who am i..??.....

Member since:
42 years 6 weeks

Last activity:
42 years 6 weeks

who am i..??.....

Posted March 12, 2010 - 4:49pm

been crying all day..and old friend contacted me several months ago..we grew up right across the street from each other..he called me today...told me that he is looking into renting the house i lived in way back when.anyway, i almost always cry after i talk to him...sometimes i'll cry while i'm talking to him.
he has a beautiful southern drawl...and hearing it makes me wistful and sort of sad..he's always been a musician...a very talented one.. he still has in a band and plays in local clubs..he's recorded a few songs for me and sent them to me..thise make me cry too...and sometimes he'll call or email me....and we'll talk about the past..he'll tell me things about myself that i've forgotten..he knows more about 'me' than i do it seems...and when we're talking about 'her'..it seems like i'm talking about someone i once knew..who's dead..

this guy was my childhood crush...and sometimes just talking to this perfectly normal and sweet guy..it's just almost unbearably painful...he tells me i'm still 'her'...but i'm not...she's dead...and if she's dead...then who am i???
sometimes i just want to jump in my car and drive there....and knock on his door....and go in and curl up beside him....and have him put his arms around me and tell me about 'her'....it's just all so sad..so very very sad..

we have a troll

March 13, 2010 - 5:52pm — Barbara (not verified)

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/03/13/members-we-need-your-help

just let me be clear - while I know that I am beyond 'hope' - I have never extended this belief to the members here, only myself. There's a reason I do this work - it's the members on this board. If you have any questions for me please ask, I will answer them.

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

opinions

March 14, 2010 - 12:30am — rache

are like a-holes-everybody has one,and,its up to us to take,or,reject any information we deem as helpful/and,or not.Barbara,you have stated your views and have never tried to FORCE your beliefs on anyone.this ~TROLL~is just thatp-a pathological(probably-psychopath),and,needs stopped.I hope YOU and LISA take whatever measure possible to rid this forum of that parasitic piece of sh.t.SHE goes beyond pitiful-to being very vindictive-on a vendetta.

we could use everyone's help

March 14, 2010 - 1:27am — Barbara (not verified)

livejournal has been contacted

anyone who wishes to write livejournal about this can do so at abuse@livejournal.com

be sure to include the link to her blog...

...I feel sorry for whoever she's the nurse for.

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

I never took your response as a loss of hope

March 13, 2010 - 6:07pm — wallaby (not verified)

and for the troll to spin it as such was not based in the exchanges happening on the thread with Narcnarc. I think it is important to hear and understand reality in these situations. You (and Narcnarc) are fully supportive, hopeful and funny for members here - you also know how to meet someone where they are at. Sometimes people need advice. SOmetimes they just need to be held and listened to (which she clearly expressed a desire for that ). Narcnarc would only be more likely to spiral into depression and hopelessness if people didn't understand her reality and kept throwing suggestions at her that she is simply not capable of following through on. Many times, the most loving thing one can do is understand and reflect back where someone is at when they are stating it clearly. That alone gives hope - that other are able to hear and contain her pain - thus taking some of the load. I could be wrong,. but in my reading her post and then yours, it seemed Narcnarc was not looking for advice as many of us here are frequently. She was simply expressing a feeling - very clearly and beautifully - and you wanted to make sure others understood her situation (like myself - I did not know).

thanks wallaby and everyone else

March 13, 2010 - 7:06pm — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

i tell my story not to illicit sympathy but to let others know that MONSTERS do exist, and none of us is safe.

when i met the psycho, i was 35 years old, had been married in my early twenties to a perfectly normal guy, had enjoyed several normal relationships with normal men. i was smart, and savvy and fairly sophisticated, and i NEVER saw him coming.

a red flag is just a piece of cloth until you know what it means! if you want to contact me about the domestic violence issues, and the attempt to get a documentary filmed, I've told Barbara to give you my email address.

thanks again for your support and understanding. it means a lot.

wallaby - ty

March 13, 2010 - 6:12pm — Barbara (not verified)

thanks wallaby

I believe in full disclosure and REALITY... not magical thinking or blaming the victim...

this troll is trying very hard to be relevant. I can certainly see why even other sites don't want her around. The twisted posting is very reminiscent of the narcs & psychopaths I've known.

questioning my ability to moderate is to question Lisa's decisions... and I can say that she, like myself, cares deeply about the individual path to healing of each of the members here.

