Feeling overwhelmed 9 mths post narc

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#1 Mar 3 - 9AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Feeling overwhelmed 9 mths post narc

Hi all :o)

I'm about 9 mths out from HIM. Riding the rollercoaster of healing. I suppose I am lucky that now my thoughts are not so much about him, but shifting to society as a whole. I definitely still have thoughts of the betrayal and wishing I could go back (with the knowledge I have now) and stand up for myself by leaving HIM. But that can never be. I was left and I was the one who was humiliated and pushed away- dumped. That is still a hard pill to swallow.

What is hurting me now is society.... 'my community'. I don't know about you all, but I feel that the prevalance of personality disordered individuals is extremely high in my world. It doesn't match what the studies suggests. For me I run into these sick, twisted freaks on a daily basis.

I am worn out. It is making me lose faith that I will be able to have a happy life. I feel like i live among monsters and I have to protect myself. I am tired of it.

The other day I signed up for a fun class. Something to do after work. I was really excited about it. I was early to class and there was another woman waiting. I cheerfully said hello and asked her if she was there for the same thing I was. She cut me a cold look and barely said "yeah" and then immediately turned away. I thought... ok, that wasn't nice- perhaps she doesn't like people who look like me (race/age- IDK). However, I saw that someone else asked her a question (who did 'look' like her) and she was really rude to them as well. When the class started this woman DOMINATED it. I was very upset with the instructor because he allowed it. Even though there were 25 of us in the class it was all about her. While the rest of us were quietly listening, she kept blurting out sarcastic comments when the instructor spoke and the whole class would laugh. I felt like she was making the class her supply. She was so attention seeking that I almost wanted to yell, "is there an off button on you!" (but I didn't). I felt SO annoyed, since I'd paid money to come do something fun.... but instead i was a part of narc supply.

That is just one example. However, that is how my life has been going. EVERY time I go out I seem to encounter a person with obvious extreme emotional underdevelopment who is unbelievable rude OR boundary crossing OR inappropriate. As though I am in a world of adult sized 3 yr old and I am one of the only real adults!

I am losing faith in society. There is no other option for me though. I HAVE to live in this world, however why are there so many of them. I have to wonder if there has been an increase of this population of people. WTF is going on??

I am really unhappy, bc when I try to do things for myself- there those creatures are. I have met a couple of nice women- new friends. When they bring their friends around to meet me... THOSE people are narcs and it is SO uncomfortable for me. They want to act like we are instant friends (the males) and hug on me, touch me, ask questions that are FAR too personal and sexual in nature. Therefore, I can no longer relax and have to go into explicitly stating my boundaries. Of course I will get responses like, "hey.. we're all adults here- we can talk about sex!" OR "Oh.. you are one of those pruddish girls... guys like a girl who knows how to let it all go... maybe that's why your man left!" UGH!!!! Everyone else sees these things as jokes... I know (after being with my ex) that those comments are abuse. Those are meant to make me feel bad for not giving them what they want (a sexually stimulating conversation... supply). This is no joke to me.

I'm SO tired of this you guys! This is a part of my life that WILL continue. My ex is out of my life... however I am of course a member of society and hence THIS part of my life will continue. I can't just continue to isolate myself in my house... however that is such a safe, comfortable place. I was never a hermit before; but since my eyes have been opened by this experience I detect pathology nearly everywhere. I'm worried that this will lead me to feeling depressed again... bc right now I am starting to feel despair.

Soooo frustrated.

