What Makes a Narcissist eventually stop using you as supply?

What Makes a Narcissist eventually stop using you as supply?
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Maybe this is a dumb question, but I was reading a lot of posts lately and this is something I don't quite understand. I know that a N will come back when he runs out of supply or is in fear or needs something. My N has D&D'd me many times, then comes back, then runs off, etc. But what makes them stop coming back to you, (outside of our NC of course)? My N and I have had many intense D&Ds and even with that he would still come back. But, I have read some posts where women have said that they haven't heard from their N in over a year. In one thread I read that they will always try to come back, but in another thread it seemed to say they were gone for good. So what would stop them from coming back to you as supply? Has anything been written about that?

helldweller's picture

when do they stop

oh, boy. when do they stop? i don't know. it makes no sense, it is no sense. if you are standing there, they will try to mess with you. i can't really even think of what it's like except like the bully on the playground or some drunk kid trolling for chicks in the parking lot of a nightclub after everyone's gone home. it's sick, meaningless and random. it's just random. never mind my children's lives he destroyed, my future, my hopes and dreams, his baby i miscarried or the woman he just screwed five minutes before he came home. if he drives up to go into his house thirty feet away and i'm sitting outside, i'm fair game. he'll stick his hand up my skirt and see what happens. completely random. there's that saying: throw shit at the wall and see what sticks. that's how they roll.

enoughalready's picture

supply usage

I always wondered as to why he always came back and still does. I was so blind the past 5 years as I think he was cheating and lying to me the entire relationship. We'd break up numerous times and get back together. Maybe he saw this as normal as he always said" i"m not doing anything wrong". And b/c he has been so delusional, it's acceptable behavior since I never knew anything and therefore he can always come back to me cause I always "allowed' him back even though I knew nothing about his lies and cheating.

AnotherPath's picture

When they have better supply

When they have better supply from someone else they don't come back. If their supply is not as new as it was, they will see if they can get an ounce of supply from you too as a backup. It's all a sick game to feed their ego.

Janet's picture

Exactly Another Path. After

Exactly Another Path. After N had depleted me, literally exhausted me and spit me out, he chose another victim. This was before I knew about N's and P's, I thought he would realize how much he missed me and come back. I could not understand his choice at all. Then I found out about Ns and Ps; his new supply has a very famous and rich relative that he is, I am sure, trying to get something from. I saw some photos of this woman, she looks like she has not had an easy 34 years - but(from her facebook page which of course I read) is into kind and gentle things - she is probably vulnerable and is now being taken for a hideous ride. I have not seen him since mid-December when he told me he was moving on and sleeping with someone else. I can imagine somewhere down the road, when he has killed her spirit or is simply bored, he might try to say hello for a quick shot of supply - no thanks.

Peace. J

AnotherPath's picture

Janet

You've got to feel really sorry for any woman who is going to come into contact with them. We know what they've got coming. I'm so glad to be on this side of the fence having left him 2 years ago, hard journey but one in the right direction. The only direction with them is the path to self destruction and utter misery. Huraay ladies we're out, lets be thankful lets be SO proud of ourselves, however difficult this is right now, it's the right direction, getting back to us, living without fear, who knows what amazing creative, interesting life stuff is going to happen now we're FREE

destiny's picture

Mine will not be back- he

Mine will not be back- he is very fearful I will expose him for who he is to the 'new life' he has created- one where almost everyone thinks he is so wonderful.

he has new supply now- poor woman just out of a divorce with kids

mine D&D me a few times- usually he will be very nasty and blame everything on me when he has someone new in his life... and then cut me off. This last time he would have kept me hanging on if he thought I wouldnt be such a high risk.

his last words to me where - when I am in your life you are always hurt by me- I dont mean for it to happen but it does.

then he got all nasty and hung up.

He has many Xgf just like me - he would tell me stories about how things ended and how they nevr spoke again (I am on that list now) some xgf he does keep in contact with- but I will never be one of those.

“It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”

Susan32's picture

Honesty

My ex-P was all about burning bridges. (he was more of a psychopath than a Narc, tho all psychopaths are narcs) Instead of apologizing and saying "I'm sorry I wasn't clear with you that I already had a girlfriend",or trying to make amends, or apologizing for hurting my feelings--my ex-P told me not to call him AT HOME. Now I realize that was his way of accidentally talking to the OW.