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

A psychopath

March 14, 2010 - 12:33am — rache

if i were a betting person-i'd bet on psychopath.......

no home to go home to...no life to go back to..

March 13, 2010 - 10:30am — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

-----there really is no way out...i had some money stashed away..and sold most of everything i had spent years and years collecting.things i'd had long before the psychonarc came along..and i started lookin for somewhere to go..my credit of course was completely ruined..and it really came as no suprise that no one would rent to me with eight dogs..now if i had EIGHT CHILDREN..real estate laws would protect me..and i could not be turned down to rent something because i had eight children..so finally a fiend offered me this house..he couldn't rent it because it had no heat source..it was the middle of summer..and everyone to a man believed that the crazed psychonarc would drink and drug himself to death within months..and took the offer...otherwise the psychonarc's promise that we would all 'live on the streets' would have become a total reality..

the psychonarc is a veritable cockroach..he refuses to die.and now i'm trapped again..
psychopaths and narcs often prey on women who have no or almost no family...and that is my case...i have one brother who is a raging Narc himself..so he is not only of no help..he has acutally sided with the psychopath...there aren't too many places you can show up with eight dogs and some cats and be welcomed in...even if someone wanted to welcom you, there aren't too many people who can accomodate..

giving up my pets would be the ultimate victory for the psycho..and the ultimate loss for me...
if not for them i would have probably killed him..or myself years ago..just to end it...

as for the loss of my material possessions and income....the house and acreage i needed and had mostly for the sake of my pets..the business and the material possessions were mine...and as i tell people...they were bought and paid for TWICE..first with my hard earned money..and then again with my blood sweat and tears from the endless wrestling with my psychopath husband whose sole objective was to take them from me....

he is.. to quote him..'quite pleased with himself'.because NOTHING meant anything to him,with the sole exception of THE car...which of course he stole and never intended to have me find....all the rest was again to quote him..'easy come, easy go'...everyone has but one life...except a psychopath..who just gones on to steal another...and another..and another..from someone else.....who then has none........

My blog

wow.......

March 13, 2010 - 6:46am — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

-----woke to see i'm big discussion...here's my deal..i'm 53..i had managed to claw and dig my way out of poverty that the psycho kept men in for years....thinking THAT would be my victory..my way out..but as soon as the business started making a lot of money..he started beating me and threatening the lives of my pets..whatever i had.it was HIS and he was going to get it..from late 2002 until late 2007, i was held virtual prisoner in my own life...i called the police numerous times..and all that got me was severely punished by the psycho..is reign of terror defies description...he was determined to destroy me..and he did..i had a beautiful home in nearly five acres..a six figure income..and eight rescue dogs and some cats..and he was going to TAKE IT ALL...guys..i HOARDED FOOD..in my lovely country home..i hoarded food...he used to throw me up against the wall and scream at me...'when i'm through with you..you'll have NOTHING..you'll have NOTHING LEFT'..his intention was to drain me..destroy me...and in the end he did...he destroyed my business by undermining me..slandering me..smearing me and backstabbing me...he had signed away all his marital rights to the house..so he made sure i lost it too...and he had set his sights on my pets..he was going to take them away from me too..by any means he could..i loved BEN the most..so he was his first target...i loved BEN like he was my own child..imagine if you can, your crazed husbands killing one of your children in the few moments you step outside the door.that kind of HATRED and EVIL is beyond imaginization and comprehension.but it exists..
the game of ALL of these bastards is ONE UP...and as long as i had ANYTHING...i was ONE UP...he was like a frenzied SHARK.gnashing, ripping, shredding...
he always told me that one day he would take my pets from me...he despises LOVE..he's always known that if he could somehow take them from me..that it would destroy me..that he would have killed me and gotten away with it..
he wants me dead..after he murdered BEN he would call me and chante..'why don't you kill yourself..why don't you kill yourself'...to drive someone to suicide is the ULTIMATE in control..even more fun that MURDER....and that's his goal..always has been...to take from me everything i love and hold dear..and drive me to suicide...that's the PINNACLE of ONE UP...
i know it's hard to believe...how do you think i feel?...he's a little short, humpty dumpty looking loser..on the outside...but inside...he's satan incarnate...the one therapist he had that he could never fool described his as 'serial killer quality..but without the guts..so far'....
My blog

she's tried EVERYTHING

March 12, 2010 - 11:30pm — Barbara (not verified)

Leave everything if you have to.
she won't leave her pets and I don't blame her.

