Lisa E. Scott

how to spot a "stealth" narcissist

how to spot a "stealth" narcissist
Posted Tue, 03/09/2010 - 19:10

I cannot tell if this guy is just really busy or a narcissist. He is not abusive physically or verbally. But at first he was sooooo attentive...went out of his way to see me. But he started saying something about timing (he is separated) and wanting to do things the right way. He asked me to be patient. I am the one proactively communicating, but if I don't communicate with him, I really don't get anything. He promises that we will spend time together and then it never happens. I ask him if we are over and he says no. I just don't get it. Is this narcissistic behavior?

‹ Slaying the Dragon What are some good questions to ask a new guy? ›

Sounds like mine

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 07:59 — serene69

Mine was EXACTLY the same. So over the top at first - then suddenly busy - oh so sorry he couldn't see me etc etc but so much on (plus the fact he lived two hours away.)
Every week he would say yes I'll try, but it would go for weeks at a time. I made most of the contact first - email text etc - and sometimes he would not answer for a couple of days (yet has iphone). Other times he would say he was free the next day, and then not turn up - but not tell me he couldn't make it!
I don't know why I put up with that crap for so long ....
As one of my friends said, if someone likes you enough they will find some time to see you, however busy they are.

Mine too

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 22:23 — wallaby

He so actively pursued me from the other side of the country - I never contacted him - phone calls, middle of the night emails, books in the mail, engaging me with phone sex - then Womp. Overnight, calls got fewer and way farther in between. Didn't respond to emails. He'd not tell me he was in town till day he was leaving (He'd call on way to airport just to make sure I felt bad that he hadn't called me or seen me - douchebag). If I expressed disappointment -or god forbid anger - he raged back. One time he told me I needed to quit the "Sturm and Drang"! I had to look that one up -haughty arsehole -it's German and means histrionic dramatic behavior. Hah! Talk about pot calling kettle beige! I once flew across country to see him after he suggested we could see each other a few times only to be told upon arriving that he might be too busy to fit me in. Jerk. Did end up seeing me but invited his son along with us. You know I think he can't get it up anyway.

I,too missed so many red

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 08:06 — enoughalready

I,too missed so many red flags and accepted his "indifference" as if it were nothing. But reading all these messages, I realized I was so devalued for a long time

now I get why my lawyer &

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 00:09 — M

now I get why my lawyer & his paralegal said to keep contact e-mail only. They knew he was an N.
Even though I i was only texting back if it involved our daughter the para legal said--keep consistent. Stick to email.
I'm going to court over A DOG!!!

michvegas

Thu, 03/11/2010 - 13:21 — agnesmurphy17

I thought this dog thing was resolved? You give him the dog & end of lawsuit. It's a 'moot' point in the law. Why do you still have dog?

Texaschick

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 08:37 — dysenchanted

Whether or not he is pathological, he isn't showing the level of interest in the relationship that you need/want-so let him go and find some one who will. My gut tells me he likes the chase, and now the you are "caught", he isn't interested in a real relationship. He may be a N, or just an immature jerk. Either way, YOU aren't getting what you need. That should be reason enough to let him go.

Test him

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 05:13 — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

ignore him to death.....if he's a NARC he won't be able to stand it....and come sucking up......that means he FAILS the test...then ignore him literally to death if you can......
My blog

Separated?

Tue, 03/09/2010 - 23:47 — rache

I think NOT! He is playing you.A man who will cheat is a lying,cheating,selfish,self-serving asshole.My ex psycho has been married 4-5 times and claimed they ALL cheated on him,as,he went on to phone sex up my now ex friend/s on the phone,and,this at 1 1/2 months of our marriage-i divorced him at 3 months because (ex)wife #3 was introduced to me as his housekeeper!!!!!!!!!! IF,any WOMAN RESPECTS HERSELF AND EXPECTS ANYONE ELSE TOO-avoid MARRIED MEN-they look at women they play with as whores anyway whether or not they are a NARC(never blames themselves).........

'm 8 days w/ NC. It's so

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 23:28 — enoughalready

'm 8 days w/ NC. It's so interesting how N men r all alike. I was so fooled and still very angry at myself for not knowing any better. Never understood why he couldn't talk on a deep level. Thought he just repressed things in his life and denied everything. Only til I was verbally abused..I decided to look into things ie: computer, email,etc. Red flags I had missed throughout our 5 yrs together. Wow, was I made a fool and how many times he must have played me. He was a malignant, toxic narcissistic pathological liar!!!!