:o(
Jessika

Mar 7 - 10PM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I am starting to feel despair

I think its disgusting that if you are an attractive woman that many many men just look at you as sexual objects, and this has been going on since the beginning of time. Once and awhile I stop and have a drink with some friends or my husband at a local pub and there are always the sexual comments, they get a few drinks in them and they think that excuses them, then if you act refined and like a lady they think you are a stuck up snob. I have a close friend who is homosexual known him since I was in grade school, he is like my brother sometimes we go out and he will say to me there you go look at all the men looking at you, I say, NO THANKS, even thought bars arent the best place to meet any prospective decent person surely there are good men that stop to have a beer after work and are respectable to women. I view all men now as sexual predators, NOT like the one I dealt with but just out to get laid basically, we were at a christmas party last year and this one particular man kept coming over and putting his hands where he shouldnt, I finally told him if you touch me again I will put your dick in a vice and he was actually mad at me for HIS inappropriate behavior, I have no respect for this type of men do they think that turns women on? It makes me sick, just dirty horny animals. I think we are soooooo aware and repulsed because of the horrible experience we went through and we are very sensitive to men of this nature with or without the pathological disorder. You just stick to your standards the world is full of men like this but there are also good men that have ethics and standards.
Mar 4 - 11AM
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jessika

I too often wonder how many other people experience this phenomenon. I gave this experience in my personal life a lot of thought like maybe when we are exposed to toxic waste we get a kind of reaction too it. Much like if you get sick from peanut butter and can't be even close to it? Anyway, I too had in the beginning a very hard time being with people who displayed "strong" narcissistic traits. I remember very early in the beginning quitting one job because both upper management persons had this behavior and I just didn't want to deal with it. Again allow me to note how this was in the beginning of my personal healing and learning about the disorder. Soon I discovered how I had to deal with the outside world and people due too business and personal reason. I started to try to harden myself inside and out and just deal with them whenever I came into contact with one by exercising my own personal power thru not aggressive behavior but using an self-assured positive. What does this mean? Well keep the lines of communication open with them until they end it themselves. Show no aggressiveness (remember this can be use as a supply for them) toward them but maintain a positive stand of self assurances and honesty. You would be surprised how quickly they start destroying themselves via bad behavior and misconduct. In short they simply can't deal with positive self assurances and honesty from strong people. They want you upset mad and shaking with anger so simply don't give that. Also this is a good way to exercise one's personal power and learn when and how to apply it whenever it's needed. One line of reasoning I often tell myself is "Jim, whenever you start yelling you stop listening".. Hope this help Jessika? http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Mar 4 - 1PM (Reply to #17)
Jessika (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you

very much everyone. James... that was really helpful to hear. I certainly appreciate it. I was definitely wondering if this was the 'new' way I would be living my life and I just knew I couldn't find happiness in such an existence. However, so long as there is hope that this is what happens while one is still moving past this experience, then I can handle that. I will definitely be more cognizant of my reactions/ behavior around such individuals and come from a position of strength and positivity... rather than frustration, anger, and anxiety that the new narcs I come into contact bring forth in me. This whole thing is a learning process I suppose. The other day I was even thinking I wish I didn't know so much. I wish I was still naive of how awful these creatures were. You know... like 'ignorance is bliss' kind of position. However, I can never go back to 'not knowing'. Even if I wanted to my body now has the memory and has a strong reaction when they cross boundaries with me. Yes, James--- sharing that was SO helpful! :o) BTW.... why in the heck do they always want to talk about sex with women they JUST MEET?!?!?! (I am meeting these varios people bc my 'new' friends are kind enough to introduce me to their circle of friends. Within their circle are a couple of narcs) Back to the sexual questions from these men who don't even know me-- I mean when they do it, I am not dressed slutty... not cursing... not drinking/ drunk and always carry myself like a lady. We are in nice/ upscale environments. They know I have a Ph.D. All the signs should indicate to them that they should address me like a lady yet STILL they start off with the personal questions about when was the last time I 'got off' or some other unbelievably offensive question. Ughhhh, it's going to be very difficult not to respond with anger and swat them in their place!
Mar 4 - 1PM (Reply to #14)
Jessika (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you

