ollie's story

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#1 May 8 - 1AM
ollie
ollie's picture

ollie's story

Omg. I am losing it. I am desperate and was looking online for anything to help me with the feelings I am having and ran across this website. I am mortified, devastated, frustrated, crushed and so so sad. I can't believe it. Everything I have read on here describes what I am going through.

I don't understand. I don't understand how he can go on with his life after he has taken everything from mine, that he continues to exist as if nothing has happened, including being with me. I gave him everything, everything. I have no friends because he said they were not good enough for me, shut myself off from everything and he became my whole world and he made me think I was his until lately, now while he goes out and continues on, I am left in pieces, constantly looking a my phone, hoping to see him,the hope kills me, just kills me.

He says it is my fault and i don't listen? I don't even know what I did? So it was wrong to love him so wholly and unconditionally? I am mortified sitting here and thinking of what I have given him and gave up for him, while I realized after reading things here he gave up nothing.

The hardest part is thinking he might be with someone else intimately the way he was with me, that he is now ignoring me because he is with someone else? i cannot even wrap my mind around it. How can that be? How? It makes me physically ill to think of it. I thought this was it, the love of my life, my soul mate, starting my life and looking forward to the future and spending it with someone who understood me and now

I am suppose dto spend the next 2 to 3 years of my life trying to undo what he did to me? F*cking a. I don't know if I can do that.

May 10 - 2AM
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Ollie

So sorry you are feeling so devastated. My exN used to say that I didn't listen too, but we do listen and that's how we get brainwashed. When the realization sets in that you have lost your love and they weren't the person you thought they were, well,it just breaks your heart in two. I totally understand as does everybody on here. I couldn't go to work at first or function as I normally do in the beginning and my heart goes out to you...you feel like someone has died and it takes a long time to make sense of it all....but have faith, you will, you are not alone. Be gently with yourself and take great care of yourself. Hugs and God Bless x
May 10 - 12AM
ollie
ollie's picture

thank you

I have spent the whole entire weekend reading as much as I can, it is overwhelming and a lot to take in and I am trying to wrap my head around it all, hasn't quite sunk in and I still feel like I am in complete denial even though I related to so much that is written here. I have to say thank you to all who responded and your support, it sounds like I am going to need every ounce of it, it touched my heart and gosh made me ball to no end to know that you all are so giving in your feelings and that I am not so very very alone, the very few friends I am still in contact with cannot understand my devastation nor understand, as they are really his friends and see him as doing no wrong, so that definitely made me feel even more alone and isolated. Everything I lived for and everything I gave and strived for and then him ignoring me and dropping me like I was like I was the last person in the world he would ever contact, all while he goes on happily with his life when just a week ago I seemed to be the end all to him, how could I have been so stupid as to ignore so many red flags and consistantly ignored them because I was so sure of how he felt about me, I do feel like I was brainwashed, I was a strong, loved life, carefree (naive) person and I am now no where close to that now. I gave whole heartidly and unconditionally and his last message to me was "u have created an enviroment I can not live with" what???? He created the enviroment? I was following unconditionally with my heart. Gosh- it hurts like f*cking hell. I feel like I was sucked in, conquered and he moved on. It scares me to think I still have a very long road to travel to get my life back, this isn't what I signed up for-I am even more scared about the obstacles I am going to encounter with him along the way after reading everything here, as I am not strong enough yet to deal with it.
May 8 - 6PM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Ollie

This is exactly how i found out WHAT i had been living with for the past seven years! I stumbled across this site. It was a complete shock! I knew something was wrong, just couldn't put my finger on it. It hurts to know we've all been conned but at least we're off of the rollercoaster ride! You will have all kinds of emotions. Shocked, hurt, anger, jealousy, feeling of desperation, regret & then after much reading (& tears), you finally learn to accept that he is nothing but a FAKE, manipulator, conartist, & a full blown fuckin NARCISSIST! Its amazing how these men from all walks of life are so much alike...down to their vocabulary! Good luck & get strong. He's a fuckin idiot & if you ever decide to give him another chance, it will be the another rollercoaster ride but much worse! Take it from a veteran...
May 8 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Been there, felt that

