stillchained's story

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#1 Jan 23 - 10PM
stillchained
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stillchained's story

this is a rough draft for a paper in one of my women's sudies classes. it is my own experience and my own opinion.
warning: i have a pretty negative attitude and it is reflected. please comment, if you will. your comments will help me in my revisions. no citations in this revision (nothing but my own opinion in this part).

it is very cool that forums like this exist, i am honored to be here, christine

I flunked the entrance exam into the Abuse Survivor's, "NOW I AM AN EMPOWERED, LIFE-LOVING THRIVER, THANKS TO THE FORMER ABUSE - AND WOW, DID IT CHANGE MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER BECAUSE I WAS SO INADEQUATE UNTIL MY ABUSER CAME ALONG TO SHOW ME HOW DEFECTIVE I WAS SO I COULD FIX IT AND BECOME STUNNING, AMAZING AND OVERJOYED WITH MY NEW LEASE ON LIFE" club.

[Insert puking sound here]

I LIKED who I was before the abuse and my life was pretty damn cool, thank you. I didn't NEED the experience and got nothing positive from it. I'm not proud to say that I was abused and I certainly don't like how the experience changed me or my life.

Nope, that club wouldn't even let me near the door.

I can say that I was victimized. I can even admit to being abused. That DIRTY F'ing word [gasp] VICTIM.

This declaration amounts to wearing the crown of SHIT when I choose to comment on the subject.

Even worse, I lived with the abuse for more than 4 years. OK, 15 years in total, with the last 4 years consisting of severe and sadistic abuse. Hell yes - that sucks. It defies logic.

I couldn't make it stop, didn't understand what was happening to me, didn't know how to handle it, couldn't figure out how to get out.

IMHO, I am no idiot, not an asshole, not a doormat, no ‘co-dependant’ (what a bullshit ideology this one is – note that ‘Codependence is NOT in the DSMV).

I was legally emancipated in court, at the age of 16. I have litigated mandatory arbitration legal cases on my own behalf and won every time (no law degree - yet). I have lobbied successfully to promote new laws and watched them come to pass.

I was successful in my career, financially well-off and...successful at anything I sunk my teeth into.

Yet, without doubt, I required 'rescuing' from the abuse situation [hangs head in obligatory shame] NOT.

When a psychopath has marked you as a target for use and slaughter- used and slaughtered is what you will be, if he doesn't slip up and tip off the con fast enough for you to catch it. In my case, he didn't. It happens.

Realizing that you have been promoted to slaughter, while at the same time noticing that you've been purposefully disarmed for the occasion, is a freaky, horrific thing.

Like watching a movie. Stuff of the worst nightmares/B-movie horror flicks. Defies articulation. It has all been planned in advance, down to the last detail, with precision.

Malice with intent. Sadly, this is the core of the pre-meditation argument that can be so difficult to prove in court...even with some rapes and murders.

IMHO, the victim's ability to self-protect/deflect or avoid, ceases to exist from the moment of the Psychopath's opening move. It's a craps shoot. The cards are in his hands.

Don't believe me? Check out Robert Hare's comments on the subject. THE expert on Psychopathy, readily admits that he has been taken more than once.

He doesn't feel like a putz as a result...he knows that it is par for the course and explains this well in “Without a Conscience.”

Do you think that Hare ever 'looked for his part in it’ or sought out his character flaws/vulnerabilities in hopes of one day becoming impervious to being conned by a Psychopath?

HELL NO!!! He knew what he was dealing with regardless of his own characteristics.

He knew his ass was gonna get nailed to the wall innumerable and unpredictable amounts of times, for as long as he was working in direct contact with Psychopaths. Inevitable.

So how does a loser, scumbag, disordered A$$HOLE take his betters for a ride? (anyone who can feel and logically and morally think/act is a ‘better’ in my book).

EASY - the quality of HIS life depends on getting over on YOU-No brainer.

So, I have the audacity to go so far as to refuse to take responsibility for the abuse, would not ‘admit that it takes two’ nor would I ‘look for my part in it’.

Yup - sometimes, there IS only one liar and the truth does not lie somewhere in the middle. Good luck in court with that knowledge!

No, I wouldn't take antidepressants like a good little former abusee searching for a psychological diagnosis to explain my intrinsic disgust with my former oppression. DIAGNOSE THIS!

I have not and will not endeavor to seek out my vulnerability, nor 'improve myself so that I will never tolerate abuse again'.

And yes...he won. He damn well DID succeed at destroying my life with no repercussions - SO WHAT?! Sub-clinical Psychopaths excel at evading. This is typical.