Go somewhere out of where you are, if you need support, research papers in an area where you could go.
in the few years I have known her she's been EVERYWHERE and called EVERYONE in a 50 mile radius. NOTHING!

There are options of room and board for those who will help in social services.
Not where she is. And she will not leave her pets. BTW - they don't do this here in NYC either.

You don't have to make it your livlihood, think about your livlihood.
She's disabled - what livelyhood does she have? I don't have a livelyhood either... every month I stay here and help Lisa - I lose money... yet I stay because I know there is deep need here. narcnarc will NOT leave her pets.

You have your party of friends,,your good guys pups there,,let the offer be known that they need to accompany you in your journey.
She has and been turned away at the 100s of places and people she's gone to for help
FROM HER BLOG: http://trubblescatboxandotherabusive.blogspot.com/2010/02/helpwhat-fucki...

Call other states. Tell them your predicament, what has happened, how does their system deal with it.
Other states don't want to hear it - I've been there myself. Funding is cut or is siphoned AWAY from victims into the pockets of "advocates."

How can you bring that support inside your own town.
she can't. Even the police, when she had a witness to turbopsychonarc BEATING HER - arrested HER and refused to believe her! The town doesn't know and doesn't want to know. Food pantries turn her down because she has "No proof of income" - how INSANE is that.

This is the situation for many abuse victims - and it's a reality. There's NO HELP.

I suggest EVERY MEMBER HERE visit this site below - scroll down and read the stories from abuse victims... it is this kind of reform I have been working for for almost 3years now... and its all uphill!!
http://survivorsinaction.com/site/index.php?option=com_content&view=arti...

I know you're all trying to be supportive - but it isn't the reality

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

Narcarcwhosthere and Barbara

March 13, 2010 - 1:02am — wallaby (not verified)

I have read through this thread and feel humbled, grateful for what I have, and enlightened about both you terrible situations. What a disgrace our health and human services infrastructure in this country is in.

I would have also - without realizing all Barbara told - tried to be uplifting. But I appreciate honesty - it is best for us not to live in fantasy.

All I can say Narcnarcwhosethere is that not only as a human being, but also as a writer (film) I was deeply moved by what you wrote. Your ability to articulate so beautifully and elegantly your pain and loss is a gift.

Have you done writing beyond blogging? I have read so many profiles lately that I am having hard time keeping names straight - but I would have remembered about the murder of your dog. I am going to hunt down your profile again to see if you are, in fact, a writer.

wallaby

March 13, 2010 - 2:48am — Barbara (not verified)

narcnarc was a successful real estate broker... then her psycho took her money, her life, her health and went on his merry way...

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/02/10/narcnarcwhostheres-story

she's lost her job, her finances, her home and her health...

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

Hear me out and give some thought

March 12, 2010 - 9:40pm — cynthia (not verified)

I come from a list a mile long with abuse, my natural parents who basically didnt want me and gave me up for adoption at the age of 5 (and I DO remember the abuse) Thank God for my adoptive parents who took me into their home and thought they could make me forget it all with love, not at that age, the damage was done, I had self esteem issues, security issues, all my life and still battle with them today but I have to work on them every single day and know I am worthy. Betrayal and abandonment is a horrible trauma to overcome, and your friend Ben who you loved was taken away from you. So much loss you are feeling and have endured. I lost both my adoptive parents 6 months apart, being an only child that was very difficult to let go of them, then my sociopath enters my life the minute my mother was put in the ground, he was there to help me and give me support you know (puke) so now here I am today knowing what I too have lost and can never get back within myself.

From my experiences I can look back and see me as that little girl, lost, whose natural parents didnt want her wondering if I did something wrong that they didnt love me. I can also see what saved me and gave me a chance at a fairly normal life - LOVE!!!!!!!! Love CAN heal many things NarcNarc, we may always carry the scars of our traumas but love can bring you back to what you once were, maybe not 100% but enough so you have hope once again. Ben may not be there but you can still love him, just as my parents are gone but I still feel love for them everyday. Not only do we need to receive love, but we need to almost learn how to love all over again, I think that empty shell can be filled again one day. I know the little abandoned child I was learned to trust and love again all because of the great love from my parents who adopted me.