When they choose married woman

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 21:08 — Amazed

It is the total control thing,,stay away from any guy that tries to lure you out of your committed relationship, or out of where you truly need to be, personally. I have a feeling my ex N is off with a married woman,,,he does not care about her,,not only does he think of her as a whore, he is doing another man's lady, and that is his thrill,,that he can piss off a guy, a married guy by doing his wife..thats how sick and into control these guys are,,,correct,,,never ever entertain the fancy of married men...

they don't "tell"

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 22:28 — Barbara

Pathologicals interestingly enough seem to want women who are highly moral for two reasons: The first is, he likes the image and status of himself with a moral person. She makes him look moral by his affiliation with her.

Secondly, if she is highly moral, she will continue to adhere to her principles despite his behavior. She is not likely to “do unto him” as he has “done unto her.” For instance, although he cheats, she would be less likely to cheat. In the relationship with the psychopath, she was likely to become mortified at the immoral behaviors he engaged in.

Ironically, many of the women’s stories end with the loss of their moral principles in the relationship. This could be through sexual deviance he asked her to participate in, or asking that she lie, steal, cheat, or in some other way violate her own moral code. By the end of the relationship, she was likely to have become mortified at his immoral behavior and how it took her down a negative path she never intended on.

Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS

i.e. - married women won't usually TELL on them... and getting a married, moral woman to debase herself for him is a huge THRILL!!

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

hi texaschik...Red Flag Alarm

Tue, 03/09/2010 - 23:41 — aceonelady

Please let him go,this guy sounds really not interested in you at all...if someone wants somebody they wont tell them to be free to look around for somebody else ...I think he is checking others out...This guy is one big player,please i know i have been trough stuff like that and i am devasted,i would't like to see anyone suffering like i am...Be glad somebody can tell you that,i wish i hhad found this site in an earlier stage...

aceonelady

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 03:56 — rache

Me too-me too,i really do.((HUGS))it WILL get better....

hey texaschick

Tue, 03/09/2010 - 22:39 — moving on

You KNOW you deserve better. This guy is not emotionally available. Let him go and move on. I SO WISH that I had access to this website when I was at the stage you are at. I could have stated just the first five minutes of my first meeting with him and the women on this site would have told me all the red flags and I could have possibly saved myself then. Please listen to avoid future heartache. I had a friend who got involved with a married guy that she worked with and she ended up moving across the country just to get away from it all. Be wise and stay strong! There are so many fish in the sea, this one is a stinker... :)

Texaschick

Tue, 03/09/2010 - 22:27 — TexN

From one Texan to another...DO NOT PLAY SECOND FIDDLE TO ANYONE!!! I wouldn't settle for anything less than #1! More than likely, he's not done with his wife yet! Not only that, do you really want to be involved with someone that is just getting out of relationship??? I wish to God that I knew about narcissism 7 years ago! It would have saved me and my kids alot of heartaches. Please, even if you THINK he could be a narcissist, run the other way! You have no idea how devastating and hard it is to get away from someone like that!

Texaschick

Tue, 03/09/2010 - 21:33 — Tryintoheal

Don't waste your time, I wasted 9 years on a guy that treated me like this in the beginning. All over me and then when miss ex called running back to her side, then she would dump him and he would chase me hard again not letting up so I thought he had learnt his lesson.
All I got was 9 years of misery and lots of sex, I'd say run, the ladies here are right, when a guy wants you, you know it. Grab a copy of the book, "he's just not into you" as mentioned here, when they are interested it is black and white, no shades of grey. I wish I had run the other way before I fell in love, my life would have turned out different than this. ))"Hugs, be strong and let him go"
You are better than his crappy seconds.

Buuuut...

Tue, 03/09/2010 - 21:46 — quietude

If he's indeed and N, HE'S JUST NOT INTO ANYBODY (except his amazing self)! This has nothing to do with you, texaschick...not your fault. They discard the best, brightest, kindest, smartest...etc!

I consider myself LUCKY my ex D&D'd me (now I do). It hurts, but the more you learn about NPD, you'll realize how scary being deeply involved with someone like this is.

In time, you'll likely start feeling like many of us...like you definitely dodged a big old bullet.

Say no to being anyone's rebound ...

Tue, 03/09/2010 - 20:48 — sparky2009

If he is only seperated and he says to you the timing is off listen to him . You do not want to be anyone's rebound it usually will not work. He is still married ... Go find a single guy who will give you the attention you want and need . Don't play second fiddle anymore !

texaschick

Tue, 03/09/2010 - 20:45 — quietude

NPD is a serious personality disorder that I encourage you to research.
Someone can have narcissistic behaviors but not be a full-blown narcissist. N's do behave like this, but it's hard to say if you got yourself a true N without more information.

At the very least, you are secondary in his life...and I assume he's still legally married. I see RED FLAGS-a-waving here, and the asking you to be patient while he works out his life, while making empty promises, is enough to make me want to walk in the opposite direction.

