Do Narcissists miss their children?

Do Narcissists miss their children?
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When I met my Narc ex he had been married twice. First wife aborted baby and left him after 8 months. 2nd wife had three children from him now in late teens and early 20's. They have not seen him for 6 years...they hate him for the abuse he gave them.

During my time with him our whole relationship was dominated by him missing his kids.....it took over my life. However he never did the right thing to get them back. He did things to make them hate him even more. It was always emails to them stating 'for my part in what happened ' as if they had some blame too. I wanted him to take full responsibility. It caused major rows between us.

I have a two year old for him and he has said that he wants to see him but when given the opportunity he does not take it.

His new GF is a heavy drinker like him and they spend alot of time socialising like a young single couple with no responsibilities, doing what they like when they like.

Does he never miss his kids?

Bruisednotbroken's picture

I realize that this post is

I realize that this post is nearly three years old, but it is relevant to my situation.

My son with my exN just turned three yesterday and the last time my ex saw him, he was just a week shy of turning one. Since then, he has gotten a new girlfriend and they moved away together to another state 10 hours away to live with her parents, and has only asked to see pictures of him last November which was two months after he moved. His girlfriend sent me and email explaining the reason why they moved was so that he could get a better job and because her dad is very ill. Amazing, because I was getting more child support when he was here compared to the very scarce hit or miss payments which I haven't received a single one since June. Also, I guess that is what they expect me to tell my son if and when he ever asks where his dad is. "Well son, he had more important priorities--making more money that he never plans on spending on you and he HAS to be there to support his girlfriend's 50 year old father! What kind of "future son-in-law" would he be if he didn't!" Yeah, of course I will never say these things to my son, but those excuses are quite humorous.

The worst part about the whole deal is that he is expecting a new baby with his girlfriend at the end of this month. Guess she really did buy into his whole "I just want to be a daddy, but that bitch won't let me anywhere near him" bullshit. I say: GOOD LUCK TO HER! Hope he treats this child better than my son, but I hate to be the one that tells her "told you so" when he does the same thing to her and her kid. She must be totally brainwashed to believe he is going to somehow be "SUPERDADDY" to their kid, yet totally abandoned the one before. I do believe there is a such thing as parental alienation syndrome in some cases, but if he is accusing me of alienating him, I'd say he made it pretty darn easy for me. All I did was ask that he submit to a hair follicle drug test and not have my son at a convicted sex offender's house before he got unsupervised visitations. He refused both. If he REALLY wanted to have a healthy relationship with his child, he would've at least attempted rehab and found another roommate. We ALL must make sacrifices as parents. He wasn't willing to give up the drugs and criminal buddies just to do be a good father, he felt like he shouldn't have to.

So my answer to this topic is NO. They could give two squatting shits about their kids or anyone else around them. They are all pawns in their pity party. Even when they're not present in their life, they will forever use them to gain some sort of attention.

Deidre99's picture

The only reason they were

The only reason they were brought up to you, was for show...to you. So you would be impressed...oh boy, what a good dad...he misses his kids! {insert eye roll}

Or, to make you jealous. Like...you would always come second to his kids...because by golly, he misses them soooo! {insert another eye roll}

If he was a good dad, he would have done everything he could have to show them that. He wouldn't have abused them, etc etc...

Imagine for a moment, all you care and think about is YOU. To a fault, not in a positive sense, but in a narcissistic sense. That everything revolves around you...your wants, needs, desires. So, going with that mindset, would anything matter to you? Would anyone matter to you?

Only if you get what you want off of others, would they even enter into your train of thought. That's the mind of a narc. They only view people, even their own children, as a means to an end. What can I derive from them, they think. Can they make me look good. Can they do something for me. Oh wait...I must love them, just...because?

They can't fathom loving someone, just because. They don't love anyone. They use everyone, even their own kids.

So he did not miss his kids. All a bunch of bullshit to impress you, no doubt.

They are all talk, and no action.

If the kids benefit them in some way, they'll ponder giving them a call. But, not because they 'miss' them.

chele007's picture

They only miss their kids if

They only miss their kids if they are not getting supply elsewhere. If that child doesn't supply them with compliments from ppl...or eventually calls them out on their ways.....no. They are a tool. It makes them feel good when others believe they are doting parents. It makes them feel good knowing you have to hand them over to their care. Time with them is strictly for their gain...be it not having to pay cs...and/or a way to feel good about themselves. I do not believe their children's future and well being...and what we pray they become is anywhere at the forefront of their minds. Ever. Just themselves.

onwithmylife's picture

alfrebob

NEVER, the kids are objects to bring into the world and he controls them when they are young, after they grow up with minds of their own and not extensions of him anymore, he could care less.My exnarc has a total of 5 kids all grown with 2 different wives, they all hate his guts, except one who keeps in contact, but pities him and refers to his mothers second husband as "Dad", what does that tell you,..

