overhterainbow's story

I left my N ex four months ago and I spent two happy months without him grateful that I left. About two months ago, something happened an triggered the trauma that I went through with him -ie, I found out he is dating again. I don't know why it bothers me, or why I cannot control the behavior I have exhibited since, but while I don't want him back in clear thinking times, I can't stop thinking about him.

I met him online in a social site, not a dating one, but he came on me pretty strong. He was dating someone else, but she lived 14 hours away and he told me she had been too focused on her work and it wasn't working with them, because of the distance; they had just grown apart and had not acknowledged it. I could see some issues from the very beginning: he was talking with too much confidence about himself and his ability to attract women (although not so much confidence about him as a person if that makes sense), about his ex girlfriends and how much he had hurt them -and the one who hurt him supposedly -he could go on for hours about the 'standards' a woman needed to meet to show she could 'take care of' him... and at the same time, in his late twenties, he was a college dropout, he was in a part-time dead-end job after changing jobs so many times, and he was really not meeting any of 'my' standards, but he never really inquired into that -his only questions towards me were on the nature of 'how do you do your hair?' or 'do you mind if I have some extra weight'. What's worse was that while that behavior was turning me off big time and I was wondering 'what's wrong?' at the same time, he was showering me with attention, offering me small symbolic online gifts, telling me that I met all the standards etc. Within a couple of weeks, I was starting to warm up to him, because I spent all my time with him -and he knew how to show me a good time in that setting. His supposed confidence in his ability to attract women while at the same time feeling so non-confident over other stuff made me feel like taking care of him -and maybe he'd overcome it. And I was flattered in the end, that with such high standards to notice a woman, he noticed me.

We agreed to meet in person and he came over. When we met, I felt that he was really different in face-to-face interaction. I could not even recognize his voice. He was right on it again: 'would you like me to kiss you?... I felt not, and I took some time to explain to him later that if he wanted something from me, he should give me time to get used to his physical presence. He replied 'I am in love with my girlfriend and all you did was show me that I need attention, so I don't really want anything from you... unless you wanted to do whatever, but just for sex' -obviously NOT. We agreed to take a break, but when he went back, he kept chatting with me online and on voice like nothing had happened, called me on the first night on his trip back and kept calling every day, calling me baby etc. His behavior had changed though. He was becoming rude, closing off. Whenever I asked him what was wrong, he said I was crazy... until one day, a month later, he said he didn't like me in person, thought I was very unattractive and that's why he was acting that way. He said he was mad, because I had lied about my looks (which was untrue, he had seen many very recent pictures of me). I had no idea how to defend myself to that... and which of the two accusations? being unattractive? being a liar? He was talking to other women at the same time... and me, I was devastated, because I really enjoyed having him around -and he would not stick around without something more than friends. Later, he changed his motto from being a liar to just being insulting to him because by 'looking unattractive', I just disrespected him and his standards. Still not defending myself, rather complying to what he was saying. And then he'd have these days where he'd be like 'I just was mad at you, but you are attractive and I am still in love with you'.

At the same time, he started asking for money... started off with delivery food first, and went to more expensive gifts later... electronics, appliances, gadgets, car but also his bills etc. He would never ask, he'd just say 'I need this' and if I ignored his request, or told him I don't want to buy it, he'd be really nice and say 'okay, I understand, I just can't talk to you right now, so we'll catch up whenever'-and then I'd go and beg him to take that money or gift. While in the meantime, he made a point to go on the same emotional battering, which besides my body expanded in what he called a disturbed, manipulative, opportunistic personality... projection theories would have a party here, I know, but... I could not feel it... and I would apologize to him for being all these names he'd call me.

Two years of that passed. I had become this person who was always sad, very insecure, despite everything else going for me, waking up every morning with my first though on him, whether his mood would be okay that day... he made me afraid to call people, even my friends, on the phone, because if I called him and he didn't want to talk, he would close me off for days. I sounded like the crazy person.

Then, suddenly, out of nowhere and without me really doing anything except agreeing with him for once that 'yes, we probably can't work' instead of begging him, he said he wanted to change his behavior towards me, that he wanted us to work out and he was willing to put in the effort. and, despite some slips, he seemed like he was trying very hard and was making it most of the times -stopped even asking for money, except on a couple of $ on very extreme cases. Still, he had not really offered an apology over the past... and the slips always had to do with discussion about the past, in which he would bring in his old, outrageous, arguments... and while before I had been complacent, at that point, I could not really handle it and was getting angry. Very angry. He'd never see it, because he would hang up (and that was what was making me angry), but a friend saw me in a situation like that at some point and suggested that I go to therapy...

There I found out the pretty obvious to everybody else, that when a person had been abused like I had, just saying 'now I am going to treat you okay' without addressing and acknowledging the whole range of abusive behavior would not work. I realized that he had only admitted to the tiniest bit of what he had done and that he was still disputing the worse and larger part of it as his right. Also: that him acknowledging me as his girlfriend was something most relationship take for granted.. yet, he, had made me think that I'd be happy with just that.

In time, I got ready to leave him with much training and help from my therapist... The first time, I lasted one month and came back begging on my own, but he picked off where he had left (even a little better than before). The second time I left, he started begging me, telling me how he is working on all the other issues etc, and I went back again. At that point, he was really nice for a good five months. He was mostly patient, understanding, was more interested in talking about me, my life, everyday small stuff, and with much more genuine seeming interest than before. Yet, I still decided to leave him.. traumatic memories of the whole thing were coming up and I was not able to deal with them and he was not really willing to help -would just tell me 'it's in the past, I've been trying' and let go off it. So, I left him for the last time... I told him to not contact me and I kept that rule for a month, I wasn't picking up the phone, no matter how many times he called... I wasn't answering any messages... I stayed strong. When he did talk to me, he became apologetic, acknowledged everything he had done, took responsibility even for my own turned-obsessive behavior when it came to him, my jealousy, suspiciousness, etc. I remained firm it wouldn't work.

Two weeks after our last 'pleading' conversation, I find out, he is with someone else. I panicked, not sure why. I reached out to him, called him, he said he still was thinking of me, wished things had worked out... I found myself telling him I wanted him back, while I didn't, only for him to reject me, because he liked the new girl... and since then, I can't stop thinking about it, I know I dont want him back and I did the right thing leaving him... I just don't know why I am acting this way with the idea he is with someone else. A part of me feels sorry for the other woman who has no idea... and another part is jealous of her. Do I make any sense?