littlest bird's story

when i met him, he seemed so into me. i was into him like mad. he seemed so kind, almost to the point of benevolence. he projected an image of a true humanitarian, someone who cared deeply about people and the nature of the world. we had a long distance courtship, while i was away from home doing service work, and he was out of the country studying. we talked on the phone every day for 3 months, until finally he took me by surprise by coming to visit me. it was like a honeymoon. he then proceeded to take a 2 month long bike trip by himself - a trip that he made seem like an almost spiritual quest. it was in both our minds that upon the end of his trip, we would reunite, and it would be wonderful. it was shocking for me to discover that shortly after our reunion, he started to seem disinterested in me, particularly as he witnessed my difficultly adjusting back at home. i thought it was to be expected, as i had fallen into an awful living situation for myself, one that i had not fully anticipated. i was devastated when he began to tell me things like, "you better start kicking some ass at life and doing yourself some favors, otherwise this isn't going to work." i was baffled at his inability to even remotely sympathize with my feelings of being stuck and afraid, and his lack of empathy greatly influenced my emotional well-being from then on. when i would cry, he would tell me how unattractive i was, and why would he want to hug me. he would make fun of me in front of his family, friends, and my friends, and tell me i was wrong to have the feelings i did when i expressed being hurt. he would reduce me to a cute puppy, and that's the way he liked me. i am a slightly melancholy albeit intelligent and artistic person, and this kind of reduction pained me on a deep level: why couldn't we have that simple love from the beginning? what happened? where was the true connection that i thought i had felt? slowly it became a cycle of my feelings being hurt, and him being simply annoyed at me all the time. i felt like nothing around him, like a fly buzzing around his head. i would try to express myself to him and he would tell me i was creeping him out, or he would just ignore me and talk about something completely unrelated (about himself of course). i have been raped in the past, and once we were watching a rape scene in a movie, and i got upset. he yelled, "god, i can't even watch a MOVIE with you." he had lots of friends who were girls, and he loved to go for lunch with them, so they could listen to him. sometimes i wonder if he cheated. he never showed interest in getting to know my family or friends, he took me into his world but only in certain circumstances or around specific "friends". he stopped touching me in ways that were tender... but sometimes he would slap me on the back as if to say "buck up champ". ... he acted so smooth and charming in front of others, and when we were in public, i found myself playing the game. the game felt good in public, but it was hell in private. he used to say he never wanted to be one of those couples that fight in public, or display PDA. it felt like a big show. i felt like a puppet. when i deviated from the show, he seemed from uninterested to angry. i was robbed of my own thoughts, opinions, and feelings. i was emotionally abused. i started to self-harm in front of him when he was being so cold and distant, because i felt so alone. he would watch me hit myself, staring blankly, or he would chuckle after i was exhausted, sneering that "i hope you learned your lesson, i really don't care that it hurts." i ended up in counseling, and after two months, the counselor recommended a book for me on how to cope with narcissists. my friend had thought he was a narcissist (and she even thought sociopath) for a while... but i had been in denial; where was that kind, magnanimous, tender man i had met long ago? he doesn't exist. i am pretty sure he is a cerebral narcissist.