I dont have my parents now to get me through this one but you remember all the love you got from Ben and I will remember all the love I got from my parents, its always there with us, it never ends. Its a good place to start

cynthia

March 13, 2010 - 12:13am — rache

I had two parents who i grew up to know didnt want me(gave me to my grand-mother at birth)-but-i was raised by my grand-mother,and,grandfather to cater to my mother and dad......talk about dysfunctional living.

don't want to inflict it on someone else....

March 12, 2010 - 7:52pm — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

-----yeah..i sort of feel like the elephant man..don't want anyone to have to see me..a really good friend of mine one day, some time ago..was joking around with me and laughing a little..and he reached toward me with both hands..and i just FLIPPED OUT..just started shaking and crying..and he felt terrible..he still brings it up..i just feel so damaged..so broken..that i can never be repaired..
My blog

((HUGS))

March 13, 2010 - 12:15am — rache

I love you! And, GOD loves you more....you are worthy,and,a great person.

he really destroyed my life...

March 12, 2010 - 7:44pm — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

-----yeah..he really did destroy me..in every way..and him murdering BEN..i don't think i can ever recover from that..and of course, that was his intention..to do something that would destroy me, that he could get away with. and he did it..Barbara's right about that..some things you just can't get over....
My blog

just a word

March 12, 2010 - 11:32pm — Barbara (not verified)

I have to back up my buddy narcnarc here. While I can appreciate you all trying to bolster her... people like her and I are WAAAAY beyond 'hope' and 'getting out' and having 'fun.' Fun to me is a good night's sleep on pain killers, when I am able to take them... some party, huh?

narcnarc, for instance, has complex PTSD. She and her pets would be homeless if someone didn't donate a house to her. A house WITHOUT heat... but it's something. She has NO INCOME other than food stamps. Food pantries won't deal with her because she 'can't show proof of income' (I know, WTF! huh?) She probably has fibromyalgia but the hospital won't see her (no medicaid) and no doctor will see her for free.

Like her I have complex PTSD. I am severely disabled so a shelter would never take me. Besides I would never leave my kids. I am morbidly obese from drugs & surgeries though people treat me like I am "just fat." If exNH didn't pay my rent, utilities and insurance I'd be in narcnarc's position.

We don't want to go out. We look like hell, feel like hell and we are tired of people telling us to "have hope." We have accepted what IS. That's one of the reasons I am working on getting a coaching certification. The positive affirmation/ self-talk thing gets pretty tired when you've dealt with a serious psychopath (or 3 in my case)

I don't date and I never will again. I get it narcnarc - why afflict someone as PTSD destroyed as us? We don't like it and we are smart enough to know others won't either. The old "her" is gone for me. I'd be ridiculous to even imagine I could get "her" back - she died a long time ago - a horrible agonizing death.

the only person who know who I USED TO BE left - was Psycho-Boy!! and look what happened!

she's done... all I can do is make sure no one else goes thru the same things I have.

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

Psychopaths'PTSD,and,disability

March 13, 2010 - 12:26am — rache

I had a psychopath dad,i believe my first husband was close-definitely ptsd too-from vietnam,then,married a psychopath extreme(last husband).i have had ptsd since 12 years old-was taken to a family doctor who told them to not let me watch scary shows etc,lol.....yeah,i was living a horror show! i have adhd and although i rank top 25 % in the nation in language,vocab,reading,spelling-i have a math defict.Been told all my life i am stupid,crazy,dumb etc=i have 0 self-esteem and at 53 it is fruitless to hope for much better.I was told by my psychoplogist that i do not think like a psychopath but i react like one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH! thats what a psychopath does to you in time.DO ANY OF YOU WOMEN WANT TO HAVE A CHILD BY ONE AND IT ENDING UP LIKE ME?((TEARS) I have cried inside since day before yesterday when i found out.((SOBS))PSYCHOPATHS DESTROY LIFE! I am with Barbara on the painkiller thing-except my relief is two benedrl,1 valium,1 ambien=sleep all day.

rache

March 13, 2010 - 12:30am — quietude (not verified)

(((((((((((((huuuuuggggggg)))))))))))))))))
I know I'm just black words on a white screen, but I do care.

quietude

March 13, 2010 - 12:35am — rache

((HUGS back)) thank you for the hug,it means a lot to me,and,i care too.I know some of us will never be able to be 100% but being 50% would be nice..

interesting thought...

March 13, 2010 - 12:24am — quietude (not verified)

..."I don't date and I never will again. I get it narcnarc - why afflict someone as PTSD destroyed as us? We don't like it and we are smart enough to know others won't either".

