Lisa E. Scott

This is how they operate

This is how they operate
Posted Thu, 03/11/2010 - 10:30

Can you imagine how these men operate to keep their women
on the hook, they must think like this: Gee suzie hasnt checked in with me for a few days better call to make sure she is still crazy about me, and I havent talked to patty, or carol, or whoever so better call them and tell them what they like to hear, but the pretend GF has been rather bitchy lately so I better lay low and give her some attention for a few days give her some good sex and play perfect husband so she feels loved and all and cathy is getting too emotionally involved with me and demanding way too much of my time so I have to think of some good excuses why I cant see her for awhile, currently I am working on a new supply giving her lots of honeymoon time to secure her trust and love so the old supplies will just have to wait their turn.

This is how they think, you almost have to think like one to understand how they do it, its so sick. All these women think he is the love of their life, except that damn Cynthia she got smart so I dont like her anymore. That is pretty much how they play games with peoples lives

‹ How Do They Do It? Getting Over the Reality ›

Cynthia - Plate Spinning analogy

Sat, 03/20/2010 - 22:57 — loveofmylife

I keep reading this post. It is so true - and it gives such insight as to how their minds must be operating. It is scary.

When the "email incident" occurred about 5 - 6 months ago, and I was horrified that he had probably 6 - 8 full blown relationships going on at the same time (all different kinds of full blown), I started talking to my counselor again to try to understand what was going on, and how could I have been so fooled.

Of course, my first question to her was - "is this normal???" "do guys act like this at this age, and I'm just naive???"

She gave an analogy that kind of supports your posting.

She said:
- no, this is not normal behavior.
- I can't tell from what you are telling me if he is a sexual addict, but there is something very off here.
- It is like he is one of those circus acts, spinning a dozen plates in the air on poles. And he has to keep all of the plates spinning. So when one plate slows down, he has to pay attention to it and keep it spinning again. And occasionally a plate will drop, but it is not that big of a deal. He needs to forget about that one and keep all of the other plates spinning.

This is the best mental picture of how these men work. And it really supports what you said Cynthia.

It is also an interesting analogy because it reinforces that their women (plates) are just objects and they are all the same and they are all replaceable. When I found him out and confronted him, I was the plate that broke and he had to forget about me.

But then he tries to resurrect it (because I do provide value to him). He calls like he did the other night and talked to me for 45 minutes just about stuff and helping me with the issues I'm dealing with. Its like he just has to get that plate spinning again and once he is satisfied that I'll spin for awhile longer, he can move on to the next plate and get it going again.

His Business in the Toilet

Fri, 03/19/2010 - 09:36 — seancunningham

Mine left his business in the toilet and wouldn't flush. I always had to go in later and flush it. Thought that was kind of odd.

THATS,because,

Sat, 03/20/2010 - 00:17 — rache

HE thought (HIS) SH.T didn't stink! LOL

wow

Thu, 03/18/2010 - 06:28 — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

the psychonarc is such a misogynist, he doesn't even like women's body parts!...his favorite part of a woman is her credit score....

narcnarc

Fri, 03/19/2010 - 09:53 — quietude

I'm glad you mentioned this, come to think of it...and I've talked about this before, my ex was not into my body really.
He'd come up and do some crude stuff to me, but other than that...even though he'd tell me I was sexy, he would NOT act like it???
I thought for a long time something was wrong with me, that he wasn't really attracted to me, especially sexually...he'd lay there and just expect me to WORSHIP him.
He'd expect me to 'know' when he's feeling a certain way. I grew so resentlful about it, that I'd act like I just wasn't catching the hints and roll over and go to sleep.

I made the mistake of voicing my concerns to him one time (and believe me, I was as gentle about it as I could have possibly been), and I got YELLED at ~ he was sooo hurt and insulted, and that I was criticizing him sexually??? Oh boy, I never did that again!!!

What you've said helps confirm what I've thought ~ he just dislikes women THAT much. My ex's favorite thing about women, I feel, is when they're in the "Madonna Role" in the N's eyes. He wants to be catered to, adored, and to have someone to dump all of his emotional martyr crap onto all the time. That is the PERFECT woman for him...

So True

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 19:20 — loveofmylife

This is the most amazing recap. It has been so hard for me to understand his behavior, this makes so much sense.
- the reason why he always canceled dates with me at the last minute; probably a new source of supply came through.
- the reason why he could never plan in advance - something better may come up.
- and once I found him out, and confronted him (got smart), I was torn apart to tiny pieces. He went on a rage and sent dozens of raging emails. Unfortunately, we still had to work together - but at one point I said "I don't think I can work with someone who is disloyal to our relationship and talks about me to other women to use me as chick bait". His response was "I will always talk to a few friends about issues I am going through". I would have expected a response like "I am so sorry I betrayed our relationship". In order words, he reserves the right to use me as chick bait with women he doesn't even know in the future. He told me that he wants no more personal relationship with me at all (after 20 years), but he still wants a business relationship. How do you do that!?

