Relationship with the pathological narcissist-- in a nutshell.

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#1 Feb 13 - 11PM
baddream
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Relationship with the pathological narcissist-- in a nutshell.

Fantasy/Pretend Guy Phase:

You have just met and he has swept you off your feet. You can't believe you have finally met Mr. Right, where has he been all your life? He takes interest in everything you do, very attentive, showers you with gifts and compliments, calls you all day long, spends hours making love to you until you think he is the best lover you ever had, tells you that you are his soul-mate and this has always meant to be, IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU.

And what do you do during this phase? You let down all your defenses, give yourself to him and tell him how wonderful he is. This is what he needs and wants to hear.

Relationship Phase:

After the initial phase which lasts until he has you hooked, you are now in a relationship. This could mean that you are now boyfriend-girlfriend, engaged, married, or moved in together. Now it is time for a little reality.

Gradually the mood starts to shift. You notice some things, big and/or small but he is not looking like the man you met. You tell yourself that the honeymoon phase is over--now you are in a relationship and sometimes that takes some work.

All is No Longer Paradise Phase:

You start to notice more things. He says odd things sometimes. You wonder why some of his friends no longer talk to him, or why he can not hold on to a job. He always has money problems and this is putting strain on your relationship. He may drink too much or be involve with drugs. He may have some odd physical ailments that he always uses as a crux. You notice that he does not have a good relationship with anyone in his family and says bad things about a lot of people who were part of his past and are no longer in his life.

You become suspicious that some of the things he tells you are not true. You notice that he turns his phone off a lot. Sometimes when he is out you can not reach him. Some of his stories do not add up. You start to believe there could be someone else and do a little research.

You may find out there is another woman or that he is not the person you thought he was.

The Confrontation Stage:

You confront him with some of the things that displease you. He can not take criticism. He may or may not seem to get angry. Perhaps he will give you the silent treatment, not take your calls, leave and disappear for awhile. You have just had your first devalue & discard experience and are very confused.

Sick & Distraught Phase:

You do not understand what has happened. You try to figure this out. Were you wrong to confront him? You want to work this out. You remember how he used to be during the fantasy stage. You miss him terribly. You would do anything to take back what you said to him. You decide to try to work this out, whatever the cost. You call him and apologize.

Or.....you do not call him and he calls you. You are so happy and relieved to hear from him that you take him back with open arms. All is forgiven.

Cycle Keeps Repeating Itself Phase:

Now you are back in your relationship and the above cycle and phases keep repeating itself. Except the wonderful guy you first met is gone forever. After the first d&d it will never be the same again. You have been taken off your pedestal forever and N will never look at you the same way again. The days when it was all about you are gone forever. If you are lucky you will make it to the next phase which is the....

Realizing & Accepting he is a Narcissist Phase:

What is wrong with this guy? By the time you have arrived at this point you KNOW there is something very wrong with your man. You do your research, read books, go on the web--he is a NARCISSIST. You find out that he is not a human being, you are a victim and all he wants you for is narcissistic supply.

You are shocked and sickened by this knowledge. It is hard to accept. You are grief stricken by the knowledge that the man you have loved and given so much has conned you and never cared. You struggle to accept this. It is too difficult.

You look for every reason to believe that this can not possibly be true. Everything you read tells you NO CONTACT.

You may go backwards and feel you must contact your N to validate the relationship and prove to yourself that this could not be true. You must not go back and repeat the earlier phases. The realization phase is the MOST DIFFICULT because you must accept what happened and that is painful. You must internalize this knowledge and act upon it.

The Anger Phase:

If you have reached this phase then you are on your way to healing. You have ACCEPTED the truth which was unbelievable and unbearable. Let yourself be angry. Relive it all in your mind. It will help you stay away with the toxic narcissist.

Moving On:

You must let go. You will never forget what the narcissist did, but you will accept that he he mentally ill and will not get better. You must forgive yourself for being vulnerable and HUMAN and letting this happen. You will realize that you were a victim, this is a bad and evil person and there will no longer be a place for him in it.

Once you have let go you may be lonely. You must get to know yourself again. Forgive yourself, you have done nothing wrong. You had an experience with a bad person, but there are many other wonderful people in the world and you have your whole life ahead of you.

Feb 14 - 12AM
Piscesdream
Piscesdream's picture

That's exactly what I

That's exactly what I experienced and am experiencing right now. I'm SO TIRED of missing him. I'm tired. There's a quote Lisa put on her profile page: demented and sad, but social. That sums him up too. Today (the 13th) was his birthday. I hope he had a bad one.
Feb 14 - 4AM (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

why we miss them

The early days of being wooed and lured by a pathological are the most exciting times that women remember. Consistently described as “charming” the pathological is irresistible in his personality traits. Women described him as “a charming and engaging conversationalist, agreeable, insightful, sweet, twinkling eyes, a compelling talker, funny, a great storyteller, fun to be with, delightful, exciting, companionable, loyal, enthusiastic, upbeat, fun-loving, intense, and sensitive.” From this list of traits, it’s easy to see why women are enamored with his personality. By this list, what’s not to like? During the luring stage, he is highly complimentary. Pathologicals use intensity and then flattery to overwhelm her emotionally, and then set her at ease. The purpose of the luring stage is to hook her. The purpose of the honeymoon stage is to hoodwink her. In the pathological’s arsenal to achieve this hooking and hoodwinking, is any person, place, thing, word, or behavior that will sell her on his illusion. While she is reeling in flattery, swimming in the bonding-hormone oxytocin (from all the sex), and snuggling up to his stories of their future lives together… the pathological is solidifying his internal imprint in her by his use of trance and capitalizing on her suggestibility. Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 14 - 12AM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