IncognitoBurrito's picture

My parents

My parents missed how I needed them. They missed how I made them appear to be, and not how they actually were. Once I hit 13, started breaking out, wearing questionable clothing, having sometimes crude opinions, and discovered boys, our relationship deteriorated and never was the same again. I got to be too much trouble. Too many complicated feelings and thoughts, and they couldn't be bothered to initiate anything anymore. I wasn't ever going to go back to being that little girl with the squeaky voice, in frilly dresses, who adored my parents, without question. I was becoming my own person, who ever that was supposed to be, at the time. What was in it for them? Nothing? So, there was no point in trying to have a relationship, beyond the surface, from that point on. Neither of them pretended any longer to give a crap. No, they don't miss their children. They miss the control they had over malleable minds, who hadn't yet formed their own opinions. Which is hardly a two way relationship anyhow. Nothing healthy about having somebody else run the show.

sweetpeasarah's picture

Sadly..

I dont think their children are in the slightest bit important to them. My ex scumbag toad, disowned his daughter when she was 14 (she is now 22) because she told her mother that he was cheating, couldnt care less about her. And I heard recently that he has 'stolen' his his son's gf, who he KNEW his son was in love with. and this is a man who told me that is son meant 'everything' to him. what a sicko.
I can remember him telling me the reason he left their mother was because she, and the children, messed up his partying and social life, and that THEY would be better if he left! Never paid one penny in maintanance either. jeez what was i thinking. So, what you said about your ex and new gf living life like a carefree couple doesnt suprise me one bit unfortunatly. Its a terrible situation for you hun, but he will let you and your son down time and time again, its a difficult fact to accept for your little one, but he is better off without the loser.
hugs to you
x

baddream's picture

His Daughter has NC with him

After my ex-N got involved with his borderline gf his daughter stopped talking to him.

He attended the birth of is grandchild (so there could be pictures to send to everyone he knew of him holding his grandchild). After that, he never saw her again.

He had an on/off relationship with her for almost as long as I knew him. I always thought it was wrong, and he always blamed her for something. He turned it all around and said the only reason she talked to him was to get money. I found that very interesting, as she was only 17 at the time, and too young to support herself.

She is in her 20's now and he no longer has any contact with her or her child. It is very sad, and I know it makes him miserable. He won't call her because he knows it would make her happy. I know he waits to hear from her, but she has wised up and is NC with him.

I don't think he misses her as normal people "miss" others, but rather what she could do for him. I always knew if he could d&d his own child like that, I didn't stand a chance.

4joys4's picture

Kids are Tools

To them, kids are just tools to use for getting what they want.
They like to use them in a triangle. That was my ex's gift. He loved that trick and played it almost daily. I hear he still has a bad relationship with his kids. They dont want to know him.

Once I ask the question.."Big screen TV, or a trip to your country to see your children?"

What do you think the answer was?

micala's picture

NARCS AND THEIR KIDS QUESTION...

I READ HOW NARCS DO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO THEIR KIDS HOWEVER THE ONE I WAS INVOLVED WITH WAS WONDERFUL WITH CHILD. IN FACT HE NEVER SAID NO OR PUT ANY TYPE OF BOUNDRIES ON HIS CHILD. HE JUST OVER INDULGES HIS CHILD AND OTHER KIDS AS WELL THIS BEHAVIOR DOES NOT SEEM LIKE THE STANDARD NARC MO. IS ALL THIS JUST AN ACT?? HE DOES HOWEVER HAVE MANY OF THE OTHER TRAITS OF BEING A NARC BUT HE SEEMS TO REALLY LOVE KIDS AND VISE VERSA. HE ALWAYS WANTS TO GIVE THEM GOOD MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON. HE HIMSELF WAS OVER INDULGED AS A CHILD AND HAD NO BOUNDRIES SO MAYBE THAT IS WHY HE DOES NOT SEEM TO TREAT HIS CHILD LIKE AN OBJECT. THANKS

burton720's picture

Same Guy

My ex NB did the same thing. When I first met him, his ex-wife had taken his son and relocated out of state. That was about two years before I met him.

Initially, he kept in touch with his son but that dropped off and by the time we broke up, he had not seen his son in six years. And although he paid child support, he never once requested any visitation. The ex-wife would return to the same area with their son but the ex NB never saw the son and never tried. I pressed him about that and was ALWAYS a red flag but never got an answer. I basically ignored it until it hit me in the face.

This ALWAYS bothered me. I could not understand why he never made an effort to see his son but was so bothered in the beginning. And, he always made a fuss over father's day. I didn't do anything for him once for father's day because he wasn't involved in his son's life and he was so hurt and upset... go figure

Now, I am pregnant with his child and he wants nothing to do with me or this child (I am thankful) although he told me that he could not live with another kid "dangling" out there. I guess he can as goes out every night drinking.

I don't think they really do miss their kids or if they do the moment is so fleeting it doesn't last long enough for them to take any action... I have missed my dog more really. I cannot wrap my head around that one at all. It's indicative of a serious abnormality.

On some sense, they must know that they have to put on some sort of display because I feel like they need to make a big show of how damaged they are and misunderstood...

alfrebob's picture

burton720

Thanks for your reply. You seem so strong to be pregnant and dealing with someone like this. Well done x

My XN has been using his kids in relationships to keep the woman involved and feel sorry for him. Did it with me and now the GF. Also meant that everything in our lives was dominated by his 'sadness'....what a joke!!

