Kelly's story

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#1 Jan 30 - 2PM
Kelly
Kelly's picture

Kelly's story

Dear Psychopathic/N Ex,

You will never know how hurt I was when you left me. It was only six weeks, but to me, it was six weeks of beginning to trust another man. Six weeks of gradually becoming emotionally vulnerable with you. Six weeks of listening to your stories and believing that you were opening up to me.

Believing that when you spoke about your hopes and dreams, it was because you saw the possibility of me being a part of that. Six weeks of hope and possibilities. Giving you my affection and accepting your affection. Believing that what you gave me was affection.

Believing you when you said you wanted to know everything about me. Believing you when you said that after the honeymoon period ends we will work through it and get to know each other better.

Believing it when you said you weren’t going anywhere. Believing you when you said I was beautiful. Believing you when you said you wanted to introduce me to your family and your friends. Believing you when you said you felt good being with me. Believing you when you said you miss me when I’m away. Believing you when you said you never felt this way about another girl.

Believing you when you said you did not have anyone else you would rather be with. Believing you when you said you had no lost loves. Believing you when you said you were humble.

Believing that you survived more pain than I can imagine during your childhood.

Feeling that I was beginning to know what love is. Feeling like I was safe with you. Feeling like I could trust you.

Feeling good when you were near me. Exhilaration at the sound of your voice, the look in your eyes, the taste of your lips, the taste of you, the touch of you. Feeling your laughter while your were pressed against me in bed. Talking and kissing, and talking and kissing. Believing that we understood each other. That I could finally be myself with a man I was completely attracted to. Believing that you felt the same way.

Believing that you could support me in what I do and actually be interested in me on that level. Believing that we shared similar sacrifices and had similar talents and passions. Believing that I could respect you and that you respected me. Believing you were strong and sincere, patient, understanding, compassionate, forgiving, deeply passionate and emotional. Believing you were emotionally mature. Believing that you were real.

I thought you were real. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I don’t know how to know when something is real. I don’t know when it’s ok for me to feel for a man. Is it ever ok? Are the books right? Is it all about the chase? When can I let him catch me? When can I feel the sheer exhilaration of falling? Letting go and knowing he will be right there to catch me, and that he will hold on.

Knowing that he thinks I’m special enough to hold on to. When can I know that I am actually being loved and cared for? When do I know it’s affection and not just sex? How do I know if it’s hollow inside?

You think I’m insecure? When it comes to men, yes. I am. I was vulnerable with you. I told you things I don’t tell everyone. You used my weaknesses as ammunition to hurt me. Then, you betrayed your words and abandoned me. You have caused emotional damage to me. I learn time and time again, you are no exception. There is no security with men. I cannot be secure with a man. I can only be secure with myself.

You are heartless. You are reckless. You are a coward. You are cruel. What you did was abusive. What you did was selfish and careless. You should feel ashamed of yourself. I am a wonderful lady who would have never hurt you. You are a fool.

Whatever hurt I may have caused you in the past, before we began dating, really dating, before I got to know you, before we had even kissed, did not warrant this. How much of an egomaniac can you be to believe that I should dump a man I had been dating for nearly a month to go on a second date with you? Did you honestly believe yourself to be the center of my dating life? Did you believe I hadn’t lived until we met? Did you think I should instantly trust you and fall madly in love at first sight? I was falling in love with you in a natural way while we were dating and then you scolded me for thinking I was your girlfriend after a month of intimacy. Are you psychotic?

I hurt you, yes, and you had been hurt in the past by other women and by rejection in the most brutal way during your childhood and part of your adult life, but that was not my fault. I wanted to apologize to you, but you made that impossible. I have been nothing but good and true to you from the very beginning and if you can’t recognize that, you are the one who needs help. Perhaps you have built in an emotional detachment button for survival during your tough times. Now you can’t control it.

I have been hurt in relationships and by rejection in my life. I have been through more than you can even imagine. I work through my pain. I allow myself to feel it. I allow myself to cry. I allow myself to write crazy letters to you that I will never send, so I can vent my anger, my hurt, my rage and not let it dwell and destroy who I am.

I have been strong and am a source of strength for my friends. Your behavior towards me was ruthless and I did not deserve it. I would have never done that to you. I only wanted good things for us. I wanted to feel peace of mind. I thought I could do that with you. You lead me on to believe that I could. That would have been the prize. You betrayed your words. You abandoned me. You used what I said in confidence to hurt me. Take some accountability you selfish jerk.

