I met my ex online over eight years ago; we were in our late-20s. We hooked up almost right away after I gave in to his pressure (he said it’s not normal to wait longer than a month to have sex). It was the day after Valentine’s Day (only a month after meeting offline) that we first slept together. He showed up empty-handed (not a single rose) in the early morning hours (he says, due to his taxi job which he did on the side).

Prior to that, we went on about 3 or 4 dates and already had our first argument. I got mad at him for being cheap. We only went to cheap eateries which I guess I was ok with; but once at a diner with a $10 bill, he said, “baby, I’m a little short.” I don’t remember if I paid or not. Another time, he was trying to get me to pay again. After that, I blew up at him. I should’ve just walked away but I was excited around him and loved the drama. Also, I thought we had stuff in common and that we were in the same mindset financially – maintaining good credit, buying property. He also constantly spoke so highly of himself saying that he was one of the few good men left. And he always pointed out to me (he's black) how he never got arrested, doesn’t take drugs, and has no kids. Basically, he was telling me, “Why should you ever want to leave me?”

Also, I loved the sex with him. It was an adventure for me (it was also my first interracial relationship). But he got me to do things I never wanted to do before I got married. Later he would ask me if I would do threesomes or what I thought if he got a doll. Oh jeez. And his addiction to porn and masturbating was sickening. He loved to make me watch porn with him but it turned me off most of the time, especially the scenes when it was degrading what they were doing to women. Porn was everywhere on his computer and his dvd collection.

And speaking of movies, he ripped off Netflix with yet another scheme where he copied all the movies he rented from them (with the low monthly rate, he would rent dozens of movies every month until he copies each and every one of them).

Anyway, so while being mad at him, I also empathized with his being cheap because he just bought a house and was working two jobs. I was also very cheap with myself though. But later, I learned just how uncheap he was with himself going on vacations, buying all the latest electronic gadgets, and then some.

A couple of months later, I had a gut suspicion that he was cheating on me. I searched the online personals and found him there, active. When I confronted him, he said he keeps his profile up because I nag and yell at him too much. This was the beginning of me breaking up with him dozens of times over the next eight years.

I would continually find him active on all sorts of online dating sites. One time, I even created a fake profile and responded to him. He responded back. So, yeah, he was definitely active.

Soon after we started dating, he said he had a vacation pre-planned with his buddies to Miami. I was so upset. When he called me, I was so angry with him. I felt like I couldn’t survive with him gone. This feeling of abandonment got worse everytime I either broke up with him, or he went away on vacation, or I didn’t receive a call from him. I would wake up in a panic that I hadn’t heard from him. It was almost like he was a lifeline or something.

Years later, after I got really good at investigating him online, I saw a tape he made when he was in Miami. Him and his friends were taping girls’ butts and commenting about them. He posted it on his Myspace page, which I also had no idea he even had. I hadn’t known about Myspace yet.

Another time, after we got back together again after another breakup, he said he had pre-planned a trip to Las Vegas with his buddies over Valentine’s weekend. Valentine’s Day as well as all holidays was always a sore subject because he claims that due to his Jehovah Witness upbringing, he doesn’t celebrate holidays. Anyway, already well aware of his inability to be faithful (though I never actually caught him with someone), I scoured the Craigslist personals looking under Las Vegas (by then, he had been posting ads under our city). I didn’t have to look very hard because sure enough, I found his ad looking for someone who “should look good.” He also said he would take them out for a Valentine’s Day dinner. I blew up at him and was more devastated than ever before. We had had a long break and I thought he was more mature this time around and finally “got it” when it came to our relationship and how much I wanted his love. Ha.

We had a couple of long-term breaks where he had a college student living with him (we were now in our early 30s) who he also met online. He later told me how she would yell and scream and “act crazy.” I told him it was because of him, and he just laughed and said that something was wrong with her. I didn’t yet know about narcissism.

The other girl he was with he met online and drove all the way to Virginia to meet. She had three kids but left them to move in with him. He told me she was with a very abusive man (verbal/physical) who she was in a custody fight with over the kids. I guess she needed some time away or something (I’m not sure what the whole story was). She lived with him twice over a two year period.

