seeingthelight's story

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#1 Apr 15 - 5PM
seeingthelight
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seeingthelight's story

Hi,

am new to this site but have found it after a sinking feeling that has finally made me reach rock bottom but has been building over the last 10 or 11 months. I got together with my ex and after a whirlwind romance where he moved in, lavished me with gifts and amazing gestures that finally culminated in an engagement, my family and friends loved him and I finally felt after years of being with the 'wrong' kind of men I thought I had landed on my feet.

Quickly after our engagement he began to withdraw from me. I suffer from time to time with depression and I noticed that it was beginning to become more prominent. He had more nights out with his friends, would ignore me while he was out and one night didn't even come home. I was aware that he had been dating lots of different women before me after coming out of an 8 year relationship (he ended it 4 months before the wedding to the girl.) These girls were still contacting him and he was still responding at least 4 months in to our relationship. Even a woman at work (we work together) had dated him for a while and appeared to be obsessed with him, constantly messaging and cornering him at work functions. This upset me greatly and all he would say is it was my problem and I should let it go, not that it was inappropriate that he was still entertaining her.

It got worse and he withdrew even more to the point where he moved out but quickly came back stating he did want to be with me after all. A family member of his became ill and I dropped everything for him. However my suspicion started to grow, I became paranoid, started to check his phone and didn't like what I found. To cut about 6 months short I found out he had cheated on me but had lied to me about it for a long time, telling me it was all in my head and that I wasn't affectionate enough and made him unhappy, he was also communicating with the work girl on another mobile phone.

I threw him out but since then (7 months) he has not given me a chance to get over it. Constantly texting, calling, turning up at my house. Making promises and then turning immediately nasty within the next breath, telling me its my fault etc etc. A familiar story I'm sure. He turned up drunk and abusive at my house and has been warned by others to leave me alone and still persists.

It is making it impossible for me to move on, I feel emotionally at a really low ebb and cannot seem to get past the hurt and dare I say missing him, as crazy as that sounds!

I can't believe that somebody I loved could treat me so badly. I am finding it hard to accept but have that over all feeling that clearly things were not right from an early stage but I was blinded. This isn't the first time I have been in this situation with a guy and just feel a bit broken with it. I am obviously attracted to narcissists!

Apr 19 - 1PM
mjsimp
mjsimp's picture

Attracted to narcsissts

mjsimp I can relate to your situation. I'm just glad that this go around with mine has taught me that he won't change. He says he likes how he is just fine. I too am feeling really ashamed and embarrassed of my willingness to beleive him. That's why I got back on this site so I can find the support I need and hopefully be a good support for others. You are not alone! Hang in there!

mjsimp

Apr 19 - 3PM (Reply to #16)
seeingthelight
seeingthelight's picture

rings true

mjsimp - thank you for your post. Its good to know there are other out there feeling the same. Funny that's what my ex said too, said that he was just fine and that he didn't need to work on himself at all, damn must be hard to be so perfect eh?! Hope you are doing ok and keeping positive. I am finding it helpful writing all this down knowing that people understand completely.
Apr 15 - 8PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Welcome seeingthelight

Welcome... - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - YOU must go NO CONTACT on him immediately - there is a great post in the My Blog section on WHAT NO CONTACT MEANS - read it and follow it. Change phone & cell numbers if you have to. NO CONTACT!!! - PLEASE read the stories of others. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do. Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. You did not choose him! YOU, as all of us, WERE A TARGET!! - PLEASE read through our whole blog: http://allabouthim.com - chock full of articles about Ns and healing in the future, please read the Rules prior to posting, as well - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim - Please remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with. 18 months for starting to deprogram plus one continuous year of therapy is a must! ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Apr 15 - 9PM
Introspection
Introspection's picture

I am obviously attracted to narcissists...

