Briseis's story

Thanks so much for allowing me to join :)
(I am also known here as Allie)

I was in a seven year relationship with a man who I thought was a devoted Christian and family man. I met him at work at UCSD hospital, and he was a well respected and popular staff member on the unit. Everyone liked him. The women LOVED him lol. As I got to know him, he told of a wife and a son he'd lost when she moved back to Japan (he was in the Navy). She hated America and refused to go anywhere without him. She was so miserable he sent her home to visit her mother, and she never came back. And he loved her and missed her, and talked fondly of her and his son.

He just wanted to be a father and a husband. I was a single mother with two adolescent children who were good kids but getting to that "age", if you know what I mean. I worked full time, and they were getting into things when I wasn't there. Their own father was long gone and never cared anyway. They needed a Dad, and I was tired of being alone. He wanted to be a Dad. He seemed interested in the kids, and talked all kinds of stuff about what he would do for them and me.

I fell for him like a ton of bricks. We had a whirlwind three month dating relationship before he moved in. He was still married to his first wife (because she refused to divorce him) and so we had our "own" special ceremony, and called ourselves husband and wife, and to this day, I call him my husband . . . or rather, ex husband.

Within a week of our "marriage", the cat came out of the bag. The devoted Christian man smoked a lot of marijuana and cursed foully. He was horrified at the way the children behaved (they did not fall on their knees and worship him). He told me I had ruined my children. I was a terrible housekeeper and my clothing was "immodest". I had "idols" all over the house that needed getting rid of NOW (african dolls, books about astrology). He told me he regretted EVER "marrying" me, I destroyed his relationship with God. He told me he had a history of drugs and had just gotten his life back together and I was ruining it, making him NEED to smoke marijuana and curse and do things he knew was wrong.

I was in shock for months, trying so HARD to fix the problem. I took total responsibility for ruining my kids, and being such a huge disappointment to him. I cooked and cleaned and wore longer dresses. I bought Dr Laura's The Care and Feeding of Husbands. I read "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" and excused most of his terrible raging and painful silences as "male communication".

After that first terrible year passed, I sort of came back to my old self. This devoted Christian man who wanted nothing but to be a husband and a Dad was nothing of the sort. He was a vulnerable boy. He was a brat. He had his good points, but it was a lot like living with a slightly evil younger brother. I loved him deeply, and thanks to trauma bonding, was deeply devoted to him and hung on his every mood.

I started drinking alcohol rather heavily by the fourth year of the relationship. Just at night, so I could sleep. The times I drank crept earlier and earlier, so that I ran home as fast as I could and started drinking. I could bear to be around him when I drank. I sat back, drunk, and watched him chase my children away. My son ran away and never came back home. So did my daughter. He had me to himself, finally.

After years of pressure, I agreed to sell my house we lived in and move to north Idaho, where he could live the life he always wanted. Hunting, fishing and homesteading. I liked the idea of farm animals and gardening too. Off we went. I left my children, 19 and 17 years old, behind me.

Within a few months, my exH was using methamphetamine. I was stuck on a remote property with him, no job, and deathly afraid of the strange north Idahoans LOL . He fit right in. He bought many guns and stocked up on ammunition. He bought books by Boston Tea Party and hosted loud terrifying parties that he "financed" with drugs and alcohol. He threatened to kill me when I tried to stop him driving off stoned or drunk. He'd disappear for two weeks on meth binges, and return home and sleep for a few days and threaten to kill me when I confronted him. He told me the sheriff's were his friends and they'd never believe me if I called them. I believed THAT, and as you can imagine, I was a complete wreck at this point. I had a herd of goats, I had a whole homestead with big garden, chickens, turkeys, geese, guineafowl, dairy goats needing milking twice a day, and goat kids cavorting.

I couldnt just LEAVE them. I couldn't ask for help because no one would believe me.

One day, a week or so after he disappeared, a sheriff drove up the long drive way. He told me my H was in the ER after being tased by the police, and that H wanted me to call him. Instead, I begged the sheriff to help me.

It turns out there were NOT his "buddies". THey had been watching him for over a year. They told me stuff they knew he'd done but couldn't bust him. We made a deal: if I would let them toss my house without getting a warrant, I would get a restraining order. So they confiscated marijuana and about sixteen guns. I kept my own pistol. Off he went to jail.

I've never talked to him directly since. That was June 2007. I found a forum board about abusive relationships a few weeks after I got rid of him, and for the first time realized what actually HAPPENED to me. THe description of Narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial (psychopathic) personality fit him so perfectly I couldn't believe I never saw it.

It's been both a terrible three years and in the last year, a time of great healing. We can and DO survive these monsters. Being a member of a community to support me, of people who knew what I'd gone through was what made it happen.

There are "bad" people all over. What I learned (am learning) is how to keep them at a distance and focus on my life. I think I might actually be happy most of the time now :) I am not interested in another relationship, but I do believe there are good men out there. And good people. I was so trusting and naive, but not anymore.

Thanks for reading my story :) I hope to get to know folks here and join in soon :)