Well, since I last wrote here I have been seeing a therapist. It's going well and he says I have indeed been tortured and "dodged a bullet." He says the N did me a favor and now I can go and live a fulfilling life without being abused in the ways that I can't comprehend. This therapist had seen "us" only one time as a couple and he told me that he felt so sorry for me and could totally see through the N game in only 1 session. He said the N was total textbook and loved "appearing" like a god to everyone around him.

I let out a LOT of emotion my first session with "why did he pick me to do this to? What did I do wrong? What could I have done?" The therapist says I would have either killed myself or the N would have killed me...I believe him.

Now I'm still struggling with the wedding coming up and seeing the N lavish this woman with a fairytale wedding. It makes me sick to look back and see what a piece of garbage I was treated like. They've been living together almost instantly before the ink dried on the divorce papers, but for some reason them sealing the deal is tough for me to digest.

When I couldn't go to the store to get Clorox Wipes, she is getting a custom designed dress from New York...that he's paying for. (I have a very good source for my info) He's putting everything on a nice silver spoon for her while I was treated like a step child and got a Spork! I know I've rambled this same song for a long time, but I just don't get it. Does he just not want to be alone so he goes back with a woman from 12 years ago? The woman who waited in the wings for our marriage to fail?

I WANT THEM TO FAIL!! I want her to see the fury in his eyes, the spit project from his mouth like a rabid dog, the famous index finger pushing on her nose/in her face, the insults of what a sponge she is, taking away her car keys so "she won't spend his money"...but all that won't happen to her, she's perfect, she has a job, she makes her own money, she makes kissing his ass a true art, she showers him with affection and makes him a "man", she's sweet, she's older, she waited and now she's finally getting what she wants at 38yrs old. I want her to sit in that house and feel like the prisoner that I felt like.

It's just hard for me to look back and even though I had a terrible marriage, I was always worried about her and that they didn't have closure to their relationship. And now, after all these years the thing I worried about has come true. I don't know why he just didn't marry her to begin with. They dated 2 years and he married me after 5 months? I just don't get it...maybe my brain is too fried to even try to get what their relationship is about.

Every time I think I'm moving forward, something brings me in reverse and I start doubting myself all over again. I'm tired of that cycle...I have a beautiful DD that needs me to be healthy and happy. But the thoughts are so good at eating away at me at bedtime and sometimes I still wake up in cold sweats with anxiety and fear. Why does he still have control over me?