Thinking back I realize the man I was married to for 10 years and have two children with (ages 12 and 9) is a N. But he flies below the obvious N radar and is more infuriating than malevolent. However I think now my eyes have been opened I am seeing him too in a different light. The story that brings me to this site and has been so excruciating for me emotionally has been with a N I met about 2.5 years ago.

I am a writer and I also work part time in another job that requires I put on a lot of events with "high profile" people. I saw the N speak at an premiere and I approached him about being a speaker at one of my events. I was immediately attracted to him (he's good looking and has amazing voice and great speaker), and was surprised at how open he was to me - writing his info down on a torn pieces of paper for me. I noticed he was with an attractive woman that night but did not know if he was married or what. Cut to a year later and I made contact with his offices and he agreed to do an event for me pro bono. He is a famous writer as well as a guest speaker. Background: I am early 40's - he is mid-50's. While he has a house near where I live, he does not live there - he was at the time (and still) living back east with his family for work reasons. He is expecting to move back here full time in the next couple years.... arrgh

That evening was magical and he asked that I sit next to him at dinner. He came to the event with his wife and teenage son (wife was not other woman I had seen). Still he became engrossed with me at dinner -telling me the "secrets" of great writing. I was spell bound and he talked about how writing poetry requires the writer to put the reader in a trance so you can slip inside them. I felt like we were obviously connecting and I felt awkward as his wife was there. She meanwhile just left the table, and milled with the guests, and seemed to have no concern for his behavior. He recited for me some poetry he was working on, and asked me if I would like him to read and give feedback on some of mine. I was stunned he would do that given his position as a writer relative to mine. He asked me to write my info on a paper and told me he was going to send me a textbook he had written to help me out. At one point after I disengaged and was talking with another group I noticed him just staring at me for a long time. I realize now it was the "reptilian gaze". Everyone wanted his attention and he had given it to me

I was walking on a cloud, not so much for romantic reasons, as I knew he was married, but to have connected and gotten great advice from such a well known and terrific writer. I thought that was going to be pretty much it with him. I was shocked when at 11pm the following night he called and said he couldn't read my address could I give it to him again so he could send me his book (a ruse I'm sure) - and we talked for over an hour. Again about writing.

This may sound naive- but I was really thinking it was not a romantic thing although my heart was aflutter, but that I was lucky enough to have him enjoy talking with me. This started a long distance phone relationship where he would read me poetry he was working on and recite his poems to me. I was falling in love but didn't want to admit it. He sent me a book of love poetry he had translated from another language with the inscription "to X, at the pleasure of meeting her, X" . Over the next months he sent me a number of books he had written all signed (now I see this as SO typically N self-centered!). I sent him some of my poetry which he gave me painful but good feedback on (that brutally honest thing they do).

After months of this one night he asked me what I was wearing - was i naked? ....and well you can see where this is going... This all after he had confided in me in prior conversations that he and his wife would be separating and he was so "lonely" in the marriage -they lived two separate lives. She would stay back East, and when his job ended he would be back living near me. While I had reservations I did go down the road of sex talk with him that night - and looking back I see it was really typically N- him dominating me and talking about his body - how he would look in my eyes and control me etc.

AFter a few sessions of this (and my sending pictures which I regret now) - and one time where I refused to talk that way as i felt uncomfortable - he told me he realized he didn't want to have an affair - he would feel too guilty and tie himself in knots or I might leave him as I could not take his not being available (and he was traveling non-stop then) -there was no good outcome (ironically all true). And that our verbal sex was "our secret". I felt my first punch in the gut. He then avoided my calls etc, seeming irritated if i bothered him. Not wanting him mad at me, I didn't pursue him. I also started to doubt what he said about being separated, but found it increasingly difficult to have any conversations with him on this topic. (Fast forward - he always gets very bent out of shape and angry if he sense I "need" something from him in any way).

Oddly, his wife (of 30 years who wants now to be a nun) has been eager for us (me and N) to get together - she really wants little to do with him and the few times I have been around her she has actively encouraged our getting together (I think she wants him off her hands!). I don't know if they will be separating (or are separated) or not - and frankly I am trying not to think about it as I realize he is a N and I don't want him anyway! I know why she could want him off her hands. Looking objectively, he is haughty as hell, so self-centered, smug and pleased with his own brilliance and accomplishments (this guy has done amazing stuff and recently got national attention and thanks from the president...yuch), all he talks about is himself or his brilliant theories on things like the economy, politics, womens' sexual needs, popular culture etc. While he is entertaining, funny and smart as hell anyone around him must be audience for him and he is insensitive to other people as all get out. He picks up sycophants (like I was) all the time, and they are thrilled to be even contacted by him.

