HI Everyone,

I’ve been a member for a few weeks but never could get my story down. I know it’s going to upset me but I also know it’ll help in the long run. I also wanted to say that I’m so glad to have found this site. The ladies and gentlemen here are incredible. You all have my admiration and support.
I’ve been married twice. I got married young and had kids right away. We were married for about eight yrs with three kids. I can’t say for sure if he was an N or not. When he got a promotion he started treating me more like I worked for him. I think we went different ways. We were always able to work together for the sake of the kids, so probably not an N. We get along fine now when we’re both at something for the kids.

Since I got married so fast the first time I thought I’d really have to know someone a long time before I did it again. I met the 2nd H while hanging out after hours with some friends. He seemed nice gave me his coat when I got cold and even let me wear it home. I thought he was a gentleman. (Boy was I wrong!) He treated my kids well and seemed to have endless patience with them. He was supportive when I was having trouble with my ex and eventually I started working for him. (Big mistake!!) I supported myself and had everything I needed at the time. I was in line for a job and so I was basically dating for fun. It was a govt. job but didn’t work out because I would have to move and the EX would try to gain the kids if I did. So after I turned it down we became serious and got engaged and then married. This took place over the span of 2+yrs. I thought I was safe because I had known him so much longer than my first H.

We decided to move in together to save money for the wedding. We rented a house together and started planning the wedding. I’m not sure how soon it was after we moved in together but the shit hit the fan pretty soon after that. I also found out I was pregnant only a month before the wedding. I should have known something was wrong when I was afraid to tell him. I thought he might leave.
Then the mask started slipping. He’d rant at me when I needed to get decisions for the wedding etc. Then say it was just his stress. Uh let’s see, I have 3 kids 3/4 of the time, I’m pregnant, working 4 bartending shifts a week, planning a wedding, oh, and going to school full time….and he was the one cracking! (Sound familiar?)

We got married, bought a house, had the baby I eventually finished my degree. There’s an endless line of crap he did. He managed bars and opened new ones for the company. Sometimes I’d barely see him awake for days. He’d come home as I was getting up and go to sleep, then hours later after I was up and working he’d come out and want me to go have sex with him. I started to realize that sex was an issue and it became disgusting for me. We did the counseling thing but he’d never follow through on what he was supposed to do. It became easier that he wasn’t home much of the time. I found out later there a ton of stuff going on that I knew nothing about and the little I did start to suspect was way worse than I could’ve imagined.

After about 7 yrs I decided to move on. There are endless crazy things he's done in the marriage and out out of it. My kids were getting older and weren’t going to take his crap much longer. That was the breaking point when he started the crazy stuff with them and they said they had to walk on egg shells around him because they didn’t know what would set him off.

When I asked him why he didn’t want to be a father to his own daughter and be with the family his reply was because it’s not “fun.” I gave him one last chance and he blew it. I went with my eldest daughter to get her tattoo when she turned 18. Turned out while I was gone he read my journals and figured out what I was thinking. He tried to tell me he had an “epiphany” and really understood why I felt the way I did and he realized his mistake yada yada yada. That was the same day the counselor told him he had a sex problem and from then on no sex unless I initiated it….think that scared him to death. All his power would be gone.

It wasn’t until I actually read Patricia Evans book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” that I had a clue as to what was really going on. It had been sooo hard to put my finger on it.

I’d already made up my mind and I’m sure he could tell so he made on last ditch effort to keep us. He threw himself on his sword and “confessed everything” He told me had read my journals, that he had been embezzling from his company, that he had several affairs and probably more but I was in shock at that point. The first thought that went through my head was that I wasn’t crazy and I almost laughed from relief, and that there really was a lot of stuff going on, I hadn’t imagined it.

Later he threatened suicide. Then blamed me for not taking his rifles out of the house. Just a bunch of BS to get attention. He also claimed he'd been molested as a kid so he knew exactly how out daughter felt. He actually said that to her! Couldn't stand not having the attention on him. He does charity work but only so he can tell people about it. If he couldn't tell anyone I bet he wouldn't do it.

