The bit I hated most about living with the N...
Is that he could be in the 'dark' mood, this very dark place, his engery would be flowing everywhere, he wonuldnt talk in more than one word answers. You ask him if he is okay or if there is some thing wrong but he grunts and doesnt speak 'no' "im fine" and then when you cannot take it any longer and you become reiled and angry and raisee your voice becasue he can insult you and sounds perfectly reasonable while doing it. YOu almost think he has a point until he gets too nasty to even continue talking too. You feel crazy as hell. He can turn it all round and make you look like you were acting up, tells you about your temper tantrum, says how meladramatic you have been in front of your child and makes an example of you infront of the child as the one who is out of control and crazy...
And damn it he is right, you are and you think yea I am the one with the problem, well for a while at least... one time when Ezra was a baby we had this row and I threw a beuatiful yellow salad dish at the floor. It was shocking. becasue all the pieces flew off and up into the air where my son was sitting in his high chair. My son was fine but I realised what my anger could do butI felt so unable to stop it coming... I was so frightned that I think I just had to make myself feel bigger by showing I can stand uo for myself or soemthing. I dont know...I should have known then, I never get angry like that now... I get a bit flustered like every mum does but nit liek that no way... Thank god but its a good reminder for me... You look like the loop the loop and they get away composed and calcualted. One time he wen to hit with me a tennis racket and I crapped myself, I was drinking smoothie and I nearly spat it all out.. BUt he said he did because I was calling him nasty infront of his son.So I asked him if it was okay to lunge at me with a racket in front of out son... and he said 'Well he didn't see that'... so it let him off the hook for his anger becasue as long as our boy was looking the other way then it was not a crime...
YEA, the bit I hate most is the maniuplation of your words and the way they can make you so angry.. I am letting my anger go with him, out of my life... let the healing light of living back in to your life. I dont want another relationship, I want to re-form the relationship with myself. WE all need to do that... thats when life gets really good I think..