NancyM's story

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#1 Jun 27 - 7PM
NancyM
NancyM's picture

NancyM's story

Hi all, I have been posting on the board quite a bit but I have not yet told my story for varying reasons, but one of the main ones is that I am the child of an N. I suppose because of this I have pretty much been on "lockdown" from telling my story pretty much all of my life. I saw this U tube video the other day of Patrick Stewart (Captain Picard...Star trek) speaking out against DV for Amnesty International and he talks about how hard it is to speak of for kids that witness domestic violence. I cried all the way through it because everything he said was so true, right down to always knowing the temperature of the room to knowing down to the finite second when you had to interfere. I would like you to watch it but I suspect some of you already know what I am talking about. Anyway my story will probably come in dribs and drabs so please bear with me, I am working on it. Thanks for your time. xox

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPzVUGE3dds

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xi_27bpIb30

Oct 7 - 5AM
NancyM
NancyM's picture

Part 1

I grew up in a violent household, and with my newfound knowledge, I now understand my father was pretty much the biggest meanest Narc I have met ever. My mother though, had an inordinate amount of strength and she fought him every inch of the way. I do remember the years back in the height of the DV where she went through much depression and pain, but because of her 4 children she kept going. As a young child, the 3rd of 4, I developed some pretty unique skills of being able to deflect Dad’s attention when he was heading for nasty mode. It would often fail, but sometimes, it did gain some reprieve till “next”time. While Dad was physically violent with Mum, something from his childhood stopped him laying a hand on us kids, and I thank the lord for at least that. But as a father he was emotionally absent, and jealous of the attention Mum gave to us. He also was pretty good at the mind games, but as a child it was actually easier to see the tactics he used than it was for me in an emotionally enmeshed relationship. Dad was not given to be a nice guy some of the time. He ruled by fear and fear alone. I often watched in fascination at how he could gain the trust and respect of another person, and as soon as he knew he had them, he would crush them. I always remember seeing the smugness on his face, it was his power. Being a bit of a smart ass kid, I sometimes took him on. He often would do the big stare everyone down. He would sit and glare at Mum for hours, and she would pretend she had not noticed. Then when he got no satisfaction there, he would turn on the kids. One day it was my turn, and I decided I was NOT going to back down. It went on for about 10 minutes, and I refused to break eye contact even though he bore holes into my soul. HE broke first...he looked away, shook his head and asked me “How did you do that? Nobody has ever done that before” I grinned and told him “because I knew I could” I think this was a huge lesson that has been both good and bad..stand your ground and show NO fear. Something else also happened, he was never sure how to handle me, because I had learned that I could stand up to him. When I was 14 the violence against Mum stopped because I threatened to kill him if it did not. He believed me, as well he should. I thought I was going to get killed, but for some reason it stripped that power from him. Again..show no fear. I grew up within the blue collar mining industry. It was common for the miners to go home from a Friday night at the pub and thump the missus. Everyone knew it happened, nobody spoke about it. I was determined that this was not going to be MY life. Famous last words. At 18 I had left home and got no support from anyone ever since. All of us left at 18, it was the only way to start a new life. Working in the mining industry, I was 20 when I went into my first relationship. He was a lot older, 14 years, and in retrospect I think I was looking to fix my relationship with my father. This guy was pretty much a complete sociopath, so to cut this part of the story short, at 23 I was alone , broke with a babe in arms. But, I was the one that ended it, even though I was pretty well smashed to pieces. He pretty much did everything he could to get out of any sort of child support and in the end I let him go. He has had no contact with his daughter since he scored a high paying expat job overseas. That was 13 years ago. I found some part time work, enrolled in college, and tried to get my head back again. One thing I never did was really figure out what the hell really happened. I think I cried myself to sleep every night for a year repeating the mantra...it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault. He used our child to try to control me, and when that did not work, he withdrew support of any kind. It did not matter to me much because his support had been the bare minimum to start with that I was reaching the point of starvation when I left. So on I went, met another guy a couple of years later. He was my age group, professional career, well educated, good family background. This was supposed to be a much more considered choice. Lol I think Scoop mentioned once that her N never shut the hell up. I laughed because that was this guy. He talked non stop about absolute crap. Most of it was about sex, ex conquests, his mates sex life (which in retrospect I think was really his) and on and on. You that are in the know have probably guessed by now..yup the quintessential somatic. He was always AT me about how I should be doing things, aaarrrggghh just thinking about it makes my brain want to explode. He even followed me around the house while I was cleaning, talking at me. But rather than rage, this guy it was all ambient, and I could never get my finger quite on it. He worked away for most of our relationship so it was a very difficult way to get to know someone. But he had a neat little trick, any argument we had resulted in sex, often forced. It was his version of kiss and make up. We lived together for 1 year towards the end, and that sealed it, I was out of there. It was only recently that I realized just how deadly this guy really was. He always had that weird little smile on his face, you know the ones that serial killers have when caught, as if to say "I know something you don't know" So here I am at 31, have a good paying job, a company house, a 9 year old daughter, and to the outside world I had my shit together. I told nobody of what occurred in the relationship, and everyone thought it was strange of me to walk away from such a great guy. So my head was a mess, but I kind of just shut down my emotions. It took about 18 months for me to hit the wall after this. I was working in heavy industry, in a male dominated work environment, and pretty much had a “do not approach” sign tattooed to my forehead. The boys kept their distance. The company I worked for did a massive de-unionising drive, and if you want to see narcissistic tactics in the workplace, these guys were TRAINED to deliver them. So I joined the fight, became a safety representative, and fought them in the trenches and in the board room. There was one other lady out of the whole work force that stood up as well, and we became pretty good mates, nicknamed Thelma and Louise. Lol, the bosses did not know which bitch was which witch, I think they were more worried about us than most of the males. Some of the guys asked me how the hell I stood up to all of them. I would laugh and say “you haven’t met my Dad, if anyone can go a round or two with him and survive, they can do it with anyone” I was fine as long as no one tried to get too close. And then it happened, one day at the beginning of a shift, I lost the key to the equipment I was operating. I think the thought triggered something deep in my subconscious and I started to cry and could not stop. I went home on sick leave and went and saw my sister. She said she had been waiting for something like this to happen, because it had all been too odd to her. I finally told the story of what had happened. I did spend some time after doing some (a lot) of soul searching and healing but again unfortunately, I still did not know about Narcs so I had much more to learn. Round 3 to come....

