Are you driving yourself crazy trying to figure out why he does it or did it? You are, aren't you? I've never read an article on any domestic violence website about this phenomenon. Women continually obsess, even after the relationship is over about why he did it. Women drive themselves UP THE WALL trying to understand why. Women feel as if they understood why then the pain would end. You may ask yourself: why did he hit me? why did he yell at me? why did he call me names? Why did he put me down? Why did he neglect me or abuse me emotionally or sexually? Why did he treat me so badly when I was so good to him? And some women take it a step further and don't even ask themselves these questions but immediately blame themselves saying, "He did it because I deserved it."
First of all, let me point out the answer to these questions is not because of anything you did or said. A man who doesn't abuse would leave you if he thought there was something "wrong" with you. However, abusive men stick around and abuse you and he will always, always blame it on you. So remember, it is never and was never YOUR fault. Abusers abuse. That is who he is and that's all there is to it. Perhaps he was abused as a child. Perhaps he is a psychopath suffering from a personality disorder. (For which, by the way there is no cure or even effective treatment, so don't get your hopes up) Perhaps he grew up watching his father abuse his mother. There are many reasons he may abuse. But knowing the answer is NOT going to end your pain, trust me. What will help you heal is acceptance. Accept he did what he did. Accept that you did indeed put up with it but that doesn't mean you deserved it. Accept that he is an abuser and there is or was nothing you could have done to stop him. Accept the relationship as a big mistake and vow to yourself never to put up with abuse again.
Abusers who complete programs for men who abuse often don't even change. Abusers almost always and I mean always abuse all women in their lives. So, don't go wondering if he is going to be better to someone else because she's somehow "better" than you. He is going to abuse any woman he dates because that is who he is. This is plain and simple.
Stop trying to figure it out. Accept it.
Remember the Following:
--Abusers rarely change.
---Abusers will abuse ALL women in their lives, not just you.
---Abusers do not abuse because of something you said or did.
---Abusers always blame the abuse on the victim.
---It is never, ever your fault. All adults are responsible for their actions. HE OWNS his actions.