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The biggest problem following an experience with an N, for me
serene69
Member since:
2 years 19 weeks
2 years 19 weeks
Last activity:
2 years 6 weeks
2 years 6 weeks
The biggest problem following an experience with an N, for me
Posted February 9, 2010 - 10:09am
I think the hardest thing to accept when dealing with the aftermath of an experience with an N is that lack of closure that one might perhaps get following the ending of a 'normal' relationship.
What I am finding difficult it never having had the chance to say to my N what affect he had had on me, how much he had hurt me.
I do so want to send him a letter or email saying how in my 20 years of relationships, he has been the most cruel and sadistic person I have ever come across. I want to tell him how much he has hurt me, and how angry I am for him taking advantage of my kind nature.
I want to tell him I pity him for his inability to get intimate with someone, I pity him for the fact he has spent 20 years cheating on his partners. That I pity him for having such a self-destructive lifestyle.
But I know there is no point. I have written that letter, but just kept it to myself. I know if I did email or write to him, he would not comprehend, he would just laugh. As after all, he is always right - and I was never really anything to him.
I have learnt much about myself from this experience, in a good way. I have learnt that I am a good person. Indeed though I have been sad at times, and will continue to get upset still at times for a while following this experience, I know I have had great relationships in the past, and have never fallen out with any of my ex's. I have never cheated and I am pretty sure I have not been cheated on either prior to my N.
I know what it can be like to be truly happy and content - and I know this will come again to me in the future.
For my N, on the surface he seems confident and happy with everything. But I know he is really an empty shell and will never enjoy life like I have and will.
© E. Scott Enterprises | Lisa E. Scott
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I can share with what
February 10, 2010 - 9:30pm — lili124I can share with what everyone is saying here. I just lost my long e mail but I continue to journal, pray and hopefully will be strong have NC. Thanks for all your posts
I can share with what
February 10, 2010 - 9:30pm — lili124I can share with what everyone is saying here. I just lost my long e mail but I continue to journal, pray and hopefully will be strong have NC. Thanks for all your posts
I can share with what all of
February 10, 2010 - 9:22pm — lili124I can share with what all of you are saying. My ex n was engaged to me for six months and one day he left his e mail wide opened on an internet dating site and I found it. I confronted him and of course he lied. I still stay engaged to him for several more months but was very cautious about what was going on. He always told me I didn't know how to have a relationship so that it would take the blame off of him. I felt very hurt and betrayed by reading that e mail with this other female.
As I look back I belive that he was internet dating the whole time before he needed that extra supply even though we were engaged. Thank goodness God got my attention and I broke it off six months ago. I had recently heard from him him and he kept telling me he still loved me etc, but he was on match.com seeking other women. I am not sure about these guys but I now know it was more him than me.
Sometimes I want to call so bad and tell him what I think but if I do it will do not good but cause pain for me. I just pray and journal and also I have been writing things about him that were negative such as abusive, toxic, etc. This has helped me out a lot. I just need to be strong so that if he calls one day I do not accept him call. As time goes on I feel myself returning to normal. Thanks for all your posts. This board helps me out so much in my recovery.
I can share with what all of
February 10, 2010 - 9:22pm — lili124I can share with what all of you are saying. My ex n was engaged to me for six months and one day he left his e mail wide opened on an internet dating site and I found it. I confronted him and of course he lied. I still stay engaged to him for several more months but was very cautious about what was going on. He always told me I didn't know how to have a relationship so that it would take the blame off of him. I felt very hurt and betrayed by reading that e mail with this other female.
As I look back I belive that he was internet dating the whole time before he needed that extra supply even though we were engaged. Thank goodness God got my attention and I broke it off six months ago. I had recently heard from him him and he kept telling me he still loved me etc, but he was on match.com seeking other women. I am not sure about these guys but I now know it was more him than me.
Sometimes I want to call so bad and tell him what I think but if I do it will do not good but cause pain for me. I just pray and journal and also I have been writing things about him that were negative such as abusive, toxic, etc. This has helped me out a lot. I just need to be strong so that if he calls one day I do not accept him call. As time goes on I feel myself returning to normal. Thanks for all your posts. This board helps me out so much in my recovery.
"I know I have had great
February 10, 2010 - 9:37pm — itreallyisabouthim"I know I have had great relationships in the past, and have never fallen out with any of my ex's. I have never cheated and I am pretty sure I have not been cheated on either prior to my N."
Those are exactly the sorts of thoughts and reflections that have helped me know it was not me but him. We are not who they try to make us be and we have past history to back us up on this. I have had full on breakups in the past that were EONS more respectful and classy than even the first month with my STBX N. It's THEM.
My N has said many times "every one of my relationships has been a DISASTER". It's true - the exes are conspicuously missing from his entourage of admirers. I still have respect and affection both to and from most of my past relationships. They didn't work out, but we didn't have to run each other over about it.