This thought articulates kind of how I've been feeling, and was worried somewhat about it...so this was actually validating in a way. I know it's a sad thing, but this actually made me feel less odd about myself, if that makes sense. So, Thank You!

I think people naturally want to cheer for each other...on these boards, etc (and I certainly would not and do not blame them at all)...'you'll find another person, there are some great guys out there!' ...and all that. But it doesn't ring true to me.

I know not everyone is an N, but I find myself criticizing mentally the men I see....'likely an N', 'probably cheats on his GF', 'probably just dates young girls'....I hate that I've become so cynical, but maybe that's okay for me now. I'm no longer Susy Sunshine...well, not as far as the whole romantic experience.

And I would be a total bummer on a date right now. Not intentionally, it's just what could I really offer someone?? Maybe one day I'll be up for it.

I don't think it's as simple as saying you can get back to the bubbly self-confident person you were...especially when you grew up with an N parent...self-confidence? What's that?? Oh ya, it's something I had to figure out on my own.

But, the light is...I can be good to the people I care about, I can still do things to make myself feel better and maybe even that I'm helping someone else. But I think once with an N, S, P, there is definitely a loss of innocence.
Sorry if this was a downer, but I think it is what it is.

god bless you quietude

March 13, 2010 - 3:01am — Barbara (not verified)

thank you for GETTING IT

for me it's not about being a downer... as I even say to new members - maybe it's not what you want to hear but you finally do deserve the truth.

self-confidence? what's that? Psycho-Boy accused me of being "jealous" because he went after my friends and he wouldn't BANG me. LOL - you have to have self-confidence to be jealous. If someone didn't want me around - I began to take it as - here I go again... and I would just LEAVE. So he's so full of crap - because my exposing him was about something other than "jealousy."

The truth is no one is going to want a disabled, obese, old, mother of 2 kids who can't even get out of the house very often or for very long. And my PTSD is so entrenched now I realize I can only manage it. My disability is permanent too. My only income is Social Security and I am about $300 to $500 in debt every month. Lisa does give me a stipend but it's small. She has debt too yet pays for this site to be here! To me that shows me her heart's in the right place.

I have a place to live only because my exNH has to provide this for us. But believe me, I have thoughts every month about leaving this site because I am losing money I don't even have - but then my altruistic nature and commitment to Lisa and the members here stops me.

I really get a little fed up with the "rah rah - you can do it" talk. I think 'hope' for some of us just prolongs 'magical thinking.' I gave up on hope year's ago. It was a relief.

I prefer reality. This is one of the reasons narcnarc and I got along on the other forums we used to be along - and also why we were kicked off... people don't like to hear it but again - truth & honesty are huge for me.

NarcMother, 4 Narc boyfriends, 2 Sociopath boyfriends, 1 Narc ex-H, NarcBosses... sorry I am done. I prefer to put my energy into something positive & honest & helpful - the little energy I have left.

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

my old friend.

March 12, 2010 - 6:52pm — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

yeah. was always crazy about him.still am. thought about him many times over the years. he's divorced. been divorced for awhile i guess. we've known each other forever.. but i wouldn't want to subject him to what i am now. i prefer he remember 'her' as she was. but sometimes when we're talking i think how nice it would be to just curl up beside someone and sleep for awhile. someone i didn't have to be afraid was going to kill me. he's the only man in the world i can think of who i'd feel safe falling asleep beside.. and that in itself is sad.

My blog

Narcnarc

March 12, 2010 - 5:51pm — TexN (not verified)

Just wonderin, do u still have feelings for your friend & is he single?

Narcnarc

March 12, 2010 - 5:46pm — TexN (not verified)

Aww, narcnarc! You make me want to cry! You're still "her" ! She's in there dyin to come out & LIVE her life! Let "her" out! I'm sure you're a beautiful woman inside & out. We have to all remember, life is too short to waste! You should pretty yourself up & go listen to your friend's band somewhere! It will be nice to get out!!!

a galaxy far far away...

March 12, 2010 - 5:56pm — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

can't.. he's several states and a least one galaxy away...i feel like i have access to some dead woman's email and cell phone... and i'm just pretending to be her.. i wouldn't want him to see me, anyway... he's still beautiful.. but i'm not...

My blog

Narcnarc DON'T!!

