Trying2Overcome's Story

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#1 Jun 15 - 1PM
trying2overcome
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Trying2Overcome's Story

Hello to everyone and God Bless you all! I feel like I should stand up and say "Hi, my name is Carla, and I am an addict" What I am addicted to is a controlling, game playing, evil narcissist .. I thank God for this website and others like it because I am learning alot about myself as well as him. I feel "less" crazy now that I realize what has been going on and that there are actually other people that have experienced this and felt the same things I do .. I am amazed how many times I have read my own story on this site. I dated my N on and off for the last 2 years (immediately after I left my husband) At first, it was the most fulfilling thing I have ever experienced. He was sweet and thoughtful and charming. He LOADED me with attention and affection .. which you should know I got NONE of in my marriage. So I went from Famine to FEAST which was addicting. He knew what I needed because we had been friends/co-workers for 7 years. It all seemed to good to be true and I had found my soulmate .. it was a made for TV movie. I thought God himself had sent this man to me because he knew how lonely and love starved I was ... you get the picture. All this soon gave way to bouts of childish jealousy, unfounded accusations among other things that would either cause him to pout or rage .. he alternated, sometimes in the same pointless fight. If I didn't call when he thought I should, if I didn't text back quickly enough, if I was busy and couldn't have lunch etc. I thought "What have I done now"
He was so perfect .. it must be me that is causing this. he accused me of being selfish because I was in a "selfish" marriage where I was given nothing .. so now I was unable to give myself. Ever notice they use the very intimate hurts they know about you against you in the end? We had to be in CONSTANT contact. We talked on the way to and from work, texted all day .. as soon as I woke up in the morning it started. early on I thought .. wow .. this is a little much but hey .. the outbursts became more frequent and he began to "break up" with me, or hang up and not take calls or refuse to see me. All of it felt like he was constantly trying to "punish" me like a child for disappointing him .. and it could be something as simple as we sat close and I didn't reach over and touch him for a couple of minutes because I was looking at a magazine or I went to the grocery store and didn't tell him .. I couldn't make this stuff up you know!! He constantly complimented me and told me how much he loved me and was quick to remind me that NOONE had ever or would ever love me as he did. The thing about the praise is, in one breath he would build me up and in the next he would tear me down. I was flirty looking for attention, he thought my blouse was too revealing, I was selfish and ungiving .. all of which was usually when something didn't go his way. I stayed confused and I felt totally crazy. I found myself feeling exhausted and drained because my every waking hour was spent trying to figure out what I had done wrong and how to right it again to get the guy I fell in love with back. It was NEVER enough. No matter how much time I spent with him or what I did he found fault and reminded me that I didn't love him enough .. I caused him to be insecure. yuck Did I mention that in-between all of this I have 3 children that I was trying to care for and I barely had anything left to give them because he sucked the life and the light right out of me. The good thing about writing this here .. is I feel everyone of you reading it will understand. Everyone else thinks I am crazy and should just get over him. We broke up last summer for about 5 weeks during which time he dated someone else and still slept with me atleast once a week .. I lost 20 lbs in a month and almost had a nervous breakdown .. he had me convinced I was the problem so I begged and pleaded and became someone I do not recognize to get him back .. and so he came. Be careful what you wish for. At first it was euphoric again .. but soon gave way to the endless demands he put on me and yet was still not happy. There was something else in my gut knawing .. besides I knew something in his personality was not right .. something told me as jealous as he was and as much as he accused me of outlandish things .. I had previously thought he would NEVER cheat but suddenly I wasn't so sure .. so I began snooping and being paranoid .. much like him. To my dismay I found a few things that led me to think he had been talking to some women when we were together .. and so I kept it up .. my gut told me he had not cut contact with the girl from the summer .. and long story