The second time she moved in with him was three days after I broke up with him because he was driving me absolutely insane. I could not get through to him. I don’t remember it all right now. The next day, he sends me the IM transcript of the conversation with him and the girl. They were discussing her moving in. It looked like a contract. He laid out everything she was to do (clean, cook, etc) and pay for, including a cruise vacation. And she took him paying for it. I don’t know how she did this with 3 kids in a custody battle; or I think it was the state that took her kids. He showed me the transcript because I remarked how convenient it was that she was moving in so soon after we broke up. He told me it was pure coincidence that she contacted him and that she just needed a place to stay until she sorted out her issues. Yeah, right.

Also, she cleaned up his place the first day she got there. He was the biggest slob, things were everywhere, it was hazardous to walk, dirt and dust, stuff all over the floor like you were on the street. He always told me I should clean up his place because “that’s what girlfriends do.” Well, I told him since I don’t live with him, why would I do that? And since I never cleaned up his place except for a few things here and there, he emailed me pictures of his cleaned-up place, to rub it in my face that ex girlfriend had moved in with him again and “see how clean it is?” A few times, I did clean up stuff and tried to help him organize but he would always leave me alone to do it, saying he had to pick up a customer or that he had better things to do like work on his book he was writing. And his place felt like a dungeon (basement apt; he was renting the upstairs of his house). It was dark, dingy, cluttered, and dirty. I had several panic attacks there, one of which he recorded and then played back and laughed at my distress (I was yelling like a lunatic saying, "how could you live like this?").

He said he is going to write a book about her story one day because of the abuse she has had to deal with from both her family and her boyfriend (who she is now married to). I’m only going by what he told me.

During the times he was with these two women, this was about a two-year period. I was still so much in love with him that I could not bring myself to move on. I put him on a pedestal and waited until he changed. For two years!! We did not talk during this time.

Moving forward, in late 2008, we hooked up again. I told him I wanted to get married (I know, what was I thinking?). I told him I was tired of the back and forth and that I want to settle down. I should mention here that he never once told me he loved me unless I brought it up. Once on a cruise vacation, I asked him if he loved me. He was acting like a such a child, burying his face in the pillow, unable to say it until finally, he murmured the words into the pillow. Ugh.

Anyway, so after a while of standing my ground, he said he also wants to marry me. But we never became engaged or anything. We talked about me moving in with him but I knew it would never happen. I have a nice and airy apartment and there was no way I was moving into the dungeon. He also said that if I moved in with him that I would take care of him and that he wouldn’t be doing any of the household chores. It was not an enticing proposition and no, I didn’t move in with him!

A couple of months later, I was looking forward to Christmas. I was happy (or at least I convinced myself that I was). I bought him a ton of presents. But as usual, he didn’t want to get me anything. I told him, as usual, that I celebrate holidays and that if we are to get married, then he must respect that about me. We broke up before Christmas because I was losing my mind with him. Our conversations went around in circles. I kept telling him we just record our conversations and play whenever we speak because we always say the same things. It was killing me. I promptly returned all the gifts. On New Year’s Eve 2008, on my birthday, he sends me a text, “I was going to propose to you on Valentine’s Day. Bought the ring. I have the receipt, here’s the receipt #.” Of course, he was lying. But my sister had to convince me of that.

Oh, does this saga ever end? I thought this time it was surely over. But I still didn’t know about narcissism. So I was still addicted to him! Yep, 2009 was more of the same drama. Except now I was sure we would only be f*** buddies, something I never ever wanted to do. He was happy though. He finally got sex nsa. But I wasn’t happy with him anymore (was I ever?). After a while, sex with him hurt me physically. I would tell him it hurts, but he didn’t comprehend. After another vacation (Jamaica) to attend a friend’s wedding in which I was left behind, I was desperate for answers. I finally found narcissism and researched the hell out of it.

Unfortunately, I thought I could be friends with him and educate him about his disorder. Not a good idea. Nothing changed. He only used this knowledge to get sympathy from me. More than a couple of times that we had sex, I would start crying in the middle of it. He couldn’t comprehend my tears. We would change positions but I would tell him it still hurts. It felt like a sharp dagger toward the end of my time with him. But I would also feel obliged to “finish.”

What finally caused me to walk away from him once and for all was that he tried to sue me for what was basically a huge favor I had done for him. But of course, they never see it that way. I won’t go into the details. Actually, here’s the forum post of it: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/02/13/he-threatening-sue-me.

I have been no contact for over a month now and I feel sooooooo relieved. But I have a lot of work to do to keep this from ever happening to me again.

There’s more to the story, of course. It took me this long just to finally get it out without feeling overwhelmed. I started a blog and will post everything there so as to get everything out so I never have to go back to him for any reason.