Hi!

My parents separated for a year when I was in 4th grade. My N father decided that he needed to "experience the world."

Although I hated visiting him, and he did outrageous things (like breaking into our house and stealing our furniture when I was at school because he couldn't wait for the written division of property- I came home to an empty house), I do believe that that year would have led into many more years of relief from being away from him.

Although my mother was not all there, and I had to raise my little sister when I was 8 and she was 5, it would have been better than what eventually did happen.

After a year, my parents reconciled and I was under the same roof with this man. I endured years of psycho-sexual abuse and have struggled throughout my youth with eating disorders and addictions.

I am better than good now...in my early 40's, I am very happy (and on an anti-depressant which keeps my very steady from flashbacks and anxiety)...but this was after years of not being ok with him around.

They eventually got divorced when i was in my 20's, and I became his defacto wife- it was crazy, crazy shit. Eventually after a huge nasty fiasco, I was able to disengage and cut him off. I am free of him forever and I feel amazing just for that one reason.

My advice as an ACON- better to have him out of the daily home than in it. Your child will see him for what he is eventually and you can help her do this as she gets older- and help ammeliorate the damage. She can choose no contact later, which is the best thing.

I don't quite fit the bill with two N parents - but maybe something her will click for you (I have two kids 12 an 9, boy and girl). I work hard to make up for my N parents with my kids (who have a N dad). Before I answer though I have to say that I have not remained totally neutral as far as their N dad is concerned. They both have seen me lose it with him a couple times and I have said things indicating how I feel to them in extreme moments. This has made my daughter feel she needs to be on his "side" and I regret that (she feels sorry for him and he reinforces the "victim" bull). However, I continually try to back off my experiences with him and just talk to them about theirs. My son will rarely go and stay with him anymore (he's 12) and he came to that decision on his own - nothing to do with my influence - he feels his dad drives him nuts (ya he drives everyone nuts). And he is worse with my son than my daughter. My exN has no money so he has no recourse to fight this legally which is good. My daughter goes to be with 3 nights a week but is sensitive and is frequently crushed by what we call his "insensitivity". I am able to laugh with her about it at times and just help her advocate for her needs herself with him(I have stepped in directly with him when it involved health issues).

For instance he can't make a turkey sandwich for her school lunch to save his life - he never buys the right stuff that she likes. So, in problem-solving this lunch problem with her, we came up with how she should write the names of the various ingredients she likes from mom's house and when he goes to the market she will be his "helper" and find those items... and she will make the lunch herself (pathetic I know but she is proactively coping with her needs and not leaving it up to him to frustrate her one more time). Now if he refuses to buy the list then it will be obvious to everyone including her what a self-centered sadistic jerk he is. Them knowing the truth BUT FROM THEIR OWN EXPERIENCES not yours is crucial - and just being there to neutrally (and sometimes with humor) deal with it is the best I have come up with. (and I definitely screw up with expressing my contempt for him at times but I try not to and she still confides in me so that is good). I think it best they have no illusions about what they re dealing with with an N. Set up for spinning fantasies and poor reality-testing later in life (like I have!)

Do you associate w/ N parent at all now?
Both my parents were N (Dad deceased - mom in 70's) - but my mother had a greater capacity to make up for her N by getting help (live-in), by having lots of other folks around (including my step-dad who was not an N) and by not focusing on me -so I was free of pursue friendships and forge other relationships. Some N's focus on their child as a target of their N (like my child must do this so I can get more attention). My mom did not do that as she got enough attention from other folks (men mainly). That was a blessing

What made you feel the most loved as a child?
I hardly ever felt loved with two N parents. But when my mom was relaxed and in a good mood she could be affectionate and that felt good.

Did you know your N parent was "different" than other adults when you were a child?

I knew the alcoholism (in both) was different - but no, I did not know they were different as people go. It's cliche - but it's all I knew - all the bad stuff I thought was about me- I was just not good or whatever enough. Kids do that as I'm sure you know. My mom was exceptionally beautiful and my dad a classic gorgeous narc -so many peope envied me their beauty and affluence (haha on me....)

