Rinalda's story

I got involved with a man at work (bad idea, I know). He initiated the relationship and worked hard to "get me." He remembered a lot of little things about me, did me favours without my asking, and paid a lot of attention.

Once it was clear I was interested, he slowly started reducing the frequency of interaction. I started to feel insecure and never seemed to have a say in things. He called the shots, controlling when and how often we e-mailed, saw each other, and had contact. He came around just enough to keep a connection with me but never let things get too intimate or close. I had some suspicions about other women from the first minute, but he denied any interest in anyone but me.

Despite feeling unhappy with these conditions, I cared about him and put up with the treatment. We spent a fair amount of time together and got to know each other well.

About five months in, I figured out that he had been starting to see someone else at work. When questioned, he got very aggressive and said he was offended that I'd asked him any such thing. I ended up feeling bad and actually apologized!
He tried to hide her from me, but I could see his behaviour changing. When I think back on that now, it stabs me.

My suspicions proved correct, and eventually I couldn't handle the stress of the deceptions, lies and the other woman herself (she was/is being obnoxious toward me and threw herself at him to get him) and so I broke it off.

In the break-up conversation, the man again denied any other liaison and got hostile. He scoffed at my statements and verbally attacked me. He tried to beat me to the punch by breaking it off with me first, too. But he also talked about staying friends, something that he said mattered a lot to him.

After it ended, he tried smoothing everything over with me, presumably so that no one at works perceived what had gone on and so that we could hang out like old times. He definitely doesn't want his co-workers thinking he's a jerk. A change in our common mode of interaction at work would expose him. He also did seem rather thrown by the fact that I ended things. He got used to having me around, I think.

I was downright hostile and rude to him for about a month after the break-up, but he didn't let up the pressure to "be nice". He kept trying to talk to me, essentially trying to bully me into engaging with him (?). He wasn't honouring my anger, and made me angry! I was shocked that he'd think I would just go back to being his friend again.

I was left to suffer and watch the other relationship go on, albeit "under wraps" as he tries to keep it hidden. He cornered me to talk things over and tried to convince me once again that he was not involved with her (swore it, got angry that I didn't believe it). I wouldn't buy it, and he went into the N temper tantrum, looking at me with contempt at work and giving me the silent treatment. Now he is back to softening me up.

When we first broke up, I felt a terrible combination of pain and anger. Now it's mostly pain. Wish I could get angrier. Thinking of the two of them together is terribly painful for me still. Here and there I have a wave of fury at the disrespect, betrayal, lies and conning....And then just as soon, the same things that make me angry (he ignored me on a certain day because SHE was around) break my heart when I think back.

I fear for my health. Other posts that I've made here show the daily stresses of working with them and the awful anxiety I am experiencing.