Hopeforbetter's Story

Hopeforbetter’s Story

It started 10 years ago when we first met. We were both in relationships and met through my boyfriend at the time. He had been in his relationship in total, 12 years. Mine lasted 3, and after my boyfriend and I broke up, I remained friends with him and his girlfriend for many years. All that time he was very flirtatious with me, but I saw him like that a lot and didn’t think much of it. Mostly it made me uncomfortable because I did like his girlfriend and she and I had a deeper friendship. Because of that, I was given lots of clues as to what would come much, much later, but I’ll get to that later. She never talked about cheating, but did talk to me about him being controlling and a terrible gift giver, and it was pretty obvious that he had to be the center of attention most if not all of the time. At the same time, he was always very nice to me and I never had a reason not to associate with them. Well, maybe that’s not true. There was one point where he did call me and asked if I would go out with him on a date. When I told him that I couldn’t and wouldn’t do that to his girlfriend, and asked, why would you? She does everything for you and you have it pretty good where you are. That whole incident was swiftly swept under the rug and we all continued to be friends. I never told his girlfriend what he asked because I didn’t feel like I wanted to hurt her when there was NO way anything would happen as far as I was concerned. And time went on, same old same. I didn’t spend a ton of time with them, but kept in pretty regular contact.
Then in Feb. 2008, his life changed dramatically. He was the target of an investigation with the federal government, and there was no denying what was going on once they raided the place and tore it apart. He, his girlfriend, and a close childhood friend of his were all busted by virtue of being there and a snowball of charges, plea bargains, turning on each other and court dates followed. I was really on the outside of most of this and only heard occasionally through friends of friends how things were moving. In fact, his closest male cousin, lives just down the street from me and he kept me updated mostly. That’s also a problem now, as you can imagine, it’s a perfect excuse to drive by, a lot.
Then in Oct. of 2008, while at work, I got a call from a woman I didn’t know and had trouble sorting out what she was saying. Eventually I figured it out and it was his mother. She said he was in jail, awaiting sentencing and that his girlfriend had left him during all of this and he was in a really bad place emotionally. She went on to say that he begged her to track me down and get my address so he could reach out to me, if not, he was in danger of being placed back on suicide watch, and would I please let him reach out to me since his world was turned upside down. I got caught up in the plea. I’m a trained social worker, but no longer work in that field. I have always been a person to want to “rescue” everyone. Raw meat to a predator and he could smell it all the way from jail. I gave her my address and shortly after that I got a letter from him. He went into more detail about the state of his being and how it all came crashing down, he’s learned a lot and although he “saved” the gf from going to jail also, oh, and the friend, by being the one to do the time, he didn’t really blame her for leaving because he saw how he didn’t treat her very well and was sorry, but was also ready to move on. At the same time, he lost a close family member that he cared for when he was home, and three weeks after he was locked up, she passed away from neglect. That just added to his sob story and I bought it. I felt terrible, completely forgetting that he was where he was, because he was guilty and there was no denying that. And he was guilty according to the federal government. He was very successful in minimizing the truth of how he got there, just kept the focus on being a victim of being there.
The letters came everyday and then it wasn’t long before his sister, aunt’s, cousins, mother would be calling me direct to ask how he was and what was the latest. That was overwhelming to me, especially so soon, and with him not being around to officially introduce any of us. The background on me prior to this is also important because he of course uses that later to destroy me. After leaving the relationship I was in when the N and I first met, I stayed single and focused on my career. I bought a house, and lived alone with my dog very happily. I also was celibate and not drinking anymore. It was just time for me to get a grip and in order to do that, I shed the habits I blamed for being in a bad relationship then, and just placing my focus on improving myself and making sure that I cement my independence in something that can’t be taken away. I LOVE my job and so throwing myself into it was a blessing and paid off. When the N and started talking, I was in a pretty great coasting place where I had achieved all I wanted to for now in my career and it was time to think of a family. I have never been married and in my mid-thirties, no kids and want that very, very much. These are all things that we discussed back and forth in letters over a period of months. I was clear that it wasn’t easy to get to me because I had a lot of pain in the past already. I’m a survivor of sexual abuse at the hands of a family member, and have been raped twice. Intimacy was not really what I was looking for for a long time and so again, the focus on my work was a great distraction. And then it was time to move on and here was this person I’ve known for a long time, listening to all I have to say because he has nothing but time, and he’s responding with all these really loving, caring words, encouraging me to tell him more and more. He would also bring up my resistance to sharing everything with him because I was, and should have stayed, really guarded. But I was hearing all the right things, so in time, I continued to divulge all my darkest secrets, fears, and all my expectations for what I want in my life, and how I wasn’t going to waste time with someone who isn’t in line with the things I want.