Jun 28 - 9PM
PumpKyn80
PumpKyn80's picture

Kelly

Oh wow!!! what you wrote describes exactly how I feel.
Jun 27 - 2PM
Kelly
Kelly's picture

Defying Gravity

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eF06fNK3Ng&feature=related
Mar 20 - 12AM
Kelly
Kelly's picture

Feeling a little more like myself everyday

I posted this a couple of days ago, but call me sentimental, I wanted it here under "my story." The lyrics to the Incubus Song "Drive" is exactly wear I'm at (I think.) I think I'm starting to move out of the angry phase. It's still there, but it changes. It sways. I still think about him every day, but it's different now. Every morning is another chance. I'm free. I'm embracing that. He left me, crushed, heartbroken, a complete mess. Although I wasn't married to my narcissist, I imagine that I wanted a divorce from him and finally got one after years of abuse (which is the road I would have gone down if we had stayed together) And when I catch myself obsessing about him, I stop myself and repeat over and over again, "I'm free." Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear Take the wheel and steer It's driven me before And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal But lately I'm beginning to find that I Should be the one behind the wheel Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there With open arms and open eyes yeah Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there I'll be there So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive? It's driven me before And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around But lately I'm beginning to find that When I drive myself my light is found Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there With open arms and open eyes yeah Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there I'll be there Would you choose water over wine Hold the wheel and drive Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there With open arms and open eyes yeah Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there I'll be there
Mar 20 - 8AM (Reply to #9)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Love It

Great lyrics, made me think about the herd mentality and fear dictating our lives. Thanks.
Feb 1 - 12PM
clara330
clara330's picture

I am so sorry for your pain,

I am so sorry for your pain, but what you wrote could have been MY LIFE!! We loved genuinely, truly and sincerely. We gave everything we had to give to the men we loved and we believed and accepted their warm, wonderful, affection, intimacy and love back. We had no way of knowing it was all a lie. We had no way of knowing he would crap all over us, like he did! We had no reason to expect anything like this, because we gave him no reason to behave this way toward us. We were faithful, loving, forgiving and working so hard to build a life with this man. It is NOT OUR FAULT!!! Try to remember that: IT IS NOT OUR FAULT! The men are at fault and they will end up being miserable and alone. We will get through this pain and heartache and we will become whole and find love again....REAL LOVE this time!
Feb 1 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
rache
rache's picture

N'S

will all self-destruct! When they are old and decrepid and they cannot seduce women they will be left with their miserable,hateful,despicable selves,and,NO-ONE will want to be near them-not even worker/s in the nursing home....
Jan 31 - 5PM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Thank You

You are a wonderful writer, you have obviously been blessed with a real gift for writing - you thoroughly conveying some very deeply personal emotions, feelings, ideas, - by means of written word. You didn't leave much out, you captured it all when it comes to the heartbreak of a love affair with a Narcissist. Thank you for writing that and sharing it here. I really mean that. Reading what you wrote got me thinking so much about everything I experienced, and what most everyone here has experienced, at the hands of these retarded pieces of dog sh*t. A whole lotta hurt, pain and grief. But you summed it up better than I have ever read anywhere else. That was awesomely written. You would make a wonderful writer for a magazine, you get to the heart of the matter and concisely capture the very essence of the human experience in these situations. And yes I am sorry for your pain and suffering, and glad your visit to CRAZYLAND with this bastard was only a short 6 week stay. God bless ya hang in there and please continue to grace us with your beautiful and helpful writing around here!
Jan 31 - 8AM
4joys4
4joys4's picture

Sounds familiar. Be glad it

Sounds familiar. Be glad it was only six weeks. I know it hurts all the same, but maybe, just maybe, you suffered less hurt than if it would have gone on for years. Some never get out of it! You'll get past this. read the articles here and you will learn and grow.
Jan 31 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
Kelly
Kelly's picture

So lucky!