short .. he hadn't. The very things he accused me of .. were the very things he was doing. Swears he didn't physically see her .. even had her call me to assure me. It was innocent texts and a couple of phone calls .. mostly initiated by her .. but repsonded to by him all the same. He assured me it was "only a few times" and he barely answered ... well his phone records I hacked into said different .. and when confronted with that he raged and told me "I never said it was only a few times" hmmmmm ... who is crazy here??? Anyways ... that compounded with the fact that he that he totally flipped on his x-wife and spit on her in front of his kids as well as mine did it for me. My kids are where I had to draw the line. OF COURSE .. no relationship with the N would be complete without their return and our weakness to have them .. so that is where I am. We broke up the first of January .. but I work with him so I can't be total NC. I have to see him a couple times a week (he works out of the office) I have been weak and met him a few times .. we have have been intimate and had long talks of working it out. Of course that would be dependent on me since I am the problem. If I had given him more attention he wouldn't have felt the need to "talk" to someone else and seek other attention .. (yes, he actually said that) I keep a safe distance because I CAN'T go back .. my kids would move out on me .. they hate him. So, there is no real danger in me fully going back but why do I miss him and his attention?? I know I fell in love with someone that does not exist .. so my brain can't make sense of what my heart feels. He comes back for supply every couple of weeks .. even when we have talked or been together for a few days when my kids are gone .. I know he is talking to and seeing other women .. but I am the one he loves and he would come back and be faithful if I would committ .. the last time I went back into his phone records and saw that he had been sending pics (dirty no doubt) back and forth with someone .. so I texted the number and it was a girl he met online and had been talking to but had not met in person yet .. dirty pics first you know??!! Who is he??? not the upstanding moral honest guy he sold himself as. He is like a bad politician ... that pretty much did me in and I threw up for the next 3 days until I could gain some strength back. true to form .. its been a couple of weeks and since Friday he has been trying to contact me .. and I am proud to report that today .. he came in my office leaned all over top of me while I looked something up for him .. smelling and looking good .. wanted to know why I wouldn't look him in his eyes .. I ignored and went on to give him his answer about work .. then in his sexy voice .. he asked "Do you want to kiss me"
(deep breath) .. I said NOPE .. I think he was stunned when he asked "Why not?" To which I did look up and answer "Because I REFUSE to go backwards" he threw his papers on my desk and said "FINE" and stormed out like a child. Haven't heard from him since (secretly I wanted to .. sick huh?) it took all I had .. it was the FIRST time in over 2 years I rejected his advances .. feels kinda good!!!! I think I can do this! I pray I can. I NEED to show him .. HE AIN'T ALL THAT ... and he is losing control over me each day. btw .. I blocked his numbers from my home and cell weeks back and it was the best thing I ever did!!! It frees me somewhat when I am not at work to know he can't send a random text or call .. I don't sleep well and he is my last thought at night and the first in the morning .. but its getting better.
I am so glad I found this site and I have been reading and drinking up all the stories because it is really helping me. I have printed out a few things and keep them in my nightstand so when I feel weak I pull them out and re-read them and remind myself what an unhealthy, life-sucking danger he is. If there is one thing I can say to anyone weak like myself, who may be having a "maybe just this once" moment when you think you can get a quick fix of them and stay in control .. DO NOT lie to yourself .. it will take you 100 steps backwards .. even just once!! And they will quickly turn on you or try to control you and you will hate yourself for giving in .. If there is one thing I do not miss .. it is walking on eggshells contantly afraid to do or say the wrong thing because I will set him off and have to endure his wrath and critisism .. he undermined everything I ever knew was right and true and I struggle each and every day to get back what he stole from me .. what I ALLOWED him to steal. Once you know .. there is is strength in your knowledge and they can no longer abuse you unless YOU LET them .. do not go back .. Go NC if you have a choice .. there are better days ahead for all of us .. I just know it!!!

