thomashal's story

Welcome... - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - YOU must go NO CONTACT on him immediately - there is a great post in the My Blog section on WHAT NO CONTACT MEANS - read it and follow it. Change phone & cell numbers if you have to. NO CONTACT!!! Get away from this NOT HUMAN predator!! - PLEASE read the stories of others. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do. Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. You did not choose him! YOU, as all of us, WERE A TARGET!! - PLEASE read through our whole blog: http://allabouthim.com - chock full of articles about Ns and healing in the future, please read the Rules prior to posting, as well - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim - Please remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with. 18 months for starting to deprogram plus one continuous year of therapy is a must! ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

Your internal 'compas' is kicking in. Your intuition is telling you something is 'not right'...and it is not! Here is what I see when reading your story that you may be missing (due to your own denial)...it's possible that this 'long distance' 'BF' of yours is actually in a committed relationship...either maried or has a GF. Unfortunately, there are plenty of men like him, esp. online, who have the morals of a dog (actually perhaps some dogs have better morals)...and will engage a gal in some 'long distance' 'relationship, keep her on a string and toy with her emotions. This is VERY convenient...to have another GF who lives far away and cannot see what he is actually up to and who he is actually with. I once met a fella 'online' (really foolish in hindsight) We wrote to each other, and he called me many times througout the day and we spent hours on the phone at night. He even gave me a phone number and his work number so I could reach him if necessary too. (I was CERTAIN he was single, and he reassured me that he had 'fallen' for me...after nearly a year of back & forth communication and visits) He paid for his plane tickets and sent me the proof and itinerary just before the Christmas Holiday to come see me again...but at the last minute (2 hours before I was expecting him) he called and said he couldn't come. You can imagine after all the excitement and preparation it took as I had been anticipating his special visit, how terribly hurt & dissappointed I was. He had even been talking 'marriage', etc. It had seemed like a very special time. I truly believed that he was, as he had told me, 'divorced for almost 10 years from his ex-wife who had cheated on him'. He told me that if I ever called his house and a woman answered, it was most likely his 'sister-in-law dropping off something for him, but that if a woman answered and ever said she was his wife...to be aware that his ex-wife was always 'out to get him', for years and may answer his phone when she dropped off the children for a visit...and tell me he was married to her to 'break us up'.(yeah right!) Long story short...I was VERY naive and trusting (OMG what an idiot I was !!!)...One of my guy friends kept telling me he thought my 'long distance BF' was actually a player and married, but I didn't want to believe him...so he made a phone call to my 'long distance BF's' house posing as a telemarketer...and asked for the lady of the house...his WIFE answered and gave my friend alot of info...and the rest is history...SHE actually called ME later(and we BOTH cried and were devastated, and we became a support for one another for a time as we got through this hurt...plus we were BOTH angry with him)...and I found out that my 'long distance BF' and his wife were NEVER divorced, they had never even discussed it!...and they had a 'happy marriage'(or so she had always thought) and 4 children together...they lived at their home together that he had built for her. She informed me that when I was talking to him at night,(I could not figure out how he seemed to always have time for me at night if he was actually married) and she had always thought he was in their home office downstairs in the evening to work on the computer and was speaking to business clients and colleagues and would never bother him, as she also trusted him...on the 'weekends' or days I didn't hear from him, or he said he was traveling for business, THEY were actually on a family ski trip or had company over for dinner, etc....and when he would not be easy to reach...sometimes they were actually in bed making love together(which she also said had become more frequent and better) probably because of his 'long distance relationship with me'...as it was fueling alot of his sexual fantasy...she was as unaware of me, as I was of her...and it was VERY painful to find out this truth...and how she & I both had been duped. She dragged his sorry butt to counselling...after that she and I lost touch...but I hoped the best for HER for the kids sake( they had been married over 20 years and had been highschool sweethearts, and I really felt for her) too...She called me again when she also found out that I had not been the only one he was toying with in this manner...he also had been having physical affairs with young womrn he would meet at his gym...and other online dating sites...(she had hired a private detective after finding out about me to see what else he was up to...and I don't blame her!!! I would have too!)I am sure her sense of betrayal and hurt was far more than mine ever could be...as she had YEARS and a whole lifetime invested with this man. Also, my recent N BF (that I have been with for over 3 hyears and have been living with) himself has had online 'long distance' affairs. I caught him after a year of our blissful relationship where I was certain I had finally met the man of my dreams. He was WONDERFUL(see my story if interested)...AND he was also a liar/cheater and pathological during the day, and every chance he got when I was not aware...there was nothing in his behavior that would ever have given away any clue of the things he would do. One day when we were both at work,...on a Valentine's Day...he had not called me in my office as usual, nor emailed me an ecard(very unusual for him as he was always very attentive)...(BTW we are NOT long distance, and were living together by then)...I called him at his office later in the day to see if he read the cute Valentine's I had sent him...several of them, and he had never written back...which was NOT like him at all. He then sent me an email and Valentine that said "Although we are a long distance away from each other, YOU are always in my heart, I love you"...and with another name on it (I called him in tears asking telling him I had recieved a Valentine that he had obviously meant for someone else (as we are NOT long distance and we actually live together...and my name was NOT Linda!!!!),...he was so feaked out that he had sent HER Valentine to ME & MINE to HER!!!!(I broke it off and would not speak to him for weeks, wish in hindsight I had never given him another chance as he has continued to cheat throughout our realtionship)....THAT was just one of the ways that I found out he was carrying on...not only with a long distance 'GF'...but locally too with a co-worker (he was dangling so many 'GF's' that he was beginning to forget who was 'who' and couldn't keep all his lies straight!...My BF the bast*rd lothario had GF's all over the place...as well as ME (thinking we were completely exclusive and all trusting at home with HIM)!!! Sorry to give these examples of what I think may be going on for you..as I know how finding out the truth can be painful...because these guys are such liars and cheaters...you will find that most regular normal fellas dont' cheat or have ahx of dishonsty. It seems that lying and cheating is just one of the clues that you have a pathological/narcissist in your life...as this is something they do as easily as breath. They are always needing/seeking out more 'supply' of admiration/attention/validation...and there is NOTHING you have done or nothing wrong with you to cause this. It is not your fault...it is all about them...so sorry you have been hurt. Glad you found your way here, as you will find much info and support. xo

Don’t try to understand it, it will never make sense. Don’t hold hope, he CAN NOT be cured. Don’t hope he will one day fall in love with you and you will live happily ever after, HE IS UNABLE TO LOVE ANYONE BUT HIMSELF. In the past, you didn’t have problems with his x gf, you had problems with him and the stories he made up with relation to her. At this point, the reason why he is not calling you is not important, the important thing is that HE IS NOT CALLING and this is causing you too much pain. Work on eliminating the PAIN out of your llife! I’m sorry I am being brutally honest but I feel your pain and it reminds me of when I was going through it. It's infuriating that THOSE ILL PERSONALITIES can do this to US!!! Last night I read over the NARCSPEAK section and gotta tell, it was very painful to read. The translation of what the Ns mean or as I like to call my X (“IT“) with their words or even thieir ACTIONS are far from something you or I would ever engage in. I would never lead someone to belief that I loved him just to use him for WHATEVER! When I was with my xN, I liked being in what I thought was a relationship, in what I thought was with a love of a man; charming, very good looking, tended to my every need and a great lover. Who wouldn’t want that kind of man in your life. So I fought for us and held HOPE for over three years!!! Do NOT make my mistake. I know that you are reading this list and your X most likely fits all the above listed descriptions. Based on the numerous stories posted on this site, I am convinced that the that only difference between our stories are those that were created by us. We all handle the breakup differently so that treatment/humilation levels at which they treat us depend on how much crap WE allowed them to put us through and this is one of the factors that may result create the that is was creates the deviation in our STORIES. Start the healing sweetheart; let him go. Cry all day today, read all about these type of “IT“ and YES, it applies to your x. Visualize your life without him in it then, make it happen. Change your number, your job, your address, your email, your hangout locations, etc; he will try and contact you again. He will turn his charm on you again becuase he sees you as his PROPERTY. Do not romantize this relationship, this is NOT healthy and HE is not the ONE to choose to fantise with. Many, Many, Many (((HUGS))) sweetheart! And when you feel lonely, log-on and read about our daily trails on our way to recovery and this will help. Read other posters stories and do offer them comfort, we all NEED it. Keep us posted!

hey girl, I had the same thing happen to me 2 months ago after 9 years with the person, only mine went a step further and cut off his cellphone, moved houses and changed jobs. Never to be seen again. He's lying to you, it hurts beyond compare and they always have valid excuses but I think you know deep down in your gut, somethings off. Let your head kick in and overpower your heart. Somethings off with this person, even if he comes back, he'll do it again whenever it suits him. Drop him right out of your life, don't give him any more chances to devalue and humiliate you, these guys have no conscience, you don't want to end up with someone like that. It is truly traumatic when this happens, like you can't work out what you've done wrong. You've done nothing, this guy is not worth a great person like you. Read all you can here and you'll see some patterns in your guys behavior. You can read my story under Share you story, Tryintoheals story, you will see some similarities in his behavior. I put up with the ex crap too, cheating, and the list goes on, but he would never admit it, ever. I thought this man was the one, my best friend, lover and life partner, boy was I wrong. Go no contact with him, its the only way to heal, I've been no contact for two months now and in the beginning when he humiliated me and threw me in the rubbish I was wounded badly, couldn't eat, sleep, couldn't function and couldn't get any answers. Totally cruelty and an excuse for a human being. he had done this to me many times before, gone quiet, but never cut off or totally abandoned me without word, the final curtain call came eventually. See a therapist, build your esteem and don't give him another chance, you are too good for him. Keep posting here, you will receive loads of advice, its sucks and it hurts but one day you will look back and realise they are soul less predators. Read everything you can and stay away from him, right now you are probably reeling the way I was, trust me even that passes once you get help to stay away from them.