He says he can compartmentilize and do that. In other words, use me for work. He has used that word compartmentalize so many times, I could puke! He says it like it is a virtue - like it is a good thing - And he talks about being an expert at boundaries. In other words, he can string along a woman as far as he wants and stops it right before she wants to go further (e.g. stops it just right before sex, or when she proposes to him - stops it right there and breaks up, or if it is emotional and she wants to now move on to a committed relationship or a physical relationship - stop it right there. Does anyone else see this in their NPD? And again, the wierd thing is, he talks about this like it is a virtue, like it makes him superior to me because he can have these kinds of boundaries (take from women exactly what he wants to take and no more)
- and yes, using the pretend girlfriend just for sex. He told the pretend girlfriend all he wanted for his bday was to "do" her. I would take that as a huge insult. Does anyone else find that extremely insulting! Its like you are just a empty hole to him.

Another question - is NPD the same as being a "Player"?

Exactly the same comments, Loveofmylife

Fri, 03/19/2010 - 13:55 — wallaby

God I had the same conversation with my N - he didn't use the word "compartmentalize" but he described the SAME THING. ookie spooky. Like they violate boundaries relentlessly (all the seduction and crossing into your space, mind etc and then call it "setting boundaries" when they really just want to isolate someone's purpose in their lives - like have them be particular object for them. "You r my go to work gal, Suzy is my screwdriver, etc". What's odd is that even when they say it outright they don't even feel ashamed - proud rather of their mental control. They don't even know how a normal human mind works - they are just proud of their sickness!

omg wallaby

Fri, 03/19/2010 - 18:04 — loveofmylife

yes, it is so wierd!

He constantly violated all kinds of personal boundaries with me (but I loved it). I was married, and no other man has crossed all of the boundaries he crossed. Even early on, when we would hug goodbye, it was never a good guy friend hug goodbye. He would give me a lonnnnggg hug, that was pretty sensual and sigh and look me in the eyes.

But then when I say "i thought you were interested in a relationship with me" - the boundary think would come up. How it is a virtue that he can control his boundaries and I must be weak cause I can't control mine. And he can't help me with my problem. And yes, there was no shame involved whatsoever. The fact that I "misinterpretted" when he asked me if I still slept with my husband as him showing romantic interest was my issue. And he would never think that way about me because of his superior mental control. I was the crazy/offbase one misinterpretting his innocent, friendly comments and body language.

And when he decided he wanted no more personal relationship, but he did want the business relationship - I didn't even know how to respond. My response was "why do you think you can choose which part of me you want. I want the whole ball of wax. Doesn't it matter what I want?"

But he is successfully splitting me apart, only taking what he wants. If I write him an email with business and personal stuff in it, he only respond to the business part, not even the personal part - like how I am feeling about the death of my father - even though he knew my father and even a casual friend would respond to that.

I so get that, Loveofmylife

Fri, 03/19/2010 - 18:25 — wallaby

Mine does the same in email. Chooses what he responds too. SO freaking annoying - it's part of that feeling no obligation to answer a direct question thing. Mine once told me not to wax my pubic hair. What??? Talk about personal boundary violations - but that is how they seduce -because we LIKE IT -we find it titillating -at least at first. And we also think it means more than it does. And they let us think it means more (and then say "I never meant THAT") as it hooks us in. It really doesn't mean anything other than it gets them high from being able to do it and that we let them (and feel excited about it). Aren't they powerful and desirable. Then things go to hell in handbasket when we want them out from under our skin and suddenly all that once sexy boundary crossing feels invasive and intrusive and like the emotional rape that it is....

if you were ONLY BUSINESS with him he would change that compartmentalizing real quick. He needs to have you drooling and longing for him. If you aren;t he will do what it tkes to get you back - including all that overly personal empathic bullsh**.

But really... you just need to "wash that Narc right out of your hair". Yanking his chain can go horribly wrong too - as they are masters at a game we only just found out about.

My ex psychopath

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 11:41 — rache

is almost 67 and remembers names and stuff he WANTS to like a machine.

cynthia

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 11:32 — quietude

That is a good analysis...what a scary place...their HEADS!! ewww

dysenchanted, yes...It might be more like, 'I wonder what that chick with the big rack is doing tonight?'... although she's not as adoring of me as that college chick with the curly blonde hair and long legs...'

