I miss him telling me that his best friend (a classic narc) wanted to fix him up with a friend of his mistress and they could "double date." In fact, I really miss his friend -- a real creap whose emotional development stopped at about age five and thought he was a rock star who was yet to be discovered. There's really something to be said about learning a lot about people from what their friends are like. This professionally unsuccessful, obese, physically disgusting almost-sixty jerk would actually get up on a stage with his "band," act like Mick Jagger and try to get the twenty-somethings to do shots with him on the stage -- in front of his wife! Embarrassing doesn't even begin to describe it.

Also miss that he wouldn't take Viagra when he really, really needed it but still told me he could please any woman in bed. Totally delusional.

I was reminded last night what I miss most, as i stayed at the hospital all day and night for my Mother's cancer surgery.

I miss that on every tragic occasion when I was away for family such as the time my young cousin, his wife and two small children were killed, my exN had already lined up the night to be with one of his OP's in my absence. I still get a sinking feeling when I hear a busy signal on a phone because that was how I always knew. So last night, as I sat there able to be 100% for my Mother, I missed so bad that I was not completely wrecked by the fact that I knew he was fu*cking his brains out in my most desperate hours with the phone off the hook.

BTW. I had to remind myself of this last night because I couldn't figure out why he had been on my mind during all of this. I finally decided that it must have been that at times like this you depend on those that 'love' you for support. And then I remembered exactly what would have happened had he still been in my life. And how it was definitely in the top ten of the worst things anyone could ever do to someone they were suppose to love.

I miss you getting drunk and acting like a total lunatic on practically a daily basis. I miss you asking me to weigh myself in front of you. I miss you telling me how many problems I have. I miss listening to you blabber on for hours on end after you've taken your Xanax. I miss having to judge everything by how I think you're going to react to it. I miss you throwing and breaking stuff when you have one of your temper-tantrums. I miss you doing stupid shit like firing guns in the house. I miss you driving really fast and reckless with me in the car when you know it scares me. I miss listening to your lectures about how good of a person you are. I miss you telling me "it's a two-way street." I miss you locking me out of the bedroom so you can go through my purse. I miss you getting pissed off and hanging up if my phone vibrates or makes a noise when we're on the phone. I miss you forcing me to open all of my financial statements so you can see for yourself where, when, and what I've been doing. I miss you calling me a liar. I miss you keeping me from seeing my friends because you don't like them. I miss you talking shit about my parents and putting them down. I miss you keeping me from going to happy hour with my co-workers. I miss you going on your gambling trips once a month. I miss you criticizing me if I don't do something the way you think it should be done. I miss how you completely dominate and twist our conversations around so it's somehow MY fault. I miss you completely making my birthday THE worst ever. I miss you going psycho on me all of a sudden without warning. I miss tippy-toeing around you all the time. I miss you questioning everything I do, while you do whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want. I miss you bragging about your lifetime VIP membership to our local strip club. I miss you whipping out and showing off your wad of $100 bills wherever we go. I miss you not being responsible and sleeping all day when you should be working. I miss you going to restaurants with your buddies that have scantily-clad female wait staff. I miss you never apologizing when you treat me like shit. I miss you calling me a "selfish adult brat." I miss you criticizing my driving. I miss your mood swings and depression. I miss you throwing my iPod my food and getting pissed because I wouldn't eat dinner. I miss you always having to one-up everyone. I miss your complete inability to make plans. I miss how everything is somehow my fault. I miss you snapping at me on the phone for no apparent reason and hurting my feelings. I miss the psychotic members of your family. I miss your loser friends. I miss you going behind my back, calling my father, and telling him things I told you in confidence. I miss my friends and family complaining that they never see me anymore. I miss not being able to play games on my phone with my friends because it's "communication." I miss you humiliating me by forcing me to eat that f-ing M&M. I miss you turning off your phones so I can't get a hold of you when you get mad. I miss you not paying your bills on time. I miss everybody having to step in and take care of YOUR business when YOU are the one that should have done it in the first place. I miss coming home, turning on the tv and being presented with a porn channel. I miss you drinking and driving. I miss your total lack of morals. I miss you telling me you asked me a "DI-rect question that deserves a DI-rect answer." I miss listening to you throw around racial slurs. I miss you not speaking in a grammatically correct manner.

I think that about covers it. Good riddance, babe.

I miss that i no longer have someone to correct their spelling, word usage and grammatical errors, their lack of accountability for anything they do and their temper tantrums. Maybe i should just become a grade school teacher... I would have my daily fix....

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

. . . The kisses and smiles and the eyes looking me up and down. (I found out later he was seeing others at the same time he was doing this).

. . . the late night meetings in my house, with the windows open, candles on and soft music, having cocktails and him saying, "I love it here." (I found out later it was the escape from real life that he loved, including a girlfriend who had grown stale, and soon realized I would never be allowed in his own home).

. . . watching him walk, watching his body move, thinking, He's mine (Obviously, he wasn't).

. . . going to political events and parties and being able to say, "Do you know Judge blank? He's my boyfriend." (Didn't really register the time that those I was speaking to would look at me with a mixture of shock and pity)

. . . going places with him and walking in next to him, with him holding my hand and leading the way I felt so proud and special (Didn't really register at the time that those observing us would look at me with a mixture of shock and pity)

. . . watering the flowers together, having coffee in the morning in the yard together, having drinks in the yard at night together: this only lasted for a few months before he put locked gates on his yard and stopped answering my texts of "Coffee?" or "Check the flowers?" or "Cocktails?"

. . . The kisses and smiles and the eyes looking me up and down. (I found out later he was seeing others at the same time he was doing this).

. . . the late night meetings in my house, with the windows open, candles on and soft music, having cocktails and him saying, "I love it here." (I found out later it was the escape from real life that he loved, including a girlfriend who had grown stale, and soon realized I would never be allowed in his own home).

. . . watching him walk, watching his body move, thinking, He's mine (Obviously, he wasn't).

. . . going to political events and parties and being able to say, "Do you know Judge blank? He's my boyfriend." (Didn't really register the time that those I was speaking to would look at me with a mixture of shock and pity)

. . . going places with him and walking in next to him, with him holding my hand and leading the way I felt so proud and special (Didn't really register at the time that those observing us would look at me with a mixture of shock and pity)

. . . watering the flowers together, having coffee in the morning in the yard together, having drinks in the yard at night together: this only lasted for a few months before he put locked gates on his yard and stopped answering my texts of "Coffee?" or "Check the flowers?" or "Cocktails?"

At the time, I missed my ex-P in a mentor, paternal role. At the time, I thought I enjoyed his companionship. He was handsome, he was philosophical, he'd talk about his feelings...

But now I'm disgusted. He took advantage of my empathy, my goodwill, my constant encouragement... and he NEVER apologized for how he acted. He wanted me to look bad so he'd look good... and this a TEACHER we're talking about.

I'd never forgive him even if he came to me begging for forgiveness. And if he said he found Jesus, I'd slam the door in his face.

She was bloody good in bed. That i will say. And yes sometimes blokes just think like that.
BUT there was more to it than that, I really felt wanted, loved, i mean really loved, in and out of bed, more than anything else in the world than i have felt before. I mean i lost myself in her. God no wonder i felt like i was going mad in the end.

In the beginning she was just so lovely and i was lovely back. But after a while she just grew distant it felt like she didn't want me anymore the silences, the lack of intimacy. Her self loathing. The list could go on and in the end i got the DD and now its all history.

But i do believe i can love again because it's the feelings i can share with someone that is open to respond back. That's just it i was give, give, give, till i nearly lost my soul. And got shit back in return. So no, i don't miss that!

She's was a 'siren' from the book 'Ulysses' and where did it lead me? the bloody rocks!

Wow Rhiannon, that is so powerful. It's like we mistake HIM for what we really miss, when it is the feelings WE had. Our feelings are real, and we get fooled into thinking those feelings came from the narc.

And then you get that "trauma bonding" thing going on to make it all that much worse :(

It helps you to take your power back to realize HE doesn't own your love feelings, or your self esteem.

It was a complete fantasy, nothing about him was real, I know that, but I was like an intense fantasy just to be around him...and years later just to exchange emails with him. It really had nothing to do with him, I really didn't like much about his personality. He was so handsome, made me feel desirable in a way few men have. I recently watched "9 1/2 Weeks" and my N was very much like Micky Roarkes character. I was only 16 the first time my N introduced bondage, he was very into pushing my boundaries...25 years later I still occasionally have fantasies about him. It's ironic and frustrating that even though I hate him and he repulses me, I still fantasize about him. Another irony is that even though he was my first lover and we were together many times until shortly before I got married to my husband, I NEVER had an "O" with the N, NEVER. I would be sore from his marathon sex sessions and have to fake multiple O's to stroke his ego. I always wanted to tell him that, among other things that would just destroy his ego, but I never did. He was the worst lover I ever had, though he portrayed himself as the best. What's strange to me is I never fantasize about the actual sex with him, thats not what get's to me, but it's the romance and everything leading up to it...I don't know exactly why that is, but that's what I miss and how that part of his "attention" made me feel.

I admit, I loved the attention...but more over, I loved focusing on him. It allowed me to not have to focus on "me" for a period of time. For me, I was so caught up in him, wanting to please him, waiting on his calls, his text messages that it distracted me from the other things in my life I did not want to face. It was a great distraction from really feeling the true loneliness inside of me. Now that he is no longer in my life, I have to face all the things that I was able to avoid while I was focused on him.