March 12, 2010 - 6:08pm — seancunningham

Hey Narcnarc,

Don't lose your self confidence. This is what your exN wants. Don't feed into his craziness. You're still "her"!! You just need to coax her out again. She's hiding....but still there.

Treat yourself to a makeover tomorrow. Invite your crush to coffee. Drive the distance to see him. If you can't do that, keep the lines of communication open. Take a chance. This could be your ticket to a better life. You're worth it. Don't buy into N's lies about YOU. It's coming from a demented entity.

You deserve better!!!

Just what I was thinking today

March 12, 2010 - 5:01pm — Healingnow

Hi,

Thats exactly me right now..........who am I? I feel empty, where is my soul. It is so horrid walking around souless, but I must have a soul or I wouldn't be able to cry. It is nice that you have someone who knows who you were. Do you really think that person has gone forever 'her' I mean. Will it be a good thing that she has gone. Maybe it is because I know I used to put up with a lot more abuse before than I will now. That has to be a good thing. The realisation of the abuse is the hardest thing though. Makes me feel that my life has been wasted on just coping.

((((((NarcNarc))))))!

March 12, 2010 - 4:58pm — neveragain

Hugs to you NarcNarc....I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. It's so understandable and I hope that you feel supported through cyber-space with just knowing that you're being heard, and understood.

The girl you speak of isn't dead. She is still very much alive but she's hiding. She's been through so much, she needs help to heal her very hurt soul.

Being betrayed on such a deep level, would leave anyone feeling so very hurt and sad. If you picture that "girl" as a small child who was hurt by someone so awful, take her by the hand, give her a big hug, tell her you love her and will do everything you can to help her heal.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

Hugs,

neveragain

I agree. I spent so many

March 12, 2010 - 5:07pm — notadoormat

I agree. I spent so many years suffering the criticism and ridicule and believing what he was projecting on me to be my fault, that I myself, became very cynical and sarcastic. I had a very negative outlook on the world around me. Once I got away from him, I found I was a better mother, friend and person. I was slowly getting back to the "softness" that used to be me. It is nice to have someone in your life to draw attention to the things that are different about you now. That will help you morph back into the person you once were.

but that's the thing........

March 12, 2010 - 5:26pm — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

-----there's nothing to morph back into, it seems..i held my ground with the psycho..i fought back tooth and nail..i wouldn't let him make me his patsy..i KNEW who and what i was..until the day he murdered my dog BEN...he killed me that day..in a way i can't even articulate...with me too, it's like my soul has left my body...and there is no 'me' anymore...i'd pretty much gotten used to it...then my sweet old friend came along and reminded me that i'm dead..it's not his fault...i love my old friend...always have...
but when he says things like..'remember when we used to go down to river at night and watch the lights'...i 'remember' it sort like someone who has heard a story enough times remembers an event they were never really part of..hard to explain...
this guy is the one person in the world i know would never mean me harm..and sometimes i just want to go there..but i think if someone even touched me i would turn to dust...
instead of being a lost soul looking for it's body..i'm a lost body...who cannot find it's soul...
My blog

WE have spent

March 13, 2010 - 12:33am — rache

so much of our lives fighting for survival Narcnarc,that,i do not think we ever had the chance to even ~KNOW~who we were to start with.............(sighs)

Who is a winner here,,,

March 12, 2010 - 11:11pm — Amazed

Narcnarc,,who is a winner, caring, loving, gentle, compasionate person, you or the psycho N that I can't even believe the stories I hear about....

YOU are the winner person here.

On that horrible day, you broke free. You realized, for once and for all, that the N had hit rock bottom.

Room for no further discussion. He was to be out of your life. Ben was not to be out of your life,,LOVE was not to be out of your life,,,the loser,,the sociopath was and needed to be out of your life.

That day was life restoring itself to you.

Cut him clean,,in your mind, in your soul,,oh I know the feeling of being soulles..,,,the feeling of a shell,,i believe this is what the sociopath feels like all the time,,it is our absorbing of them that creates this likeness or symbiotic feeling from them,,,

You have to and must be proactive towards your life to restore it, rebuild it.

Leave everything if you have to.

I do now know your particular situation.

Step into the unknown. It has infinite posibilities.

You are an articuate, smart, caring, loving, competent and important person.

Go somewhere out of where you are, if you need support, research papers in an area where you could go.

There are options of room and board for those who will help in social services.

You don't have to make it your livlihood, think about your livlihood.