HIs GF of 15 months has been emailing me to say I am an unbalanced vicious human being to stop him seeing his child. Yet when I offer contact at a supervised centre he does not want it as too humiliating for him!!!! AAAh poor him!!

I just cannot imagine never seeing my kids. Their minds really are twisted.

tasha's picture

kids???what kids???

My XNH and XNB both of them never really missed their kids. The XH sees the children he has in his posession as a weapon to hurt me(I f*cked up) giving them to him. And uses my love for them to manipulate me to do what he wants.
The XNB well he left his on the other side of the world!!
Do the miss their kids?Me thinks not.

Carolyn's picture

Narcissists are famous for

Narcissists are famous for being very jealous of their children and doing things to sabotage them and harm them physically and emotionaly they don't seem to have much paternal instinct and like to terrorize their children. Most of their children learn to stay away and distance from them. My father was a narcissist and he destroyed both of my brothers by lying about them. One brother was a lawyer and my father would repeat things that he allegedly said about judges to the judges. None of the tales were true. My second brother had a pro-football career and my father told his college coach that he had an enlarged heart but wasn't to be told. when the coach benched him it destroyed his future and he never knew why he was benched. My mother always felt my father did not want 'competition'. He didn't seem interested much in girls or younger children.I have read that this type of nastiness towards their children is common. My brothers were also very abusive fathers and only 2 out of their 8 children are leading normal lives. The rest have drug, alcohol, and relationship problems. they were all attractive and intelligent but they were destroyed emotionally.

BlueMoon's picture

jealous of children...interesting...

MY raging narc father used to compete with my sister and me...even by putting on male leotards and taking dance class with us...NOT JOKING.

He used to compete with us in singing and acting lessons too...until I got sick of him and quit it all. He used to throw himself concerts years later and invite everyone he knew, and people used to dread it- he sang off key and would hire this horrible jazz band for backup.- he'd wear a tuxedo and pretend that he was a great crooner.

OMFG- imagine the other things he did that I can barely speak about...walking around naked around the house, leaving out his porn, commenting on our bodies...commenting on his own genitalia...the list goes on...

MY mom was so brainwashed and abused that today I don't blame her for not knowing what the hell to do about him.

what-to-do's picture

your dad

Oh man, you have me laughing sooo hard right now! And I'm sorry, really sorry about your childhood. But N's really can be living breathing cartoon caricatures. My husband an N, just walked oiut on me and our 1,3 and 5 yr old. He's with a 22 yr old now who is "more fun". But what you said about your dad has similarities with my ex. He always walked around naked and would swing his privates to the music. yep.

BlueMoon's picture

abandoned children...

I really think they see the kids as either useful or not.

My ex-abuser has a child with his first wife who he hasn't contacted in 4 years, and a child from a one-night stand that he gave up for adoption to the woman's new husband.

When I got involved with him, he told this tale of woe about how awful these women were...which may or may not be true...but a real parent would not be deterred from contact no matter what.

I believe that your N sees the kids only through his "pain" and how it brings attention to him. They are objects. I read somewhere that a N does not have a child with a woman...he has it for a woman.

alfrebob's picture

I was that woman

I was going to say 'How can a woman be with a man who does not want his kids?' but just remembered that I was there too but did not realise it at the time...... I was completely brainwashed!!

BlueMoon's picture

YES! Brainwashing

I look at it now and I think "wtf was I doing???? Although when we first started dating, he was still in contact with his son everyday and also in contact with his daughter before she was adopted out.

But when he abandoned them,about 1 year into the relationship, I was too far gone to question him about it, and even scared to.

alfrebob's picture

BlueMoon

Thanks for your comments. How long did you stay in the relationship and what was it that made you realise what he really was?

Hope you don't mind me asking x

BlueMoon's picture

Hi, I don't mind at all!!!

Hi, I don't mind at all!!!

I was with him for almost 5 years, and after he left the kids without a thought, I tried to rationalize it, but I always knew that something wasn't cool.

I didn't want to believe the truth, that they meant nothing.

Amazed's picture

N relationships and their children

My N was divorced, had 2 kids by his ex, and would CONSTANTLY put them off while he was with me,,,his "sexual liason" between another woman.

He would constantly be late for his visitations.

They would call incessantly, and say thats K. and G., they are wondering where I am,,I would say,,you are suppose to be there,,at what time?

He would constantly be late while being with me.

It would make me sick,,I sided with the kids (even though I barely know them!)

I ALSO believe in CHILD SUPPORT and he denied them that!

Go figure!

Also, while we were at our work on one Saturday, he happened to bring his daughter in.

He smacked her on the behind,,,totally confusing her in this office.

She said,, "DAD,, you only do that when I'm in trouble,,what are you doing?"

I have heard from others,,if you want to know how a man treats a woman, look at how he treats his children, and you will know.

It will all become clear.

What do you make of that!