Figuring things out takes time, bottom line. Sad but true.

Actually not so sad really, if you look at life as one big journey of continuous learning.

If you could take the emotional pain and suffering out of the equation, the learning part is actually kind of satisfying and fun!

That's because for some of us (me especially), it's fun to find out you weren't insane after all!

I treasure everything I have learned in the past year of trying to figure my life out.

Just a shame to have to go through hell to learn this stuff, isn't it? Oh well, that's life I guess! No instruction manuals, etc.

Listen, I feel for you so much, totally understand what you are going through. We all do. I am 40, have kids, and have experienced the same situation.

It is EXTREMELY COMMON, and so is the way you are feeling - confused about whether or not to stay with him, afraid of losing your kids.

You are not alone, first and foremost, please please realize that. There is great comfort for me, knowing I am not alone in having gone through this experience.

I was lied to for 14 years by a Narcissist Psychopath, whom I have children with.

The exact term for the lies I have lived through is "Gaslighting".

It'll make ya feel crazy, sister!

Read all the articles on here about Gaslighting.

I was an honest person, I didnt have a clue that "Gaslighting" even existed.
I simply thought I was going insane for many years.

It is a terrible existence feeling that way. This was all before the internet and way before this website.

I developed cancer from the stress of it all.

You need to talk this all out to figure out what you are going to do for your future, and that will take time.

You need to go to a female counselor (not a male, they just can't relate as well, my opinion). If you don't click with her, try another until you find one you click with.

Avoid the "religious" based counselors. You've got enough scripture in your life for now! ha ha

And go to counseling ALONE for now, - NOT marriage counseling. You need to figure out if you really want to give away any more of your precious life to this guy.

Regular psychologists or other type certified counselors should work just fine to help you get this sorted out.

Remember, counselors are only human, and since they are only human, not everything they suggest may work for you. Remember that and listen with an open mind but not blind faith. You have to ultimately decide all things for yourself, in order to have faith you are making good decisions for you. Sounds vague but take it day by day to get through this mess, and gain an understanding of how you feel about things as your unravel it all.

Also try to get a counselor who is your age or older (she will have more life experiences and can relate to you, hopefully).

Figuring things out takes time, that is simply how it works.

I suggest reading everything on this site, spend an hour or more a day, educating yourself.

Ultimately, learning all you can is the key to helping you make your decision.

Having said all that, let me now give you my personal opinion. Remember, you can take it or leave it of course.

I think your husband is a Life-Long Liar. Don't know if he is a Narcissist or Psychopath, but very well could be, since he cheated on you for so long, I feel confident he does not have much of a conscience. He is only sad he was caught, if anything.

Him telling the kids your personal problems within the marriage, that you were unfaithful - makes him a real bastard in my opinion. He did this to smear you and turn the kids against you. Not a nice guy. A hateful loser, actually. Again, no conscience - didnt even care that the kids suffer by being told all this stuff, too!

I think your husband hides behind religion and the scriptures to control you, and hide his bad deeds. Again, very common, by the way - he is by no means the first to use religion to control a spouse and appear virtuous to others, when in actuality he is a very twisted man on the inside.

Walking on eggshells. Sucks doesnt it? I did it for 14 years. It's no way to live. I was in a relationship for 7 years before that - no eggshells in that one. That one was pretty normal.

The difference between the eggshell one and the non-eggshell one was night and day. It really was!

I think you already know in your heart you want to leave this man for good, just don't know how without losing the kids. I understand.

That is why, this is just going to take time, for you to get your head straight, get knowledgable of what you have endured for 18 years, talk it out with a counselor, make a decision, and get a plan together. You can also take this time to re-establish a stronger relationship right now, with your kids.

I think the worst case scenario is you stay with him, he appears to straighten up for a little while, then goes back to the same old ways (sex and porn addictions are strong addictions, by the way, and require professional help...... and Narcissism can't really be helped professionally - they only lie, lie, and lie some more to the counselors, according to the info out there about these Narcissists. Same true for Psychopaths. I am only repeating what I have read around here and elsewhere).

Good luck to you, I hope you and your kids are safe and God watches over you while take time to figure out what you want for the rest of your life.

In the end I hope your decision is based on hope, and not fear. I want to see you truly peaceful, and hopefully happy- as I do for everyone here, and for myself.

God bless you!

you felt unloved by this man and ended up feeling loved by another. Same thing happened to me except opposite, my husband abused me and I went into the fake loving arms of a sociopath, I was perfect bait. Feeling unloved is horrible, to feel so lonely and alone thats when you say and know the relationship is WRONG and you deserve so much more.My husbands abuse lead me to self destruction I went from one abuser to a professional top notch abuser because I was so lonely. I resent my husband to this day for not making me feel loved

I too, was driven to an affair by my exNH.

Go to the SHARE YOUR STORY section and read these stories.

Grossot is right. Your NH had no right to say a word to the children. That is harmful to them and emotional blackmail. Call some tough divorce lawyers, get 2-3 free consults and hire a bulldog because Narcs rarely let go easily. Have them explain your options to you. But do NOT tell your NH you are doing this.

What you do is up to you but children deserve a healthy, N-free home. Mine are sure enjoying theirs.

~~~~~~~~~
The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem

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