What happened to you I suffered a decade ago. Back in '96, I was in love with a man I thought of as a potential boyfriend, potential husband.... then it all came crashing down 3 years later. I had given my heart wholly, unconditionally, I TRUSTED him. I wanted to see him happy. While he criticized my choice of friends, I didn't dump my friends (but I can see why you were willing to do it)... and they were there when he D&D'd me. I was mortified,crushed, how he publicly humiliated me, reducing me to tears in front of my friends... because I dared to tell him I loved him. He D&D'd me around the time I lost a dear friend to cancer. I had sacrificed, sacrificed... and he had given me nothing. To make matters worse, I found out 3 months later he ALREADY had a fiancee from LA... it was like he was heaping one humiliation atop another. I've been romantically rejected before... but this was devastating. I saw him as a friend... and he said such a view was "lowering him to my level" and "disrespect." It IS devastating. It took me at least 4 years to get over it...
May 8 - 12PM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

ollie

So sorry you're going through this. We've all been there. It's so evil to have fallen in love w/ someone u thought felt the same way. Try to keep your spirits up and visit this site often. Knowledge is power-read a lot about narcissism and vent to others who have experienced the same thing that has helped me through this healing process.
May 8 - 1PM (Reply to #12)
foolmeonce
foolmeonce's picture

ollie

It sucks - I remember the feeling of thinking what the fuck. Not knowing what was happening to me. One of the things that helped me was to remember the times that I thought were so great and in hindsight - they weren't. Even when you thought they were so in love with you they were doing things to fuck with your mind. One time my daughter and I were going on vacation. We got to the airport and found out our flight was overbooked and we weren't getting on. We had a cruise leaving the next day. I called the exN - he was so helpful. He called the different airlines and found a flight out of an airport five hours away. I rented a car and drove the five hours. He told me I booked you on the flight - the last two seats and paid for the tickets. I was so grateful. What would I do without him!!! That night before I went to sleep I felt like I should call the airline and make sure everything was ok. They told me the tickets were never paid for and I wasn't reserved on the flight. I only had one credit card with me and wasn't anticipating paying the extra $1000. I ended up paying for the flight and we went. The point was he lied - for no reason. He could have told me he didn't pay and I would have. Had I not called, our entire trip would have been ruined. Even when I thought he was being a great guy - he wasn't. I'm sure if you go over your past with him you will see all the times he lied to you for no apparent reason. This is so N behavior. They lie all the time - it just flows out of their mouth. Yes it was all a lie. It didn't just happen one day - when I was d&d'd - it happened throughout the entire relationship. N's suck and always will.
May 8 - 5PM (Reply to #13)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Lying throughout the relationship

My ex-N told me that he was writing a book about Wittgenstein and St. Augustine... I bragged about it to my friends. He got angry at them, interrogating them, then getting angry at me... he said he was merely "thinking" about writing the book. And had he NOT been BSing about it, it would've been published back when the class of 2010 were freshmen(!!!!) What was weird with my ex-N was that even when he was lying with his lips, his body language betrayed him. His mind felt no guilt... but his body certainly did(!!!)
May 8 - 11AM
Janet
Janet's picture

It hurts so much at the

It hurts so much at the place you are in. I was there just a few months ago. It still hurts, just not as much, because the reality is sinking in. He did replace me really quickly. We had been together 4 years. I moved across the country to be with him. We lived together, I was like a step mom to his son. You will recover - but ONLY with NC. HUGS. Gain as much information as possible. Peace. J

Peace. J

May 8 - 9AM
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Ollie,You CAN do it! He has

Ollie, You CAN do it! He has messed with your mind. The people here will help you, because everybody has been through it. All the below posters are right. Listen to Barbara and cut him off. Start reading all you can about it and it will start to make sense. I am sorry that you are having to go through this. Please don't think it is you, it's not and don't listen to ANYBODY that tells you it is. :)
May 8 - 9AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

first step

Please go & write "your story." I looked & could not find it. This will be the first step to healing. Put it out there. Second Step. No contact. In fact, change your phone number & e-mail -- everything. Then you can stop looking. Because, I promise you, you have not heard the last of him. Obviously he is with another woman. But, it probably won't last. The he'll be back to get his "supply" from you. Third step, read everything you can about these men. Lundy Bancroft, Why does he do that?; Marie-France Hirigoyen, Stalking the Soul; Robin Stern, The Gasligh Effect; [?], Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism. I have not read "Women who love psychopaths" because I have not been able to get a copy, but many here say it's very good. Fourth step, imagine what will make you happy. Smething you can do & control. (Not being with him, changing him, nothing to do with him.) Go to a yoga class, art class, clean your closet, change you hair color -- something for you. Nothing to do with men, finding another man. Please, find yourself because he has sucked you dry. I have been away exactly one year. I feel so, so much better. I was a total basket case. Leaving my N was the smartest thing I ever did. I know it is harder to be the "dumpee" rather than the "dumper." But, really, he's done you a favor by leaving you. Hang in there! Stay here with us. (deleted)
May 8 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

agnesmurphy17

the link you provided at the end is NOT an approved site here... we have to remove it. please do not post it again. http://www.enpsychopedia.org/index.php/Liane_Leedom http://www.enpsychopedia.org/index.php/Donna_Andersen WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS is available here; http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/women-who-love-psychopaths-book-center ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 8 - 7AM
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

hang in there

Its the cruelest thing someone can do to another person. The only thing I know to say is try to get into therapy. Its the best thing for you. This will be the toughest thing you will ever go thru. You have to be determined to pull your boot straps up and move forward. Try to keep busy right now. To help take your mind off this. Try to reach out to those old friends and get reaquainted with them. up to my ex remarried he was still pulling on me. He would tell me he might not like who I will date, he wasnt happy, and all kinds of things. they are really sick people.
May 8 - 6AM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ollie

I know, it's a terrible realization, we've been there, we understand! The good news is you're in the right place to get many answers to all of those questions whirling around in your head. I was in your place once...what others have said...keep reading, so important that you learn why this happened TO you...you have been victimized and this place is one very good resource for education and validation. None of it was your fault, being 'discarded' has nothing to do with you. We are sought out by these types because of the good qualities we have, there is nothing wrong with you. Hugs, you are most definitely not alone.
May 8 - 5AM
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

You can do it

It is a black place to be in, but there is a comeback and you will become strong. As you recover from what he has done to you, you will come to despise him rather than crave him. Awareness is key and there are so many wonderful articles in the blog section here that will give you plenty of aha moments. Even though rationally we can get it pretty quickly the emotional wounds take time to heal and that is where we need to be patient and gentle with ourselves. It was not your fault Ollie he is a predator, but through learning about these kinds of behaviours now you will be able to recognise the signs of anyone like this who appears in the future. Sadly there are too many of these aholes out there - I had kids with one and though hes been out of my life for 10 years it's torture cleaning up the emotional mess he causes for my poor girls now. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

May 8 - 3AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Oh Ollie , none of this was

Oh Ollie , none of this was your making , he tells you its all you and im sure you listerned to him probably for hours and hours on end right ?In fact im going to stick my neck out and say you have never listerned to any man so carefully than you did this guy . I think what you are feeling a healthy ,normal reaction to someone who is far from normal , i dont think you are losing it although it may feel that way sometimes. You found this site which means your gut was saying something wasnt right and this doesnt feel like a normal break up . Barbara is right when she says read everything here . You are not alone Scoop x
May 8 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
gullablegull (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

IT IS NOT YOU!

Reading your post sounded almost exactly what I was feeling when mine left. Right before the holidays...and they were the bluest ever. Every person on this site has been just where you are. Some are worse off, some are better off..but all of us at one point have felt exactly like you feel now. Mine cut off all my friends and family too, before i knew what was going on? He had to spend every second with me...all part of the seduction...Who you believe he is, is not who he is. What you thought you had, is not what you had. Cry and cleanse your heart, but hang on to every word you read here, and soon, it will all start making sense. We all feel your pain, and all of us here will help you through. Do like Barbara says, and read read read. Cry some, then read some more. It's all very hard to wrap your head around, and the message takes a while to get from your heart to your brain. Be kind to yourself, and know it's not you............
May 8 - 1AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ollie

go to the my blog section start reading you have a lot to read about... and no it's not you. STOP LISTENING TO EVERY & ANY THING HE SAYS Get Lisa's book... educate yourself ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller