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What are some good questions to ask a new guy?
nshoren
Member since:
2 years 6 weeks
2 years 6 weeks
Last activity:
1 year 47 weeks
1 year 47 weeks
What are some good questions to ask a new guy?
Posted March 8, 2010 - 11:10am
(to see if he could be narcissistic and/or abusive)
I've met some men in the past who seemed really sweet and charming, but when I ask them about their past relationship, they can suddenly turn angry and refer to their ex as a "bitch" or a "whore", and they will claim that the breakup was all her fault. Nothing was ever HIS fault.
So I think asking about their last relationship is a good way to find out if a man could be narcissistic and/or abusive. What other questions would you suggest?
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its their actions
March 11, 2010 - 11:06pm — grossotThat tell on them. They say all the right things.
Instincts.....for sure.
On my wedding day I started walking down the isle and I heard a very audible; very clear voice which I knew was my subconscious saying, "STOP! RUN AWAY! GO NOW!"
Hind sight is 20/20.
I didn't have that feeling earlier on in the relationship bc I didn't have anything to compare it to.
Two book recommendations on the topic of instincts:
1)The Gift of Fear
2)Protecting the Gift (keeping children and teenagers safe)
Both books by Gavin De Becker.
excellent for explaining why we have instincts, how they work and how to listen to them!
http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview
nolongercontrolled
barbara
March 9, 2010 - 9:34pm — bitterdestinyHe lives 70 miles from me so I don't think I will have to deal with him showing up. But I rent from my step father who is abusive asshole so I'm trying to move finances have kept me here but I'm going to see if maybe do to his treatment of me that maybe I can get some help. I'm hoping to move in a month and have no contact at all with my N.
Questions & Answers ??? !!!
March 9, 2010 - 10:19am — The Girlfriend ...There are NO reliable questions to ask a pathological that will result in an honest and telling answer about how they really think.
When I started dating my SNAKE, the most Charming of 'Prince Charmings'...I thought I knew all the right questions...and he fielded each one with flying colors...unfortunately his answers did not reveal his TRUE colors!
The really smart ones are rehearsed and prepared with their answers. They KNOW disparaging the EX (right away, anyway)...is a 'sign' and may scare you off.
I observed carefully...all his social interactions, his beahviors, the things he said about himself and others. I asked questions about his past relationships when the timing seemed right, and he answered by saying he also 'played a part in the break-up', and had learned from his past mistakes. He thought he needed to be 'more sensitive to a woman, more caring and to keep the romance alive' and that perhaps he had taken his other relationships for granted...but 'he certainly would NOT make this same mistake with me as I was his 'everything'.(uh huh! Yeah right!!!...only later would I discover he is a serial cheater...and right from the beginning of our 3 year relationship...read my story in the 'story' section if interested)
I basked in the glow of his love-bombing and all the excessive romance...ALL his answers 'appeared to be the right ones'...just as he 'appeared' to be the wonderful man he 'projected' himself as being. I could not have been more BLISSED out for over an entire year of loving attentiveness...with very few 'clues' to the truth about him. I asked EVERYTHING ever suggested in all the dating' advice' resources, and watched for all the RED Flags...
...The only 'RED Flag I remember at first...was my having some 'stomach' trouble ALOT (not something I ever had before)...and not sleeping very well...and then I attributed it to being 'excited and falling 'in love'. Boy do I know better NOW!!!
Some N's and Psycho's are not as 'practiced' as others...but some of these pathologicals read up on everything they can about dating, seduction and know all the right moves to make to get the woman of their dreams. (you & me)into a relationsip.
Some must have their masks stuck on with super-glue!...it takes much longer for it to slip off so you can really see that the 'Prince Charming' is in truth...a horrific, destructive, poisionous SNAKE!!!
Ask all the right questions...they will tell you all the 'right' lies.
Our intuition is sometimes
March 11, 2010 - 10:21pm — narcsurvivorOur intuition is sometimes our only clue that something is not right. That and google. As soon as you have a username, google it. Google every piece of information he gives you: cell phone #, email, username and variations on the username. My ex was ALL over the place!
Right Lines & Lies
March 11, 2010 - 3:08pm — agnesmurphy17Mine was good, very good. After I left him, I was in Borders Books. I picked up a book on how to spot a keeper. I was stunned. In the beginning . . . my N was a 10 out of 10. He was perfect.
But, it was those odd "disconnects." The "tummy test" thing. SOmething off. This is not an objective test. It's so subjective. I think that is why these guys generally catch a "vulnerable" woman. For some reason her defenses are down. And the N sneaks in & then it's too late for her to get away.
RUN Bitter Destiny RUN. Don't look back. Don't regret. Just get away. No contact. You could have submitted to his request . . . & you would have been on the path of destruction. He over estimated the amount of control he had over you at that point. He made a mistake. Lucky you! You know now what he was grooming you for.
I have realized that my N was grooming me for sexual perversities. I was not maleable. That was the beginning of our end. I refused a "simple" request. Even out of fear, I could not submit. My N too underestimated my ability to resist. But the horror of my end with him. The lengths he would go to exert control & submission. I was married to him. Lucky you . . . your N is 70 miles away.
questions?
March 8, 2010 - 11:13am — Barbara (not verified)LOL... questions???? do you think a Narc or Abuser is GOING TO TELL THE TRUTH????????????
I strongly suggest you get a book called HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN and read it - possibly even get & do the workbook.
https://www.e-junkie.com/ecom/gb.php?ii=136236&c=cart&aff=21165&ejc=2
QUESTIONS? Don't bother: If their lips are moving they're LYING!
~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein
Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
They lie
March 8, 2010 - 11:32am — NothanxIf I could go back and have a do over, I would listen to the little voice in my head saying "something is off about this guy". Instead, I ignored it! Follow your gut, or at least don't brush it off. Really pay attention to the little things they say and do. If you feel strange or uncomfortable about something in the beginning of a relationship it will only get worse as time goes by! I know this is hard, because as good, honest people we want to believe the best about human nature. We tend to feel bad if we notice the negatives in people, but that voice is not negative....it's your intuition!
That's what I mean. When
March 8, 2010 - 11:24am — nshorenThat's what I mean. When they say that nothing was their fault they are not telling the truth.
a real relationship
March 8, 2010 - 1:46pm — serene69I have had two great 8 year relationships in the past. For various reasons both didn't last but I am good friends with both men.
In the early days of being with both of them, the relationship felt 'easy' is the best way i can describe it.
there was mutual respect for each other's time and feelings. Phone messages were not left unanswered, and it just seemed to flow and be fun.
With my N it felt strange from the start and yes i should have heeded my gut instinct.
There are no real questions you can ask anyone in the early days of a relationship. I really feel it is what your gut instinct tells you.
A partner should not put you down, not reply to messages, fail to turn up for dates etc without a good excuse. Should not rubbish everyone else, should not be over the top in their exclamations of affection - it should just feel like fun!
You shouldn't feel like you should be careful what words you use, you should not feel bad saying the good things you have done or achieved, the other person should be interested in what you are doing.
serene69
March 9, 2010 - 11:14am — racheyou are so right.My ex psycho started putting me down,my kids,family and this was early in-i must have just been so defeated/desperate for ~SOMEONE~i just deadened my instincts.AND-~LYING~is their forte........cannot believe a word from their mouths.They are LIARS,CHEATERS,ABUSERS,and,only want to harm others-love is not what they seek.
Some great responses. Thank
March 8, 2010 - 1:52pm — nshorenSome great responses. Thank you so much!!!!
nshoren
March 8, 2010 - 5:13pm — quietude (not verified)Yes, that is a good book to have to fine-tune your skills for watching out for the predators.
I know I blew off certain things my N would say early on that I had no reason to think twice about, but knowing what I know now, some of those things would have been a red flag. My ex talked about women in his past disappointing him, and how he finally found the right one.
So, I guess everyone was shi* until me?? hmmmm!
There were other things, including quick involvement ~ at the time I thought, how romantic.....now I would think, "NNNNNN alert!"
I think in the beginning, they do put on a good front, they may even talk about women positively, seem empathetic. I think there are things you can do to 'test' them, but a sharp N who is luring you may know exactly what you want to hear.
the WTF moment
March 8, 2010 - 7:48pm — Barbara (not verified)I believe that the MOMENT a guy says something to you or about you that makes your brain go WTF!?!?!?!? just ONCE... and you spend all day or all night trying to make sense of it?