Hate to tell you
February 10, 2010 - 8:29pm — agnesmurphy17Hate to tell you, but your N always hated you. Anger & malice & envy & hate are the only genuine emotions these Ns feel. Don't waste your time wanting to tell him anything, he doesn't care. According to him, it's all your fault anyhow. He'll only use your words & emotions to hurt you more. And enjoy doing it. For me, the closure came when I came to understand what it means to have "no empathy." When I fully comprehended that, then I lost the desire to communicate anything to him. Oh, I am angry, obsessed, humiliated . . . but him . . . I am finished with him. A term I learned from my N: "I am finished with x person." I think they all say the object/victim is crazy. I told mine I didn't like being called names, & I had never called him a name. His response, "You're just too well brought up for that!" I was on my way out then anyhow . . . but really . . . putting a person down for being well brought up & polite. Says it all! One can never win, or be right, with a N.
"I am finished with x person."
February 10, 2010 - 8:44pm — itreallyisabouthimooOOH that reminds me. One time in an argument my STBX said "I'm DONE with you!!!" He later retracted that...probably meaning "Ok you've mellowed out and I'll keep you around a little longer. I'll be done with you later". I KNOW he was going to D & D me one day. I felt it in my bones even before learning anything about Narcissism.
Hah - I saw him for who he is and beat him to it.
No Closure
February 10, 2010 - 4:21pm — baddreamWell said, Serena69. It is true--there is never closure with an N. and that is how he wants it to be. Many N's are incapable of saying the word "good bye" because in their minds we were, and always will be a future supply source. Our purpose was to exist for him. N will never close the door and that makes it more difficult for us. The expression, "one door must close for another to open"....
N will not help you close the door. You must do it. I have written those same letters and have filed them away. Over the years I tried to explain it to him, and he pretended to understand, but he never did. It is more likely that they take what we say to them, twist it, and use it to manipulate us more at a future date.
One of the most puzzling statements from my N was "I never meant to hurt you".. This would always be his response to my grievances. It took me a long time to realize that whether intentional or not, he could not help it. Over time I have come to believe that hurting me was part of his agenda-- how much better when I kept coming back after his lies and cheating and oh, how powerful it made him feel.
The only closure you will have is the closure you give yourself. Write down your thoughts for you.. they will empower you. As time passes, and you think and read about these disordered people you will come to understand and internalize more. One day you will look back and not understand what you ever saw in this man.. you will be strong and he will no longer be in your thoughts.
Closure
February 9, 2010 - 5:33pm — cynthia (not verified)I battled that for a long time. I learned through trial and error that no matter how you tell them they destroyed your life and betrayed you it wont matter to them. I literally told mine he destroyed my life for over three years and betrayed and swindled me and the response I got: "That couldnt be further from the truth, and arent you too mature for saying childish things like that, that is so beneath you, I wont even listen to such bullshit". He told me I had a split personality and needed to be in a padded room. I am telling this man how horribly he hurt me and betrayed me and he calls me crazy and immature, so go make sense of that. A good clue when you bring up an issue with another person and they dont EVEN say, what do you mean how did I destroy your life? BIG RED FLAG most normal people would have the need to defend themselves if someone said something like that to them. They dont want to know because its the truth they already know they destroyed your life and they dont want to discuss it because they DONT CARE, its their way of taking the blame off of them so they just say, your crazy.
Write all the letters you want, DO NOT MAIL THEM, trust me he knows what he did to you, but they will never be able to feel the pain emotionally from being betrayed and abused like we do. I even told him I grew to love you very much and you betrayed me - even that didnt matter to him. Closure to me is not trying to make them understand what they did to our lives because they are unable, THEY LIKE to destroy good people they get a sick thrill out of it. Closure for me is understanding the behavior of a sociopath/psychopath/narcissist, knowing we did nothing wrong and knowing THEY are disordered, knowing they are pathological with all their relationships whoever is close to them is suffering also you can count on that. Closure is having the strength and wisdom to rise above them and with time you will become a better person than you were before you met them and peace will come to you and when you look back at them they will disgust you.
Closure
February 9, 2010 - 6:59pm — serene69Yes, they simply do not comprehend. My ex N has accused me of being a creep, crazy etc etc in emails in the past. I have never stooped to name calling in any of my contact. Which has now ended of course.
I know I am a good person and that he isn't. The fact he thinks I am not a good person doesn't count because he is so damaged. Though sometimes it is a bit hard still to think someone thinks badly of me. He has spent the last 20 yrs cheating on his partners - but oh no - there is nothing wrong with him! In some ways too I get a pleasure in thinking, well I am not an empty shell like him, that I will be truly happy again - but he has no soul and will be in torment for the rest of his life.