There is no happy ending here. Evil and/abuse of power triumphs all the time. Take a look at history.

I'm just not one of those ‘successful' former abuse victims. Oh well.

I am 5 years out of the abuse and I live with the after-effects of that experience everyday.

From upper-middle class on my own income, to below poverty, in my late 40s with a disability but declined for SSDI (although I will soon qualify as vision impaired), no savings or retirement funds left (thanx Psychopath), no job, living off what’s left of my investments.
He not only parasited off me for 15 years and destroyed my present (at the time) but he destroyed my future (now). The effects were long-reaching.

I'm not happy...so sue me!

Don’t ever tell ME how abuse can be a catalyst for a wonderful future – highly delusional thinking in action, which, more often than not, proves to be the sensational lie that it is.

I would hope that my experience could be a warning to those still in it, wondering if they should get out. Don’t end up like me. Get out while you can, before there is nothing left of your hope for a future.

Jan 24 - 11AM
helpmefromn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Feeling weird about his success and the illusion

I know it's an illusion and that he will not change, but I feel so strange -- I know he is doing (or well, others are doing for him) cool things right now for his business. He was nominated for an award and LOST, but now he is developing some new things and his new 20 year old gf is the model for the product. I saw the site. I am getting better in that I looked and it didn't make me cry or call my friends and complain - there is nothing to complain about -- I DO NOT want to be with him, and I actually don't like him -- he never beat me but emotionally abused and not honest and real, and then found this gf - the backup plan when I was itching for commitment and knowing what what was going on. I feel he is happy with this gf who looks like an upgrade of me. I don't care but the feelings that it is SO over and that it was like a dream make me feel weird, and I know his life is SO different now and that I am not on his mind, and I don't want him or even to talk to him-- I feel frozen thinking about these developments in in life and how I was such a BIG part at one point.
Jan 25 - 8PM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Evil Often Seems To Be The Winner, But There Is Good Out There

I understand your view of Evil winning in situations. Evil is a powerful force. And when it comes out on top in any situation, it is devastating. But I keep in mind in my day to day life all the Good that I see, and all the Good that I do. And for me, at this stage in my life, the bottom line is finding peace for myself, and happiness that doesn't depend on anyone else giving it to me, only a gift I give myself. Sounds corny, doesn't it? But for me, it is true. I don't worry about material possessions anymore, or having a successful 'career'. To have clean air, food, water, get a good night's sleep, a roof to be under to get out of the rain and be warm and dry. To have my kids be safe from harm so I don't have to worry they will be harmed. To have a feeling of peace (not necessarily great happiness, or overflowing joy.......) I am thankful for simple serenity, not having to look over my shoulder. But, I do enjoy it when I experience happiness - it comes and goes, and so when it comes my way, it is that much sweeter. Anything above and beyond these simple things, that is a bonus for me. And I enjoy learning new things about the world God has placed me in here, with all of you. I am curious about where it is I will go after I die, but that remains to be discovered at that time, in my opinion. So for now, I focus on my world right here. Sounds kinda hippy-dippy doesn't it? Ha ha! I know!!! Anyways, peace is such a good thing. I am so thankful when I have it. It's much easier to appreciate ever since I have gone through hell in my past. Thanks for all you wrote and God bless you.
Jan 25 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
Steph
Steph's picture

You don't sound "hippy

You don't sound "hippy dippy" at all! I think your outlook on life is admirable. I am sorry for the pains you endured that brought you to this site. I think you are doing a wonderful thing though by sharing your views and offering your support. God Bless YOU!
Jan 24 - 6AM
lady_in_dubai
lady_in_dubai's picture

Hi there, Your writing hit a

Hi there, Your writing hit a nerve big time. Being promoted to slaughter and noticing you have been disarmed, those words really describe how it is. When someone describes your experience so very well, you feel like you are not alone. That is some powerful writing there. I just want to thank you for sharing that. I agree totally, there is this pressure to make some kind of amazing life after the abuse. It really pisses me off and it's validating to read of someones else's experience. Magical thinking is deadly. My only comfort some days is my belief in God and that nothing slips by His eyes and He will judge between me and that animal. Yes, your writing is negative, but this is how it is and people need to know that. x
Jan 24 - 5AM
Ellen
Ellen's picture