There were these two women, both of whom worked for him at one point or another that I always got uncomfortable around, they both had boyfriends and did stuff together socially so I thought it was my insecurity; turns out he had affairs with both of them. Also turns out that one of them worked with/for him back in TX and their affair had broken her marriage and she lost her kids. When I confronted him about not telling me they had worked together before, he said he “didn’t think it was important” Listen to those red flags everyone!!

He fought me tooth and nail for our daughter, but had barely been around her. He kept bringing up stuff and challenging the courts, and of course lying until he managed to get 50/50 with her. It took 2 and half yrs to get divorced. Took all my money and forced me into bankruptcy. We had worked out a lot on our own but as soon as he didn’t get everything he wanted he got a lawyer and served me papers. The sicko served me papers on Mother’s Day and actually had a Mother’s Day Card served with the papers!! His gift to me was a divorce. He raged, threatened, made comments like “I don’t know what would happen if I got really mad.”

I got out but I knew I still had to deal with the idiot because of our daughter. My other kids hated him. He actually told the boys, then about 15 & 17 that he cheated on me, I told him not to but he did it while I was out of town. Never underestimate the connection of a son to his mother. To this day they would go get him if I asked. There’s actually a whole list of people that would!! He cheated on me when I was taking care of my father who was dying of cancer, and then told me it was my fault because I wasn’t there. He brought the kids out to visit when I was with my dad and family and then told me he regarded the visit as a vacation for him!! Right after my dad died in ‘97 was when things really got worse. My dad was with the CIA. So with him gone it was a lot easier for N to do what he wanted.

Now that my daughter is growing up she started getting the same BS. She has a story longer than mine!! She was molested by neighbors; actually one was a friend of his!! She very successfully completed therapy but then had to deal with her dad!! And then the step-mom. I know Barbara says two N’s can’t be together but I think as long as they’re getting what they need: him money and her, the picture perfect family!! I don’t think it’ll last and hopefully they destroy each other!!

Two years ago my Daughter ran away and has been with me ever since. She almost 16 and he won’t let her get her driver’s permit or a passport. Back when I actually had money we’d go to vacation in Mexico. Now we can’t because you need a passport. He’ll do anything to control her and get to me.

He can’t stand it that I kicked him out. He wouldn’t pay any more, I fight for everything for her, I’m in danger of losing my house, etc but I can’t give up. She’s awesome and it is possible to raise great kids despite the N. He pays less than $60 in support and the latest fight has been to change the parenting time and support. He told the court my daughter was damaged, incompetent, and illiterate and of course it’s all my fault!! I’ve been dealing with the whole parent alienation thing etc. He got a court appointed Psych Eval for her. This guy was a godsend!! I’m expecting the report any day. But the Dr. told both her and me that he was being extra careful to do everything correctly so the report couldn’t be thrown out. He also told her there absolutely nothing wrong with her. He told me she’s a great kid and I agree completely.

After learning a lot on this site I’m pretty sure I have some form of Complex PTSD. I’m pretty sure my daughter does too. As I finish typing this I’m flushed, my skin is red and blotchy, my hands are shaking and I feel like crying! (Despite the glass of wine I’ve been sipping on.) But at least she’s out of there and we may just have to wait out the next 2 yrs. She says she won’t and will leave again if the courts try to make her do stuff with him. Right now she sees him only few hours week and barely talks to him when she does.

It’s day to day even now. But I’m glad to have found this site and to be able to put a name on it. Oddly enough it was a former boyfriend that kept using the name Narcissist so I started researching it. Of course it turns out Former BF is an N too but I managed to get out of that before it was too late. That’s a whole other story.

I have no desire to be in a relationship now and don’t know if I ever will. Way too much healing to do and until he’s out of the story I don’t really get the chance. I’ve learned to appreciate the quiet periods. My sister is a great help and support as is the rest of my family including the kids. Thanks to Lisa and Barbara for this site and keep up the good work. Thanks for letting me share my story.

Sanctuary