For the two months after the breakup, I had been crying everyday - - even after figuring out that he was a narc and possible psychopath! I'm kind'ov paranoid about posting my whole story on the internet, but this last N - - who I hope is really the last N - - was actually the last in a roller coaster of N's and abusers in the last 4 years (with recovery of 6-8 months between abusers.) I'm a young lady and my last N/Psycho gave me the exact illusion of Prince Charming. The cartoon guy on Lisa's cover looks like the cartoon version of my N/Psycho. I actually have a picture of us in the exact pose! Me kissing his cheek and him looking right at the camera with a painted smile. You can almost see the ping of light on his glistening white, perfect teeth. It was so intense with him and I don't think I will ever have that kind of intense romantic "honeymoon" courting again, but through this, I understand so much now about Narcs/Psychopaths and abuser/manipulators in general. I've also begun to understand more about myself during this healing process. Learning about cognitive dissonance and PTS in relationships has really enlightened me about the why I'm so hurt and obsessed. Why do these guys have such an intense affect on my life and well being. Why am I so seduced by them time and time again? I'm finally getting it now and I feel so lucky have not been entangled in a marriage or long-term relationship with this man or any of the other scumbags I've been with. I had an emotional experience in yoga the other day. I hadn't been to yoga since I was dating the N. It had been a long time since I've done anything really good for myself. I had been smoking after the breakup and not stretching (or doing any regular physical activity.) In yoga, I was still and listening to my body and everything felt raw. I felt like I had been asphyxiated. Every pose was challenging for me whereas only three months ago, I was in the best shape of my life! The yoga instructor massaged my neck while I was in shevasana and I realized, that that massage, that little bit of giving on her part was something I know that N was completely incapable of. That what I gave myself in that class was something the N was completely incapable of and that I need to keep giving myself and stop wasting my time on men who only want to take from me. I'm done with dating. Honestly, I'm done. This year I'm 29 and it's really all about me. I'm rediscovering myself. When I'm whole again and someone I'm extremely attracted to makes it very clear to me that he wants to come along for the ride because he sees who I am and wants to be part of MY world, MAYBE I'll give him a chance. If he messes up even a little. If I see a little of his dark side, it will clash and he will be out the door in an instant. I really am sick of Jewish mothers and married girlfriends trying to convince the Jewish single ladies of the single minded importance of being wed to a Jewish guy so you can fulfill the requirement of having children. (I realize there are Narc's/Psycho's in every culture and heritage - but I'm Jewish and have experienced the serious pressure from that perspective. - - It's frustrating and demoralizing for the single ladies in a way that needs to be talked about and exposed. The pressure is so destructive. To make it clear - - I LOVE being Jewish and my faith is the only thing that keeps me grounded. Times have changed and with that, we need to accept that there is a lot of aggression against women in this culture and we need to protect ourselves and not feel enslaved by this ideology that only succeeds in perpetuating our own misery. We date men with a mission only to become disappointed again and again when the "perfect" guy turns out to be all in it for himself (because if he does have all the "qualifications" he knows how desirable he is.) I don't need to be married. I don't need to have children. I want those things, but not to my detriment. It should come naturally, or not at all. I'm done with putting an "effort" in "getting myself out there." I'm done with online dating. I'm done with stupid single events that only profit off of lonely hearts and leave those hearts even more bruised then before they walked through the door. I'm done with that lifestyle. It's fast and superficial and it's playing a dangerous game. Wishing for a fairytale, you end up charmed into a relationship with a psychopath. If I am going to be lonely, I might as well love myself.
Jan 31 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Once Again, Well Said

I liked reading about your Yoga instructor and the massage, and how you pointed out, the Narc would never have given even that much. Thank you for that insight. Little things mean alot don't they? Yes, they do! Narcs are Takers, that's for damn sure. I think I am going to give Yoga a try. I had been bouncing the idea around, but you sold me on it. I was also looking into meditation. And I have been reading alot of philosophy books from the library lately. These are all helpful too, in my life's education. I understand to some extent your problems in the Jewish faith with the overbearing Jewish mothers and their hell-bent marriage viewpoints. A recipe for disaster, for their daughters, in many cases. Glad you know what you are dealing with regarding those type bossy mothers, who think they know what's best, but in reality they don't have a clue. I had my kids at age 35 and 38. You still have time. At your age I was quite bewildered and despondent too. However I was already trapped with a Psychopath, and went ahead and had kids with him. Ten years ago, I didnt have internet at my house, this knowledge was not available, and I lived alone in my agony in CRAZYLAND. I am so happy you are so wise right now at 29. You are going to find someone workable (if not perfect) who will fit your criteria and make you very happy. So, don't give up! You still have time to have kids, etc. Good strategy for now, to lay low, relax, and rebuild yourself. Hang in there and chin up, - good things are sure to come your way, and peace be with you. Thanks for sharing.
Jan 31 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
Kelly
Kelly's picture

Forever Learning

Thank you so much for your kind words and for reading! From the bottom of my heart. I love writing and I'm still trying to find my voice as a writer, so the positive feedback is a wonderful confidence booster at a time when I'm struggling with my self esteem. Six weeks man! I can't even imagine if it was six years. What a nightmare! Yes Yes! Yoga is so good. I cried after that yoga session. My good friend was there. There are lots of different styles though, so if you haven't done it before, don't be discouraged if you didn't like the class you chose. Some yoga classes (like the ones at the gym) are more into just an exercise routine and you don't really experience that "yoga high" or the meditation. Definitely Crazyland! I had been on a roller coaster for 4 years with at least 3 different Narc's and other abusers. I've been feeling like a used up tissue. My biggest fear is for my health and well being now. Whew!