In the nutshell with a nut

Once you have let go you may be lonely. You must get to know yourself again. Forgive yourself, you have done nothing wrong. You had an experience with a bad person, but there are many other wonderful people in the world and you have your whole life ahead of you. There is the best part of your post, you had a experience with a person that was BAD. I dont find myself lonely but I do find myself feeling utterly destroyed, I am damaged sexually, I feel ashamed I lowered myself for a mentally ill person. I am having a bad weekend because I am reading alot of this site and expressing my feelings, that means I have some things bottled up and need to get them out. There ARE still wonderful people in the world but would I accept them now? I dont think so, I am not quite mentally healthy enough, I still see the predator in the back of my mind what haunts me the most was my strong fierce sexual addiction I had to him and the love and trust I felt when I was with him, it was all for nothing, nothing was ever given back to me. I did all the loving and bonding and connecting to just someone who faked it all, it was a total violation of my body and my emotions. While I was caressing him and saying his name during sex he was probably laughing at me to himself, boy did he get supply from me, he sucked me bone dry in the end. He should have enough supply from me to last him a lifetime
Feb 14 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
baddream
baddream's picture

Monsters

The hardest part to accept was that I was sharing a bed, and fell in love with a monster. My soul was in mortal danger, and it took my years to understand this. Yes, we were sucked dry and then thrown away-- to be replaced with new supply. Thank goodness we are away from them, and can replenish and make ourselves whole again. They took so much when we were with them that there was nothing left for ourselves or anyone else in our lives.
Feb 14 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
Piscesdream
Piscesdream's picture

Now I understand why he said

Now I understand why he said (when I was breaking up with him), "take this time to improve your life." At first, I thought he meant because he didn't want the same commitment as me. Maybe he was giving me a sign along with "I've never been in love" and "I'm going to be the one who ends up alone."
Feb 14 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
rache
rache's picture

That wasn't him

feeling anything for you-"take this time to improve your life".i'd take that as he thinks your life N EEDS improvement,and,it does!First step in right direction was dumping his ass.
Feb 14 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I'm going to be the one who ends up alone."

Some of them may think "poor victim, she is a nice girl but I am who I am and she is not more special than anyone, but they dont give a shit, he is not thinking about your welfare trust me he was out to use you for his own needs. Take time to improve your life, ya 1st step is getting him out of your life that is the only way you can improve your life but then you have to heal from all the damage, as time goes on you will experience Rage, deep betrayal, intense crying periods you cant control, withdraw from him, then comes the period you blame yourself and think you werent good enough for him, DONT GO THERE, there is nothing wrong with you only that you got involved with a predator and you did not know, you were a victim just as all the rest are in his life. Expose yourself to HEALTHY men and see the difference, BUT NOT NOW, Barbara says 18 months and trust me you wont have any interest for a long time. You must first undo the damage that was done to you, you will find it quite a challenge
Feb 14 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
angelgal
angelgal's picture

WOW, Cynthia

It sure is a challenge to undo the damage that "fireguy" has caused me. I've been experiencing all the things you mentioned, the anger of all his lies and deceit, crying spells that come and go, withdraw from not seeing him (which is nuts) and feelings of not being good enough as to why he treated me like he did. You really are and so helpful, Cynthia to me, and to everyone here. Your bad experience with that low life Sheriff will never be in vain. The thought of new men, sex, dating etc...makes me ill and really scares me to death! I know it will take a long time for me to get back out there. Barbara has the 18 month time frame about right for me!
Feb 14 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Glad I helped

Your bad experience with that low life Sheriff will never be in vain. I cant think of one single reason why this had to happen to any of us, we cant pick and choose in life and will never know why it was our turn to be a victim, we just crossed paths at the wrong place and time when we met up with them. He was REAL bad, Barbara ranked him pretty far up there on the sociopath scale just as sick as psycho boy. Psycho boy hides behind a church, mine hides behind a badge and pretends he is in a relationship with his live in GF, nice cover he has established for himself in the community. He was the sickest man I have ever got to know up close and personal in my entire life. You can skim through some of the past posts and see from what I wrote what he had to offer me in the end, it wasnt pretty. He did so much damage to me but I am soo much better than I was last year, I have only been out maybe 3 or 4 months I kept listening to the sick mans messages and would call him back when I was weak and it just never ended, he kept me in that stuck phase for a long time. Remember the day you start NC is day ONE of about 18 months if you slip you start all over again... Naturally I became stronger and wiser to the truth in later contacts but you have to sever it completely and never listen to them, ever. I truly do like to help others because I remember how it was for me and how Barbara took me in and pounded the truth into me over and over and over trying to wake me up out of that horrible spell he put me under with cold hard facts about them. You did not walk away from love, always remember that when you think you are missing them in your life, it was NEVER love and never will be.