He says he hates me - which I guess in some way is good as then I have definitely been discarded. Buy my god, what an experience it has been. Thank goodness mine was only 6 months or so.
Bex
February 9, 2010 - 10:25am — Barbara (not verified)do some searches and look back thru all the pages of the message board... this non-closure has been talked about a lot.
they are so out of touch with reality, non-human and permanently disordered I doubt they know what closure is. Any closure would be a lie anyway
~~~~~~~~~
The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem
Visit My Abuse Website
Non closure
February 9, 2010 - 10:36am — serene69Yes I've read them - and was just agreeing really with the issue. I am doing well following my experience and starting to feel like my normal self most of the time. It is this non closure which I guess just comes to me at times, but I am gradually learning to accept it.
It is all so crazy really. I had 2 eight yr relationships beforehand which both ended amicably - basically with both my ex partners we had just grown apart and wanted different things in life. I am good friends with both still and they are like brothers to me.
Yet 6 months with an N - that I never even saw that much as most of the communication was either text or email - has been the most stressful/harmful experience.
I never even knew such men existed before. Unfortunately I do now however.
closure
February 9, 2010 - 11:57am — quietude (not verified)You got that right Bex, you can be with an N for even a short period of time, and the damage can be devastating. I didn't have a full grasp of NPD either until after my relationship ended, then it all started making sense.
As said on the boards by others, there is no closure that comes from them.
You can have 'your say' with them, but it falls on deaf ears. They are blameless, and if they do try to take any blame, it's likely to lure you back. Their intentions are NEVER good, and never meant to be helpful to you.
If anything, my 'closure' came from keeping strict No Contact with him. How much it effected him, and in what way.. that I ignored him totally, I'll never know?? But I have the satisfaction of sending the message that he is not important enough for him to even occur to me in the slightest (as far as he knows).
This is torture to them, they don't get why one of their adoring subjects might fall to the way-side. So, even if it gets under his skin for only 2 seconds, I'm good with that. Besides, no matter what he says or does in life, he'll always be an empty creature, always scrounging around for the next fix to feed his ravenous, disturbed self. He will never know what true peace is.
The good news is...he is gone. I count my blessings that as hard as recovery is, that evil is out of my life.
same here
February 9, 2010 - 7:15pm — Barbara (not verified)that was something that stumped me for years with Psycho-Boy; who I'd known close to 30 years!!
how:
- my exNH beating me up because of him
- going to the ER because of him
- going to a PTSD clinic because of him
- having to go to the police because of him
meant NOTHING to him. Not even worth an apology. I finally admitted he was a Narc but it took me longer to finally admit what he truly is... a SOCIOPATH. And pure EVIL.
~~~~~~~~~
The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem
Visit My Abuse Website
Also, anything we say to
February 10, 2010 - 8:16pm — itreallyisabouthimAlso, anything we say to them is just Narcissistic supply for them. So even in trying to make them understand what they did to us, we are giving to them. And bottom line - they are incapable of understanding anyway. All they hear is "me so big/me so powerful". They are simply totally pointless human beings.
Closure with a Criminal
February 10, 2010 - 8:32pm — AmazedWhat I have come to realize, is that the pathological N is a criminal.
I really can't put my life on stake for a criminal..just can't go there,,there is a more brilliant life that I want and need to be part of!
And,,Lack of Closure
February 10, 2010 - 8:38pm — AmazedI know all about the lack of closure,,,it is so unfair, so wrong, so horrible, so disgusting, so disheartening, and it takes time to pull through it.
The only closure, is what you bring yourself.
You have to bring yourself closure, in the pathological N relationship.
There is no common ground.
There is no place for discussion.
There are no grounds for debate.
There just isn't.
They have no character of good.
You cannot really "come to closure" or understanding like a normal break up.
It takes you, to bring closure from within, and thank almightly that you can do it.
Get support from others, talk about it with people who get it, who understand, and it will all sort out, and you will slowly come to that feeling, you desire, closure
Self closure
February 10, 2010 - 8:55pm — serene69Yes closure has to come from within. These Ns do not see reality as it is. I effectively pulled the plug on my relationship with my N when he was so emotionally brutal to me one day, i called his ex partner, who is the mother of his child. I knew this would be the catalyst that would end the 6 month cycle we had been in or nice/nasty one day to the next.
We had a good chat and she explained his past history to me, and was wonderful. She split from him due to 3 affairs he had had when they were together, plus all the online people he had been meeting for casual sex.
I told my N we had spoken and then he went absolutely mental. He has since accused me of trying to break up his family, yet he has been the one who has cheated with dozens of women since his child was born - and he split from his partner 12 months ago, and told me he was single!
So they do not make sense and I have accepted that. There is no point in discussions with them, no point in trying to reason. In his eyes I am a creep, a person who has tried to destroy his family. But I know I am not the bad person in this and that is what keeps me serene.