HI, I just love what you

HI, I just love what you wrote here, it couldn't explain it better. Realizing that you have been promoted to slaughter, while at the same time noticing that you've been purposefully disarmed for the occasion, is a freaky, horrific thing. IMHO, the victim's ability to self-protect/deflect or avoid, ceases to exist from the moment of the Psychopath's opening move. Being sent to slaughter describes it perfectly. You don't know you are there until you are in the slaughterhouse and then realise you have no way of protecting yourself.........it has happened and you had no idea how or why. My ex timed it all perfectly for best effect. I just wish i had known but i had no way of knowing. I loved him unconditionally for a long time and was only concerned for his best interests. All the while he was trying to make me jealous, control me, manipulate and lie. In the future when i am over all the rush of emotions i will be glad this has happened to me........you see i came from an abusive home as a child, not to mention inequality and social grooming for it and i would have settled for a lot less in a partner than i would do now has i not had this catalyst (that's what it was for me). My previous exposure was for 2 years. I had a whole childhood with a bully. Obviously i would have prefered to have had a better more healthy upbringing but if not then i am glad for anything that shows me the light so it does not continue. A lot of it is in the unconscious mind. Now i have realised so much i'll probalby stay single forever. I really don't know what to do with how bad this set up feels.
Jan 23 - 11PM
rache
rache's picture

Wow!

Thank you for sharing.You are entitled to ALL your feelings/opinions.I struggle everyday with is he or isn't he a social/psychopath/narcissist.I know he is vindictive etc.I know he is a narcissist,and,i know darn well his ex wifes name/age was same as his housekeeper and he called me her name on wedding day and more during first month and couldn't provide a phone # for housekeeper! Claimed he was a credit manager but social# shows he sold insurance for over 20 years.ex wifes hubby ends up dead she collects.They divorce but 10 years later shes pretending to be his housekeeper!
Jan 24 - 6AM (Reply to #3)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Your Ex Narc & The Housekeeper (Wife) - Murder Scheme

Every time I hear you mention your situation I am convinced that your ExNarc and his "housekeeper" (his ex-wife, who is still currently his love partner along with partner in crime, just not legally married anymore as part of their scam) were going to murder you for financial gain. It is so clear to me. He sold insurance but didnt tell you. Her husband ends up dead and she collects the insurance. ExNarc and she divorce, but she is still in the picture under the disguise as his housekeeper. FREAKING WEIRD. It only makes sense if you connect the dots and see they have a deadly scam going on to lure women, have him marry them, gain legal control of their assets through marrying them, insure them if possible, then kill them. Sorry to be morbid! But my God, it seems pretty clear to me. It is waaaaaay to strange to make sense any other way. Especially after you described how he threatened your son right off the bat, not to come between you and he, or he'd kill your son, etc. Nobody with good intentions does something like that. And right off the bat upon initially meeting him! Jeez. Red flag!! I am so glad you got out of that nightmare alive! God bless you and your son.
Jan 25 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
rache
rache's picture

SCAM

EXACTLY! that hits it on the head and describes it perfectly what i FEEL and believe in my HEART of HEARTS to be true.No-one calls someone their ex wife's name (especially after saying they were only married 18 months-no kids together etc)on their darn honeymoon with a younger wife(13yrs)younger (10) years after his so called divorce! And,get this,we wasn't back a week before he wanted to open a joint bank account with MY name attached with his.also insisted on ordering magazine/s for me in my name etc.And,get this=stacks of said magazines in living room!The woman it shows in a census living there to 2008 no where to be seen! Showed her income etc.Scams/fraud etc.He told me once i could scream all i wanted and nobody could hear me in that house.The first week back i felt like he was a guard at a prison-he treated me really weird.Another thing,his garage smelled like rotting meat.He said it was dear meat.Well,i know him and he would have sprayed out garage,and,animal blood doesn't last long.
Jan 25 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

That is very disturbing and creepy

The garage smell is very creepy along with him saying you could scream all you wanted, no one would hear you. Thank God you got out alive!! God bless you dear!!
Jan 26 - 2AM (Reply to #6)
rache
rache's picture

Garage

And,i do not even KNOW how long the smell had been going on before i went to that house! He would NEVER want to leave the garage door open even though it was a really nice little spot=neighbors retired etc......i insisted one day because i could no longer stand the sickening smell to clean it with bleach.He reluctantly let me.I opened up the garage and began cleaning.The guy who lived next door was walking past on the side walk and looked at me and said THANK GOD! finally that scent will be gone.BUT! get this=it wasn't even after scrubbing with bleach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had to buy plug in air fresheners and get a bag of that odor absorbing stuff and i declare I could STILL smell that sickening smell.That is why i question very seriously the statement that it was an animal....
Jan 24 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

your story

Hi, I'm interested to hear your story of what happened in your life with your exN.