First off, I apologize for not writing on the boards for awhile. There are two reasons:

Reason #1

This site is successful because of all of us here. This site would not exist if it weren't for our collective support and ability to relate to one another on a level no one else can possibly understand. Let's not forget that. This is a safe site where we can all share.

However, I'd also like to point out who else makes this site possible. Her name is Barbara. Yes, this is a site that I created based on a vision I've always had of having an on-line support group for victims of narcissists. However, I do not have the time nor the strength it requires to respond to every discussion that comes up on this board.

Barbara does have that strength. Reading through this content every day triggers a lot of emotions for someone who's been abused themselves. I find it difficult to do that when trying to move on. As Barbara says, this is a great place for people to come when they initially realize they've been victimized by a narcissist, but it's also our expectation that you move-on from it and come back occassionally to reinforce things and offer advice to those who are just initially figuring it all out.

I also think it's important to note that Barbara chooses not to date. I find it hypocritical to post advice on this board at times because of my own personal dating life.

Barbara has dedicated her career to helping victims of emotional abuse. This is what she does for a living. I pay her to moderate my board, albeit nowhere near what she deserves, but I send her a small monthly check to moderate my board. Barbara is disabled and works from home. I work long hours as an HR professional and cannot be on the internet while at work. I'm the one responsible for enforcing a no-internet surfing policy at work. I can't break the rules that I myself enforce.

Because of my day job, I can't possibly be fully aware of what is going on at all times on the board. Therefore, I have asked Barbara to do this and she does with exteme dedication and loyalty to our members. I cannot risk losing my day job again (which I just did in October). It is the only thing that pays my bills.

This site would not have taken-off if it weren't for all of us helping one another and if it weren't for Barbara. Believe me, no one would return to a site that is not being moderated by someone at all times. And what kind of person starts a site they cannot monitor at all times? It would be irresponsible of me to do such a thing.

So yes, Fairy Wings, this site initially started as my site with Barbara as a visitor at first. Barbara has had her own site and forum for years. When I saw what dedication she had to this cause and realized that she might have an interest in moderating full-time, I jumped at the opportunity to have her do so. I am grateful that she does this work at such a discounted rate. This site would not be here still if it weren't for Barbara's commitment and dedication.

A member of the forum e-mailed me this morning to tell me what was going on. I thank you for that, dear member. I am going to call Barbara now to see how she is doing. I see she re-activated Ellen's right to post messages so you can stop asking her about that.

I also ask that you stop asking her what gives her the right to moderate the forum. The fact that I appointed her Forum Moderator is what gives her that right. Please don't question her again.

To Ellen, I apologize if you felt abandoned by this act, but I must back Barbara in her decision to do this. In simple terms, it's called "tough love" and I know it's hard, Ellen, but it's necessary. I will admit something to you that I think is important to this conversation. I have OCD. I've had it all my life and when going through the break-ups with my ex's, my OCD was heightened to an extreme.

Ellen - it is perfectly normal to obsess and "be stuck" where you are for right now. I know this better than most and it is critical that you hear from us that this is a normal reaction to the abuse. However, we all cannot enable this behavior. It wouldn't be right to do so.

I appointed Barbara moderator of this board and that means that she will do her job. Someone must confront and challenge the obsessive/compulsive behavior. That is what Barbara did. It's called "Exposure Response Prevention" and it's part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Feel free to Google it and perhaps you'll understand the good intentions Barbara had.

Not to mention, no one banned anyone from the board. Barbara was not "banning" anyone. She's only trying to help us. I hope you all know how much time Barbara spends weeding through SPAM for us and making sure no one breaks back onto our site? You may not know, but in the early days of this site, some member's enraged Narcissist broke into this site and destroyed it. That has not happened since Barbara started moderating the board.

I am going to reach out to Barbara now and I hope you will do the same. I am grateful to her for her commitment as I am grateful to all of you for your involvement and commitment to this cause. Let's not attack one another over needless drama that someone decided to create in an otherwise healthy and positive place.

Remember it is our ego that creates drama. One of you asked if we have all turned into a bunch of narcissists. Certainly, we have not, but I think we all need to check our ego at the door before posting anything on this site.

Narcmagnet said something I want us all to remember:

"To find this place on the web felt like a sanctuary!"