very much everyone. James... that was really helpful to hear. I certainly appreciate it. I was definitely wondering if this was the 'new' way I would be living my life and I just knew I couldn't find happiness in such an existence. However, so long as there is hope that this is what happens while one is still moving past this experience, then I can handle that. I will definitely be more cognizant of my reactions/ behavior around such individuals and come from a position of strength and positivity... rather than frustration, anger, and anxiety that the new narcs I come into contact bring forth in me. This whole thing is a learning process I suppose. The other day I was even thinking I wish I didn't know so much. I wish I was still naive of how awful these creatures were. You know... like 'ignorance is bliss' kind of position. However, I can never go back to 'not knowing'. Even if I wanted to my body now has the memory and has a strong reaction when they cross boundaries with me. Yes, James--- sharing that was SO helpful! :o) BTW.... why in the heck do they always want to talk about sex with women they JUST MEET?!?!?! (I am meeting these varios people bc my 'new' friends are kind enough to introduce me to their circle of friends. Within their circle are a couple of narcs) Back to the sexual questions from these men who don't even know me-- I mean when they do it, I am not dressed slutty... not cursing... not drinking/ drunk and always carry myself like a lady. We are in nice/ upscale environments. They know I have a Ph.D. All the signs should indicate to them that they should address me like a lady yet STILL they start off with the personal questions about when was the last time I 'got off' or some other unbelievably offensive question. Ughhhh, it's going to be very difficult not to respond with anger and swat them in their place!
Mar 4 - 1PM (Reply to #16)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jessika

BTW... why in the heck do they always want to talk about sex with women they JUST MEET?!?!?! 1. they haven't profiled you yet so they're testing your boundaries to see if your pliable 2. that's what women are for in their minds. PERIOD. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 4 - 1PM (Reply to #15)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yes, I agree they seem to be everywhere

I don't know if it is like the allergy thing but I detect it so often now as well. And I am so wary of getting close with anyone. I've been dating a guy for a few weeks - a guy who seemed to be the opposite of a N and now I'm thinking maybe he is. Like that he gets his N supply in the world by being an uber nice guy. It creeps me out. But I'm wondering if I am just distorting reality and that I should get over someone having a few narcissistic traits - that it doesn't mean they have the full blown disorder. Another part of me is thinking... "run like the wind"! Good for you for doing so much healing and growing in last 9 months. Being the dumpee totally sucks.
Mar 3 - 3PM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jessika

If you want to get out, go volunteer at a homeless shelter or volunteer at an abused children shelter. I doubt that you will find any narcissists there! That's probably too "beneath them". Who knows, you may actually meet someone working there that has a real heart & not a pretend one!
Mar 3 - 12PM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

they're everywhere it seems........

it seems like they're everywhere.....everywhere you turn...i am constantly on the lookout now...on the defensive...i know what you mean...it's like we're walking around with our eyes open among the blindfolded...they don't get it...and they don't want to get it.....i don't feel like i belong anywhere anymore.....i'm sorry you're so unhappy....it seems like their nastiness just doesn't rub off..or wear off..or wash off......i know......i feel your pain........ My blog
Mar 3 - 12PM
Steph
Steph's picture

First off, congrats on 9

First off, congrats on 9 months no contact! "I definitely still have thoughts of the betrayal and wishing I could go back (with the knowledge I have now) and stand up for myself by leaving HIM" I totally get that. Sucks being the dumpee....or being rejected by a reject. Happened to me too. Be proud though that even though he left, you haven't contacted him or begged him or anything. That says alot. Unfortuneately with our new knowledge we are more aware of all the pathological weirdos we meet daily. At least now though, you do have the opportunity to stand up for yourself and not get sucked into someones BS. You will find happiness. Having the new ability to weed out the no-good-for-nothings is taking you one step further to finding that real happiness. Warm wishes:)
Mar 3 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jessika

I think the studies are ridiculously low... but then again - it's mostly studies of the incarcerated communities... not many narcs are going to admit they are narcs or submit to some studies. our friend Sandra Brown, MA told me once she thinks the prevalence is much higher than anyone imagines. I have to agree. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 4 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Jessika Feeling Hope Again

