PTSD...barely holding head over water

I am making some progress to accept I am not guilty of anything that caused my daughter's cruel, lying and abusive behavior. Nor that she has no empathy or recognition of her unbelievable behavior or setting me up to use, abuse me. I am not all the fault of others going along as taught to be her whipping boy either.

I don't know which pieces of this to work through first or maybe there are so many components it's more than I am equipped to process.

I reached out to another daughter who is not N hopeful we could have a relationship between us and not what the N sister feeds her. I'd like to see 2 daughters who are not cruel however given they like to pretend dangerous destuctiv persons..manipulators don't do what they do..I am mourning what is not posible.

The exN/P died two years ago, horrible death from a brain tumor in the control center of the brain. People hypothesized after he died he could not ontinue to target me, glean a piece of info under the guise of "care" then do diabolical things self serving.

So after his death, immediately after...I heard enough from my kids to grasp "all" was my fult..their and their dad's behaviors..were going to be scapegoated and I was told only I needed "to be fixed"..they wanted to see me..yet the terms were clear. they do recognize "ommunication problems"..thn their resolution is..I get shipped for "fixing". We know t's don't fix us to lie, control, manipulate or brainwash us to let others be the only voicse and authority over us and others..nor dictate, order...be verbaly abusive.
I accepted them and declined the offer/terms.

After the experience with this daughter..viscious cycle repeated it's different. for the N/P dad is dead..so hope..the fragile thread is cut. this duaghter and the others are in varying degrees so damaged and it's permanent. Pre them it's going to always be whatever happens..only one person do all the changing-tag it's me.

I do still hav my interests, can still mentally desire yet I have zero motivation...everything pales in comparison to mourning the loss of one or more offspring. They are predictable..if one turns on you..the others are soon to follow..sheep. I believe at least subconsciously they learned the abuse, sadistic cruelty if you don't go along with the dominator..you'll be next.

Maybe it's my horror to not have any control and I feel despondent the remaining option is to stay away, remove myself. I lost a friend who told me she does not want to believe it's so bad...or my daughter outright lied to me..so that is another loss also.
I have had enough with people's ill advice if I am nice, cheerful, don't say this..that..have fun.then they will want me. the real issue is needing a scapegoat, entitlement, projection. they'd find be useful..if I'd be used...and have no feelings..to be used as a scapegoat..discarded senst off for "fixing"..then come back and do it again..."be" the Mr. Hyde of many..I pass.

I can work through the false accusations, distortion and projections. I am stuck, frozen to accept the familial dynamics to act as if nothing happened after burying me in it..and expectations...I come back for another round.

It's heartbreaking when an offspring is so dmaged like if you found out they are addicted to cocaine. It's worse if they con people yo are the drug addict..compounded abuse.

I can't stop people who scapegoat..it works for them. I have ceased trying to appeal to N daughter..she doesn't care..she serves her fictional sick self..as I was to do also.

I am beside myself with grief..shock I think that I can't exonerate myself..for no one cares about false blame, destruction, damages and they are fine if someone is abusive.