Allie's Story

I first met my narc when I was 15 years old. I spotted him in the hallway at school and had never seen someone so handsome, there was just something about him that floored me. He was popular and a jock, I was awkward and a late-bloomer. He found out through a friend that I was asking about him, flirting for a week led to him asking me out, then asking me to go steady. He was my first boyfriend, my dad was very strict, but allowed me to car date. He figured I was keeping my grades up, had my first job, so I was responsible enough. Within a week of dating, my narc was quickly initiating me into sex, I was inhibited, and sexually immature, and he was consistently pushing my boundaries. All these things I see clearly now, but coming from an alcoholic, abusive home, my boundaries were almost non-existent. My narc "knew" that I was not going to go all the way, I was a virgin and wanted to stay that way, he said he understood, etc., within 2 months of him "waiting patiently" he date raped me. I still remember every second of the event as it happened, I remember the moment when I knew it was inevitable and I was completely defenseless. I remember how strong he was, and pushed himself into me while I kept shouting No and Stop it. I remember every word he said to me during even though it was so many years ago. His words telling me "it's okay, it will feel better in a minute" as it felt like he was ripping me apart. I also remember how he took me home, kissed me sweetly, never apologized, acted like it was consensual and then the next day told me again how much he loved me. And I continued to go out with him and I simply chose to "forgive" him, though I knew what he had done, he was so charming, I convinced myself he just couldn't stop himself and I had led him on by letting him get to first, then second base...and all high school boys wanted sex, I was lucky this popular, handsome boy wanted me. I continued to date this narc throughout high school on and off, never giving any decent boys a second glance. He would dump me or cheat on me or do what I know now are signs of a narc, or a psychopath. He was a big one for revenge, one time when my father found out we were having sex and wouldn't allow him to call the house anymore, my narc waited until we were away on vacation and tore up the lawn with his car. He lied to my face when I asked (we had continued to see each other) but I found out from a friend of his he did it. When I confronted him, he told me he was "just so pissed at my dad". All these things I overlooked, choosing to continue in this intense, romantic relationship where most of the time he made me feel beautiful and alive.
After high school my narc went into the military, which really saved me. He would come home on leave, and I would drop everything for him, but I knew he had other girlfriends...and the distance made me able to see more clearly. I started to see him for the man/boy he really was, and I felt a sense of evil and dread about him. I started going out with my friends more and that eventually led to meeting my husband. We dated for 2 years and got married, and just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. For the most part we have been happily married, have two beautiful children who we are devoted to, and we have a mutual love and affection for each other. There have been some ups and downs that come with any marriage though, and we have both gone through periods where we get bored with the relationship. So far we have always been able to come out of this, one of us always wants to work on it, and brings the other around. Then 7 months ago the narc contacted me after 22 years. It started benignly enough, a friendly email through classmates, not an intimate email by any means, but it stirred something in me. We started emailing back and forth and it got more and more personal...then sentimental...then romantic...then sexual. I would find myself reading and RESPONDING to these emails...and think "what the hell am I doing?" but I couldn't stop. It felt addictive, I started feeling better about my day to day life, I was more positive, nicer to everyone, joined a gym and got in the best shape I'd been in since I was 25. My husband was away for business frequently during this time, and the narc was telling me how fascinating and beautiful I was, and that he'd never loved anyone like he had loved me. I soaked it up like a sponge. He claimed his wife was not sexual and that he had had a few meaningless affairs, but still I continued the emails. He asked me for naked pictures,telling me I could send them "without my head in the pic", and though I didn't send them I still continued the emails. When after 3 months of him pushing me to see him in person, I told him we should stop contact before we "did something we'd regret", he seemed to lose his mind, writing me things that were so hateful and spiteful. I raged back, he retracted his words, but didn't apologize, yet I kept up contact. After 5 months of emailing back and forth(by now I had set up a separate email just for him), the fog started to lift again, I once again started seeing him for the psychopath he was/is, not my romanticized fantasy of him. I started a routine, I would read all the new posts on the forum, and on Barbara's blog, then I would pull up all the emails he had sent me and line-by- line decipher his words. This left me sick to my stomach, and angry, but everytime I did it, I gained more resolve. I started to loathe him. In trying to escape from a valley in my marriage, I was on the verge of giving all the good things in my life away to the most evil man I have ever met. He had already taken so much from me and gotten away with it...and yet I was ready to give him a little more. I won't pretend it was a breeze to just cut him off, it was rough, I was used to this intense relationship-the attention, and that's not easy to give up. But I never let him know it. I have actually been reading the forum for months trying to figure out the best way to end it, and what finally worked was letting him be the one to end it. I made myself boring to him. He would write and ask "are you ever going to send me a naked photo, you know how important skin is to me" I would restrain myself from simply writing back "f*ck you" and I would ignore his requests, and write back about how my kids were sick, or talk about boring day to day things. I became everything he despised to repel him, I became "average". It worked, within a week his emails just stopped. It actually stunned me how he quickly he dropped me without a moment of hesitation. I actually went back and re-read my last email to him because I tried to figure out what set him off...but it was nothing, he was just DONE with me. One moment he is telling me he finally watched the Notebook..and cried...and it will forever be "our" movie because it is "our" story...(gag) and two weeks later he's simply gone. I waited 3 more weeks (yes...3,ugh), reading the forum posts here everyday to coach me...then I deleted my email account. I have no doubt it was his intention to continue our emotional affair (emotion on my part only, of course) and then quickly progress to a sexual affair. He was always asking what I needed and wanted in a man, and wanted to know what it was that my husband didn't give me. He told me "I could carry out an affair with you so easily, I could handle the 'duality' of it" which I know now from the narc-speak post simply meant "it would be so easy for me, because I have no consience".
I knew I wanted to post my story first before I add any posts. I feel like I know alot of you from reading your stories and posts and can't wait to learn and contribute to the forum.