It is really stupid how narcissistic people are, and it will get to a point where those people will not survive. The state of the world, our own communities will not survive on these selfish drivers, but require more compassion and humane approach to whatever you are doing, be it business, schooling, it will require good character to come through successfully. It is disheartening. Look at it this way. Now you know and can identify people who are not good for you. Tough lesson, yes, an eye opener, and different attitude than what you are used to, but it will help you survive and be happy in the short term, and the long run. In the short term, privately congratulate yourself are how awesome brave you are to survive this situation with the ex N gracefully. There is nothing you could have done to change the outcome with this guy. Nothing. It was going to happen whether you wear red, green, black, answered his phone call, ignored it, were serious with him or funny with him. It is just how he operates, and not change, and probably get worse. There are good guys out there, who are weathly, got it together (you like those types!) fun, adventurous, want to treat a lady like a lady, and be into you, loyal and romantic too. One day, he will come along, and you will go ooohhmygd. Its a miracle. Have patience, take some fun classes or try your hand at something new, keep it going. Realize that you attracted a "great guy" who was actually filthy character inside (if I remember him and your description of him correctly),,he did some not so nice things and treated you poorly. Treating you poorly is not good for you, so it is best he is out of the picture. Tough to grasp, but soon enough, you will restore your life and do not get down about being without him. There is a huge, wonderful world out there full of intelligent, caring people who have humanity.
Mar 5 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
Jessika (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi Amazed ;o)

Thanks so much for that reply. Yes, (LOL) you do have it right about the kind of guy I like, as well as the behavior of my ex-N (great memory). Again, thank you! Jessika
Mar 6 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
peacewarrior
peacewarrior's picture

Jessika, I work in a

Jessika, I work in a hospital unit and have contact with so many patients, their friends and families. Yes, there are toxic, obnoxious and pathalogical people out there. I used my job and the vriety of personalities to apply my new eduction and take ation in wisdom. It was uncomfortable at first but I can now call security to ask for protection when the occasional nut job is maintaining hell for me and coworkers. I empathize deeply with you regarding the loss of innocence that there are pathalogical and even toxic persons who are destructive to others. Prior to my experience I was not scared as hell to do something routine e.g. take a bubble bath, go to a class or go to the gym. Ggoing through hell on earth orchestrated by a so called 'loved one' using those activities to distort me pathologize me on a rampage to destroy me. It is the loss of any sense of safety when someone close to you versus a stranger would comm it psycholgical or physical violence to my self and other loved ones. My ex had N or P defenses to claim he did something eg he showered...then automatically declare I did not then spin fiction to control his false identiy by contrast to con people he is sane so I and others are "insane". He did not exercise at all..so my physical activities were used to spin and campaign a class at a gym was psychotic behavior. You wrote that you set boundaries. Is this uncomfortable for you? Or are you so conscious of the necessity and vigilant to evaluate if a person respects you? If so this is positive. You added how these inappropriate men will then say things DEFINING you to you. That necessitates another boundary for it is unacceptable to you and most of us to be defined. People will react to limits saying negative things to justify their first misstep. The rule of two is good for if a person crosses lines or violates our limits twice, it is a good indicator to remove ourselves from them. You, I and everyone has a right to say no to unwanted touch, probing personal questions or "too much information" for the type of relationship. It is better I think to not respond to the confabulated defining of us by a relative stranger, instead reinforce the limit you set. lol there are some instances of a person assuming things about me I'd like a do over to assert myself for I did not and that enabled my ex and his deceptions. Hang in there for this more accurate and wisdom experience shall become easier. It's uncomfortable for me to recognize red flags, have courage to set limits and accept outcomes. That beats the heck out of getting stabbed in the back, violated and trampled later. I am 55 now and must say the 20's to mid 30's generation is prone to narcissism and society shifted in that direction.
Mar 6 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
Jessika (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you

