Hi, "Digging in His Heels." My story is somewhat similar to your post. I was also married to a NPD male for 25 years (didn't know what the disorder was until fairly recently - I just knew something was very wrong). I wanted to leave for at least half at that time, but was emotionally blackmailed into staying. He stonewalled every step of the divorce process, refused to file financial disclosure, etc. It took way longer than it should have and way more money. He was supposed to pay me back for some of the attorney fees and, big surprise, hasn't. He laid BIG guilt trips on me.I filed in early April last year (just about one year ago today) and it took until January 28 because of HIM. I got very little out of it except escaped. I contemplated suicide, still sometimes do, but my dogs and cats have helped provide comfort. Took antidepressants for years. I am lonely, sad, and very damaged,and I can relate to your pain. I come to this site often to remind myself why I now live alone (I'm in my fifties now) and barely have a pot to P#$% in at my age, and am trying to reclaim my life. Wasn't sure who I even was anymore, still am not. BTW, I had a lawyer but my ex guilted me into dropping the lawyer toward the end. I recommend NOT doing that. I will have to go back to court to EVER get the money he was supposed to pay me. My lawyer actually asked how I could have put up that "that narcissistic, passive-aggressive ass for all those years!" He was really, really annoyed by his lack of compliance. It was HELL going through it, and I still sometimes wonder if the pain of staying was easier than the pain seeing it through. My friends all prop me up and say YES IT'S WORTH IT, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL EVENTUALLY BE OK. Lean on your friends. I'm in support workshops at a local church that have helped, also. It's hard to find people to talk to about this because they don't understand the disorder and how damaged we VICTIMS are when we're all used up. Those of us on this website do understand and must help each other survive and move on. I wish you strength and courage, whoever you might be.