I have come to the realization that my marriage had to be over after only 15 months as I could not take the verbal and emotional abuse anymore. I certainly did not want to be a failure with this being my first marriage (his third), but I understood after many counseling sessions (continuing now) that it was not me at fault, it was only about him.

Prior to meeting my husband, I was a strong, independent woman who could take on just about anything within my life. I gave up a good job and moved from a big city to a mid-size rural town four months before our marriage. I should have noticed his behavior then, but I was too busy planning the wedding of my dreams. When we got married, I began to notice how he would talk to me very curt and his words were so hurtful. I was called names; told that his ex-wife looked better than me; that I was not attractive and fat. My self-esteem was gone and I became a nervous wreck around him. There was no intimacy, no bonding that you would expect newlyweds to have. I sought counseling two months into our marriage and my doctor put me on an anti-depressant, first time ever in my life. Over the next few months, everything seemed to be okay as we began looking for our home. We closed on a home in July 2009 and began to plan for our future. My husband told me that since I made more money, I would need to pay the mortgage (although the mortgage is in his name only) and decorate/furnish the home. At first I did not mind this, but it became apparent over time that because I did not give him half of the downpayment for the house, this was my punishment. He would start fights and ask me for the downpayment after I had been paying the mortgage. I realized then that he saw 'US" as a business unit and not as husband and wife. In October 2009, he received a dirty text message from a woman and when I inquired, he would not talk to me. I hired a PI and found out that he had joined several websites and one in particular that he and this woman exchanged communication on. All sexual content. When confronted, he begged that I forgive him and that he would go with me to counseling. Of course, I stayed only to find out a month later that he had been on pornography websites and had phone sex. Now, I realized where his needs were being met. The verbal abuse became even more and day after day, I cried and wept why I was going through this. Did he not love me the way a husband should love his wife? Each time that we separated (October 2009, December 2009), he would find a way to lie his self back into my life. Like a fool, I allowed him to come back and the abuse got worse. No emotional bonding, no intimacy, no respect towards me. He told our counselor that I do not acknowledge him or show him I appreciate him. I thought during that session, how can I do that when you are calling me a "B" and telling me that you do not want me anymore and that I do not deserve to wear your name. How dare he look for me to show appreciation, I thought?

He came back to the house in February 2010 and he portrayed/acted like a good husband for a few weeks. Then in early March, he became himself again. I refused to accept it this time and snapped. I made him listen to me as to how he has made my life hell and that trust was gone out of this marriage. He could not take the truth and began blaming me. That's when I knew I had enough. I saw my attorney on a Friday and had the complaint for divorce filed. He never thought I had an attorney and certainly did not expect to be served with papers on Monday morning. You see, over the weekend, I was very quiet and very complacent. He hated it and began calling his family and our friends that he was afraid of me because I was quiet. I knew through my counselor that he enjoyed drama and the fighting and I was going to turn the other cheek because I wanted out. He thought he was hurting me on that Sunday because he moved out and did not say a word except to say that divorce was the only option for us. I agreed! Although I am hurting as I go through this process/journey, I know that his behavior is characteristic of a N and that he will never be happy with anyone because it is all about him. I come to grips each day that he only married me because I could give him a lifestyle and the image that he craved. It was not about love, it was not about us, it was nothing but him. So, I feel used and certainly abused but with strength and support I will get back to the person I was, strong, independent and more wiser. I will take this time to continue going to my counselor to understand me better and why I attracted such a man. In addition, I will be going to a divorce support group to ensure that I can get over this and not bring this baggage into my next relationship. I know that I am a better person out of this and glad I had the guts to make the decision to get out now before it was too late. Now, the real fight will come in court. I plan to get him where it hurts the most and even if I can't get what I want, I am sure as hell going to enjoy this fight for which I am in control. Monday, March 29th, I reclaimed my life and will take each day as it comes.