Okay, have to stop now...too creepy!!!

This is how they operate

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 11:13 — dysenchanted

I agree except...I doubt that they go to the trouble of remembering names. They just call everyone "hon", "babe" or "gorgeous". Makes everything easier for them.

dysenchanted

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 11:54 — on the mend

I agree.
Mine most always called me 'darlin'.
I honestly hated it.

I know he called one of he ex's 'darlin' ...
and probably all the women he was ever involved with.

In the span of a year, I could probably count on ONE hand the number of times he called me by my name. I felt very 'discounted', that he always called me 'darlin'. Maybe because he did not treat me like a 'darlin' ...

Just like the "I love you" thing? He said it over and over and over and in emails, over and over and over. And for awhile, he kept trying to get me to say it all the time. I couldn't stand that either. (Who says "I love you" constantly ... except maybe a N????)

But mostly, it bothered me just awfully, that he kept saying he loved me but I did not feel loved. Talk about cognitive dissonance! It felt like the Twilight Zone!

I never heard "I love you" so much in my whole lifetime as when I was with him, and I never felt less loved.

I am so glad that insanity is over ...

Honey

Fri, 03/19/2010 - 11:04 — Scooters Mom

Mine calls me Honey, So much that when his grandkids started talking they started calling me Honey. They are now 5 and 6 and still call me that because they think it is my name!

Exactly

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 10:48 — The Girlfriend ...

A very good description of the way they seem to think...no concern for what they are doing and how it affects their wife/GF or OW...and no care about the hurt/damage they cause to other's lives...

Their only concern is with their own 'needs'...and getting as much supply from as many sources as possible...no remorse...nor concern...

It is incomprehensible to us to even wrap our heads around how they think.

This is a good illustration, Cynthia...helps us see how we really mean nothing...except in terms of how much 'supply' they can get from us. They just 'juggle' their various sources of supply and try not to get caught...not that getting caught matters either...except for a possible loss of one of their 'sources'...

And heaven help you once you figure them out! That is like the kiss of death to them...! That is when they begin to D & D you in earnest.

looking at you like you are meat

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 13:58 — Barbara

Psycho-Boy once told me "I go out for lunch (midtown Manhattan) and every single woman I see, no matter what her age, looks, etc... ALL I CAN THINK IS 'I wonder what her p*ssy looks like and feels like' - I am so sick! I know I need help but I refuse to talk to anyone."

Yeah, thanks for that admission. Moments of honesty mixed with casual cruelty...

then I learned all Sexual Narc/Psychos think pretty much the same way.

how would you ladies like this (shown with wifey):
http://www.jtsa.edu/Supporters/Regional_Offices/Long_Island_Regional_Off...

...checking you out like you were meat on the street?

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

'I wonder what her p*ssy looks like and feels like'

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 16:44 — cynthia

ya then when they have had it they are done with ya as far as the con they put on to get it. That is your typical sex addict my counselor always told me it was never about you or how classy or pretty or this or that you were, its always about the genitals, infact when we were first together it was like he couldnt wait to see my private parts, and I was very bashful, and he said, oh you have a nice looking p---y,turning the lights on and inspecting it like some gyno, I know for men its visual but thats all he cared about didnt care about how good it was to be with me and hold me nothing like that at all and no shame on their part he just pulled his thingy out like we had been married for years, He must be used to all those prostitutes he pays just walk in the room and strip and think nothing of it. THere were sooo many signs that he thought NOTHING of a new partner when having sex it was a common thing for him.

he has those fixated eye Barbara

Sun, 03/21/2010 - 07:36 — cynthia

they all do, eww cought mine in another lie, he mad a comment when I go to Vegas I dont like to gamble at all, I thought thats odd you told me you were at vegas only once in your life, so he is a frequent to vegas so he can pay for his sex dreams to come true, I figured that much, bet he pays for the top dollar ones too.

Vegas-

Sun, 03/21/2010 - 22:28 — rache

Tiger Woods hunting/preying ground too.....

yuck!

Tue, 03/16/2010 - 14:55 — Scooters Mom

OMG, I experienced the same thing. Mine couldnt get a hard on (with me) so would just get 6 inches away from my vagine and masturbate. Ugh, so wrong. Looking at it like a computer screen.

P*ssy

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 17:24 — rache

My old psychopath called his exes camel-toes,and,he had to wipe his d..k off to get traction......probably because of his ED limp.....floppy noodle they felt weird.....