I WISH ALL QUESTIONS WERE THIS EASY!!

Tue, 03/09/2010 - 20:17 — ForeverLearning

This is an easy one!

Or maybe I'm just getting better and better at this!

WHATEVER he is, he's just not that into you.

And that is all you really need to know.

He is stringing you along. Yes, HE DEFINITELY HAS SOMEONE ELSE, PROBABLY MORE THAN ONE.

Move on ASAP. Find someone WORTH YOUR TIME.

And available, and interested!

Not this wishy washy player loser!

Here's the thing about men. When they want something, they go after it. If he doesn't pursue you, he is either not really available (has someone else he is pursuing moreso than you) or just not that into you (using you for occasional sex until he finds someone he really wants then dumps you).

When they want you, you will know it. They don't just 'ignore' or 'neglect' a woman they truly want.

They just don't!!

Move on ASAP! This loser doesn't deserve the time of day from you. He is WASTING YOUR TIME.

I agree. He does seem like

Tue, 03/09/2010 - 20:58 — texaschick

I agree. He does seem like Jeckyll and Hyde though. I was the most incredible person he had ever met and then things became too busy. I work with him...that complicates matters. I would love to run away but we see each other all the time. I think he wants me to move on...he says stuff like "If you want to put your energy somewhere else, I understand." He is emotionless. At first he said he would never hurt me, but now he does it every day...and doesn't care one bit. How do I deal with that?

Please hear what I have to say texaschick

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 18:35 — Monica

Stop this "relationship" NOW. Please, I beg of you. The sooner the better. You work with him. In this economy, you cannot afford to have it all go down and have to leave your job just to get away from him and the mess he WILL create in your life, your heart, your mind, your soul. Please take it from one who knows first hand. Not only should coworkers not get involved with each other but when one of those coworkers is a narcissist (and/or psychopath/sociopath) it becomes a hundred times worse to make a break and continue in your job. Red flags? Most "incredible" person he had ever met. BTDT. Emotionless. BTDT. Said he would never hurt you? BTDT. Doesn't care one bit? BTDT. Please, believe me, because I did not have this website, did not have the education, did not have the knowledge early enough in my own story to end it early myself...stop this "relationship" now. I assure you it is not worth the destruction of your soul by an evil and non-human creature to leave the door open with him even a crack. Save yourself. Trust me. Please.

Deal with it

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 04:02 — rache

by distancing yourself-----like HE is.

I second that!

Tue, 03/09/2010 - 20:46 — Kelly

Regardless of whether or not he's NPD or even an abuser. If he's just a normal Joe who's dating you and then he stops giving you attention, he's just not that into you.

Take a line from Madonna "Express yourself, make him express himself Hey hey. . . "

Let him know that you're not going to wait around for his sorry ass to figure out how wonderful you are and that YOU are moving on . . . side way snap and around the world!

It's controlling behavior on his part. Seeing if you would wait around for him . . Puuuuuleeeeeeeeze. To the left to the left!

narcmagnet

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 04:03 — rache

YOU GO GIRL!HEYYYYYYYYYYYYY : )

He is the good-looking

Tue, 03/09/2010 - 21:04 — texaschick

He is the good-looking charmer at work...everybody loves him. But he has gone from one extreme to another in a heartbeat. Excuses, excuses. And then blames me when I get upset when he doesn't respond to emails or keep our date. Ideas for how to get over him when I work with him? Yikes!

Oy!

Tue, 03/09/2010 - 21:17 — Kelly

You work with him . . . That's gonna be tough.

I didn't work with my exN, but what finally turned me off (he was extremely charming, handsome, intelligent, etc . . . ) was when I imagined him as a snake. I imagined that I escaped his death grip and he is busy eating someone else. That image pretty much killed all of his "good qualities."

Hope that image helps. I also watched a few movies and television shows about narcs and psychopaths. Books are great, but actually watching a depiction of the seduction and the maniac unmask is gripping. You can't go back after that. Watch: Gaslight, Charade, MadMen and I just saw a clip from a Law & Order ep that was posted on this site recently. Check that out too!

Ignore

Tue, 03/09/2010 - 21:14 — quietude

Ignore him as much as possible. Send out the "I don't care" vibe. If he pursues you, report him. If you can't handle being around him, think of alternatives to your current situation. In the meantime, I suggest a good therapist. It wouldn't hurt to discuss this with someone supportive IRL.

dump him

Tue, 03/09/2010 - 22:13 — Barbara

whatever he is he's a L O S E R

and a DANGEROUS TOXIC MAN

get and read HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN by Sandra Brown, MA

how do you deal? ignore and if he persists at work report him to personnel.

