nonnie's Story
nonnie's Story
New to this sight but I’ve been visiting for quite awhile now. I will try and condense my story or I might never get it on here. I’ve been married to a narc for over 25 years and am still with him.
I desperately want him out of my life but continue to be unsuccessful. Hoping someone out there can see where I’m blind or failing.
I was married very young, not quite 18. Looking back, I have no idea why I fell for him. Other than the fact he made me laugh – was quite a comedian and he installed several cool things in my old rusty Mustang. Also, when we became sexually active, he encouraged me to do things that were a turn-on to me then but had I grown up believing they were “dirtyâ€.
I don’t know that I really loved him then or loved him ever. It was just one of those things, my older sisters got married young and there was no encouragement from my parents of pursuing a college education or career for any of us. I think I grew up with the thought that I was supposed to get married and start having kids… here this guy comes along that spent some money on me (now I owed him) and made me laugh.
He was very moody and selfish from the start. He was an only child and I think I just believed that’s the way only children were. The Jekyll and Hyde thing was a constant. He could change moods in seconds – over nothing! Still does.
He joined the military soon after we were married and we moved away right after boot camp. This was very hard for me as I was so close to my parents…
He was never affectionate. Constantly told me that just wasn’t him. He couldn’t do that. He also couldn’t touch me while we slept, couldn’t sleep that way. Although this was difficult, I just accepted it.
For most of my marriage, he was involved in motorsports and life was exciting and challenging. I think I blamed his selfishness and mood swings on the demands and stress of the sports. Who knows? I had been married for over 20 years before I started seeing a counselor (due to my dad’s death) and in talking about my marriage, he stated that it sounded like my husband was very manipulative. The only book I could find on manipulation was “In Sheep’s Clothing†which brought up narcs – from then on I bought every book I could find and have no doubt that that is what he is. I finally realized that I wasn’t dealing with a selfish only child. I had an evil troll in my house!
I learned early on that when he sent out subtle clues on wanting sex, if I didn’t initiate it, I would be dealing with either a sulky child or a madman throwing things or putting holes in the walls. Most of the time, I think he actually has the sex mapped. He gets angry or pouty if I stray far from the script he has in his head. He never tells me what that script is, only if I stray. One time he got up in the middle of it and started screaming, threw on his clothes and got his handgun out and held it to his head! Threatened to kill himself! How I wish to God that it would’ve ended there.
He’s never been physically abusive but I really feel like I’m on my way over the edge due to the emotional abuse, the lies, and the constant instability. Never knowing who I’ll be facing each night. What kind of things he’ll say that cause me to be paranoid, out and out psycho sh*t that I have no idea why he’s saying it!
I know this is sounding very clinical but I honestly can’t bring myself to think of all that I’ve put up with over the years and the fact that I’m still with this monster makes me question my own sanity and makes me feel extremely weak and pathetic.
I’ve tried unsuccessfully several times over the last 5-6 years to get him out. He always turns into this pathetic child and tells me he had no idea he was treating me so bad or just plain “can’t remember†anything. Seriously, how can you not remember holding a gun to your head because your wife strayed from your perverted sexual script?
Each time I go through this and each time he’s wormed his way back, his hooks have gotten so much deeper. I honestly don’t love this man but there are times that I can’t remember why I want him gone! To explain that a little more, I started seeing another therapist several months ago because I knew if I tried to get rid of him again and could not stand behind it, I’d never get rid of him. Well, the day before my second session, my son decided he had had enough of him and got into it with him. Told him to get the f*ck out, he was sick and tired of the way he treated both of us and how we (my son and I) have to constantly walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off. My NH asked him how I felt about this as the house is in my name only, my son said “she wants you out too, go ask her!).
Sooo, here I was in a position that I knew that I was not emotionally ready to back! He stood at the bottom of the stairs looking like some lost child and goes on and on about how he had no idea that he was that bad. How sorry he is and is that really what I want? He can’t live without me – I’m his right arm (he’s a southpaw btw) and since he’s always lived his life for me and our son, what will he live for if I’m not in the picture?!!! I have no idea why those lines/lies get to me but they did and he’s still here.
During the last few weeks, he’s become the ideal husband (gag). He’s all mister lovey-dovey, wants to be involved in my life and know how work is going. He told me that “even though I never really cared or wanted to hear about your day before, I really mean it now†– whatever!
He also has me under a microscope. Since he’s now the most wonderful husband (gag again), he now wants to spend every minute of his free time with me at his side. We’ll sit at the kitchen table and I can see him watching me out of the corner of my eye. He’ll make some comment about the movie or quote the next line before it happens and then looks towards me to see how I react. I can’t go anywhere without him “because he wants to spend all of his free time with meâ€.
He wants hugs and kisses (this seriously makes my skin crawl) – he needs reassurance that I’m not just appeasing him for now and that I really do want him to be part of my life. At this time, I’m totally lying to him about everything, I don’t have it in me to follow through and just say “get the f*ck out†and stick with it. I’ve never caught him cheating on me and have no idea how to quit making his life the way he wants it.
I know what he’s in the process of doing. He’s isolating me from my mother – I get “that look†if I happen to call her during “his timeâ€. He follows me everywhere and even sneaks up on me. He questions every thing I do and has insinuated that I’m having an affair at work. He told me recently that if there was someone else, he could understand why I wanted to leave him.
He texts me off and on during the day – just stopping in to tell me how much he misses me, how much he loves me, tries to get me to get nasty with the texts and then gets all butt-hurt when I don’t or God forbid, I don’t acknowledge his texts within a few minutes of when he sends them. He does all of this and more but he’s pulling it off like he’s really trying and I know damn well it’s all a show and nothing but lies! I don’t know how to confront him with this. He’ll play his dumb trick or some other number.
I’m just totally lost. I have a few friends that try so hard to help. I just feel so beaten and have no idea where my spine is. After reading posts here, I really feel like he’s brainwashing me. I find that he wants to discuss “things†when I’m really tired. I start zoning off while he’s talking and he tends to repeat particular things over and over again.
I don’t love him, in fact, I can barely stand him. If there ever was a honeymoon period with him, it’s long gone. I just want him out of my life!
Nonnie
permission
wow!
nonnie
almostlydia
Some of the other things