Lisa E. Scott

ACONS

ACONS
Posted Wed, 03/10/2010 - 10:20

I've talked about this before, always wondered what was wrong with dear old Mom all these years, and didn't quite put it together until after I figured out my ex-fiance was an N. The lightbulb finally went on!

She's was DX'd with a stage three rare cancer last fall, and has almost no signs of it now due to surgery and lots of chemo.
Anyhoo...I have mostly been estranged from her, but talked to her a few times during the ordeal (sent her some stuff, etc)...she's been 'nice', and I did my daughter duty by checking on her.

All this time, I'm thinking ya, she's sick...but now would be a good time for her to make ammends with all of us kids??
Well, I wasn't holding my breath ~~ but knock me over with a feather ~~ she actually told one of my sisters recently, now that she's older and thinks back about life with us kids "she wishes she could have a "do over" and spend more time with each of us and do some things differently." (This is the same woman who has always said she thinks she is a great mom who did her best, pre-cancer!)

Ummm, helloooo! Thanks for realizing this after your neglect/rage/narcissism had such a huge effect on my life. Still, no personal call to me...I guess she expects my other sister to pass it along. LOL
No big question here, just venting, really...to those of you who might have N parent(s)and can relate.

‹ What are some good questions to ask a new guy? Wow i have just experienced the hypnosis ›

parents not Narcs... brother: TURBO NARC

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 05:02 — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

my brother is a Narc... but my mothers and grandmother and and great aunts made him one... he was born with asthma... nearly died as a baby... and that was his get out of jail free card forever... he was a horrible Narc as a child.. my brother would only eat vanilla ice cream.. i loved chocolate.. but there was NEVER chocolate ice cream in my house... EVER... it was ALL ABOUT HIM...

i realized how wrong it was...even as a child... so i think that's why when the psychonarc started his bullshit with me, i fought it so... i'd already had my fill as a child... my brother has become more and more and more of a hateful Narc... the older he gets the nastier he gets.. although he is the only family i have, other than a half sister... i have written him off... with family like him..who needs enemies?...

he of course.. sided with the psychonarc!.. even when the bastard tried to murder me... saying... 'i don't believe he's that bad.. i like him... he seems like a nice guy to me'.. classic case of Narcs supporting Narcs...

and now he whines to my half sister... she hates me'... no shit...

My blog

Prom King and Queen Parents

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 21:38 — ForeverLearning

Dad was Prom King and Mom was Prom Queen in high school.

You can extrapolate from that what fun it was being raised by their shallow asses!

i hate to sound like a cynic.....

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 14:17 — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

-----but this makes me think of how criminals always find religion on the way to the gallows...like everything else, it probably has everything to do with her..and nothing to do with anyone else.....the psychonarc's mother was a turbocharged narc herself...and she went to her grave thinking everyone else had done her wrong....and that she was a saint.........
My blog

alway the martyr

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 19:13 — Barbara

she can sip tea with my mother on Mount Karma now.

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

narcnarc...

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 14:42 — quietude

LOL, those were my thoughts too, narcnarc!!

And I don't feel it's cynical, I think it's what we KNOW to be the truth about these people.

You know, if I told her what I thought of her, and how it hurt me, it would go right over her head.
I'm sure SHE'D be the victim, and whine to my Dad and others about it.

I do not trust her with ANY emotional issues whatsoever. She always called me the C.I.A. Why? Because I refuse to open up to her, I know better!

I don't know her motivation for saying this now...she's in her mid-70's, but way too little, too late!

the psychonarc's mother........

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 15:03 — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

she had herself and the psychonarc's father already pre need buried..the headstone was in place...names, birthdates and photos already on it...someone just had to pencil in the departure dates...then she decided that maybe her 'darling boy' wouldn't keep the grave up as she'd like (good call)and decided on cremation instead...didn't think she'd get her ass properly kissed after death.....geez......
My blog

narcnarc

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 16:09 — quietude

Omigosh, I am crunching on ice and almost choked laughing at "departure dates"!
Too funny that she had an inkling nobody would give a damn after she was dead and gone!

Quietude & Rache

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 12:03 — TexN

So i guess thats the kind of treatment i can expect for my dd if the narc remains in her life, hugh?! Geez, no thanks! Anxious to see what happens in court tomorrow. My wish would be for him to go to jail. Just once I would like to see that SOB squirm!

