Lisa E. Scott

Ready to file for divorce. Why can't I make the call to the atty??

Ready to file for divorce. Why can't I make the call to the atty??
Posted Tue, 02/09/2010 - 16:47

From reading other posts, I know this is nothing new, but it is for me. Married for 7 years to a N before leaving 3 years ago.. YES.. 3 years ago. Hoped all this time he would "come around" and make the changes I needed but of course - I am the one with the problem according to him. I KNOW in my head nothing will ever change and need to get this divorce in the works but every time I go to make the appointment with the attorney, I start to be concerned with how hard this may be on him. What is the matter with me??? He hasn't cared enough about me to be there for me when I have needed him most (the death of my brother for one example).

It just feels like I need a slap. And of course he is being nice again and I am missing the "good times" we had. I can see how the journaling while living with him would be a huge help now.

thanks for listening. I just feel frozen/stuck.

‹ M. Scott Peck Power & Control: DV in America ›

Do It!

Wed, 02/10/2010 - 18:39 — agnesmurphy17

Three years separated & you are still talking to this guy? You'll never move on. No contact. He'll always be nice & promise everything when he thinks you're leaving. Finality & closure it the last things these guys want. I hope you got all the financials straightened out. All your possessions away. If he's a true N, when he feels like he's losing control over you, he's gonna get enraged, go ballistic, & seek to destroy you.

RE: Do it!

Wed, 02/10/2010 - 21:01 — breakingfree

You are so right. I can see what you are talking about. The anger when he doesn't get his way. I think my own fear of his anger is what stops me. I have a great support system. It is time for closure. Thank you.

because...

Tue, 02/09/2010 - 16:56 — Barbara (not verified)

its a scary thing to do.

but please make the call. You DESERVE better. Only you can stop the pain & abuse.

~~~~~~~~~
The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem

Visit My Abuse Website

What I can't understand is

Tue, 02/09/2010 - 17:21 — breakingfree

What I can't understand is why I am so concerned about how he will feel. About how hurt he may be. The fact is, he most likely will be angry. The marriage counselor we went to told me to be sure I do whatever it takes to protect myself from him - he has not been physically abusive (except for 1 shove in a store on our honeymoon) but much more emotionally, like I don't exist or matter. It is odd that I would be concerned with hurting him. Is that crazy? or is it an excuse not to face what needs to be done?

When the police came round

Wed, 02/10/2010 - 16:31 — AnotherPath

When the police came round and said they were going to look for him and arrest him as I was sitting in the ambulance, I said I didn't want him to be arrested because he would get a criminal record and that would be so bad for him. As I was in the hospital being told my jaw may be broken, and I'm a flute player, I was really more concerned about his feelings. I even called his friend and said "he's going to need your help he's in trouble"!!!!!!!!

What I hadn't expected was the aftermath. He did get his criminal record and has spend the last two years trying to destroy me. I was shocked that he didn't give a damn about what he'd done (again) and the LIES that came from him were unbelievable. I realise now it was stockholm syndrome. Knowing what I do now, I wish I'd done him for GBH (grievous bodily harm) as I brought it down the battery so he wouldn't go to jail. Now knowing what he is, I wish he'd gone to jail, I wish he didn't exist, but wishes are pointless and I have to let go of that.

Brace yourself for you're going to find out his true colours once you leave, and it's not good. He will rage and rage and rage some more. But at least you get to "really" see him and all that concern for him will die away very quickly when the reality sets in that he's truly EVIL and you'll be in a much healthier place.

RE: Police..

Wed, 02/10/2010 - 21:16 — breakingfree

OMGosh. Barbara mentioned Stockholm Syndrome to me and I looked it up. That is exactly what has happened here. What is so amazing is how the victim doesn't see what is happening. I don't like the idea of being a "victim" and am ready to no longer be a victim. One thing he has shown me is how little he cares for my well-being both legally and emotionally.

Sounds like you had some really hard times and am so sorry to hear that. I hope that you are in a better place now and that life is moving along well for you. Thank you so much for your comments.

jisturm

Tue, 02/09/2010 - 17:28 — Barbara (not verified)

it's Stockholm Syndrome...

he won't be hurt... he'll be pissed off that he's lost control... and he will rage

so make sure your attorney gets him out of the home and a restraining otder for you as SOON as you file

~~~~~~~~~
The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem

Visit My Abuse Website

Thank you Barbara. I will

Tue, 02/09/2010 - 20:43 — breakingfree

Thank you Barbara. I will check out your website and read up on Stockholm Syndrome. I know once this is over I will feel better.

I really appreciate your words.
Judy

jisturm

Tue, 02/09/2010 - 21:21 — Barbara (not verified)

let me and every woman on this board know how we can support you on this journey

please look around the MESSAGE BOARD - there's a bunch of messages about DIVORCE, working with Divorce Attorneys, Custody, Restraining Orders, etc etc.

~~~~~~~~~
The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem

Visit My Abuse Website

My advice would be to gather

Wed, 02/10/2010 - 17:25 — itreallyisabouthim

Maybe because it's really scary and you sense it's not easy? My advice would be to gather EVERY bit of support you can around you as you start the process. Educate every person around you that you feel cares about you and will be there for you that there will likely be a strong reaction and fallout, and that you anticipate needing a lot of support while you weather the storm. If there is anything you can do to put self care on autopilot (find a yoga class and commit to going once a week, schedule a weekly massage) - whatever is realistic for you in your situation - do that. Remember to eat and talk, talk, talk. If you don't have a good therapist that understands Narcissism, get one. These are all the things that are seeing me through my process. I sort of wish I'd put more emphasis on self care and made sure I had a physical outlet such as exercise factored in to my life. I find I'm scrambling to get things done (gather evidence, type stuff up, just get through my day) and this is the one area I feel I'm lacking.

And then...take a deep breath...and just do it. Maybe once you feel prepared you will find it easier to move forward. Know that it's a process and the sooner you start the sooner it will be "over".

Re: My advice...

Wed, 02/10/2010 - 21:26 — breakingfree

Hi and thank you.

You are so right. I do have a great support system, family, friends. Just no therapist but may check into one.

It has been easy to postpone dealing with this becuase I have been living at my son's house (have an unbelievable daughter-in-law), allowing me to go back to school and get my degree and make a career change. I was working for him before - all my time was controled by him, working 10-11 hour days, 6-7 days a week; no ownership in the business - it was a nightmare. So it is great to be out of that. But now it is time to face the music. I will take your advice to be aware of self care.

Tomorrow I call the attorney to make the appointment to file for divorce. I need this over with - whatever happens in the process.

It sounds like your words come from experience. I hope your journey has gone well for you and your a stronger woman for it. Thank you for your input and your time to write.

jisturm

Wed, 02/10/2010 - 22:30 — Barbara (not verified)

you will ABSOLUTELY NEED A counselor during the divorce.

No "may check into one" about it. This is not a choice. Get one... a good trauma counselor would help tremendously. And a lawyer with b*lls.

~~~~~~~~~
The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem

Visit My Abuse Website

Oh yeah. A lawyer with

Wed, 02/10/2010 - 23:24 — itreallyisabouthim

Oh yeah. A lawyer with b*lls is a must. Another thing I would do differently if I had it to do over. Mine has SOME, but not quite enough.