Yes-my ex would txt me and

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 17:17 — enoughalready

Yes-my ex would txt me and ask how were my "titt#*s" or "l#+k" everything sexual. Not a how r u today or how are u feeling? He viewed me as a sexual object. I didn't realize all of this til things didn't sound or feel "right". I have always made love and he was the first one I felt as if we only had "sex". That should have been a red flag, but I was already in his web of illusion.

crude body parts he referred to

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 20:36 — cynthia

This is rather crude but its his words NOT MINE, referred to me as a body part, his favorite was when are you going to come visit me and wrap your p---y lips around my Dick, I should have told him well if it ever stays erect for more than 30 seconds I would give it a try Mr E.D. Or better yet I should have said when are you ever going to be erect!!!! He was so sexually messed up he couldnt even have sex like a normal man if you marry one you will become asexual so whats the point, might as well live with your brother.

Cruder

Wed, 03/17/2010 - 03:18 — rache

My ex psychopath called me while i was doing dishes and said guess what i'm doing? I said what are YOU doing?He said i got vaseline on my finger,and,i got it past my first knuckle! I said i'm going to do the dishes(i hang up phone/turns it off)-he,calls my son,i,turn back on phone,he,calls-says i stopped doing what i was doing-YOUUUUUUUUU broke the mood! I said i'm so sorry i broke the mood of you having your finger up your a**! He has bragged about his tight a** hole before,and,that it was tighter than my pu**y.I wish i would have said i doubt that as your head is UP it most of the time.

Bragged about a tight a**hole???

Thu, 03/18/2010 - 08:35 — TexN

Oh how disgusting! These sick perverts are not real men! I can't imagine my macho brothers talking much less bragging about their "tight a**holes"...That is freakin disgusting!!! Sick f****r probably smells his finger afterwards! LMAO!!!

I'd bet

Sun, 03/21/2010 - 22:33 — rache

he did,as,he said he wanted to stick his tongue up mine and have me DO him............

gross

Thu, 03/18/2010 - 09:12 — cynthia

mine smelled like ass one time when I was down there being intimate with him, no shit - I have heard some dont wipe, ewwwwww I mean it was BAAAAAAD, I couldnt believe it I didnt want to embarass him, being the nice person I am, It almost gagged me, I thought geez you must have took a BM before we got together, a shower afterwards would have been nice.

BARFS

Sun, 03/21/2010 - 22:35 — rache

happened to me once too Cynthia,and,his being only 6 inches and limp wasn't far from THE tight A-hole,LMAO(pukes)

I'm an RN and I can smell

Fri, 03/19/2010 - 09:20 — enoughalready

I'm an RN and I can smell crap and everything else far away. I would refuse to go down there and wouldn't say anything to avoid hurting his feelings. But when I finished working out for 2 hrs running and lifting weights, he has the nerve to tell me I smell like a sweaty person. Well-i told him exactly how I felt about his lack of hygiene and how grossed out I've been for years!!! As if their #*it doesn't stink!!

mine wiped

Fri, 03/19/2010 - 08:43 — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

he wiped his dirty ass on my towels, and upholstery, and the bed linens, then blamed it on my dogs! he left giant skid marks that looked like a semi truck had tried to slam on the brakes in the middle of the sofa!

grosssssssss!!!

Fri, 03/19/2010 - 09:33 — quietude

This is one thing I thankfully escaped from having to endure with mine.
He was the opposite. Very maticulous, clean, well groomed, always smelled really good.
But he was very quirky with everything being perfect and orderly elsewhere too...drove me nuts, which conveniently created a lot of criticism and abuse aimed at me...

Clean

Fri, 03/19/2010 - 11:06 — enoughalready

I've always been a clean freak w/ some OCD tendancies. I take 3-4 showers per day. Yes, I've been to counseling for that as well. But knowing all this, I know I've been brainwashed as I've accepted the lowest of the low of cleanliness.

enoughalready

Fri, 03/19/2010 - 11:19 — quietude

Well, I think we all have a little OCD???... some more than others...but he used this against me in many ways. I also have a mom like this, N as well.

My ex would be annoyed if his knife drawer was not perfect and lecture me about neatness and having pride. And the kitchen always had to be perfect in general. He always criticized me about my sock and intimates drawers. He'd go in and straighten everything and fold things a certain way, and then TELL me that's how it SHOULD look. I HATED him going into my personal little drawer, it felt like an invasion, and he made me feel like a slob, even though I'm far from it. Oh, and my shoes had to be a certain way...I did not want him touching my shoes, I am really private, despite having an intimate relationship with him. That probably stems from having a mother like this!!

He'd criticize me about the way I did things...the most common of tasks, and felt like he had to show me HOW it's really done! I got to the point where if I thought I might be working on something he'd give me crap about, I would hide it, or do it when he wasn't paying attention...since he was ALWAYS around.

He would tease me about some personal things too, that I'd rather not mention. So much of what he did connected with this hurt my self-esteem and made me feel like a loser.

I highly doubt your tendancies has turned you into an abusive person because of it. It is interesting to see the other end of the spectrum, though...always lots to learn about how these guys operate!

Mine was a neat freak too

Fri, 03/19/2010 - 18:15 — Nothanx

I loved the way he smelled, so fresh. He was horribly critical of my way of doing anything, and he would often give me lessons on the proper way to handle kitchen tools. I am forty two years old, so I know a thing or two about how to cook. He is totally OCD and had to wash his hands all the time. The routine was wash, then hand sanitizer, then lotion, finally chap stick. He was also VERY fond of giving himself anal pleasure. He even had is own toy. He loved to wear my undies,garter belt and stockings. Very strange person!

quietude

Fri, 03/19/2010 - 11:32 — enoughalready

Having a dog and kids pretty much lowered my OCD expectations. I've learned to accept things as to not make my life and everyone around me miserable. But being under the influence of a lies and deceptions for 5 yrs- I still find myself irritable and mean and feel terrible when I snap at my boys for something kids normally do. I use to go to bible study until I met him. I rarely swore, but find myself cussing. Sometimes- I feel like an ugly person inside-i've never felt like that. I've been reading "people of the lie" by scott peck. Recommended by u or wallaby. And it has really opened my eyes. He hangs around men who cuss a lot and go out to bars. I always told him- "u r who your friends r". and unfortunately, I've noticed I've adopted a little bit of his foul language. I'm working on that as well. And going back to reading the bible as I always have in my life. I miss myself and the way I use to look at life. To give everyone the benefit of doubt, to be friendly and courteous to everyone around u.I have to learn to trust again. I love this website and everyone here. I learn so much from everyone.

Quietude

Sun, 03/21/2010 - 01:00 — TexN

I too find myself acting like the narc sometimes. I have to control myself from getting road rage. Each & every single time i was in the car with him some "idiot" would piss him off. I also have a foul mouth i didn't have before. I heard the F word so much, now i have to bite my tongue from saying it. My fuse is shorter than its ever been. One of my sons told me, "Mom, you're always yelling!" I don't want them to think of me like that but since the narc, I have absolutely no patience for anything!!!!

The cussing thing (for those with kids)

Mon, 03/22/2010 - 00:04 — wallaby

YOu know - two N's in a row did my mouth in too - so we got 3 "cuss jars" so if I cuss I owe them each a dollar in their jars if they cuss they give me a dollar in mine. But they hardly ever cuss - so they made a fortune off me in the first couple weeks, SO I added "name-calling" to the infractions (alongside cussing) l - finally got some dollars flowing my way LOL. I mean I never call my kids names but they call each other names occasionally (i.e. "no Stupid, "Little Whiny girl" etc.). I really works - I definitely have way slowed my cussing way down (only one penalty called on me this week), and the name-calling has dropped too. And the openess and them seeing me working on myself is good. And it adds humor and democratic principles to the family system!

parts... not a person

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 22:25 — Barbara

Psycho-Boy was always BEGGING me to send him pictures of my breasts and nether-region. I was APPALLED. Then I got loads of pictures of his "little friend" (as he called it)

he was disinterested in my face... and even said my obesity due to illness & meds was NO BIG DEAL (of course now he says I was so gross he couldn't "bang" me... I don't "bang" anyone!)

this article says it all: http://www.youareatarget.com/nikita.html#He_sent_me_the_perfect_symbol_o...

Psycho-Boy works every shabbos at his temple- greeting people, finding them seats, etc. That way he gets a chance to size up all the female meat I bet. Even the old ones.

All those complaints about how HORRIBLE his wife was sexually and how he 'had to have Vitamin V (Viagra) just to be with" her - WAS ALL HIM!!!! He's Sociopath, a misogynist and a filthy piece of worm excrement. I feel sorry for his kids.

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

ugggh

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 22:54 — wallaby

You guys - it just sounds awful what these creeps say. Even though I never had sex with my N, he used to tell me (after our initial phone sex sessions) to make sure not to wax as he liked his p**sy's warm and moist and hairy "like a jungle". That was one of my many WTF moments - how dare you assume I will or won't wax based on what you like -I mean it is my body part -I will do as I please with it!!!