He

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 14:32 — rache

definitely needs court supervised visitation with a social worker/or counselor present.

TexN

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 13:16 — quietude

Well...here's the thing, if my father was a super-supportive, loving parent who backed us up, I really feel things would have been different for sure. It makes a HUGE difference to have one good parent, but my Dad was so busy working, going to school, and trying to deal with my N mom...he's overly-practical, very old-school and low on emotions. He didn't have time, nor maybe the will to nurture us properly.
I really have a lot of respect for women and men who have to make up for what the N parent lacks in the eyes of the child. It's a huge job, I'm sure.

Good luck in court, keep us posted!

My mom,the,narc

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 10:37 — rache

on her death bed i went to see her and to tell her i love you mom(like a sister-not mother actually),and,you know what she said? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

rache

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 11:40 — quietude

Oh gawd...how awful!!! That's just evil showing through, right there...

My mom was visiting me once for several days, and she got sick with the flu or something ~ I remember she was annoyed with me for some stupid reason at the time.

I brought her soup, tea, etc...she was giving me the silent treatment...I wanted to say, 'why don't you get up and get your own damn stuff then, lady?!'

That was a big contributing factor for me just cutting her off for the most part...

DYING well is the best revenge

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 07:45 — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

the psychonarc's father... married the psychonarc's dead psycho mother's lifelong best friend... three days before he died!!...and left the 81 year old tootsie who he'd probably be sneaking around with for 55 years, EVERYTHING... what a slam against ALL OF THEM... he really got them all good in the end... even left the psychonarc's old dead mother out of his obituary... PRICELESS...

who says the best revenge is LIVING well?... in this case the old man's best revenge was DYING well, with a wickedly funny plan in place...

Dying well.........

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 12:12 — rache

YES! HE is probably laughing from the ~OTHER~side.Would love for him to make contact through that tv psychic........

yes

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 14:49 — rache

it was,and,you know what else is so bad/sad but i think ~KARMA~my dad(the psychopath) wouldn't even go in the room to see her or spend any time with her-my sister took care of her,and,felt her death was pending and told him he had better come see her IF he wanted to see her before she died.He finally did and she died a couple weeks later.BEFORE her toenails turned black he had all 4 of us kids go before a lawyer to sign our part of moms estate over to him.He started seeing an ex girlfriend from his youth a few months later(my aunt thinks he was seeing her while mom was sick).......after she died he got a man to take him up to my (married sisters house)-with full intent to beat the hell out of her for ~CAUSING~my mothers death because she warned him! Her husband stopped him....ouh,and,my sister had 4 kids (small),and,she and i were present when our mother dearest said ... IF i need a kidney transplant can i have one of yours?????I went ballistic on her verbally(i only have 1 sister)and i told my mom HOW DARE YOU! SHE HAS 4 BABIES TO RAISE,and,your life is almost over(transplant would have been a waste!)and you never did anything for us!!!!!!!!!!! HOW COULD YOU ASK HER THAT? My sister would have done it-but-the fking stupid/crazy/dumb bitch stood up for her sister...

ACONS

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 13:50 — Barbara

my NarcMother never apologized. EVER.

My brother was Golden Child. And I was... well... some horrible accident that was pushed on her to uh... mother.

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/09/06/cut-narcissistic-parent-or-not

Not with my kids... no way. They know how loved and wanted they are.

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

Challenges of parenting - am I like my N mom?

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 17:50 — wallaby

I'm in the same boat with all you - N mother and N mother. And both alcoholic. So its no wonder I gravitate towards narc types. But I find it is really hard being a single parent with two kids who's dad is a narc and I am anxious they may feel as I did sometimes - that my needs come first. I have the full burden of a full time job and all kids homework, science projects etc, and sometimes they see how stressed I am.