Let's keep it that way, members! I wish I had this site when I realized I was married to a raging narcissist who would never love me. Let's not lose sight of what we've worked so hard to create - A safe place for people coming out from under the disillusionment of a narcissist.

If you have moved on, we are so happy for you! However, please don't come back here and stir up drama which only creates negative energy for all of the victims on this site. It is really irresponsible and selfish of you to do so. Our members need NO MORE DRAMA in their lives. Please go elsewhere to create this drama, if need be. Otherwise, check your ego at the door.

Big Hugs to you all.

Let's move-on immediately please!

xoxo,
Lisa

I am aware I said yesterday I would not come to this site again, however I think it is important for you to have some facts and to know where I was coming from on this. I think it is important so that you are not being kept in the dark over this matter.

Firstly I was not attacking Barbara, however you will never know this because all the posts that I, and other visitors to this site posted under 'control' have been removed. All that remains is a post from Barbara in which she takes phrases of what I said and discusses them as stand alone pieces when in fact the context in which they were said was all important. Compartmentalising and taking things out of context is a tactic of abuse, however I am sure your own gut feelings will guide you on this.
I do not think for one minute that Barbara would see herself as an abuser and I for one have gained from her support, however again you will not be able to read that I have said this as my posts have been removed.

My comments were never intended to be a personal attack, I simply did not agree with Ellen being removed, if it was not Ellen it could have been you or me. I felt I had a duty to speak out. (Generally speaking people do not speak out until a problem affects them, that is why Domestic Violence is still seen as a private matter and why we have all had such a hard time making sense of what has happened to us)

I felt that Ellen was probably speaking for many in saying how she was feeling; maybe not everyone feels able to contribute, however I am sure a lot of people benefit from being able to read that others feel the same.
I thought this was a safe and sharing community; to find that a member was being judged and then removed shocked me. In Barbara's reply she says Ellen is stuck in self-blaming and that was why she took the action she did. Surely Ellen's self-blame will be even greater now because she has been victimised all over again. If she was climbing out of the hole she will be back in it again now.

If Ellen is stuck in self-blaming then that is where she currently is, it is all part of the process of coming out, of healing and everyone does it at their own pace. I am sure we all went through self-blaming and often that phase takes way longer than the books would have us believe, no matter how unproductive others think it is. It is not a linear line out, it is more like a coil that keeps going back on itself.

Ellen is clearly not to blame for the way abusive individuals in her life have treated her, however I think there is value in examining the part we played in the dynamics of the relationship. Knowing this and learning the warning signs of potential abusers will help us to run next time. If we do not go through this phase at our own pace before we know it we will have allowed another person who doesn't deserve us in to our lives. When we go through any grieving process there is a period where after the intial shock we blame ourself. This isn't just specific to DV. It's an automatic response to something we can't control, or make sense of.

I do agree with what Barbara has said about sympathy as I believe sympathy colludes with the problem, however not giving sympathy does not stop us offering empathy which is the ability to be in the other person's shoes. Clearly if we were in Ellen's shoes we would feel as Ellen does and if Ellen is not ready to stop self-blaming no amount of someone telling her will change anything, however by listening to Ellen (really listening) we will be able to work with her from the point she is at which is very different to trying to tell her from the point we are at.

I have nothing to hide. I was quite prepared to have any discussion in the open, however Barbara ordered no more posts on this topic. I thought Barbara was a regular user of this site like the rest of us; what shocked me was she was she turned out to be the judge and jury. What I said was removed and yet the content was not a danger to anyone else.

I do not believe I was reading too deeply as Barbara claimed, although I'll admit that's what everyone who has ever wanted to silence me has claimed. You are all independant adults I leave you to make your own minds up.

I think Barbara's intentions were good.I would be more inclined to call it tough love.Sometimes,we, as parents have to practice tough love,when,we see our kids doing something that we know is harmful to them.There are (varying)degrees of grieving loss...whether it be a death of someone,or,the death of a relationship.Getting stuck in any one area isn't healthy,certainly,blaming yourself for something you can clearly see is not your fault isnt healthy.AND,how can we not see it that it isn't our faults when there is so much validation here about these narcissists???? I think Ellen is trying to make excuses to either stay in,and or go back to her abuser,and,i think thats what Barbara feared as well.But,thats my opinion on it and opinions are like a holes as everybody has one,lol.......I love everyone here and i know we've been hurting a lot,but,we cannot make excuses for these Narcissistic/socio/psychopaths! There are none to be made

but I'm another person who stopped posting because I felt uncomfortable with the way things are run here.

