My fellow soul(less) mates, I implore you to help me with this one.......yet, another one.
I was doing so much better, though I still have more bad days than good.
Now, he wants to come and get more of his personal things.
He will be here tomorrow, and just knowing this, rattles me to quiver inside and out.
Once again, I will have to see his rugged good looks.
The cleft chin, and massive salt and pepper hair.
The jeans and work boots I find so masculine...
See his strong arms that I know hold someone else....
I know it will stir in me the pretend love I once held on to so tightly...even though now I know.
I'm under crunch time for working on discovery and interrogatories, that I have hardly any mind left to deal with adequately.
The little girl in me so badly wants this all to be a nightmare that I awaken from...though the woman and the mother in me knows the betrayal and the insanity.
There is so much juxtaposition to all of this.
How can someone that showed, in so many ways, that he wanted to protect you, really be the one that was inflicting you and children the most harm?
How can someone, that showed in so many ways, that he loved you and enjoyed you for just who you are, be the one that despises all that you are, and wants to destroy you, all that you care for, all those you love, and enjoy that?
How can someone you thought you would be with forever, wish that you would take your own life and never have a forever, and consider that a great accomplishment?
How can someone that exhibits so much generousity and thoughtfulness, do so in a perfected manner of only covering his own wickedness?
How can someone so light, be full of such much darkness?
So good, be so bad? So right, be so wrong?
So honest, yet such a liar? So honorable, yet a thief of your heart and your life, and innocent children? No, I'm not having magical thinking. I know who he is now. I know what he is now. It's very difficult, if not impossible to get that message to your brain from your heart. For normal loving, caring people to have to absorb this, is almost as cruel and evil as the very narco/psycho himself.
I have seen so much sorrow in my life. Violence, abuse, in every way shape and form. Nothing in life ever prepared me for this, for this type of person, or form of human species. My soul is clinging by a thread, hoping to hold onto the good of life, the good in people, the essence of life and the good of nature. Were it not for my wonderful children, I fear I would surrender. Too much pain, all to lead me back to where I first began. As confused and weak as that little girl that ran from her daddy's guns. When will it end, and am I ever meant to find peace on earth? Is it truly just a fairy tale? I know that I am blessed by God, for if not, I would not still have the willpower and any sanity whatsoever. I do though, and it is because of my determination to make my boys have a better life than I have. My perserverance to make them into good people, good men, and that is a dying breed. God help us all.......for evil is a powerful force to overcome, and I thank him that I have none in my heart. Not even for the pathetic excuse for a man that will be here tomorrow. I do not intend to let him inside......I do not intend to speak to him at all, if it can be helped...though I will have to face that soon in court whether I care to or not. But tomorrow, I will be the monkey, "hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil"....I hope. Wish they would all go away......wish they would all just move to some somadic nudist colony in Somalia and live selfishly everafter......