How has being an ACON positively and negatively influenced your parenting style with your own children?

I am very aware of letting my kids have their feelings and experiences and being engaged in helping them express them and not judging them for it. I tell them how crucial feelings are in them getting to know what they like and don't like - and avoiding things that feel badly to them ("wow X said that to you at school - what did that feel like - what do you think about that -what do you want to do about it? etc) . (I was judged terribly for having feelings by my mom and my dad had so many big outbursts/tantrums feelings there was no room for mine) And my work with them on this (not judging, listening, laughing with them, and sharing with them times when I felt such and such shows. My kids are able to say what they are feeling and even to reflect on what is happening in the dynamics of a situation and what might work to help them feel better when they are feeling bad. I reinforce over and over that no feelings are bad, even angry, jealous, mean feelings. That they are important and crucial in telling us what is and is not working in situations and in learning about ourselves. "Pay attention to your feelings". Good ones, happy ones tell you important things and life should be filled with joy - how can you make your life happy if your not sure what things make you happy? What do you love to do, what do you hate to do etc....

Do you/ have you ever felt unhealthy N tendencies yourself?

yes. I have low resilience and when I am stressed out it can be hard to put my children's needs first and not stress them out too. But I am working on it and 90% of the time I feel pretty good about how i am doing with them. I still feel guilt mainly over the level of emotional preoccupation their dad N and my recent love interest N have caused as i know I can't have been as focused on their needs as I should have as I was just trying to keep myself together.

Hope this helps in some small way - eager to her what other say too.

minimize their contact with the Nparent

model empathy, compassion, sharing and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for them as often as you can.

validate anything they tell you about the Nparent - DO NOT MINIMIZE OR COVER IT UP. (ex: "yes, I know your Dad can be like that" NOT "Oh Dad didn't mean it like that!" - just validate don't analyze... they'll figure it out.)

GET THEM to a children's therapist who gets it about Ns and will report to you monthly
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If your parents were divorced did you dislike visiting your N parent?
My parents were briefly separated and I resented that my Dad LEFT ME with NMom and gave me no out. I left as soon as I was able to and never looked back. My Dad was in my NarcMother's thrall. (His mother was a Narc also.)

Did you feel you could not talk to your "normal" parent about things that N said or did while you spent time with them? Was there anything "normal" parent could have done to help you open up more?
see my comment about validating. My Dad always backed up, minimized or tried to make logic out of my NarcMother's behaviors. He'd even accuse me of 'overexaggerating.' NOT.

Do you associate w/ N parent at all now?
She died in 2000. Before that - as little as possible. There were 2 LONG periods of NO CONTACT. And thank god for answer machines... I was able to erase rants.

What made you feel the most loved as a child?
My maternal grandmother who just hugged me, told me she loved me, showed quiet support and admiration for what I did, showed up for events and never made a scene. I didn't have to prove myself to her, she loved me the way I was and didn't call me a "freak" or tell me "no man would ever love me" or that I was "useless." She did not value OBJECTS over myself or my sibling and she kept my NarcMother from cutting my throat with a carving knife.

Did you know your N parent was "different" than other adults when you were a child?
I had a feeling but once I went away to college - it smacked me in the face. I could never put my finger on it. Wasn't until I learned about Nism in 2002 that her behavior made sense. I knew she was sick by the time I was 19 or 20 but what exactly was wrong - I had no clue.

How has being an ACON positively and negatively influenced your parenting style with your own children?
No negatives, I only doubt myself. Positively - I show unconditional love and support. I let them choose their own interests, support their decisions when possible and offer guidance not dictatorial control.

Do you/ have you ever felt unhealthy N tendencies yourself?
Only until I was able to differentiate HEALTHY Narcissism from UNHEALTHY Narcissism. Then I was able to see I had none of the latter. That took therapy.

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The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

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