I was reeled in- overcome by his attentions (many hours on the phone and on our quasi-dates) talent, his position, his NLP. I stayed hooked to him as he kept called and sending me things in the mail - and I even flew across country to see him - all the while this sexual charge between us but I didn't want to "go there" as I feared losing him. He says that he sexual chemistry we have is the "destabilizing element" of our good friendship. It became a total emotional affair. I met up with him in another city once and we spent an evening (with others) at a beach house - but nothing has ever happened between us. It had driven me crazy - the sexual longing. And it still does if I let it. I try to not fantasize and think of the reality - which is he probably has ED or robotic N sex style from what I've read here. While better now than it has been, I feel like he totally took over my mind and my being -even my dreams at night for about 2 years. For about two years the longest we went without some contact between us was three days. But we have NEVER had sex or even kissed

When he was/is in town he would always/does always take me out to dinner and once to the opera. We go to his beautiful house and he plays me operas he's written, we take walks, go to the grocery story together etc. But aways just a peck on the cheek goodbye. Yet during dinner he always brings sex up in the most graphic way -i.e. graphic sex jokes, talking about what he thinks women want etc. He reads me poetry he is working on etc. He comes out for a week at a time and over the last year I have worked on blocking myself from his effect on me. I run after dinner so he doesn't think I want anything from him, and also, I would not feel good about having sexual rel's with a man who is still married. I also know he is not good for me. After our last dinner about three months ago he said after I pecked him on cheek and fled the car, "Why do you always run so I can't kiss you?" Last time he was here I actually said no to dinner with him as I felt like I just didn't have the energy to deal with him (this is a good sign, no?). I also don't make contact with him (let him contact me) and don't call him back right away when he does call. Some times I don't return his call at all.

What I am realizing now though is that my distance has only whet his appetite for me- I learned that from here. Anytime I show distance he gets anxious/turned on and amps up his efforts to get me to see him. And yet, even when hounding me with phone calls and emails (and calling my mother if I don't get back to him soon) he acts as if we are simply "good friends". Well god help me if his is how all my friends make me feel!

While I feel stronger (it has taken a lot of therapy to work on the extreme anxiety states instilled in me from this relationship), I do fear that if he does try to make it physical (i.e. kisses me after one of our dinners) I would succumb as I have felt so much unrequited sexual longing for him. I think his wife will stay back East (and or go into a celibate religious life)and he will move here in 2011. And I know how charming/seductive he can be when he wants something. Given what I have learned here I think he may try to convert me to his whore - especially as I have begun pushing him away - I think it makes me all the more sexy to him. I have not gone total NC with him as I have not felt so upset in the last 6 months as I have realized what he is about and have worked on it hard in therapy (and I have two N alcoholic parents).

I think if I had gone farther with him sexually it would have been a disaster and I would have been even more damaged and preoccupied than I have been (I have hit such lows of self-esteem and anxiety, feeling badly about myself and longing, just longing for any contact from him, imagining what it would be like when he lives here and he leaves his wife etc - ended up on meds for a while). I also like it when I am in the position of power and he is chasing me - it feels like a turning of the tables that is such a relief. But I know this feeling can go to hell in a handbasket at any moment - playing with fire - as he has the uncanny ability to always "win" at that game. The other reason for not going NC is that it realistically it has helped my career and my writing to know him. He has made contacts for me (with minimal effort and benefit to him, and MUCH appreciation and flattery on my part) that have helped me.

I'm in a sort of limbo -way better than where I have been, but unsure of what's next and if I should go total NC to avoid future pain - but torn, as I would feel huge emotional loss even if I actually sort of hate the guy! My story is not nearly as awful as many I have read here -and he is not a psychopath (although loves horror movies, talking about violent and death, and writes brutal godawful things sometimes which scare the hell out of me, and is into domination/power of all kinds). But he's a selfish jerk - I mean after all the time/energy we've spent I doubt he knows my kids names (and he's met them a few times).

Anyway, that's a condensed version of my odd but not too god-awfl (but has felt really bad) story! Eager for any thoughts or to hear any similarities you all have!