That's your SIGN. No matter how nice he seems - GET OUT AND STAY OUT.
~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein
Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
This is so true. Really
March 9, 2010 - 11:58am — nshorenThis is so true. Really great advice. Thank you so much, Barbara.
What happens when your wtf
March 8, 2010 - 11:03pm — bitterdestinyWhat happens when your wtf moment is way past to late? I've known mine is a N for several months now and I've still dealt with it, that is until this weekend when he woke me up to ask if he could sleep with my friend in my bed. I was so upset I was throwing up and finally thought is this really my life??? Is this the man I love with every ounce of my being?? That all he can say is I will take you to the movies if you let me do this...wtf!!!!
bitterdestiny
March 10, 2010 - 3:36am — racheI wonder what is up with these sick fkers wanting to screw our friends? PSYCHOPATH ALERT-NO CONSCIENCE!
rache
March 11, 2010 - 12:54pm — bitterdestinyYeah he's tried sleeping with every girl I have introduced him too. And no I don't want him for a long time I did but now that tiny bit of hope I had that he would change is leaving...now I'm trying to deal with knowing it was all a lie and feeling like why wasn't I good enough
YOU
March 11, 2010 - 1:48pm — rachewere too good,He,was the one not good enough for Y.O.U
Bitterdestiny
March 11, 2010 - 1:02pm — The Girlfriend ...YOU were more than good enough...HE wasn't.
He wasn't worthy of you. You just didn't know that when you got involved with yours and you believed his 'image' and lies. NOT your fault at all.
They always go for the sweetest, nicest, prettiest...the BEST...because that is what they think they are entitled too.
I used to wonder what was wrong with me...that I ever even attracted someone like him into my life...and had a realtionship with him where at first I thought I was 'happy'...
That's the part that kills
March 11, 2010 - 2:51pm — bitterdestinyThat's the part that kills me I gave him everything and I have been thru bad breakups before but I just feel empty. And to know I was nothing that it was all a game is just to much to deal with. I feel lost and stupid and like sh*t that I always go back. I mean does it ever end??
bitterdestiny
March 11, 2010 - 4:04pm — Barbara (not verified)break ups are different with a pathological. VERY different.
HE was a lie - you were TOO GOOD for him.
you in therapy with a trauma/ PTSD counselor? Get in - stay in.
~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein
Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
bitterdestiny
March 9, 2010 - 2:15am — Barbara (not verified)WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING????
can't you pack up and go stay with a friend/ family? NOW??????
~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein
Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
He doesn't even live with
March 9, 2010 - 7:28am — bitterdestinyHe doesn't even live with me. That's why I feel like such a fool why haven't I just said screw you I'm done??? I blocked him from my myspace yesterday he's never emailed me but I feel as tho I'm planning for the future. Also I just found out yesterday I can now block him from calling or texting so I won't need to change my number AGAIN!! I'm thinking this week will be the best time to do it he thinks I'm fine. Also no my friend didn't do it, so of course that's my fault the best part of the evening was when I called him ted bundy, he said I'm not a serial killer...I said uh no he was a narcissistic sociopath with anti social tendencies, his response...I'm not anti social!!!!
I tried that route of
March 11, 2010 - 10:27pm — narcsurvivorI tried that route of telling him about his disorder. This does no good at all. He would pretend to feel bad about his disorder and claim he wanted to get help. Sickening. No contact is best, believe me.
Well as of today he believes
March 11, 2010 - 10:54pm — bitterdestinyWell as of today he believes my number is changed and I have him blocked from myspace..so who knows honestly I don't think he will try to contact me anymore. I think he knows he sucked me dry and fighting with me has to be getting old. So now its just up to me to stay NC..god wish me luck :/
No-he is
March 10, 2010 - 3:39am — racheA ~PSYCHOPATH!~GET AWAY FROM THIS PIECE OF SH.T! OR,HE WILL
MAKE you feel more pain......
rache
March 10, 2010 - 8:06am — bitterdestinyYeah she's not the first one. She didn't go thru with it but I think she knew I was ready to snap, which of course he was mad at me about ugh!!! My therapist said its part of his game he has a pack of women like a wolf and I'm top wolf so he will throw me a hint there's a new wolf around so I go hunting her just to bite her in the neck and let her know I'm top wolf. And he gets to sit back and watch me go crazy trying to find her, then all the fighting. Its just exhausting and I don't feel like playing anymore what's my big prize at the end??? Him HA!!!