Nevergoback

Oct 7 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

My father was a Narc, too.

My father was a Narc, too. And like yours, he didn't have much of a good or loving side to f*ck with my head, so pretty much from the beginning I feared and loathed him. I think this is why I have been able to suddenly wake up and run screaming, rather than exist in this miserable lonely place, trying to "get" whatever Narc I'm with to finally love me. I hated my father, and if it's weird to be "grateful" for that simplicity, well then I'm weird. I also had one of those martyred, strong solid mothers who somehow kept us clothed and fed and in school against incredible odds. I grew up with a massive chip on my shoulder, and an unbelievable tolerance for bullshit. Which led, of course, to many love relationships with Narc types, not to mention working for them or befriending them. I have been so curious about your life and thrilled to read about it. Looking forward to part III :)
Oct 7 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
NancyM
NancyM's picture

Briseis

There are definitely a lot of parallels in our stories, though I think you got the worst of it. Though reading your story I can certainly understand what the hell was going on. Anyway you sure as hell kick ass now and I always love reading your posts. :)

Nevergoback

Oct 7 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Thank you, Nancy. "Getting

Thank you, Nancy. "Getting the worst of it" is nothing to be proud of, that's for sure. It's more a testament to how far down the rabbit hole I was from the get go. I also look for your posts :) You really rock, sista :)
Jun 28 - 5PM
drivencrazyinflorida
drivencrazyinflorida's picture

Hang in there NancyM

We love you. It's hard I know to relive the abuse as an adult or child. When you are ready, we are here.
Oct 8 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

NancyM-

Keep writing when you feel like it! You will finish! Good for you!