I am ashamed of myself

19 posts / 0 new

#1 Jun 25 - 9AM

trying2overcome

I am ashamed of myself

Working with him is making this impossible. He has been contacting me since last Friday pretty regular at work and I am as guilty because I find myself responding .. and like a broken record, rehashing the same things that we have gone over countless times. Things he will NEVER acknowledge. Am I hoping for a break-thru? An AH-HA moment?? Yesterday I even initiated contact a couple of times because I felt so desparate and lonley for him. I miss his touch and the way it feels when he holds me .. they are usually the only moments when things feel right. anyways .. we even talked about meeting after work but that was a fight because whe couldn't agree when/where. ha I thought about him all night and couldn't sleep .. Sooooo .. I saw him this morning and we were together .. (sorry for TMI) As usual it was intense, and I was filled with love and pointless hope for a moment. I cried and he held me and asked "Why did we ever let this go?" So, here I sit ... having undone everything I have been fighting to get back. Feeling sick .. mostly in my heart because I realize or feel that maybe I will never be free. He is like an addiction that I can not shake. Sometimes I think I am just addicted to the sex and his touch. I am 42 and had never had intimacy like we have. I fear I will never find it again. I feel totally crazy and out of control. also .. a sidenote .. I am reading "Matters of the Heart" By Danielle Steel .. and the guy in this book is my N to the T. Wierd ..
all arrows point to him lately. :-(

#2 Jun 27 - 11AM

Amy

Not your fault

He manipulated you, and will continue to do so. You can't control his behavior. I have gone through this on and off with my N for nearly 6 years! Once you finally feel free of him, he will show up again, using some of the same lines he has already ("Why did we ever let this go?"). Be strong! Your sanity is worth more than his fake feelings!

#3 Jun 27 - 8AM

helldweller

Ashamed

Yes, I'm 42 as well and it's a bizarre place to be in when he comes crawling back, or so it seems. Mine did the same thing after I made a police report after our physical fight. Despite being disciplined at work (he's a judge) he started calling me again and wanting to see me. He never apologized or said anything. Just wanted to get back on the treadmill. We had another altercation just the other day on his steps. I told him I absolutely would not see him again and to leave me be (he lives almost next door), and I told him I know he had been sleeping with his babysitter the whole time we were together. He said, "So what? Who cares?" and I slapped him, as anyone would. In response, he grabbed me by the hair and threw me on the sidewalk. I got up to leave and he did it again. The next day he texted me, "I love you, baby. Can I see you tonight?" There is absolutely nothing real in anything they say. I totally understand how you feel, but don't do it.

#4 Jun 26 - 3AM

ACgirl

When you are going through hell, keep going...

My Narc always did the same thing. He would say to me..."this time I want to make it right", "this time I am serious about seeing you", "I don't want to loose you", "Let's make it work, there is a reason we keep coming back", "are you going to change your name to mine", etc etc. He said these things everytime he came. And EACH and EVERY time, he had OW on the side. He spoke the words, not the actions. Please don't by into it. Mine did the same thing. I don't understand it, but it doesn't matter because they are NUTS. You did everything right. It is not your fault. As Barbara would say.."If their lips are moving, they are lying". That is the truth. It's a game. We are just supply. I know it's tempting. Our hearts want to believe it so bad. Even now, it's been almost two months since I've had my last D&D with him. Secretly I hope he is going to call. But when or if he does, I am not going to respond. Because I know all too well, that it means nothing to him. We want to believe it means something, but it doesn't. Hold on and you will find true and honest love. Stay strong. That is the ONLY way out. As Winston Churchhill would say..."When you are going through hell, keep going".

#5 Jun 25 - 7PM

Susan32

Don't knock yourself

You've been through a traumatic time. You need time to relax, rejuvenate, and readjust. It's a devastating experience. Rest and take care of yourself.

#6 Jun 25 - 1PM

trying2overcome

thanks

Thank you for your comments and support .. I am a total whacked out mess today. We talked after he left and he told me how he loved me and wanted to be together and make it right and he could win my trust back if I would let him but that I keep rejecting him when it comes to actaully getting back together. Of course I want to beleive every single word and wish I thought it would work .. but first of all I would NEVER trust him again .. I will always think he is lying and creeping around and I know .. in the end, whatever I do will not be enough. We had 2 years to get it right and didn't. I am mad that I pushed myself back today and let him win .. I feel I just gave him a double dose of supply and he has already shown signs of backpeddle since that conversation. he said he is tired of playing games and the ball is in my court and he wants to move on .. either way. Of course, he has said goodbye to me many times but cycles back around every 3 or 4 weeks for more. Maybe when he gets bored of the others. Danielle Steel wrote int eh front of her book .. something very interesting that hits home for all of us .. Some of the Greatest crimes against humanity have been committed in the name of love. A sociopath is a person who will destroy you, without a heart, without conscience, without even a second glance. At first they are too perfect and too good to be true. Then, they remove your heart, and whatever else they want, with a scalpel. The operation they perform is brilliant, often but not always flawless. And when they have gotten whatever they came for in teh first place, they leave you traumatized, stunned and bleeding by the roadside, and silently move on, to do it again to someone else.

#7 Jun 25 - 2PM (Reply to #14)

gingercat

excellent quote

I think you are incredibly lucky to be realizing what is happening to you. If only I would have had this site and awareness when I was your age and caught in the exact same 'passion' situation. I so enjoyed your Danielle Steele quote as I have spent the past 10+ years reading tons of self-help/relationship and finally textbook psychology to try and figure this guy out. It took a romance quote to remind me of how 'real' their pathology is! Please take advice from an older sister and save yourself while you can. Working with an N that you are romantically involved is exactly what happened to me in the beginning. I don't honestly think I would have even known him had it not been for work as I had much better boundaries in my social life. Get away and look for happiness and passion with someone who has the same light shining back from their inner soul. These guys only reflect back and there's emptiness beneath. Don't confuse 'pseudo-strength' for empathy. Hugs....

#8 Jun 25 - 1PM

Lisa E. Scott

trying2overcome

Don't be ashamed of yourself. That's wasted energy. You need to be kind to yourself right now. Don't look back, just look forward now and re-establish No Contact. It is like an addiction and as such, you cannot have contact with him otherwise you're playing with fire. Hang in there. You can get back on track. Relapse is a part of recovery, but move on and don't linger.

#9 Jun 25 - 6PM (Reply to #11)

Monica

Lisa, you are a true gift....

Thank you for your compassion and encouragement! You are SO right. Re-establish no contact and move on.

#10 Jun 26 - 11AM (Reply to #12)

Lisa E. Scott

Monica

Awwe, you're welcome! YOU are a true gift and you must always remember that when he comes around looking for attention from you. He doesn't deserve it. You are way too good for him and deserve so much more! xoxo

#11 Jun 25 - 12PM

Allie

You are so right....

It feels just like an addiction! My N was like a drug to me from the first time I met him, I know exactly how you are feeling right now :) The only thing that worked for me was everytime you remember how he made you feel when he was at his "best", the romance, lovemaking, and all that intensity...let it turn and remember all the horrible things he has done to you, things he has said to you, how he has made you feel when he is/was at his WORST. He will be that way again, he will hurt you again...and even though it doesn't feel like it now, there are men who can make you feel all those intense feelings AND are capable of real love :) Though sometimes I have my doubts, humans STILL outnumber Narcs, thank God! Take it one day at a time, listen to WHAT HE SAYS (fight through that passion fog-oh I remember that!), be critical of his words (even if only to yourself) I am also 42, we are in our sexual prime ;) I have felt that crazy, out of control feeling you described, Narc's will do that to us, but they don't feel that same way about us, they can't, we are just sources of supply--objects..and they definitely can't feel the REAL stuff...most importantly love :)

http://bink-think.livejournal.com

#12 Jun 25 - 12PM

Scoop

I went back 6 times to mine

I went back 6 times to mine after d&d . I compleatly understand that feeling you talk about when you are in his arms it is the only time things feel alright . There is an uneasy feeling going to someone for comfort who has caused the pain in the first place . I oftern wondered what it was that kept me guled to him , literary guled i had to touch him , there was an energy between us but where i made my mistake it to romance about this energy , i looked at it as something spirtual instead of what it was .... it was in fact brain washing , trance , hypnosis .You have to read woman who love psycopaths as it explanes the whole process .There was with me a gut feeling that things didnt seem right with him , it scared me that his touch could make me feel safe , as i knew he could d&d me at any time , the thought of loosing his touch sent me in to a paniced state . " i cant live with out him " kind of freak out .What you feel for him is burning love right , but what he feels for you is not the same for him its about power and CONTROL... Scoop xx

