I think, looking back, that there were odd disconnects with my N husband. And, I was rushed into a relationship. An instant couple. I was lonely. He was very self-absorbed in his work. I made excuses for him because he had just started a new job in a new country with a new language. Also, really very little personal information of substance. No memories of happy times in past relationships.

And he said things. His first wife said he was "an abyss." How true. Lack of connection with his personal history. Everything was so theoretical & abstract. Pets did not have names. Pets did not do funny things. No happy memories of occasions with his daughter. No stories of her growing up. A lack of adventures. Absence of bad memories as well. A vacant feeling.

Stretching the truth. I saw the first flashes of anger, impatience, and the weeping early on. But, I did not understand. But, I had a bad feeling in my gut at times. I felt afraid of the display of emotion. But I ignored those nagging doubts. On paper he was perfect. Well-employed, educated, good manners, well-dressed, ex-wife & child in another country. Also, I met the parents who adopted me instantly. Couldn't do enough for me. I think he came to America to recreate himself after running aground in his own country.

Our wedding was planned for less than two weeks away. He got angry with me. I told him I was afraid of him. Rather than stopping his behavior because I was afraid, he said: "If you are afraid we cannot marry. My first wife was afraid of me. If you are afraid, the marriage will never work." A marriage scheduled in less than 10 days with such an announcement. I didn't understand. It became my fault that I was afraid & I took that criticism upon myself, as he wished. There was nothing wrong with what he was doing, I was wrong to be afraid. An interesting trick of turn around. After I married him, I learned quickly. The rages, tantrums, threats started within 3 months of the marriage. The words he dropped about the ex-wife finding him to be an abyss & that she was afraid of him--I understood.

Listen very carefully to what they say. The truth is embedded in the manufactured mythology. ANd, if one ever feels rushed, pressed, no time to think or consider. Financial pressures. The unsettling need to make immediate decisions and committments without any real reason. Beware!

After I left my N husband, a man befriended me. Within a three months of platonic friendship, I saw the "controlling" behaviors. Suddenly announcing, we were leaving. That's it--outta of here. No explanation why. the second time it happened, I told him to leave. I would go home alone. he insisted on taking me. But then he was rushing, walking 10 paces ahead of me. I said, Hey too fast. He said, A person from NYC (me) should be able to walk fast. That was the last I ever saw of him. Controlling & demeaning. I was never available to see him again. He got the message. He had an excessive interest in me, for example, an outfit I ordered on the internet. Flattery. And a veiled press to loan him money. An excessive energy, a peculiar frenzy. Use of alcohol. Magical thinking. And, odd statements about women using sex to control men. I just walked away. Things were not adding up. I can never know for sure. But, just did not pass the "tummy test." Now I follow my "intuition." If I feel uncomfortable, but don't know why, go with the feeling.

And, I agree, I feel very shy & hesitant to ever get involved again.

As for me, well, after my experience with such an incredible actor (Narc/Psychopath)...I am not even inclined to date ever again! However, if I DO meet someone I may be interested in who is interested in me...I will completely do the most thorough background check possible...and I mean practically an 'intel' version of a background check...VERY complete!

One of my close friends and I will be starting a private investigations company to specialize in 'safe dating' for women...because of what we have experienced with a couple of pathologicals...and we plan to work on getting the word out about psychopaths/ Narcs/anti-social traits to help protect other women in relationships.

My 'Prince Charming' appeared to be the BEST, most wonderful man I had ever met, and he was able to keep up the facade for over a year without a 'clue' or RED Flag...He was practically TOO perfect, in hindsight. If I had done a background check on this 'great guy' who projected an image of being extremely smart, romantic, loving, positive, polite 'tall, dark & handsome' educated, employed, and who seemed to come from a 'good family'...and who seemingly had every positive trait a woman could hope for in a mate...

...I would have found out that he had more than one arrest for rage, abuse & violence...had even gone to Jail & Trial for domestic violence (which means it had to be VERY bad to get that far, and the police had even arrested him on the Golf Course...after taking his wife and 2 sons into protective custody and hiding them for over 4 months...I would have found there had been numerous calls to the police from other women whom he assaulted while dating, including several restraining orders obtained by various people who knew him. His brother is a News Reporter, and even HE doesn't want his brother (my EX psychopath BF) near his wife without his presence and invitation...My EX BF had been arrested for assault and 'death threats' for beating up someone in a road rage situation...and it went to trial too...he has been convicted of child abuse for emotional/verbal abuse and beating up his own darling little boys...etc.etc.etc.

His whole family played a part in 'hiding' my EXBF's history, as they were so thrilled when we were dating at first and treated me like a princess too...(they all disparaged his EX-wife, and other EX's telling me that each of them was 'no good' and 'not the BEST', but to them for a time I was 'perfect'...I think they looked to me to be the CURE for his past behavior...since he seemed very happy with me...and they all tried to convince me that I 'was the best thing that ever happened to him'...that is until years into the relaitonship when he started actively abusing me verbally/emotionally ,lying, cheating (from the beginning and I never knew)...and also he physically beat me and I had to stay in a Women's Shelter for over a month to heal and for my protection. Then of course his family was blaming me and very dissappointed that I was not able to 'help' him and that I must not be the 'right' woman after all...because in their theory...He wouldn't abuse, lie.cheat on or beat up & rage at the 'right woman'...who would be perfect and virtuous in every single way...even though they know all the things he has done (even beat up his own mother on more than one occasion)...they still tell him all the time that 'He deserves 'the BEST'...and his problems stem from him being with 'flawed women who are 'not the BEST'...anyway (just going out in left field on a rant for a minute)

If you met this man...or saw him in person...you would never believe him capable of this behavior. Not until you witness one of his tantrums and rages...over nothing...

He is one of the scariest people I have ever met...because you CANNOT tell he is a sociopath...not for a VERY long time...