guitargirl's story

I want to share my story because identifying this was nearly impossible prior to getting married. He treated me like a queen. The only time I sensed something might be wrong was that he fell asleep a few times when we were together and would talk in his sleep. He would say mean things to me, cursing me. Then he would wake up an apologize.

This was bizarre and after a perfect engagement, he continued to do strange things in his sleep, always angry. I was afraid he would kill me in his sleep and he was even a little afraid himself, and kept the gun and bullets in the attic so he would wake up if he ever went to it. He would yell and fuss with me about something and I would try to tell him this was not happening (like it was a dream/ hallucination, such as a train was coming) and he would still see it and be sorta sleepwalking. I was afraid he would think I was a deer and try to break my neck even while he was asleep. A lot of them were about snakes.

I felt sorry for him, but it became apparent that there was a lot of really deep seated anger. On the honeymoon, everything changed, suddenly, he announced, barely a few miles from the church, that I was not allowed to touch the controls of the air conditioner, only he could do that when he was driving.

I became like his little child. He was very protective to me, even until I left, but the other side was that he would abuse me when I wasn't perfect. He wanted full submission and for me to have no needs. If I ever became frustrated because he was so cold emotionally toward me, then he would fly into a rage. He would pin me to the wall and scream obscenities to my face. Many time, my face was covered in his spit or other body fluids. He made sure it didn't leave a mark. I was fantasizing about suicide.

As a strong Christian, I had no alternative to divorce him. I felt that only if he committed adultery, that I could do that Biblically. I was actually hoping he would have an affair so I could end it. I supported him for 5 years while he kept changing his major. I had to wait all that time to have a baby. He totally controlled everything about the baby. I couldn't do a thing without his permission. He became my lifeline. I couldn't make a decision and quit because he always changed them anyway. I refused to be like "June Cleaver" and he insisted that the house be perfect, meals on the table at an exact time, breakfast made, the children taken well care of, and oh yeah, just tack on working to that, so that I would have something to do.

After years, he made a huge income and insisted that I work, which brought in pennies on the dollar compared to what he made. He said, well, what would you do if you don't work? (Well, let's see, how bout washing, cooking, ...) I made everything from scratch pretty much and worked so hard, I would even put up 40 dozen ears of corn in one day in the summer. Some years ago, he announced that he didn't love me, seemed related to my domestic insecurities (I watch videos and I would have a very clean house and be putting on a full dinner for all the grandparents, etc. of food that I had made, many times even making homemade rolls) but that wasn't good enough, because I left the dishes in the drainer to drain.

He would get angry and throw and break things, usually that I made or else something that my friends gave me. The door frame was broken from slamming the door. often thought he would snap my forearms, as he would be pinning me to the bed and squeezing them and pressing them into the mattress. Sometimes he did that with my hair instead and would hurt my head. I was never bruised, but once had scratches on my arm which I lied about to a friend.

One day, 10 years into it, a friend asked me if I was being abused. This was the first time, ever, that I finally admitted it to myself and someone else. Until then I had lied and covered. Well, we got counseling and he said he would quit, but not after an incident where he scrubbed a diaphragm with body fluids all over my face. I called the abuse line to see if that was considered abuse. I was so fooled by his lack of hitting me. He knew that and used it to his advantage. He made me promise that I would never mention the abuse to anybody for the rest of our marriage or else he would leave right this minute. Big Mistake! I should have said, I don't promise, see you later, but I stayed.

I stayed and told no one else for 10 more years, despite even worse emotional abuse and then occasional "slips" of physical issues. I finally had enough and with a true Miracle of God helping me get out, I left. Now I feel as though I am lost without him. He has not allowed me to think or make decisions for years and now I have to think for myself. I am still mourning the loss of him as a part of my life. I always fantasize that he will have a major heart change and call me and express his sorrow for how he abused me for years and how he would do anything to have a chance at having me back, because he loves me.

I can say that I still love him, that is hard to divorce a man you love. It is torture, but in the end, I laid it all out on the table and realized that it was his terms and his terms meant that I would have to accept his behavior, that in his eyes, it was perfectly good and not only that, but that in his eyes, I was the one abusing him. He was very paranoid and brought up things that never happened. This is like gaslighting and made me think I was going insane.

I am so glad that I have been 3 months now since the divorce without being told I'm mentally ill and not keeping the house clean enough and him complaining that I keep him awake. I could be on the opposite side of the house (I'm a night owl and he goes to bed early) and he would poke his head in being very irritated with me. I couldn't do anything after he went to bed, which could be as early as 9:00. Even one night, I was making some nutritional supplement and stirring and this prompted him snapping and moving to the detached garage and he lived there months and I wasn't allowed to touch him for 6 months. I thought that odd since men seem to need sex, but he was withholding it for months with a willing wife.

Oh well, he got what he wanted, he doesn't have to deal with his imperfect wife who can't get his dinner on the table in time.