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

I think he is afraid i am

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 06:09 — texaschick

I think he is afraid i am going to report him. He is higher up than I am in the company. He told me some story about how HR has come to him about a rumor. He just says we have to be careful about how we see each other. All focus is on him...all discussion is about his crazy situation in life. He married his wife because she was pregnant...some thought she "trapped" him. His first wife supposedly cheated on him. Now I am questioning that story.

I would like to find out if he has done this to anyone else at work...you know the "I think about you every day, you are the best thing that ever happened to me" for a while and then I am invisible.

If I knew he has done this before, I would be over it in a HEARTBEAT! Not sure how to find out though.

texaschick - Read Loveofmylife's story if you haven't yet

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 18:11 — wallaby

Hi Texaschick - I have been spending some time reading people's stories and read Loveofmylife's last night - definite similarities with yours - painful and infuriating - might give you a clue how he operates and how things could easily end up .... Best, Wallaby

Of Course He has Done This Before, and is Doing It Now!

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 11:23 — The Girlfriend ...

They are VERY practiced and good at knowing all the right things to say. A man who is a player will often allude that he is 'separated' or 'getting a divorce'. And also, he will make you feel sympathy for him...poor him, his 1st wife was a cheater...his second one he only married because she was pregnant.. (geez what a real nice guy huh?)...

He tells you that you 'must be careful' because he is afraid to be found out. Probably charming and sleeping with someone in HR already...or other co-workers of yours...and telling them all the very same things he said to YOU. He is concerned you might all find out about each other and compare notes. If he is distancing himself right now...but seeming to keep you on a string...he is probably having sex with some other unaware little gal there too...or even more than one.

These creeps know all they have to do is make us feel safe and special to them...they ALL will say " I think about you everyday, you are the best thing that ever happened to me"...or "You are more special than anyone else I have ever in my entire life on this vast universe EVER EVER met...! ( uhhuh! right!)

They are usually the 'charming' guy at work that has carefully cultivated a bevy of admirers. The workplace is better than a nightclub for finding a woman for them...in fact it is a virtual playing field for these guys.

Please don't believe the things he says. Ignore him...even if this makes him persue you harder for a while. He is not worth the hurt, turmoil and destruction he will inevitabley cause in your life.

As far as I am concerned, a man who cheats...orlies...or is a player/charmer...is 'suspect' for being a Naecissist, or at least have some character flaw. He has already been married 2 times...not a good bet on this guy. RUN!

the Girlfriend

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 15:07 — rache

Right on with your observations-a cheater is DEFINITELY suspect.

Workplace Better Than A Night Club For Fresh Meat

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 14:23 — ForeverLearning

Great comment - yes, the workplace is an absolute ideal setting for shopping for fresh meat. This very well could be the only reason some men hold a job.

Dead serious!!!

same sad song - LIAR

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 08:02 — Barbara

He told me some story about how HR has come to him about a rumor. He just says we have to be careful about how we see each other. All focus is on him...all discussion is about his crazy situation in life.
LIAR

He married his wife because she was pregnant...some thought she "trapped" him.
LIAR

His first wife supposedly cheated on him.
PANTS ON FIRE

http://www.cosmicwalk.co.za/games-victims.html

wow, these guys can NOT seem to come up with a new 'story' poor me - my wife, girlfriend treats me bad... boo friggin' hoo. RUN RUN RUN RUN... you'll be next on his 'crazy woman' list. IF HIS LIPS ARE MOVING HE'S LYING

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

Barbara is absolutely, 100% RIGHT. LIAR.

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 18:43 — Monica

Liar, liar, liar. Texaschick, Barbara is telling you the absolute truth here. RUN. As fast as you can. And don't believe a word he says. Mine lied as easily as he breathed. He may also be trying to intimidate you. Mine used fear and intimidation, too, to keep people "in line" and keep himself above them and in control of them. It was all lies to coerce and manipulate me. Be strong. Save yourself a LOT of future pain and agony and distress. He is a liar. Trust your gut. You are here on this website so your gut is telling you something. Trust your gut.

Great Blow By Blow Summation, and Wonderful Link

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 14:19 — ForeverLearning

I love it, you make me laugh out loud with your wit!

You had me laughing out loud last night too with the "Ramma Lamma Ding Dong, the Curse is Gone"!

LOVE IT!!

And, great link, everyone should check it out.

this is a typical song........

Wed, 03/10/2010 - 06:21 — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

they all hum that tune......they're the VICTIM of some other woman.....i'm sure he's done this before..many times..to many woman...many places...if he really does belive you're going to report him....then tell him to keep his distance, and you'll do him the HUGE favor of letting him keep his job....and not report his sexual overtures..but keep any emails from him...just in case...might want to get the pig on tape too.....in case he tries to screw with you in a narc rage......
My blog