nonnie's Story

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#1 Jun 22 - 2PM
nonnie
nonnie's picture

nonnie's Story

New to this sight but I’ve been visiting for quite awhile now. I will try and condense my story or I might never get it on here. I’ve been married to a narc for over 25 years and am still with him.

I desperately want him out of my life but continue to be unsuccessful. Hoping someone out there can see where I’m blind or failing.

I was married very young, not quite 18. Looking back, I have no idea why I fell for him. Other than the fact he made me laugh – was quite a comedian and he installed several cool things in my old rusty Mustang. Also, when we became sexually active, he encouraged me to do things that were a turn-on to me then but had I grown up believing they were “dirty”.

I don’t know that I really loved him then or loved him ever. It was just one of those things, my older sisters got married young and there was no encouragement from my parents of pursuing a college education or career for any of us. I think I grew up with the thought that I was supposed to get married and start having kids… here this guy comes along that spent some money on me (now I owed him) and made me laugh.

He was very moody and selfish from the start. He was an only child and I think I just believed that’s the way only children were. The Jekyll and Hyde thing was a constant. He could change moods in seconds – over nothing! Still does.

He joined the military soon after we were married and we moved away right after boot camp. This was very hard for me as I was so close to my parents…

He was never affectionate. Constantly told me that just wasn’t him. He couldn’t do that. He also couldn’t touch me while we slept, couldn’t sleep that way. Although this was difficult, I just accepted it.

For most of my marriage, he was involved in motorsports and life was exciting and challenging. I think I blamed his selfishness and mood swings on the demands and stress of the sports. Who knows? I had been married for over 20 years before I started seeing a counselor (due to my dad’s death) and in talking about my marriage, he stated that it sounded like my husband was very manipulative. The only book I could find on manipulation was “In Sheep’s Clothing” which brought up narcs – from then on I bought every book I could find and have no doubt that that is what he is. I finally realized that I wasn’t dealing with a selfish only child. I had an evil troll in my house!

I learned early on that when he sent out subtle clues on wanting sex, if I didn’t initiate it, I would be dealing with either a sulky child or a madman throwing things or putting holes in the walls. Most of the time, I think he actually has the sex mapped. He gets angry or pouty if I stray far from the script he has in his head. He never tells me what that script is, only if I stray. One time he got up in the middle of it and started screaming, threw on his clothes and got his handgun out and held it to his head! Threatened to kill himself! How I wish to God that it would’ve ended there.

He’s never been physically abusive but I really feel like I’m on my way over the edge due to the emotional abuse, the lies, and the constant instability. Never knowing who I’ll be facing each night. What kind of things he’ll say that cause me to be paranoid, out and out psycho sh*t that I have no idea why he’s saying it!

I know this is sounding very clinical but I honestly can’t bring myself to think of all that I’ve put up with over the years and the fact that I’m still with this monster makes me question my own sanity and makes me feel extremely weak and pathetic.

I’ve tried unsuccessfully several times over the last 5-6 years to get him out. He always turns into this pathetic child and tells me he had no idea he was treating me so bad or just plain “can’t remember” anything. Seriously, how can you not remember holding a gun to your head because your wife strayed from your perverted sexual script?

Each time I go through this and each time he’s wormed his way back, his hooks have gotten so much deeper. I honestly don’t love this man but there are times that I can’t remember why I want him gone! To explain that a little more, I started seeing another therapist several months ago because I knew if I tried to get rid of him again and could not stand behind it, I’d never get rid of him. Well, the day before my second session, my son decided he had had enough of him and got into it with him. Told him to get the f*ck out, he was sick and tired of the way he treated both of us and how we (my son and I) have to constantly walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off. My NH asked him how I felt about this as the house is in my name only, my son said “she wants you out too, go ask her!).

Sooo, here I was in a position that I knew that I was not emotionally ready to back! He stood at the bottom of the stairs looking like some lost child and goes on and on about how he had no idea that he was that bad. How sorry he is and is that really what I want? He can’t live without me – I’m his right arm (he’s a southpaw btw) and since he’s always lived his life for me and our son, what will he live for if I’m not in the picture?!!! I have no idea why those lines/lies get to me but they did and he’s still here.

During the last few weeks, he’s become the ideal husband (gag). He’s all mister lovey-dovey, wants to be involved in my life and know how work is going. He told me that “even though I never really cared or wanted to hear about your day before, I really mean it now” – whatever!

He also has me under a microscope. Since he’s now the most wonderful husband (gag again), he now wants to spend every minute of his free time with me at his side. We’ll sit at the kitchen table and I can see him watching me out of the corner of my eye. He’ll make some comment about the movie or quote the next line before it happens and then looks towards me to see how I react. I can’t go anywhere without him “because he wants to spend all of his free time with me”.

He wants hugs and kisses (this seriously makes my skin crawl) – he needs reassurance that I’m not just appeasing him for now and that I really do want him to be part of my life. At this time, I’m totally lying to him about everything, I don’t have it in me to follow through and just say “get the f*ck out” and stick with it. I’ve never caught him cheating on me and have no idea how to quit making his life the way he wants it.

I know what he’s in the process of doing. He’s isolating me from my mother – I get “that look” if I happen to call her during “his time”. He follows me everywhere and even sneaks up on me. He questions every thing I do and has insinuated that I’m having an affair at work. He told me recently that if there was someone else, he could understand why I wanted to leave him.

He texts me off and on during the day – just stopping in to tell me how much he misses me, how much he loves me, tries to get me to get nasty with the texts and then gets all butt-hurt when I don’t or God forbid, I don’t acknowledge his texts within a few minutes of when he sends them. He does all of this and more but he’s pulling it off like he’s really trying and I know damn well it’s all a show and nothing but lies! I don’t know how to confront him with this. He’ll play his dumb trick or some other number.

I’m just totally lost. I have a few friends that try so hard to help. I just feel so beaten and have no idea where my spine is. After reading posts here, I really feel like he’s brainwashing me. I find that he wants to discuss “things” when I’m really tired. I start zoning off while he’s talking and he tends to repeat particular things over and over again.

I don’t love him, in fact, I can barely stand him. If there ever was a honeymoon period with him, it’s long gone. I just want him out of my life!

Jun 23 - 9PM
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

Nonnie

I really wish I could help you. I see a lot of similarities with my recent ex, only thankfully (I guess) I never married him, and was "only" with him for six years. They are so manipulative. They know how to push our sympathy and empathy buttons, and they know how to make themselves look like the victims. Please, no matter how hard it is, please get out now. Just do it. Don't let him get a word in edgewise. Just leave. At the end of your life, how do you want to have lived it? If you leave now, the initial pain will be great, but it will save you SO much pain in the long run! It will be so worth it. Just ask your friends and family for help and support, and keep posting here and seeing a good therapist who specializes in CBT.
Jun 22 - 9PM
eyeswideopen
eyeswideopen's picture

permission

I feel your pain and your wish for the pain to end. You know what you need to do but cannot seem to overcome the enormous inertia that will allow you to leave. I know this feeling. Although my posts here have mainly been concerned with the N I spent the last 15 years with and left only a month ago, I was previously married to a N that I lived with for 19 years. Our last year together I slept on the couch and had reached the point where I no longer cared what he did, who he slept with, or what he said to me. Yet I stayed. One day I made a comment, not the first time I had said it about "one day when I leave" and he lashed out and said, "just when are you leaving?" It was as though he gave me permission! I told him I would speak to an attorney the following day and I did. Later, he got down on his hands and knees, tears in his eyes, and begged me to stay. He even said we could continue without expectation of a sexual relationship, just as we had been doing. I told him "no that would not be fair to either one of us. I did not know he was N then, not until I realized the one I just left was N. I only knew of endless emotional and mental abuse. I lived in constant confusion generated by his inexplicable behavior. I don't know why I stayed so long and did not leave until he granted me permission to go. I do know I did wait for that, stupid as that sounds. I hope so much that you find the strength to leave this horrible abusive man. You sound so smart and I hope you can rise from this man's grasp. You and your son deserve so much more. Please leave him and take control of your life away from him. I believe you can.
Jun 22 - 6PM
secondchance
secondchance's picture

wow!

i don't know why the house is only in his name. you should quietly see an attorney. i was married for 22 years to someone similar. they are all the same in some ways. i am 50 (almost) and have taken back my life. you can do it. even with all the uncertainty of the divorce, finances, etc. i am 10 billion times happier and you can be to! hang in there!! you weren't meant for a life like that!!
Jun 22 - 3PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

nonnie

if you haven't already, please read other's stories here and the articles as well as Sandra Brown's website. Lisa posted a story i read today, Just Keep Dancing, referring to a book written by Susan Bauer (?) who had been in an abusive marriage for 25 years. I haven't read the book and have not been in your dire situation but perhaps it can help. Sounded like a very inspirational story of hope for those like you who feel so much hopelessness. It is our kindness and our empathy (as well as the love we do have for them)that they manipulate and play on. I did love mine very much and found it difficult to leave him so many times because I was the closest thing he had to a family or a real friend. Ultimately it came done to who was going to have a life here, him or me. With him, I had no life. I was a lesser person left to wear all the consequences of his 'bad behavior' on my face. There were times i almost wished the abuse was physical rather than mental and emotional so at least the pain i was in would be more obvious. If not for yourself, it sounds as though you need to do it for your son. When my daughter came to me and said she would like to move out (to her dad's) if he came back here again, I began to make the final moves to end things. I had lost enough because of this man, i would not lose my daughter too. Much strength to you. It won't be easy but it will be best for you and your son. Please take precautions, particularly as he has a gun. Others have better advice on that serious front. Welcome, here.

almostlydia

Jun 22 - 2PM
nonnie
nonnie's picture

Some of the other things

Some of the other things he's been doing since "black Monday" as he calls it: Put several hundred dollars in my account "just for lunch or whatever". Sent two dozen long stemmed roses to my work. Cleans the house constantly. Has started eating only one meal a day and has lost 30 lbs. Won't eat dinner with me but insists on making it and actually stands there while I finish so he can whisk my plate away the moment I'm through. Insists that I choose a show that I want to watch, hell, I don't even remember what I like. My mind continues to think "what is it that I'm supposed to say or choose so things remain somewhat civil?" I have no idea anymore what I want to eat, watch or do!!