You have your party of friends,,your good guys pups there,,let the offer be known that they need to accompany you in your journey.

If you cant or don't want to do it, then mitigate the influence the N has in your life.

Call other states. Tell them your predicament, what has happened, how does their system deal with it.

How can you bring that support inside your own town.

I wish I had a better answer.

that beautiful girl

March 13, 2010 - 1:23am — venuslovedpluto

Is you. Narcnarc. You are still that girl. I know how you're feeling...wistful, lonely, like you're invisible maybe or so weighed down because you feel so complicated. I know that broken feeling. But for me...I do it when I'm feeling sorry for myself, romanticizing my state of heart. As if I'm outside of me, looking as messed up me, grieving for me. Wanting someone to see me. I don't stay there for long. I can't. That girl you're talking about is still you. You still are your same you, you have the same soul. Yes, life is going to change our views to a degree, will definitely change our circumstances, but nothing can steal your soul unless you let it. If you really want to "get back in touch" with that girl you thought you were (and still are)...think about the things that made you feel free then. Talk to your friend and just talk...without sad stories or woes. You can be whomever you want to be. That's the beauty of the human mind. No one can touch it in the most sacred places. You are in control of your thoughts and your mindset more so than you choose to believe. Try it...try waking up tomorrow morning and telling yourself that you are going to have a day that makes you feel serene and free and fun. Please? Maybe I'm all wrong but will you indulge me? (YOU? LOL) Just try it for one day and if I'm all wrong you can tell me that I'm a dreamer and I'm crazy. And hey...I'm not trying to make light of your hurt or your PTSD, I just know you are a beautiful soul...and noone and nothing has "stolen" you. It's too precious, you are. So, try it. Wear something that makes you feel feminine. Whimsical. Do things differently. A bit. If you usually get up and grab a quick shower and a muffin, take a long bath and go for a walk right after. Stop and look at plants and the sky. Take it in. Wear a little makeup maybe and your favorite necklace from when you were a kid. Something different, something that makes you feel new. Fresh. Put on some jazz, or whatever your favorite music is...or hell, maybe even something you'd normally never listen to...like reggae...and really feel it. Change your surroundings a bit, don't let your mind hang on negativity all day. Maybe it would do you good to stay away from this forum for a day even. It's an awesome support group but no one should be on here for hours every day, it's just not healthy.

I feel your pain, sweethearted beautiful girl, I do. But no one gets to take you from you. Do you hear me? You are strong as hell and you don't have to cry for the death of your heart. You should feed it and love it and treat yourself as precious. Be a little girl for a day. Look at things differently for just one day, try it. Really look. At organic things. The earth, the sky, water when you're washing your hands. Let yourself start to feel again. Life is all about perspective and balance, in my opinion. I empathize so much with your pain, I know the feeling you describe completely. Let yourself feel it...it's part of you. All of these facets are. Try to think of you that way, you have more facets now but you are not "lost", never to return. No way Jose. You get to decide that. Only you. You can seize it and change it. Choose not to sit in it. You are tougher than you know. Own it. You take can take pain and use it for strength. I see it in so many women here, it's awesome. Wake up tomorrow and channel that strong feminine spirit. Do it. She's already with you. Your friend doesn't think she's gone either I bet. ;)

No life to go back to

March 13, 2010 - 12:05pm — peacewarrior

I still do not go to Church for church stolen from me all for the n/P took with it a majority of acquaintances, a big community, friends, families I and my children had invested in and maintained relationships. When these psychos say "you'll have nothing, NO ONE, YOU'LL NEVER HAVE ANY FAMILY AGAIN!" it's the one time they make good on their promise.

When in individual situations one's physical health is also destroyed due to prolonged duress, insane situation out of one's control, no way out people can't relate to the physical debilitation of a body so depleted it can't wash dishes and do laundry. I was berated, abused for what I did to restore my physical health and use savings I was fortuneate to have to repair, recover and restore my health. These P's destroy our support systems. Mine threatened to destroy the careers of a prominent dentist, family practice doc and Rheumatologist, the psychiatrist..subpoening the they "lie to get all the money..engage in pathalogical lies with an insane woman". Who'd have imagined to get mono would put one's life in jeopardy you'd be destroyed and a doc too in harms way?

People don't expect a car with a transmission that fell out, no gas, no exhaust pipe, no oil to go on a road trip.