#13 Jun 25 - 12PM

rainbow1

I understand how you feel. I

I understand how you feel. I was a little tipsy coming home from a friends birthday party Tuesday night and went over to the N's house after. I didnt sleep with him even though he pulled out all of the stops. I was proud about that but ashamed that I was there in the first place. I actually havent even told anyone like my mother or best friend and I tell them EVERYTHING! I know what they will say and think. And now that I have not slept with him and turned him down for the last week he is not really talking to me (yesterday was my first full day NC). He will respond to me but not initiate contact (and neither will I now!). But I felt ashamed as well. Dont be too hard on yourself but start back over now! I know exaclty how you feel like I am sure many others on this board do. PS does anyone know why they dont iniate contact but why they almost always respond? I have read a few people say that on this board. Does anyone know why?

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#14 Jun 25 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

GIJ

I remember a few things on this

It has to do with them not being able to admit their neediness so they don't initiate. They are longing for supply but can't stand the fact that they need it outside of themselves. So when contacted, it gives them a reason to engage. Or, they find ways to send "signals" encouraging contact. Example - posting something on FB. Seeking pity, etc, is often a ploy that unsuspecting people jump on. They do not know how to be direct. I wish I had the link to the thread on this. Maybe you could search the site to drill down on it further.

#15 Jun 25 - 10AM

smileyfacepr

Im 44

got together w/him when I was 37..I have never felt so much love and intensity for anyone while lovemaking in my life..omg..I think sometimes thats what makes it so hard to let go of and kills me to think he is sharing that w/someone else ( I do not know for sure becasue I have been NC for 1 yr) but the thought of it alone drives me crazy, I also dont know if ill ever feel that again but for now I just want to heal I dont even think about another realationship..furthest thing from my mind..but it is scary. I really let him screw me up shuda followed my gut 7 yrs ago!! Stay NC..it seems like it will kill u but it will not, it will make u stronger! NC IS THE ONLY WAY!!!!

smileyfacepr

#16 Jun 25 - 10AM

Steph

It is a total addiction. The

It is a total addiction. The highs and lows of being with a pathological. That's why the ONLY way to get out of it is through no contact. It really sucks that you work with him? I know it wouldn't be fair for you to have to find a different job, but could you? I mean this is your life and your sanity and clearly interacting with this guy is not serving your best interest. You said that you have never felt intimacy like this before. What you have with him is not intimacy. That would require him to be open, honest, and capable of FEELING. I read your story and this guy is not capable of these things. He is setting you up only to shit on you again. I know you know this. You are having a weak moment. You can't change what's been done but you can stop anything further from happening. Re read your list you have or make a therapy appointment or come here and write, or whatever you need to do to not see him. You are strong enough to do this!!! keep us updated. xoxo

#17 Jun 25 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

trying2overcome

stayingstrong78

With the economy etc .. I don't think there is much out there but if/when I can find something else I will be gone so quick If I didn't work with him I think it would be so much easier. I totally messed myself up today .. and of course by the end of the day I could tell our exchanges were becoming a game for him (which is usually what he accuses me of) I had mentioned meeting him after work to talk ... he loves me so much blah blah blah .. and then when it came right down to it .. he says "lets see how willing you are to meet me next week when you don't have your kids .. I am sure you will be booked" because he had plans tonight. ha Reality check .. anyways, I told him to forget it and that I was a fool to even think it for a moment .. nothing changes. I am sick over it though and I hope I can gather some strength back this weekend. I feel drained. xxoo

#18 Jun 25 - 5PM (Reply to #4)

Steph

A few interactions with him

A few interactions with him and you are drained. Just proves how toxic they are! I feel for you. Having to work with him. I can't imagine and I know if that was me, it would be really difficult to not get sucked in at some point. I really hope you are able to find another job. I will pray for that for you! I hope you have a replenishing weekend and if you're in need of a boost...you know where to come. We're here for ya! xoxo

#19 Jun 25 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

Janet

Ditto staying strong78.

Ditto staying strong78. Addictions are HARD to break, but it is possible. I just turned 49 and it is not all over at a certain age. Liking who we are, staying physically fit, living a full life are pretty sexy at any age. Crying in his arms does not sound like that much fun. I had the same feeling, he was 12 years younger than me, I met him when I was 44 and the sex was hot. He has really strong arms and I felt so protected and good when they were around me. But that protection is a lie and is a set up for continual betrayal. You can do it, NC. Peace. J

Peace. J

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