I nearly lost my job for takign too much sick time (and did I mention I pay for everything as well -their dad doesn't spend a dime on them, of course) and when they are sick I miss work. This winter has been hell (swine flu with both kids) and last time my son said in the morning before school, "I don't feel good, my stomach hurts" (he can fake it sometimes if he needs "day off") I got so snappy about it and did a whole lecture about how all their sick days were hurting me at work and I could lose my job and then where would we be. So wrong. Terrible. But I was in tears (narc fight that morning because of course he won't take any tim to watch them and I stupidly called him to help). I don't parent my kids like this all the time and I immediately felt bad (and stayed home and he was fine - he could have gone to school - but you don't know until later)- but my lack of resources/emotional/physical reserves shows - and I worry I am like my mother. Or rather that I come across like her. if I needed anything she would have a melt down... She is very wealthy and of course had full time maids (live-in) and never did any of the real parenting I do day in and day out (she was too hungover to even be up in the mornings and she was preparing for her parties all afternoon and showing off at her dinner parties most evenings).

My kids know I love them and they are very demonstrative in their love for me - but things definitely get hairy under stress sometimes. Does anyone else every wonder about this feeling like the N parent?

Challenges of Parenting

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 13:33 — dysenchanted

Wallaby,

I don't think my mom was NPD, she wasn't an absolute monster, but she was definitely more narcissistic than the average person. So I didnt' really have a great parenting role model, and I have made many mistakes.
But I don't think you would worried about your impact on your kids, if you really were like the N-Mom. You would be here ranting about how awful your son was for making you miss work when he wasn't even really sick, blah blah blah. Instead you are worrying about how your stress may effect him. You don't sound like a destructive parent at all. Just a stressed one, doing the very best she can for her kids.

Thanks dysenchanted

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 20:14 — wallaby

That really helps! It is true I don't blame them for anything - they are just kids and terrific ones at that - I do always focus on how I impact them and how I could do better so they feel solid, safe and loved inside. I appreciate your specific feedback - that really made sense to me.

wallaby

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 19:16 — Barbara

ACONs mostly take the few good traits of the Nparent and leave the bad...

and if you are even ASKING that question - you are NOT like your NMom.

I strongly advise you join the email group I posted here for discussions like this. A lot of ACONS on that group are very helpful and insightful

Almost every other ACON I know has Complex PTSD, which is what I you may be dealing with.

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

wallaby

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 18:40 — quietude

First, if you are asking if you might be an N, chances are, you definitely are NOT. I don't see anything in your post or attitude that resembles any N traits whatsoever. What you are is struggling to keep it all together while dealing with the extreme stress of being the single parent, having to juggle everything because exN is useless...and having abuse coming at you constantly.

If you're not in therapy, you might consider it to address what are likely PTSD symptoms. I have been there, and my teenage son witnessed me freaking out and raging once. That's when I started therapy. Keep in mind, this is not your fault, it's a natural reaction to abuse, and hon...you have had it all of your life!!! The important thing is to address it so you can continue to heal properly.

Barbara and Quietude

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 19:49 — wallaby

Thanks and hugs Quietude and Barbara - I am in tears from your understanding right now. I have been in therapy for many years and that is how I know my parents are N and that I have been damaged in various ways. But both of you bring up the PTSD syndrome of ACON's and I have never heard of that before - my therapist who I think is good, certainly pinpointed narcissism with them - but never mentioned this. But it feels intuitively spot on. I get very anxious and overwhelmed very easily.

I was at work conference yesterday and got some mild flu bug and could not participate and I nearly freaked out - how they (coworkers) wouldn't believe me, how stupidly sensitive I am - why cant I just push through feeling badly, why do I get dizzy and scared ann anxious so easily. I am just not a resilient person - extremely sensitive - and now I am wondering if this is part perhaps of the PTSD complex you both bring up. I wonder if I maybe have had this my whole life -I startle so easily, always have a racy heart (which I even had tested and they said it as fine just on the fast side - my average is 90 beats a minute) and I just come unglued and panic easily. Used to have pure panic attacks but those have lessened a lot.

Barbara how do I sign up for that email group you mentioned? Is it different than this site?

Thanks so much to you both.

wallaby

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 20:07 — Barbara

email group:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Adult-ChildrenOFNarcissits/
(this is linked on the Welcome page of this forum as well)

COMPLEX PTSD information
http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/03/08/what-complex-ptsd

Get a book called "CHILDREN OF THE SELF-ABSORBED" by Nina Brown - you will get a lot out of it.

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims