Running's story

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#1 Mar 18 - 10PM
running
running's picture

Running's story

First of all, I am so thankful for this site. I have read several stories only to have my own validated. I finally know who, er, I mean WHAT I'm dealing with. I met my Narc 8 years ago through my job. I was in the process of getting a divorce and my lawyer wasn't giving me good advice. He gave me the number of the lawyer who handled his so-called divorce, (long story short, 7 years later I find out he's still married). Anyway, we were close friends, (so I thought), we had lunch all the time, drinks after work when I had time, (he always accomodated my schedule-I have my child 90% of the time), he always said he would cancel anything to be with me. Gosh, I believed him...I believed in him. We didn't get physcally intimate until 4 years ago, and it's been a yo yo since.

During the first 4 years, I was told he dated occasionally but didn't have a girlfriend, that he had an x wife whom he respected very much but left her because she didn't give him enough sex. He's hot, oh yeah, fitness buff, looks, money, intelligence, huge catch. My problem was this: I had no self confidence, failed marriage, young child, new job, no money, living with my parents, and here he comes...throwing compliments at me all the time, telling me how smart and pretty I am, listened to me about child rearing, gave me advice, told me I was a great parent...he knew all the right things to say, I fell for it hook line and sinker. The yo yo started after we got intimate 4 years ago.

It was great the first year or so, but keep in mind that we had limited time to work with. Since I have my child all the time, we really only had every other weekend to work with, he convinced me that it wasn't a good idea to involve my child "just yet." So we had great dinners, amazing sex...but he never spent the night or wanted me to spend the night with him, I thought it was strange, but he convinced me it was perfectly acceptable, that we both needed a good nights rest because of how busy we both are. I keep looking back and wondering how I could have been so stupid, but you see, he's that good! He has a home based business, and I had been there several times so I really believed that's where he spent every night, and I still believe it. I probably shouldn't, but I do.

After about 1 1/2 years, my business started thriving, I started to make a little more money, I was in my own home, have a great kid, and I finally started to feel better about myself. He started to act "distant" and whenever I tried to talk about it he acted as if I had 3 heads. He would ignore me for days and then all of a sudden re-appear with the I love you's, dinners, presents and tons of flattery. One day about 2 years ago, he broke it to me that before he and I started sleeping together, he had had a girlfriend for 4 years, and for the past two years, that's all I've heard about, her and everyone else notched in his belt, and how they all broke up with him, broke his heart, and how he can't trust women, that we're all bad, "of course that doesn't include you sweetie, you're different, I know you love me." I kept thinking he must be sharing this with me because he loved me that much and didn't want any secrets between us.

He was always taking trips...but not with me, just with his "golfing" buddies. I expressed an interest to go away with him last year, so we planned a trip to Va, (his favorite spot), and well, it turned out to be a golfing trip. I was at the hotel every day until he was done, and then the guys and I would go to dinner, then Narc and I would go back to the room and "play." He kept calling me different names during the whole trip, almost like he forgot who he was with, at first I found it amusing and joked with him about it. Anyway, after 4 days of this, I had a bit of an emotional meltdown so he drove me home, 7 hrs by the way. This trip was the only time in our relationship that we shared a bed overnight. I tried to break up with him when we got home, (this was last March), I felt so used, He took me there for one reason only.

I did pretty good, no contact for about 2 weeks, until I started getting his e-mails about how much he missed me, the loving texts and phone calls, you know the ones, "your my soul mate, I miss you, I need you, I want you to be happy, lets plan bla bla bla." He even said once, "I wish I could be half the person you are..." Yup, I fell for it. He went away again in April, then in May, but he called, every day, sent text's and e-mails telling me how much he missed me and how he wished I were on the trip with him, that nothing was more important than me. Gosh..again, I beleived him.

I shared every ounce of emotion I had with this guy, my hopes, fears, dreams, business advice. If I had 45 minutes to myself I'd ask him to come over, and of course he was here in an instant, telling me it was better than no time at all, and I'd instantly feel charmed and would do anything he asked of me in that 45 minutes.

I finally complained enough about no time with my family so he agreed to spend some time with them, (including my child). He agred to go to a Family reunion with me, it was out of town so we shared a 2 bedroom suite but we didn't sleep together. It turned out to be the trip from hell. He and my child butted heads the whole time, I have a really smart kid, (he tried to be stern with her but she gave it right back to him), she knows when someone is the devil! About 30 members of my family were there and he made sure to belittle me in front of everyone as often as he could. When we came back home, I apologized to my family, (especially my child), and I broke up with him again.

3 weeks later he was back, and again I fell for it, only this time I agreed to no family involvement. He somehow convinced me that he loved me more than my family loved me, that my child was the devil and that they all "use" me. So little by little I started to distance myself from them. He finally had me where he wanted me, and that's when it got worse. He told me that he's not divorced, that he vacations 3-4 times a year with his estranged wife, (those are his words), and that I have to accept it, he said,"if you don't accept it, there must be something wrong with you and the warped way you were raised."

After a few more break-ups and get back togehter's..... I think I'm finally done. It's only been two weeks since the last break up, but somehow this website appeared at my doorstep and I think it has saved me.

I have so many mixed emotions lately, I really really love this guy, but I know he's evil. I know I need therapy, I know I can't have a normal relationship after this, I don't trust anyone anymore. My heart feels cold, I shiver all the time, and I cry all the time. I'm mad at myself for allowing him to use me. I'm mad at myself for putting so much distance between me and my family, they kept trying to tell me he was no good and I wouldn't listen. I'm mad at myself for exposing my child to this guy. I'm mad at him for who and what he led me to believe he was. I'm so angry at him, he knows me, he knows who I am, everything about me, and he used me.....and he doesn't care.

I deleted all his e-mails, (I was a saver), deleted all texts, photo's, and voice mails. I packed up all the jewelry he gave me I've apologized to my friends and family several times. I don't know what else to do. My Dad was over on Sunday, he had tears in his eyes and he made me promise to quit this guy cold turkey. I made the promise!

Thank you for listening!

Apr 16 - 7PM
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Give us an update...

It's been a little over a month since your break-up. How are you doing? Are you still strong? I know that the first few days following the break-up with these monsters is the worst so I hope that you are now feeling better!
May 9 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
running
running's picture

update....

Hi Everyone, It's been a while since I've posted on the site, I've read all your stories and I've cried for every single one of us. I feel fortunate in the fact that I wasn't physically hurt by him, but the mind games that took place have totally messed me up. One of the hardest things i'm trying to overcome is the ability to trust in my judgement again. How could I have allowed myself to fall head over heals in love with this guy who ultimatley ripped my heart out? I ask myself again and again, is it really possible for a heartless bastard to steal someone elses heart? If they don't have a heart, how can they steal one if they don't know what one is? Somehow he managed to steal mine, and he stole my ability to trust again as well. That really angers me!!! I try not to think of it much because then I just get down on myself, but tonight it hit the surface. I'm still no contact, still sad, but much happier, (does that make sense?). He's tried to contact me a few times, but I don't give in, I let my office staff handle him, and honestly he hasn't tried in 3 weeks. That's a long time for him. He's probably moved on to a new victim. I can report that I'm not tense all the time like I used to be; I'm not so insecure; and my relationship with my daughter has been amazing, she's happier and having her happier makes me 1000 times happier. I guess that's the best gift I could receive on Mother's day, Having a happy kid! I hope you all had a great day, and I'm thankful for every single one of you!
May 10 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The loss of trust

During the D&D, my ex-N would ALWAYS smugly ask me,"Did you learn your lesson?" In the end, when he had EXPOSED HIMSELF (not one of the brightest Narcs around, he didn't know how to finesse the revelation of the OW from LA--but made a swift exit),I told him coldly, without anger or tears,"I'm not as trusting as I used to be." I also told him that I didn't trust him anymore. He was in a position of trust... and he WANTED me to trust to him... but I wouldn't do that anymore. My sense of trust was greatly damaged. I'm a more cynical person than I used to be. When I faced betrayals in the workplace rather than relationships... there were less emotions involved, and I was more jaded. I'm more cautious now.
Mar 19 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

welcome running

Get into therapy with a TRAUMA COUNSELOR IMMEDIATELY - this guy's your classic Predator. You need someone who can treat the PTSD he's given you asap: http://ptsd.factsforhealth.org/help/searchclinic1.asp - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - PLEASE read the stories of others on SHARE YOUR STORY. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do! Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. It will also help you see the pattern of their INCURABLE PATHOLOGY. - PLEASE read through our whole blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing Get a hold of a copy of Lisa's book (Link in the Right Column) Please read the Rules prior to posting on our Boards, as well. - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with!! Get to a PTSD/ trauma counselor ASAP... Healing classically takes a MINIMUM of 18 months (with TOTAL NC) as soon as he's GONE and you will need ongoing support & help from a professional. Please get it ASAP here's what to do with the jewelry: http://www.exboyfriendjewelry.com/ ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 19 - 2AM
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Running

Thank God you are here. It will be such a relief for you to read up all you can and this site is GREAT. It has been so crucial for me. And therapy after this predator used and abused you is certainly in order. You have been through the ringer with this jerk but you will not always feels this bad - you just need to heal from the trauma - and it was trauma! Barbara says its takes 18 months after the beginning of no contact. (my kids pegged my N as the devil too early on... they know best... and I have also dealt with a lot of guilt around how he mentally/emotionally preoccupied me so much it has been hard to be there for them)
Mar 19 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
running
running's picture

guilt

I do feel guilty, I let the relationship preoccupy me so much, it took so much energy to be with him, I was always trying to avoid whatever it was that would set him off. Talking about my daughter would set him off....can you imagine that? Why would I want to be with someone like that? 18 months huh? OK then! I can do this! Thanks for your support!
Mar 19 - 12AM
grossot
grossot's picture

running

Wow! I'm so glad you found this website. Yow deserve someone so much better. Its not your fault. I know...they are that good just like you said. So whatever you need to do to maintain NC...post quote, scriptures, a pic of your dad all over your house. You are on the right track....keep up the good work! http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled