LOVE... LOVE... LOVE... Will I Ever Find Mine?

LOVE... LOVE... LOVE... Will I Ever Find Mine?
Posted June 2, 2010 - 9:06am
0

I have asked myself this question a million times, the answer is NO I will never find (unless he is another sociopath) what I THOUGHT I had with the psychopath. It was a double whammy for me I went from a horrible marriage into the arms of this person that represented something NOT real. So what have I got, on one hand I have a marriage that was abusive on the other hand I have this disordered person masking as everything he knew I wanted and was missing.

I know now what I have THAT IS REAL. I have a marriage partner that is still now what I really want, I am now in the process of recovering from being the victim of a sexual predator, and I must make decisions to change my life, that is what I have and that is the only thing that is REAL in my life and that is what I have to focus on.

Love love love..... will I ever find mine? That depends, getting away from all the brainwashing and mind games he did to me I must give myself time to extract myself from it all, like Barbara said 18 months to heal, sort it all out and deprogram, once that is done and my mind is clear I can truly know what a healthy relationship is and what is real and what isnt. I will never go chasing dreams that will never come true, my goal is to stay in the real world and not use him as an escape from reality. Thats the painful part of recovery living in reality.

‹ Anger & Trauma Moving Forward ›
quietude's picture

cynthia

June 2, 2010 - 9:42am — quietude (not verified)

Amen, sister!
That's a good attitude to have, staying in the real world is the most important thing we can do for ourselves. I think if real love happens to come along, nothing wrong with pursuing, but I think it has to pass a whole bunch of litmus tests before we can even think to start trusting someone else. I'm still not sure if I'll ever get there? But I won't ever feel like crap in a relationship again...that is my top priority.

smileyfacepr's picture

Yeahhh!!

June 2, 2010 - 3:33pm — smileyfacepr

I 2nd that quitude...never let anyone have control over us again and feel good in a relationship, once I find myself again..I will never lose me again for anyone EVER!!!! Im glad we have eachother..what a difference since I founf this forum!! Thanks Barbara!!

enoughalready's picture

love

June 2, 2010 - 9:37am — enoughalready

I searched for love and found pathology.I thought it was love and it was all a fake. Now I'm turned off of love and trying to make it work w/ my husband. I don't know how I'll ever get the love back I had in my marriage. I don't have the energy to try anymore. My XN turned me off of love w/ any man. It's sad to say, I'm married to keep my family together. I just hope I can fall in love w/ my husband again in the near future.

cynthia's picture

same here

June 2, 2010 - 7:22pm — cynthia (not verified)

I just hope I can fall in love w/ my husband again in the near future.

Whatever you do dont compare him to the sociopath you had like I did for such a long long time, no wonder I am all screwed up when it comes to healthy love. I know what I had with my husband was at least not pathological, verbally abusive yes but he wasnt a sexual predator nor was he a psychopath. Those are the extremes I know and its not good to be with a partner either that is plain verbally abusive none of it is acceptable.

I feel like you do I was so damaged when it comes to love that I dont know how I will love someone again and that is NOT my husbands fault that is the psychopaths fault.

Barbara's picture

enoughalready

June 2, 2010 - 3:01pm — Barbara (not verified)

and if you DON'T Fall back in love with your husband

BE STRONG ENOUGH TO END IT AND HAVE A HAPPY LIFE BY YOURSELF instead of clinging to someone just to HAVE someone!

~~~~~~~~~
Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals

Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

enoughalready's picture

Barbara

June 3, 2010 - 2:10am — enoughalready

I've been single and alone before for years. I divorced my first husband and lived alone for a few years before I married my present husband. I feel I need to work on my marriage but also not afraid to be alone. I'm alone a lot already and frankly, I enjoy the solitude and peace. I could careless if I'm alone for the rest of my life. As long as I have my children, that's enough for me. I understand what you are saying though, I used to feel like that years ago. Counseling has helped me work through those issues.

AnotherPath's picture

I agree with Barbara. The

June 2, 2010 - 7:45pm — AnotherPath

I agree with Barbara. The 18 month being single is a good thing, but for me it's been over two and a half years single, that's what I've needed and I'm still single. I miss the obvious, but I need to rebuild my life and myself so much that I want to be in a place ready for when a non pathological sociopath enters it, and I don't have too much baggage from the N to spoil it. But before that I want/need to rebuild my life for me. Being on my own is good for me right now. Of course I get lonely bouts but I manage it, right now I bask in the fact that I'm not with a pathological. I'm also seeing some of my friends that can't be on their own and although they've never been with a narc their compromises are high in their new relationships because they don't want to be on their own. I don't envisage or want to be on my own forever, but I owe it to myself and him, Mr future, to be ready when it happens.

Barbara's picture

dangerous

June 2, 2010 - 10:33pm — Barbara (not verified)

yes. This COMPULSION some women seem to have to HAVE to be in a relationship or HAVE to have a man or HAVE to be married...

...and the moaning about being alone...

THIS is the sort stuff predators will sniff right out and find you. Be happy by yourself for a while. At least 18 months. Stop worrying about all your friends being hooked up. Be happy being YOUR OWN best friend.

~~~~~~~~~
Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals

Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

quietude's picture

affirmations

June 3, 2010 - 7:57am — quietude (not verified)

I'm not big on affirmations, I actually feel silly doing the Stuart Smally thing...lol

But one thing I repeat to myself often is "Be careful who you invite into your precious life".