ice queen's story

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#1 May 9 - 5PM
ice queen
ice queen's picture

ice queen's story

My story is typical, I know. I started dating a N. The beginning of the relationship was wonder. The criticism started in the form of my inability to trust him. Then it moved on to other things/areas I was inept in (affection, interacting, communicating...you name it). At one point, he told me I did not have the ability to be in a "healthy relationship." To make a long story short, he eventually slept with his ex-girlfriend. I later found out he was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend and ex-wife the first few months we dated. I dumped him. He was relentless in pursuing me... started reading self-help books, said he would go to counseling, etc. It was months, but I eventually took him back. He lied throughout our relationship about anything and everything. He went to a concert with his ex-girlfriend because I "pissed him off" in confronting him about lying about contact with her. He then wiggled his way back in my life; gave me a "promise" ring. Things went well for a few months, then he increasingly became more nasty. The criticism was relentless and it was downright verbal abuse. I refused to spend any time with him because he was being so abusive. I then found him signed up for an on-line dating service. We were done at that point. He has since slept with his ex-girlfriend again and at least one other woman.

He has contacted me periodically - when he does not have his next lined up. His emails go from hinting that if I could just stop being negative, we could have a relationship... that I didn't meet his needs and given that, of course, he had to get them met somewhere else... to him telling me I am self-righteous, ad nauseum. In the emails I have responded to, if he perceives what I wrote as me wanting him back, he becomes very nice and cordial. If I have confronted him in the responses I have sent, he says things like "why is it everything with you is always chocolate covered with shit?".

I believe he is trying to see if he can keep me on stand-by for the times he is without his next victim. Yet other times he absolutely HATES me. At one point he told me, "You can tell whoever you want that you are happy but you are god-damn miserable you just won't admit it." Projection on his part, I know. It was a big ego blow to him when I told him I'd had enough and of course he orchestrated it so he was the one who ended the relationship (which I let him have because I really don't care anymore). In the past he had used signing up for an on-line dating service to hook me back in...except this final time, it backfired on him. In looking back and based on his behavior, him signing up was again another way to try to intimidate me to give him what he wanted and to get me hooked back in.

I have not responded to his last email. I am worried he will increase pressure if he doesn't find someone that provides him with the supply he needs. Has anyone ever had that experience before with an ex-N? Where they waffle from being cordial and loving to verbally abusive after you've ended the relationship?

May 20 - 8AM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

I know a sure fire way to get them to stay away for good

If you want the pressure off for good. If you are 100% sure you no longer want this sick person in your life in any manner. If you no longer have a sense of guilt, sadness, empathy, remorse, longing for the old relationship ect.. EXPOSE HIM! Tell everyone and anyone who will listen. Tell details of his abuse. Tell him you are exposing him. He will run like a meer cat! Once he knows you mean business and that you will never be the supply again he will disappear for good. It is pathetic we have to lower ourselves to the standards of what we once settled for but it works. You have to be very firm and follow through with everything you say you will do. Fight fire with fire. You cannot rationalize with him, he will not listen. He doesn't hear you. Give him one email. Just one. In this mail tell him your intent. Give him a list of names and any evidence you have that supports your past with him. Tell him you will be making packages for each one of these people to view. Include his work place, family, friends ect...Tell him if he makes one step toward you in any fashion (phone, email, friends, physical contact) You will mail these packages and his life will be a living hell. You must be prepared to follow through. In the end you will see him run for the Hills! Good luck ice queen

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

May 20 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

agree

I agree exposure is only a bad idea if they are violent and could harm you or your children/ family ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 9 - 8PM
ice queen
ice queen's picture

I appreciate the comments.

I appreciate the comments. Believe me - it has been an incredibly painful process to get where I am at. I went through the grieving, the obsessing (still struggle with that at times). One of the things I did - which was incredibly helpful and helped not only ground me in reality but also confirmed that it was not ME that was crazy or losing my mind....I kept notes when we talked on the phone. For one, it helped me keep track of the things he said and as time went on, I could see patterns. Whether blaming, denying things he said or just to look at it at a later point and see how cruel and abusive the things he said actually were. The biggest way it helped was that I could see, consistently, just how inconsistent the things he said were. It helped me see that it was not me being "insecure" or not ENOUGH whatever it was at the time. You simply cannot build trust when the person you are with cannot even SAY consistent things, let alone when their words and actions don't match. He is smooth and there were alof of things about our relationship I absolutely loved. But I look back and see that if he was just mirroring me - the things I loved about our relationship were actually things about ME. That certainly puts the whole drama in a different light. When I first found out he cheated, he was ALL about "us". He was apologetic, he wanted to "build a life" together. He made a mistake. AD NAUSEUM. This time around it has been ugly. He has been so verbally abusive it is unreal. And he changes approaches (or should I say "tactics" like he is changing his underwear). All part of the pattern to keep the target second guessing. I know that now. I know in talking to his exwife and ex-girlfriend he has never been verbally aggressive toward them - only me. I also know that both of them did not confront him the way I did. I called him out on it and let his family know what he had done. I would not accept any excuses or otherwise. Now he tells me that I am "impossible to talk to." I once read that if someone with a personality disorder tells you that (or someone that is pathological liar...same thing), that is actually a compliment. Means they cannot get anything by you. I told him I have his number. I also told him that one-time infidelity can be a human mistake but that serial infidelity is PATHOLOGICAL. Hence, his response "why is everything from you always chocolate covered shit?" My response (in my head...didn't respond). Sucks to be YOU. Ice Queen

Ice Queen

May 9 - 8PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Waffling

Yep, back and forth almost daily. After he DD'd me.... I'm sure it is when he wants something or feel like we are losing contact, that he calls and is the sweetest, most supportive man in the world. Asking me what is going on in my life and helping me with whatever that is.... Then the next day... if something I do isn't completely to his likely (and believe me, everything I do is pretty mild!) he fires off hateful emails... It is crazy making....walking on eggshells..... and it is normal for an N. So as everyone on this website says, NC is truly the only way to go. Because they don't change and it will drive you mad.... And you do sound very level-headed....don't put up with it. You deserve better...
May 9 - 6PM
gullablegull (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

..."Has anyone ever had that

..."Has anyone ever had that experience before with an ex-N? Where they waffle from being cordial and loving to verbally abusive after you've ended the relationship?" Mine was perfect, totally cordial and loving.... then we married. Be glad he's gone. NC....NO CONTACT........ You sound very sane and strong. Glad you saw through him, and so well. Forget you knew the creep...