A forum moderator moderates a forum. Someone needs to oversee the content of the board and keep people in check when necessary.

But I didn't realize when I signed up that I was agreeing to be counseled by any one person. I know a lot of people end up reaching out to Barbara specifically for advice and I really have no doubt that she wants to be helpful, but I think there should be a distinction between 'forum moderator' and 'forum counsellor'.

People coming together to share experience and give advice is one thing. A public space where one person is given or assumes professional authority seems ethically and legally questionable. It's difficult enough to establish a proper relationship and understanding with people in a face to face situation. Analysing and advising on the fly is just not good professional practice.

My therapist told me about her qualifications when we had our first meeting, what she had in mind for the way the sessions would go and what she hoped would come out of it in the end. Based on this, I decided whether or not to continue. I decided to stop posting here because I was having opinions that I don't necessarily agree with presented to me as absolute and undenyable truths.

Also, it's not good professional practice to get snarky when people don't follow your advice, say things you don't like or disagree with you. But here, everything is taken so personally.

I have a lot of empathy for Barbara; she's got a lot on her plate and I have no doubt that her intentions are in the right place. Perhaps she feels more responsible for people than she really should, and that's something that can be changed for the benefit of everyone involved.

I am posting this:

"Barbara is not saying anything to Ellen that Fairy Wings did not also say to her. On Jan. 17 Fairy Wings posted 'Best to stop wasting energy on any of this and as others have suggested move on and focus on the next phase of YOUR life'."

This is what narcnarcwhosthere posted above, but she has not realised that Barbara has removed posts so the full story is not clear.

This is from Fairywings:

"'I want you to know I'm still here for you, no matter how you choose to deal with it. I 'feel' you are incredible strong. I also feel you at the bottom of the curve right now, however I have faith you will get out and it will only happen if you seek out those who are supportive and kind. Avoid those who tell you what to do, stay close to those who offer ideas and never 'tell' you, 'telling' is abuse and demonstrates that person is not listening to you. People who care make suggestions and regardless of your response or lack of it they are still there for you just the same. You take care of yourself'."

Ellen was told what to do then removed because she did not do it. Barbara is justifying why she has abandoned a person in need and isolated them.

I disagree

This is not a 'personal' criticism of anyone because everybody has their own opinion and on a place like this, should feel able to express that without fear shouldn't we?

When anyone is prevented from stating their opinion, that is surely wrong. I think so anyway, even if you disagree. That's ok. We will agree to disagree. Gently.

Gentle encouragement to assist someone to 'move on' is one thing but I think that trying to force someone to do so before they are ready is cruel and futile.

The people that come on here for support are in the main, broken people. We all need to heal but we don't all heal at the same rate and pace as each other.

Just because someone is on their own particular hamster wheel for longer than most (or seemingly longer - some of us put a curtain round our hamster wheels so we our wounds are not as public- and so what if they are?) doesn't mean they will be on it forever.

But they cannot be rushed. We all heal in our OWN time. Trying to push someone to move before they are ready could paralyse them even more.

It doesn't matter how often they repeat the same things - my wounds are older than those of some other people on this forum but I'm still on that hamster wheel - I just choose to pull a curtain round it most of the time - consequently I'm not being pushed to 'move on'. If anyone tried to do that to me, I think I would start going backwards.

Don't push people to move on before they are ready - leave them alone if their wheel makes too much noise for your ears - otherwise be patient and supportive.

That's what most of us I am sure (and do correct me if you think I am wrong, I can take it)came here and come here for - safe support and safe, GENTLE encouragement.

Not a boot camp. That may work with some. It doesn't work for everyone.

I'm not posting this to cause trouble or dissent. I am being gentle. After years of being subjected to appalling cruelty and abuse, I appreciate gentleness.

Just my opinion. We all deserve the freedom to express ourselves without veto surely?

http://knittingattheguillotine.blogspot.com/
http://stoptherollercoaster.blogspot.com/
http://byebyejekyllandhyde.blogspot.com/
http://libertyfromlies.blogspot.com/