After the D&D, after I found out he ALREADY had a girlfriend--I told him he had acted like a lying, arrogant jerk. I told him that people can do mean things, but they apologize. He still justified himself, saying that being a teacher justified his bullying. I took him to task for his behavior, speaking clinically and coldly. He even had the nerve to say he NEVER had considered me his friend (tho for the past 3 years I had seen him as a friend) I told him I don't throw people away like trash. I got him to admit he was a fake. I tried to get him to see others viewed him.

After D&D, I basically went NC to him. Then he gave the insult to add to injury... since I had used him as a personal reference for a teacher program, I got a call late at night, and one of the professors in the program said I was "dangerous to children" and that I had to "be professional and not tell anyone." Yes, a professor (my ex-P) having the NERVE to try to ruin me professionally. I assume that was his way of trying to get me to pay attention to him. Still, I gave him NC.

Emotional vampires fear honesty just like mythical vampires fear the sunlight.

rainbow1's picture

Susan32

I am really confused on what you are saying here. Are you saying that this is what makes them finally go no contact? Or where you just telling a story?

Susan32's picture

What made my ex-P go NC on me

Being brutally honest with an N or a P is what makes THEM go NC. If you no longer idolize them, and no longer provide supply, they don't want ANYTHING to do with you.

My ex-P didn't want anything to do with me when I told him that he had WANTED to see me upset, hurt, angry, and jealous, and that he liked seeing me in pain. I unmasked him.

He went NC on me (and I on him)... then dealt the final blow (and showed himself to be incapable of friendship) with how he got me kicked out of the teacher education program by claiming I was "dangerous to children."

I had chosen him as a professional reference BEFORE I went NC on him. That was a BIG mistake on my part. It was his usual backstabbing/smearing, as can be expected from psychopaths.

Ironically, I got a teaching job (with children) in another state, and it turned out great... I ended up quitting because I got another job, on good terms, NOT because the ex-P had sabotaged me.

Lisa E. Scott's picture

Susan32 is right!

Once they realize you have figured them out, they won't be as likely to come back. When their mask comes off, they are frightened. They will avoid those who see their true colors.

Susan32's picture

What makes it devastating

What's devastating is that this psychopath was (and still is) in a position of power and trust... as a teacher. I had only one class with him (freshman lab), and the fact that his students mean NOTHING to him is devastating.

I've been able to go NC very easily and painlessly with some Psychs/Narcs I've briefly dated... but the trauma from my ex-P is because he was my teacher, I naturally trusted him, and assumed he had my best interests in mind.

It's frightening as a student to deal with a teacher who wants to personally destroy you.. and either drive you to the insane asylum or to an early grave.

I'm sure this professor would've been happy if I had killed myself when he revealed his girlfriend from LA (he KNEW I was smitten and saw him as a potential boyfriend). That's what scares me. There's something very evil about that. Not a person acting badly, but EVIL.

better off's picture

I think mine had hacked my

I think mine had hacked my email because (for one thing) as soon as I discovered what he was doing and my friend and I were privately raking him over the coals via email and facebook messages, he suddenly went silent with both of us, permanently.

He changed a couple things on his page that I had specifically made fun of, and this was also when I found this site, he made a status update that said he "is so VAIN he probably thinks that song is about him." This is called The Vain Forum.

He never contacted me again. A year later he came crawling back by, and made some out of the blue post to my friend (he and I are not fb friends)... it freaked me out, but then I did a little digging and found that he had gone right down his trolling line, making contact with this person and that, looking for someone to take the bait. I'm glad I didn't.

Anyway... I think MOST of them go away when they know you figured them out and they can't get anything else out of you, including anger. But your sitch is fairly new, rainbow, and he may try for a while. Just keep giving him NOTHING and he will likely find someone else to bother. Right NOW however he has something to hold over your head, with the stuff and all, so he will use that to control you, just because he can.

It's your mate's money, and that makes it her problem. Please refuse to be further involved. Seriously... if she shows up at his doorstep without you he'll refuse to pay?? Seriously? I think she needs to take a friend along. A large male friend. Anyway, it's not your money, and if she is a good friend, she will understand that you cannot be held responsible for him.

enoughalready's picture

come back

When I think my XN is gone forever and will never contact me again-he sends me a txt or a picture of himself as if it's a gift. My XN has been predictable. He'll txt either monday or tuesday every 3 weeks or so. Never on weekends or night, always in the morning when he's bored or when it's raining. I'm hoping he'll find a permanent supply so he can forget me altogether.

calamity-g's picture

what makes narcissist stop using you as supply

ACgirl-- hello.
I wanted to respond to your question. I've been with two narcissists in my life. They were different. The first one was the kind that kept coming back, but then, I kept allowing him to come back and I never had the guts with him during our relationship to really tell him what I thought for fear of abandonment. So it went on and off for nearly two years.