Aren't we all sweetheart! Many, many similar stories on this forum to include my story. We all handle our break-up a bit different but if you read over Azucar's story, she has a rule that I should have activated immediately following my break-up...NO CONTACT. I think that her quick recovery is due to this very important component. Many of us DENY that they are broken and insist on holding HOPE that they will change. Based on many of the articles posted throughout this site, THERE IS NO CURE for them. I'm glad you found this forum becuase I truly belief that it will help you immensely through this extremely painful period. It is important that you remember that it WAS NOT YOU and should not feel unwanted, dumb or unatractive. One more thing, please STOP all Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) such as "I miss him" or "I an not happy without him" or the like. Many (((HUGS))) to you sweetheart and keep us posted.
Apr 16 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
seeingthelight
seeingthelight's picture

no contact begins.....hopefully

Barbara, thank you for your welcome and Introspection thank you for your kind words, how true that you think they might change or see sense and realise what they lost, you have to stop that misconception I guess. I am slowly making my way through the message board and other people's stories. Azucar sounds amazingly strong and I agree the NC rule is the best way. Today has been emotional. I have an upsetting family situation at the moment which my ex N is well aware of. I decided this morning that today was going to be a good day and I was going to make progress and of course you can always guarantee that when you make that decision they will get in touch. Sure enough he did, witheld his number on the phone so I answered! He said that he didn't want to end things with a bad atmosphere! Despite the fact that I'd clearly ignored him in his recent communications anyway! I told him I would have to speak with him later as I was busy. Anyway, I spoke with him later, I told him that enough was enough and he had to let me get on with my life. He basically turned it around on me (of course he did!) saying that he was willing to change things about him, that he had been promising to change for about a year BUT that I NEEDED to change lots of things about ME too!!!!!! I kept my cool and told him that quite frankly I just didn't see it working out and that he has recently openly admitted that he was a flirt and I didn't want that for a boyfriend and he should let me get on with my life. He even forgot a lie he had told me 4 days ago about another girl he's in touch with and tried to cover it up by saying that I didn't need to know about his private life and that he must have been confused with what he told me originally. I must admit it did make me laugh! After telling me that even with my depression I was enough for him and was all he wanted he didn't feel the need to tell me certain things about his life! He also told me tonight that he is apparently seeking counselling for some stuff and has been since last year but didn't tell me about it! Again, another lie! I have had lots of counselling over the years and am currently seeing a therapist who I have discussed these issues with, so why wouldn't you share that with the person you're supposed to love who would understand more than anyone! Its all just a load of rubbish and I see that now. He even turned on the tears which was a new one for him. I began to think how weak he actually is and the reason he has to seek so much attention from different women is because of the VOID in him! I don't think I have that, yes I have my down days, yes I get anxious but my god I don't need to have as many men around me as possible to make myself feel better!! I have amazing family and friends who are always there to support me. Its been amazing reading through everybodies stories on here and I can see and feel similarities with so many of them. So good to know you're not on your own and to know that there are people out there who know EXACTLY what you're going through. As I type this after having told him not to contact me, PING, there goes my phone....... a long message about what an amazing beautiful woman I am and that it is all his fault and that he will not contact me again but that if I ever needed him he would be there. Safe to say I will not be replying and am considering changing my phone number now. The more the days go by the more I see the narcissist in him, the interest in his appearance, the materialistic side, the fact he never wanted any of my friends or family to know that he cheated so I would not be able to have their support and be reliant on him, the times he has turned up on my door step almost relishing the fact I am so low I can't get out of bed. The picture is building day by day. I guess I am keeping in my mind that my goal is happiness, peace in my life and that with him in it I will not find that. Warm wishes to everybody, onwards and upwards....... Let's hope the NC truly starts now.......
Apr 16 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

seeingthelight

Change your phone number - IMMEDIATELY ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Apr 16 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
seeingthelight
seeingthelight's picture

Sound advice

Thanks Barbara, you couldn't be more on the money, as I'm sure you would expect I have had a barrage of texts tonight about how much he loves me, wants to have a family with me etc. Think it has to be my next step. Why won't they let us get on with our lives, how selfish!
Apr 16 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

they're extremists

they either try to 'love bomb' you and do hoover manuevers or they cut you off totally while lying about you (crazy, obsessed, bunny boiler, jealous) and making SURE you never contact anyone in their circle either way if there's any bit of negative or positive attention in it for them - they continue on forever ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Apr 18 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
seeingthelight
seeingthelight's picture

lapse in concentration.....