Sometimes I reflected that if a stranger, some nut case had held me or a person in my shoes hosstage and done this it would be big news and support come out of the woodwork.

How does one regroup, recover from intuition someone conning people they adding shit to the radiator so it blows up LOVE you is doing this shit to push you to kill yourself because he won't stop..stabbing your tire..terrorizing you someone else is preying on you..setting you up you are the batterer so he can beat you into submission lying you are psychotic?

Sometimes it was all I could do to not take the easy way out, to give up, lay down and die. There are days I could just get through a day..live through another day with relief when night fell. The first time I felt any safety again was when he died.

We, I need to remember to have realistic expectations of self day to day. There is no "snapping out of it, it's over!"no magic "happy pills (why the hell do people think pills morph someone completely??)I can't have someone understand the profund abuse that went on to control..wield, bully, batter me verbally just to change a furnace filter nor the ptsd going to do something so small..reliving insane abuse for cheap small maintenance item..opportuity to bully me..push me around with words..pyscho insane power over a little filter. Later the abuse humiliating to people I did not maintance..I abused him..etc. etc. It's remarkable progress to not freeze and process nightmeres of the past...and comprehnd how sick, cruel it was and how pervasive.
If a stranger raped me when I went to the grocery store then people would be kind and compassionate. If your spouse did..yo are a crazy person to be aversive to go to the grocery store. I had aversion to go to any doctor again..had trauma terros...terrifed after what someone could arrange and con people to do..for going to the doctor.

Today I shall do what I can and have gratitude for whatever I am capable of doing.

Amen, peacewarrior

March 13, 2010 - 4:52pm — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

"if a stranger raped me when I went to the grocery store then people would be kind and compassionate. If your spouse did..you are a crazy person to be aversive to go to the grocery store."
i know EXACTLY what you mean. my own neighbors have said that if the psychopath had tried to murder them in their driveway, that he would have been locked up and the key thrown away..and it's TRUE. f that bastard had robbed, pillaged, plundered, beaten, kidnapped, menaced, tortured and extorted a STRANGER he'd picked up on the street.he'd have been CNN HEADLINE NEWS.

but because he was married to me -it's like it wasn't a marriage license but like he BOUGHT me and could abuse me with wild abandon..and without consquences.

and yes, dear Peacewarrior like you the promise that he would destroy me was the only promise the psychonarc ever kept or intended to keep.

God bless you and keep you safe from the Monsters who walk among us.

Thank you for opening my eyes

March 13, 2010 - 2:35pm — wallaby (not verified)

No one should have to suffer as you, Narcnarc, Barbara and others have. What is killing me is the total denial and lack of support/understanding in our society for this situation. You are right - if you were taken by a stranger and this all happened everyone would be horrified. Instead no one believes the terrible truth. Being in a prison camp would be easier in many ways. At least the roles are apparent to all.

I am deeply pained and moved by your stories. Mine is nothing in comparison - there but for the grace of God go I - and it does make me want to help in whatever ways I can. I've never been "in conversation" with women who have endured so much. Truly. It is an important experience for me - an awakening - and makes me want to be involved in some way. Maybe through advocacy or something. I don't know.

Thanks for being so clear and honest - simply through that - you make a difference to so many here.

sense of self

March 14, 2010 - 11:59pm — venuslovedpluto

I don't know you, I'm aware, but I'm seriously worried about you, narc narc. How long has it been since you've taken a break from this forum?

venuslovedpluto

March 15, 2010 - 3:31am — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

-----frankly, i fail to see the oonnection between my PTSD, and the aftermath of of years of torture and torment at the hands of psychopath and the time i spend on this board! are you suggesting that my fellow victims of Narcissists and Psychopaths is what is 'bringing me down', as opposed to the PERP and my situation? Narcissists and Psychopaths are often called 'soul suckers'. there's a reason for that. they suck souls. my financial, emotional, and physical devestation at the hands of a psychopath and that of many other victims, can most certainly not be CURED with a 'break from this forum', or by a MUFFIN, and i think it is ludicrous for you to even suggest that.

I don't take pain and PTSD

March 15, 2010 - 12:12am — venuslovedpluto

I don't take pain and PTSD lightly but we have more power over our thoughts and mental state than we choose to believe. No, there is no happy pill. Unless you're an addict zombie. I know this kind of pain and trauma is hard core. But there is power in positive thinking. You can choose to wake up and change your routine slightly, take a one-day break from thinking about assholes. Try it? =(