The second narcissist came into my life about twelve years after the first, and the second one is a malignant narcissist, a truly sadistic individual.

I did tell him what I thought. I wrote about it in my blog. He found my blog, I'm sure of this, and I'm sure he did not at all like what I have written, even though I never used his name.

So, he tried to come back into my life, but he wanted to treat me like a prostitute. Actually, he literally asked if I would be that for him. He asked if I would be one of his nude models and I didn't even know he had any!!! He said he would pay me for sex if I could leave my emotions aside and also, not believe anything he said. This man was 62 at the time so we are not talking about a young stud here. Still, love is love, and I had really loved the man.

It was hard not to consider his offer b/c at the time I was missing him so much and craving the love I lost. Thank God I said no to his requests.

Eventually, I told him exactly and clearly all that I really thought of him, like that he is a low life, a liar, a cheater, a hypocrite, a bigot, a loser, and a thug, just to mention a few names I called him. And he listened! I don't know why he listened but he sure did.

He ended up offering to help me die when I told him right before Christmas last year how depressed I was. Said he would come here and help me die! Then he said it would not bother him if I did.

So, I think if you tell them what you really think, I mean, not the loving them but about what liars and losers they are, perhaps they do not try to come back after this. But I can't be sure. I believe this is why mine did not try to come back.

If I had not told him all of those things, I am sure he'd still be trying to see me, use me and tear me apart.

I said no. I told him I refused to see him on his slave-live terms. I told him I had other people in my life who treated me with respect. He was very jealous. He hated me saying no. He hated that I chose to spend time with a good friend when he had time off and wanted to see me.

Saying no to the narcissist really turned him off or as he said, "I said things that put him off." Well, good for me!

~~~~~~~~
My Blog

baddream's picture

Coming Back

In my case, the N kept d&d me and coming back. This went on for 8 years because I allowed it. The cycle has now been broken because after the last d&d I stayed NC. He tried to reach me at first (texts, e-mails, cards, and gifts) but I completely ignored them. I told him the last time I saw him that he would never see me again.

I think the N tries to come back when there is no other supply source, and if he finds none with you he will probably move on permanently.

Steph's picture

I think sometimes they come

I think sometimes they come back and sometimes they don't. They aren't all EXACTLY the same. I think No Contact is the only way to ensure they never come back.

AnotherPath's picture

You never know where they're

You never know where they're lurking or when they may surface. When I l left my exN he tried getting hold of an ex girlfriend that he hadn't spoken to for 16 years, he'd punched her in the face too and thought she'd reply to his facebook message of " Hi, I've got over my stubborness" She ignored him.

Yes, it's all about him!!!!

Lisa E. Scott's picture

No Contact

Yes, No Contact is the only way to ensure they don't come back. The only reason they come back is to get a reacion out of you. They need to know they still have a hold on you, that they can still get you to react, but why?

Why does the narcissist keep coming back? Why can't he leave us alone? It's important to understand that a narcissist has no inner-sense of self. He disconnected from himself a long time ago. Because he has no sense of self, he must be validated by others in order to feel alive. Without outside validation, he feels dead inside.

If a narcissist is deficient in Narcissistic Supply (NS), he will seek it out from anyone he can get it from. If he comes to you after your relationship has ended, you must understand he is coming to you because he is not getting enough attention or validation from his current source of supply.

I know this is harsh and may be hard to accept, but you must get it. He is not returning to you because he misses you or genuinely loves you. Remember, the only two feelings a narcissist experiences are fear and rage (primal feelings). Love is not a feeling a narcissist can experience. If he returns to you, it's because he needs to be validated and nothing more.

I am often asked why some narcissists return only to change their mind immediately after you commit or why they return simply to say something insulting or hurtful to you. The reason for this is because he is only returning to get a "quick fix" on his addiction. Once you validate him by responding to him in any way, shape or form, he's got his fix and will move on to the next best high.

Getting a reaction out of you is like a drug to him. He gets off on it and he needs it in order to feel alive. It gives him a thrill. Without it, he feels dead inside. This is why he will come back simply to insult you or demean you. If he knows he can't get a positive reaction from you, he's going to try to elicit a negative reaction. All he needs is a reaction from you to get his fix - good or bad, he doesn't care - as long as he gets a reaction from you. He likes to know he still has some kind of hold or effect on you.

Do NOT give him this satisfaction. Please Do NOT feed his addiction. Starve the Vampire, ladies. Let him get his fix somewhere else. The only way to deal with a narcissist is to go "No Contact" and refuse to react to him.