I wasn't able to change my phone number just yet because of major family commitments and another pressing deadline, also my Mum is away at the moment so it might have to wait until she gets back so I can tell her as she may try and contact me......... The contact from N has continued, I ignored it, til he rang and rang and rang, I felt so angry I answered and barked asking what he wanted, the texts have carried on and in all honesty the last week of my life has felt like a complete blur to me! Is this normal?! He said that despite the fact that he had been told by others to leave me alone, I HAD NEVER TOLD HIM, this of course isn't true at all, I have told him but he uses his distraction technique or shouts and hollers and puts the phone down before the whole cycle starts again. This weekend has seen him telling me that everything was his fault, he cheated and that's why we're not together and that I didn't need or deserve the stress and that he would leave me in peace to half an hour later telling me how much he misses me and then the nastiness comes out again. I truly felt at my wits end, like my head was going to explode with the pressure. I feel like I have been isolated in a bubble for a while, I haven't been to work this week because of feeling stressed, I haven't achieved the things I needed to because of this situation. Again, any contact I had yesterday I ignored and then today another message, he wanted to see me and talk again. I responded with 'seriously what else is there to talk about!' He said it was very important but would not be any grief, yeah right! Anyway, we have spoken this evening. He looked in the mirror at least 15 - 20 times while he was there, hardly made eye contact, I caught him out on another lie about another girl!!! I didn't lose my temper, I didn't go crazy, I kept my cool and didn't react, I watched him very closely and watched how he tried to twist and turn the conversation. I was looking at him and thinking that I wasn't sure I was attracted to him anymore (A good sign I thought!) He tried to throw things in my face that I'd slept with another man I dated when we weren't even together, WTF!!!!!! And then openly admitted that he was flirting with other people. I don't know if this makes sense to anybody but he really wasn't that clever with his words and made it quite clear to me that there are obviously a few other 'victims' out there that he is manipulating, he wasn't necessarily blatant about it, just something about the way he worded things and how he was talking. I guess I would describe as that feeling I'm sure we've all felt where something just isn't right and you can start to see through the lies......?! I just felt over all that it didn't matter what he said to me I wouldn't believe it anymore anyway, once upon a time I would have done but not now. Now it just makes me feel sad. He told me I am so cold and difficult to talk to but that he had never felt this way about anybody and thought that he didn't want to have any regrets about not trying hard enough to get me back. He said he wanted to wipe the slate clean and start again and not be reminded of his past and that we could make it work. What a head f**k!!! I just feel sad, like I've got no emotional reserves left. Oh yeah and forgot to mention he tried to kiss me twice! My head is in a right mess. I think I just need reminding of some things.
Apr 18 - 7PM (Reply to #13)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Sweetheart, listen to Barbara and change your number...

You are far from over him. I know that it feels like you are in control of the situation but you are not. Review your postings and note that he is and continues to play you. You should not insist on HOPING that one day he will change or that he loves you...he will not change and he does not love you. In fact, he doesn't even respect you. A person who loves and respects us would give us our space because they understand that they are hurting us. He cheated on you! Could you ever trust him again? If cheating was the worst thing he had done to you at one point you could overcome the trauma but no, he has gone out of his way to PLAY with your mind. He is playing you! You have to find a way to recover your pride, he should not have this kind of control over you. From one abused person to another, DO NOT LET THAT JERK CONTROL YOU! You are too vulnerable, change your number, your job, your address...get away from this F**K of a man. He does not love you, never has and never will. He does not have the ability to love anyone!!! He does not care for you, he cares only about himself as evident by his insistent texts and calls. He is slowly molding you and if you continue to talk to him, he WILL be successful in convincing you to go back to him. I know that you are shaking your head as you read this but I'm reading your posts and can tell you still love him and hold hope. Many (((HUGS))) sweetheart and hope you stay strong!!!
Apr 18 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

harassment

take out a No Contact order ASAP ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Apr 19 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
seeingthelight
seeingthelight's picture

you are far from over him.....