Much Love
Carla

Jun 15 - 8PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

what is our final breaking point?

I know exactly where you are and i feel so bad for you as i could have written your story just a few years ago. it's the gutwrenching time when you know KNOW you need to leave this behind but it hurts so much it seems impossible. Is this love? No!, it is the brainwashing that has come with all the beaten down loss of self that comes from someone completely taking over your life and twisting it into someone who says 'how high' whenever he says jump. When i read all of these stories from those in the position i use to be in and from those who are where i am now, i have to wonder: What was our final breaking point? When did we finally have to stop this or be destroyed? Sadly, i guess i had to reach the absolute brink of destruction before i finally made a vow to NEVER, NEVER go back again. How many times do we have to go back only to relive the same nightmare over and over again. The honeymoon gets shorter and shorter. So we just keep being destroyed for what amounts to 5 minutes of 'all we ever wanted'. I can not stress enough about reading Sandra Brown's website. Read everything. Not only will you begin to understand exactly the motives behind what he is doing but most importantly how they have affected you. Don't you find it amazing that you can still want this man despite some of the most incredulously unacceptable things he has done? I would never have stood for any of these things from anyone in the past. I have left many a relationship for far lesser things than this. And yet i kept going back because, as i thought, i couldn't live with him, couldn't live without him. These are things that have real explanations and once understood can begin to be healing places. I can remember some of the most emotionally painful times in my life and yet i was 'working things out a week later'. I can't say definitely if having this information back then instead of all the accusations of being dysfunctional and a co dependent and etc... would have ended things much earlier before so many years of being played again and again but i think it probably would have. When you begin to understand what truly drives them and what they have done to you, i believe you may struggle for a while and possibly have to go through a few more reconciliation lessons, but they will end more quickly because you are aware. And the sooner they end the less years of damage you will have to recover from. In the reality of life, two years is a blink of the eye. Ten years, twenty years, these are histories that are imbedded deep. This is when everything you can remember involves them. When you have few friends left because he has disconnected you from everything that you used to be. I hope you will see the advantage of getting out NOW. When the 'veterans' on this site say NO CONTACT it is because that is truly the only way to begin to regain your ability to think more clearly. Initially it is almost impossible and i would liken it to stopping smoking, you try and try again. But it is the only way to begin to break the spell they have on you. To let your own reason begin to take over again. You have to recognize and respect the power that they can wreak with just a few words and undo whatever gains you may have made in clearing your mind. They want you to obsess about them and know they can kill your whole day with just a few words. I think it is necessary to explain to each and every one why NO CONTACT is so vital. It is not enough to tell a woman who is struggling with not answering that text or phone call to just say NO. You are breaking their involvement in your life and allowing yourself to find yourself again. It is peace to think and work out and plan the next step for you. And, do not make the same mistake i made. If they start showing up in your house because you refuse contact, call the police. Set the boundary. They have to know that they cannot get away with showing up. If you do not set this boundary, they will continue because they can. Again, read Sandra Brown's website and learn why you feel this way so that possibly you can begin to end it. Good luck to you. Don't let him be your ten year nightmare. It happens so easily.

almostlydia

Jun 15 - 5PM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

your doing so well..

Stay strong and remember that your are amazing. I cant believe you have three children and have done so well to stay strong. Well done you for being a mother and for working and still holding your sense of self together.. Its hard I know but it sounds as though you are doing pretty well so far with the NC... I think your right about the breaking NC just is like 100 steps backwards. Ny NARC looks after my son in our family home sometime because he lives out of town. I allow this becasue it would be cruel to my son to force then on the streets for the time i work short shifts but man everytime he comes in my house he starts meddling, going through stuff, changing stuff, throwing things out, moving furniture, just general meddling.. its mind control.. he cant help but have to control the environment my son and I live in.. Its draining and depleting me.. and he knows it... I know I have to find a better way... Well I just think your doing well to keep reminding yourself what he is and how to stay NC.. Good luck with your healing journey..
Jun 17 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
trying2overcome
trying2overcome's picture

thank you

Thank you and good luck to you as well! I am so glad to have found this site and that we have each other to lean on and talk things over with. I think everyone else thinks I am crazy!!
Jun 15 - 2PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I give you so much credit

I give you so much credit for Friday and know how hard that must of been telling him 'no' but you did and I think that's great!!! You are strong and can do it! I also read and hope to find strength to leave my N. Right now I've been physically ill and depressed and sleep a lot. I'm very depressed at the thought that he has someone else right now to give him the attention he wants. He hasn't been contacting me and barely talks to me at all. I'm miserable beyond words. So for you, that you've fought hard to get past where I am I say 'keep going' and you give me hope. Keep up the good work! Sad1
Jun 15 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
trying2overcome
trying2overcome's picture

You are stronger than you think Sad1

thank you for your words! You are stronger than you think and you too can do it. You have to BELIEVE it for it to be true .. keep reminding yourself!! I know EXACTLY how you feel .. I still am sickened at the thought that he is with someone else .. BUT .. never forget that they will not satisfy his endless need for attention and affirmation either!! He WILL NOT be happy with her for long and she will begin to see thru him and his fake self will start to unravel! I know the depression and the desire to sleep because that is the only time you feel better but when you wake up it is right there waiting for you .. I think I read your story .. don't you have a child too? Focus on your child, they are what is truly precious and important. That love is REAL and TRUE. Do things with and for them. Make yourself get up and get out of the house .. go to the beach or the park or take him/her to the library to get a book .. whatever. The first step is to make yourself break the pattern and it will not be overnight .. but slowly, you will begin to feel better about yourself. Right now he controls your mind .. you have to switch the power and give it back to yourself. When you do, you will be so proud of yourself and you will feel so much better! Love yourself and Love your child .. let go of the other. One day, there will be someone else and you will know who NOT to choose. I think first, for women like us, we need to heal ourselves and learn to love ourselves again and detox from the poison that has been fed to us ... then and only then can we even think about being ok with someone else. I am hugging you in my heart because I know how bad it hurts !!! xxoo
Jun 15 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

thank you for your encouragement

I feel so guilty and afraid and cry all the time now. I've been laying in bed all day and seem to feel worse every day. I am so scared this mind control he has over me. I'm so sad and just sit and wait for him to send me 1 text a day. I never see him during the week and I won't see him next weekend. I don't really have a plan because he never lets me make plans. I've always been a huge planner and loved to plan things. No longer. I don't recognize myself and feel fake to the outside world now. I have no desire to contact family and friends and I don't want to do anything. I force myself to do things with my son but those are forced and I feel horrible that I'm this way. I love my son very much and he deserves more of my attention. I just can't focus anymore. I read your story and appreciate that you have done what I can't bring myself to do. You are getting stronger daily and that's so important and I know that. Thank you again! hugs
Jun 15 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

sad1

Please get in touch with a domestic violence centre, or victim support. Talk to them if you can't talk to anyone you know they will understand and they will help you. You can't go on like this you need help now. Has he ever been violent as well as being emotionally abusive? Big hugs to you

Ending the dance

Jun 16 - 6AM (Reply to #5)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I appreciate it but I don't

I appreciate it but I don't know what to do yet. My N has been a little violent in the bedroom when we are having sex but not left bruises or anything. I would like to learn more about this brainwashing. I used to be a strong independent woman and now I'm dependent on his every move to contact me first and wondering what he is doing constantly. I'm tired of it. I do try to turn things around in my head all the time and try to re-think things but it's a hard process. I appreciate this site so much and all the encouraging words and posts from everyone. It helps to read others are going through this and I'm not going crazy. thanks, xoxoxo
Jun 17 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
trying2overcome
trying2overcome's picture

I hope you are doing some

I hope you are doing some better today. I have been thinking about you because I understand the complete sadness and how you can not make yourself move. I was like that last summer. There were days I never got out of my bed and my heart felt SO heavy. PLEASE try and make yourself do something. Try to set a small goal each day then make yourself get up and do it. even if its the only thing you do that day it will give you a sense of accomplishment and may give you the strength to set another for the next day. Do it for YOU and do it for your SON !! You can do it!! I prayed ALOT .. talk to God and push yourself and keep coming here for support. I promise you can do this and eventually it will become easier and you will begin to have more clarity. Hugs xxoo
Jun 17 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

thank you trying2overcome

Thank you! I haven't been sleeping at night and by 3:30am I had it pegged that he must be with another woman because he is contacting me so little. Yet I cannot prove it so I keep myself miserable and questioning my sanity. He is also very intelligent so loves to get attention with his knowledge as well. I know his job is going well right now so it could be that he's getting a full supply of attention at work. I don't know. I wish I could focus more on me and my son but I don't. I try to make little steps and I end up back in the hole of this insanity over and over. I would be locked away right now if it weren't for me having my son. I know I would be completely crazy. My N makes me feel like a little girl that can do nothing right and I'm a crazy jealous nut job. I don't know how to recover from the abuse and get away from it. He is a drug to me and I'm an addict of his abuse I guess? I just feel everything is getting worse. I appreciate you thinking of me and I hope your day was a good one with no good thoughts of your N.