WHY
March 10, 2010 - 8:21am — rachewould you ~WANT~a cheating,lying,abusive man? We have to ask ourselves what is WRONG with us that we even THINK we love such a LOST cause.i personally am 53 and i would rather be alone than spread my legs for a man who compares me to other women he's screwing.UNTIL,a better piece comes along(in his(sic) mind)
bitterdestiny
March 9, 2010 - 8:27am — Barbara (not verified)GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT
(change your locks too)
~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein
Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
WTF Moment
March 8, 2010 - 8:58pm — NothanxYep!!! I know EXACTLY my WTF moment! I soooo wish i would have listened to my gut.
Don't we
March 8, 2010 - 11:04pm — racheALL.............((sighs))
WTF moment
March 9, 2010 - 5:46am — serene69I had a wtf moment very early on too - and I don't really know why I ignored it. I mean I have always had wonderful relationships in the past and certainly I have never let anyone take advantage of me. In fact I have normally been the dominant one in the relationship.
But when I look at the situation properly and really think about what I was thinking in the early days, I think part of me was thinking, I'm intrigued by this person. Why do they behave like this, I want to know more, I want to see what else he will do. I know it sounds crazy, but I am a journalist and question everything, like to understand everything and I love a challenge.
I think I foolishly kept trying to create something proper with this guy exactly because something didn't 'seem quite right.' It wasn't that I thought I could change him as I had no real clue he was an N until 6 months into it, but I was just fascinated I think by his behaviour and could not just walk away.
Crazy eh.
One good thing out of this though. I split up with my partner of 8 years a year ago - met the N 6 months after that. I have started talking to my ex again and although he lives the other side of the world at the moment it has actually made me appreciate that he is a kind and loving human being and maybe, just maybe we might one day get back together.
It is not that I am running back to him, but my relationship with the N meant I went into therapy where we have been talking about all sorts of things - not just the N - but my relationship with my family etc - and it has made me see many things so differently.
Understanding everything!
March 9, 2010 - 11:33am — NothanxI was the same! I felt compelled to understand what the hell was going on. It was all just so weird, and I got way caught up in the game. I did not like him at all when we started dating, but he just kept on and kept on until he became a permanent fixture in my life. It was almost like I was having an outer body experience! I surprised everyone in my life with this weirdness and how much I put up with. Everyone, including me, could see that it was all just totally freaky and strange. No one could make me stop, but everyone tried! I was just waiting to see what was coming next, for I knew it would be interesting. It became an addiction, and My friends and family thought I should just stop the madness, but, like an alcoholic no one can stop you but yourself!
Yup. I remember describing
March 9, 2010 - 6:00am — itreallyisabouthimYup. I remember describing to my co-worker that I did not think it was healthy that I like to know what makes people tick, even if it's not good. I remember doing an impression of myself talking to my then stbx N, going "Oh, wow! It's interesting that you're an a$$hole!" Like I could separate myself from him and just find him fascinating. With him I felt in tune with his original N injury (which I calculated was at about age 5 when his parents sent him to live with his rich grandparents in Mexico, who despised his mom because of her lower position in society)... anyway, yeah. Being interested just for the sake of getting to the bottom of the mystery. That is a problem. I didn't have that with my last N. He wasn't self-aware enough or communicative enough to give me the sort of information that would make me feel sympathetic toward him. At all.
My first "WTF" moment with the N mentioned above was when we were at a friend of mine's house for dinner and he alluded to something that happened earlier in his life. We were not yet officially a couple, just sort of dating. I said "Oh - I HAVE to hear this story!" in a way that I guess may have implied some ownership or something to him. Anyway, he turned his head ever so slightly and sort of spat at me, "Who are YOU?" Like "Who are you to assume you have a right to hear this story?" It felt so wrong. His mask slipped and I saw him. And I stayed.