Dana's Story

I left my Ex-husband eight years ago with my then three year old little son after a brutal 9 ½ years of marriage.

Here is a list of some of the things my ex husband has done to me over the years:
He refuses to acknowledge his abusive behavior.
He forced me out of bed many when I was asleep to rage at me in the middle of the night.
He told me I’m not allowed to sleep in a bed.
He told me that I was not allowed to go to school.
He told me that he wasn’t going to pay for my clothing.
He took our savings and bought himself a BMW without asking or even telling me.
He hit me, slapped me, spit on me, choked me, pulled my hair and destroyed my property.
He kicked me in the stomach while I was throwing up while I had a migraine.
He often screamed directly in my face.
He threw a wood puzzle at me while I was holding Jacob and hit Jacob with the wooden puzzle on his shoulder as I was turning to try to shield our son.
He often tried to intimidate me by aggressively pushing the furniture around.
He waved a kitchen knife at me and told me he was going to stab me to death with it.
He told me that he was going to hire someone to slit my throat.
He threatening to kill me if I ever dared to contact your family after I file for divorce.
Once he refused to bring me a glass of water when I was so sick and weak I ended up having to literally crawl to the bathroom and drink some water out of the bathroom sink.
He often told me that I’m a moron (once 12 times in one day. Yes, I actually counted.)
He accused me of sleeping with other men.
He would often freeze me out and refusing to talk to me.
Once when my son was a baby and my ex was out of town, my baby got very sick with a high temperature. When I called my ex and told him how worried I was, he laughing at me.
He often called me a bitch, a loser, a liar and crazy.
He would become enraged at me when ever I wanted to do anything for anyone else (Example: When I baby-sat for our friends.)
He would often tell me that I was incapable of earning a living.
He blocked my car with his car, preventing me from going to school.
He took my car keys so that I couldn’t go to work and I had to cancel my appointments.
He told me that all our friends think I’m crazy.
He refused to clean up after himself or help with any housework.
He often told me how unattractive I am.
The last birthday of mine I spent with my ex, he didn’t get me a card or a gift and he told it was because I didn’t deserve anything.
He told me that I was not allowed to have my dad come visit.
Once when we were visiting San Francisco and staying at a hotel, he threw my close out of the hotel room.
Once at a restaurant he called me trash because I ordered Mac/n/Cheese.
He told me that I forced him to marry me.
When ever I tried to object to his treatment of me, he told me I was just like my mother, that my life is hell. How ungrateful I am.
He once whispering in our son’s ear (but loud enough for me to hear). Come on, lets get away from this bitch. (As it turned out, this calling me names to our son became a regular thing.)
Once, my ex rubbed a lipstick all over my face.
He would often tell me that I was holding him back.
He threatened to divorce me if I didn’t have a baby.
When we were on vacation in Hawaii, my ex held his fist inches from my face when I was nursing our baby.
After tormenting me with belittling and name calling to the point I would start to cry, he would laughed at me.
He told me it was abusive of me to cry or be upset in front of our son.
Once when we were visiting his family in Oregon he threatened to leave me and our son in Oregon while flicking our son’s pj in my face.
He refused to go to therapy. (We did go twice to two different therapists but he refused to continue. The second therapist told me she didn’t think she could do anything for us anyway because she felt that he had a personality disorder.
He sabotaged my attempt to take our son to a therapist recommended by his pediatrician.
He became enraged; when I left the vacuum cleaner out, when I didn’t clean the shower door, when I left a hair dryer out, when I left the door open, when I turned up the radio up.
He trashed the living room and the bedroom more than once.
Once he made me get out of the car and walk with our son because he was crying in the car and bothering him.
He often enjoyed berating me for not going to college and once when I protested and said he had parents who helped him, he put his hands around my throat and choked me.
He threw the phone against the computer and breaking it and a nearby lamp.
He stayed out until very late then slept in while I was up alone with Jacob.
He told me he hated me and that he didn’t care if I lived or died.
When my mom and my grandma died, he said “You don’t look upset”.
He has physically assaulted two other women that I know of.
When our son was five/six and staying with my ex and his new girlfriend, Friday through Monday morning my son was not bathed or given a change of clothes. My son’s teachers told me that they were concerned that my son was coming back to school on Monday in the same clothes he was wearing on Friday.

I never had/had enough money to take care of our son properly. My ex-husband very actively worked to get my support reduced/taken away making it impossible for me to finish school and pay for our son’s care when we split up. Although I made very little money he lobbied the court to make childcare expenses 50/50. I also had/have primary care of our son during the work week making it difficult for me to be able to work the hours I needed to make enough money to support us. We have lived in a one bedroom apartment up until this year.

My ex-husband often has the expectation that our son should be like him. We have had many conversations about our son’s poor school performance. When I try to explain our son’s issues with ADHD it falls on deaf ears. My ex is constantly telling me that no one ever helped him in school and he got good grades. My ex-husband sabotages my attempts to create structure; contradicts my rules for our son. My ex-husband disrespectful behavior toward me; ridicule/yelling at me in front of our son; portrays me as incompetent in front of my son. My ex-husband simultaneously tells me that I nag our son and that I coddle him too much.

My ex-husband often blows up at my son and calls him names and tells him he is loser like his mother.

My ex-husband is emotionally abusive to our son by promising to get him things (example: He promised our son he would pay for him go to sleep-away-camp) but then refuses to give our son a straight answer as to if he is really going to pay for him to go.

My son has now started treating me the same my ex-husband way treated me. My ex-husband is fun parent who has no rules. My ex-husband vies for our son’s loyalty by making his home a fun place with no rules, leaving me responsible for homework/projects and any other parenting issues that he doesn’t want to have to deal with.

My son has learning to despise me from and is emulating my ex-husband in his expressions and his aggression.

I believe my son now sees me as helpless, down trodden and stupid. He has acquire the his fathers view of the me (and other women) as unworthy of respect and I believe he will see women as a legitimate target of abuse.

To date my son has moved out to live with his dad and he refuses to speak to me.

My heart is truly broken.