I think you're absolutely right, I am far from over him and I do need to change my number, in fact I'm going out this afternoon to that very thing! Am having real trouble sleeping right now, was awake til the early hours this morning, not so much thinking it over consciously but I just felt like a bag of nerves unable to unwind. I must admit I burst into tears reading it all through and your replies. Having felt so numb it felt good to let some emotion out. I have struggled to do this at times as I've felt the emotion has been sucked out of me! A very good friend of mine commented to me that she thought it strange that I didn't seem to be freaked out by some of his behaviour towards me, it was as if I found it all normal when she said it was just psychopathic!!! I think that's because in some respects I can't really believe its happening to me, maybe I haven't really accepted the situation properly. I guess you're right Introspection, I am still waiting for a change to come, some good to be there because I do want to see good in people. But I do need to keep re-inforcing that this won't happen and reminding myself of it everyday. In fact that's what it is, its not being able to accept that its all happened. Why do I have that disbelief? Is it because of the manipulation??
Apr 19 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
woundedsoul36
woundedsoul36's picture

its everything that they

its everything that they do...their denials, crazy making tactics, the gaslighting, the withdrawals, the manipulation, the projecting and the cognitive disonanace I think all of us are in a state of shock when we realize that the man we fell in love with, the man we shared all of thoughts, emotions, dreams..our soulmate..is not mentally well..a fraud. You realize that the dream you had of him is dead and when dealing with an end of something ie; death, we all go through stages Denial grief bargaining acceptance...etc. its very very very hard, but you are in the best place for healing to begin. I think you should just read everything you can about Narcissism/Psychopaths. It's reinforcement and helps you get through the grief into the acceptance phase. Everyone heals differently, but having no contact at all will help your mind get back to normal and see everything for what it really is
Apr 19 - 4PM (Reply to #12)
seeingthelight
seeingthelight's picture

Hey wounded soul, thank you

Hey wounded soul, thank you for that. How very true, I think I'm somewhere between denial and grief phase if that's possible. Reality is starting to set in now slowly. Strange but all my friends have said how well I've held it together and now I feel like its all coming on top. I know I have to go through the greiving process. Thank you for your helpful comments......
Apr 19 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

here's why seeingthelight

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/20/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts and get into therapy ASAP ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Apr 20 - 5PM (Reply to #10)
seeingthelight
seeingthelight's picture

A good step

Right! I've done it, I've changed my phone number! I had a load more messages last night, him 'confessing' to the fact that he's actually been on 'many dates' (his words) since we've been apart and that he thought he should be honest with me, unbelievable! About a year too late! I replied and said I thought he was sick, he disgusts me and that I never wanted to hear from him again. He then tried to ring (i ignored it!) I sent a message saying that if he contacts me one more time I would file a report against him and sure as eggs is eggs, 2 more missed calls and a text saying that none of them compared to me and that if I didn't respond he would 'try to leave' me alone. I felt sick, couldn't cry because I felt so numb, this guy balled me out because I'd been on a date with someone 6 months after we split and the while time he's been doing that anyway despite professing the opposite!!!!!! I decided that enough was enough, this morning I changed my phone number and realised that I've wasted too many tears, too many moments of anxiety, too much hurt! It was time to stop him contacting me. So phone number changed, emails spammed and that's it! If he gets hold of my number now he's gone to extreme lengths and I will tell the police. My anxiety at the moment is that work has kind of taken control and certain people have done things behind my back in speaking to him and warning him when I'd made it quite clear that it had to be on my terms. I guess I feel the need to maintain some kind of control over this situation. I should point out that I work in a very male dominated environment which I know is not good for me emotionally and am making changes to get out of it, but I felt angry that people were taking control of it for me (but maybe I need that, I'm not sure?!) He has apparently been spoken to again last week, without my knowledge. Anyway, had a very busy day today and NC! Been distracted with work which is good and yes I've felt sad which I know is to be expected but its the only way. He makes me feel sick, I do not ever want to see him again and unfortunately I may have to at work but then I can put up a front there and deal with it later. This is the only way I can begin to heal, I know its going to take some time but my motivation is back to begin this process. I am going to focus on myself, what I am feeling and surrounding myself with good people. Barbara - just read all of your story - unbelievable, you are amazing and take so much time and effort to support all of us on here. Thank you so much. Trying to look forward now.........