Please help!!! Mental despair...

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#1 Jun 17 - 6PM
Kemars1
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Please help!!! Mental despair...

Hi...

I haven't posted anything in a while, probably around this time last year was the last...

It's been a year since I broke off my engagement with my ex-N.

The reason I'm writing is because I feel foggy mentally. And I'm even reluctant to post this, but honestly, I feel as though there's nowhere else to turn.

During that period being in a relationship with my N, and ever since, there are times when I feel as though I cannot determine fantasy from reality... I feel like mentally I can't distinguish what actually happened from my fears, worries, or irrational thoughts... And the panic and fear combined with my fogged-up brain and memory just leaves me in this mental anguish.

The only point in time I can pinpoint when this started happening was when I felt internally as though I had to confess to this guy every thing I did wrong... I did this out of fear I would lose him, and that God would punish me or take him away from me if I didn't. So I started racking my brain of things to confess.

Barbara? Lisa? Anyone else? Please help.... I feel like I'm going crazy, I'm well aware this sounds crazy, and I'm wondering if this is related to having dealt with a Narcissist/psychopath, or maybe this is a totally unrelated issue?

ANY help, input, thoughts, comments, are very much appreciated..

-Cassia

Jun 18 - 3AM
Lisa E. Scott
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Cassia

You are suffering from Obsessive Scrupulosity. http://www.ncpamd.com/scrup.htm Knowledge is Power! You are NOT going crazy. You are in a fog because of the PTSD. Because of the pain he inflicted on you. Please know you're not alone!
Jun 17 - 10PM
smileyfacepr
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Cassia

I think most of us r in a fog most of the time, I think its normal but for the panic, anxiety and fears? R u taking meds, I know mine have helped those symptoms, my nerves r alot better since I started 2 wks ago! Keep posting

smileyfacepr

Jun 17 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
Kemars1
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smileyfacepr -

No, I'm not taking meds... What's mind-boggling is that the mental "fog" isn't even related to memories about him or even anything that has to do with my ex N.
Jun 17 - 10PM (Reply to #12)
smileyfacepr
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cassia

its probobly that fog that we r not living in the moment we r just going thru the motions of whatever we need to do to get thru the day, but our minds arnt really in the moment..its like living in ladi da world!!! Sometimes Im in a fog and Im not thinking about him at that moment!! just keep posting

smileyfacepr

Jun 17 - 6PM
Steph
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Doesn't sound crazy at all.

Doesn't sound crazy at all. Sounds like the typical confusion a person is left with after dealing with a narc. It messes with your head and makes everything so confusing. Are you in therapy? I don't think anyone can deal with the aftermath of a pathological relationship without therapy. Please keep writing here. Everyone here can relate to your anguish. You aren't alone.
Jun 17 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
Kemars1
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Hi Ladies - Thanks so much

Hi Ladies - Thanks so much for responding to me thus far : ) Yes, I was in therapy from June/July of last year to about January of this year... I stopped going... I never told my counselor about this issue - we were more focused on traits that I do want in a guy, my own goals, etc. etc.
Jun 17 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
Steph
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Would you consider

Would you consider reentering therapy? From what I understand PTSD is very common after these relationships. Maybe you need a therapist that specializes in that? I know it really helped me clear the "fog" anyways. Keep us posted:)
Jun 17 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
Kemars1
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Staying Strong78 -

Oh yes, I definitely would reconsider - however, I'm not sure at this point that I can afford it... The last one I went to was more of a family-oriented thing, she didn't charge, and she would keep my parents posted... I guess, quite honestly, I didn't feel like I could "let it all hang out" if you know what I mean? I want someone that I can truly confide in, and not hold back... I don't know.... any thoughts??
Jun 17 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
hitandrun
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Cassia

I don't know where you live, but check around. Some counselors offer very reduced rates. When I told my doc what happened she told me of a place that counselors and psychiatrist gift of their time. It took me about 6 weeks to get in, but I only pay $5 a visit. Also if their is a University in your area that has a psych department that teaches counseling, or a med school, you could contact them and see if their is any student counseling available(meaning the students that are training to be counselors.) Let us know what happens.
Jun 17 - 6PM
Introspection
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Hello sweetheart,

Have you considered therapy to help you sort through your thoughts? If this is an option, you should consider. What triggered this anxiety today? I can tell you from one victim to another, all of it was a fantasy! There is not one thing that my XN told me that was truth. Also, your confession and the fact that he is an N are completely separate issues. Ns are notorious for making us feel like it was OUR fault!!! My XN had me convinced that I was responsible for our break-up. He always denied that he cheated on me although I had emails where he is asking OW if he can see her tonight! She stated that she was mad at him because he had not called her lately! He denied cheating and said the email meant NOTHING. A few weeks later, he left me stating that my accusations had taken a toll and he needed to "reconcile." Few weeks later he posted his profile on Match.com while he was still CALLING me daily and telling me how much he loved and missed me...he just needed a little more time to "reconcile." I blamed myself for months thinking that I was responsible for our break-up. NOT SO. and neither are you. The break-up was not your fault and IT WAS ALL A FANTASY. Ns are mentally ill and do not have the ability to LOVE. You should not be trying to figure out the WHY. We will NEVER understand them!
Jun 17 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
Kemars1
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Introspection

Oh, definitely, he turned the reason why he and I ended on me... I had a... "judgmental, prideful, and condemning spirit" and my family were the same way... a.k.a. we all started calling a spade a spade - and informing him to his face that his **** actually stinks.
Jun 17 - 6PM
Janet
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Hi Cassia, sorry you are

Hi Cassia, sorry you are feeling anguish. Strange that as I could tell the relationship was slipping permanently away (we still lived together at this point) I started "confessing" things to N also. Things that had nothing to do with him. I wonder if maybe I was thinking, "look, I have done some really bad stuff too, we are alike, you are okay, I forgive you and you can forgive me and we will be okay". I don't know. Peace. J

Peace. J

Jun 17 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
hitandrun
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Janet and Cassia

When I felt things getting weird, the day before he D&D'd me I starting confessing all this stuff, too. Not anything I did to him, but more of like you Janet, AND I confessed what I would do to HIM if he ever cheated on me. That might have freaked him out a wee bit ...ha!ha! Come to think of it I was more than a bit difficult because I caught him in a HUGE lie. How can you not be reactive to the weirdness? Cassia, please get in therapy if you are not already. Like Introspection said, it was ALL A FANTASY. What a hard pill to swallow. I still don't believe it a lot of times. Keep the faith, keep posting. These disordered people do a number on every part of you. Why do they exist?