so much for your response peacewarrior. It is uncomfortable for me to set boundaries with such overt effort. I can set boundaries, however now it's different now. It's like now the thought is, "here we go again... a narc/ narc behavior"- someone not even caring how such a severely personal question (asking me when I last climaxed) when I DON'T even know them would be SO uncomfortable and offensive to me. Nope--- it is all about 'them' and stimulating THEIR dead brains. Their dead brains require the high stimulation that comes from sex talk or whatever their particular choice of stimulation is. That's the part of boundary setting that angers me, ya know :o/ Peacewarrior I so wish this current generation 20's - 30's were more like the generations that can long before us. I completely agree with you. At least back then it was CLEARLY sociably unacceptable to address a woman like that and it wasn's seen as a joke. However, the narcissism (even the none NPD level) makes it hard for people like me. I am far too empathic. True that may be my weakness.... but that is who I am and I can't change that I am a empath. I FEEL everything... I feel when I am around dangerous energy (even more than i used to) and it sickens me and ruins whatever activity I am engaged in. That is the part I need to learn how to deal with. I am an empath and there ARE NPD and people with narcissistic patterns out there. -- it's hard peacewarrior and I don't know quite how to address it. Again, thanks bunches for replying! It was really helpful. Jessika :o)
Mar 6 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Empath

yes I am like that too. Most people go to therapy to get 'less defended" and break down defenses - I go to learn how to put them up! I am far too sensitive to others' energies. Killer when around toxic people like N's. I would guess a lot of people on this board are like that too actually - it's what N's use to break in - its easy - few barriers.
Mar 6 - 6PM (Reply to #8)
Jessika (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yeah

wallaby. You're probably right about others being extremely empathic here on this board. For me, I just don't like it anymore. I know I have to accept it. However, since my experience it has been very hard to be around narcissistic and definitely NPD people for any period of time (i.e., even 15 mins). I wish I were more in the middle. You know N's are at one spectrum and empaths at the other. I just want to be in the middle, with good boundaries, so that I can just 'keep it moving' and not be so affected with FEELING these people.. their energy/ poison, and of course feeling so offended when they approach me. It is obvious I have more work to do on myself. I am just at a loss as far as how to tone done empathy.. I mean, it is how my brain is wired- so I just don't know. However, for right now it is contributing to my unhappiness. Sorry to bring others down with what is likely an existential type of personal crisis. Thanks again everyone for all the awesome advice.... really appreciated.
Mar 7 - 2AM (Reply to #10)
neveragain
neveragain's picture

Don't Change Who You Are

You wrote: Sorry to bring others down with what is likely an existential type of personal crisis. Your post isn't bringing others down.....it's pertinent and very timely. The society we're in is breeding Narcissism at an alarming rate. The media (i.e. "reality" shows) and the Baby Boomer parents who think Little "Astroid" is soooo special (so they named him a 'special' name) are also contributing to this phenomenon. It's about time we educated ourselves and thereby arming ourselves against the effects of being in the same solar system of a Narcissist. Only through finding out the facts of this "disorder"....(such a benign word for such an insidious thing)....can we truly begin to find our "voice" and protect ourselves and our children from the N's of the world. You don't have to change one thing about yourself except how you view and deal with Narcissists. Narcissists are e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e and we cannot avoid contact with them. However, we can control whether or not we're in a close relationship with them and if they're someone we have to work with or see in a social setting, then we can navigate that interaction waaay better knowing WHAT THEY ARE. One thing I do with those "fringe" N's is that if I do have to talk to them, I turn the conversation back to them....giving them very little information about myself and giving them the psuedo-supply they require by encouring them to 'talk about themselves'. I'll ooooh and ahhhh accordingly and then exit the conversation as quickly as possible. Thanks for bringing up this topic. It's important that we continue to find ways to deal with this problem that isn't going to go away any time soon! neveragain
Mar 6 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I understand

And spend a lot of time alone because of it. It is hard.