He played the part perfectly because I gave him all the cues. Eventually he started calling, once he was sentenced and placed in a federal facility. The system allowed them to buy calling cards so there were no collect calls. The amount of minutes were limited per month and the amount of time each call could last was also limited to 15 minutes. Most of the time he just asked about me and my day. He said he wanted to know about things on the outside and said very little about how things were for him. Only if there was a fight that he was usually involved in, would I hear about what life was like for him. He also got caught several times with paraphernalia for cooking that he wasn’t supposed to have. Other than that he was very methodical about asking me how things were. As I said, I love my job and anyone who knows me, knows that. I told him that many times and yet he would say things like, it sucks you have to work everyday. No it doesn’t. And I’ve been very blessed to find something I love and makes it not seem like work. His experience in working is unlicensed car repair, home repair, home building, and whatever other scam he could pull. But after the raid, he got a job at a factory. When he was locked up, they told him they would hold his job for him, and I never really believed that, but that did turn out to be true, and another important detail for later.
By the time New Year’s rolled around, we were in a long distance “relationship” and he would write all the time how appreciative he was that I was standing by him, loving him through this. He never asked for money and I never offered. We just continued this “great” start to a relationship, getting to know each other and it was something I was willing to take a risk on. New Year’s Eve he called and that was the first time he told me he loved me and I got a letter a day later that went on about how he always loved me but didn’t leave his gf because he didn’t think he had a chance with someone “like” me. Whatever that means. I am older than him by 9 years, but he had all the right words and convinced me that it was no big deal. He did however talk a lot about how he never wanted a family, spent 12 years with the other gf and never had a child because it wasn’t right, but now with me, all that changed, he’s a changed man from the experience and that he would love to have a family with me. That was all I wanted to hear, and he knew it. I bought it all the way and was walking on air. More time passed by and still, things were great in the letters and calls. I got artwork, poetry, and pictures of the house he built on some property that is out in the woods. It’s a 6 bedroom, 7000 sq. ft. shell with siding and windows, and that’s it. Nothing on the inside is done and there’s no plumbing or electricity yet. He has an RV parked on the property and that’s where he stays while building, hunting, riding quads, basically playing whatever he wants thinking he’s got this huge house. He would write about how that was his dream home, and now he had his dream woman and all that was left was for him to ride out the rest of the sentence which ended in mid June 2009. He was serving my dream on a platter. The other big selling point for him was that it was all paid for, up to the point it was, with cash so there would be no mortgage to pay. The only thing I resisted to him about was the fact that I knew that was the dream he had with the ex gf and I didn’t want to just “step” into a role or position because she was gone. I needed time to spend up there, I was never there before, and that it was beautiful, but to tell him I wanted to move there meant leaving my entire life and that was something I was going to commit to under the circumstances as they were in that moment. He still had six more months of his sentence, not to mention, 3 years of probation and later finding out the property and all that’s on it is now in an aunt’s name so it wasn’t seized by the feds. He didn’t want to lose that, and so now THAT was the reason he was doing the time. The story twists and starts to have holes in it, but I ignore all of this thinking I found the “one” and once we got past this little “bump” it would be all I dreamed of.
The house became a source of contention with us and we would argue about it quite a bit. He just wanted what he wanted and any thing I said that wasn’t in line with that became something I was hurting him with, and in the situation he was in, that was the cruelest thing I could do. So I dropped it and we moved on, building up the illusion of what was to come. Then I went to Florida in March for a few days, and it was great timing because things at work were stressful prior to that, I worked a lot of hours and needed to relax. He was very supportive of that and asked if I wanted him to not call while I was gone so I could fully relax. I said no, and he called me and was very kind, very concerned that I was not contacting work and truly relaxing. The last day of my trip, he told me that when I got home I should call his mom and set up a time to go meet for dinner because she had something for me, from him, and he would call when I was there and say what he wanted while she delivered the gift. I was a little scared it was an engagement ring, and voiced that. He said no and we joked about that, and all was really exciting. I had something to look forward to. I did as he told me to, met with his mom and he called to say that he was so in love with me, so grateful for my kindness and letters that he had to give me something that couldn’t wait until he got home. His gratitude was too great to wait longer than he thought was necessary. It was a ring, not an engagement, but it had diamonds. At the same time, it was nothing I would choose for myself and not at all anything I would wear. But I looked past that because of him being away, and took the gift, wore the ring faithfully and was blown away by the gesture. I should also mention that he only is supported by and is close with female members of his family. Only the cousin that lives by me is male and someone he talks to quite a bit. So after the call and the ring is given to me, his aunt, her daughter, and his sister come out of hiding and are all over me about what it means and how I feel and how we’ll be married by next summer. I was overwhelmed again, so much that I was a deer in headlights and froze, taking it all in and feeling like despite the little quirks, this could be something great.
Right after the ring, everything changed. Now he needed my money, which I did give him once feeling like I should at least pay for the phone calls since he was only calling me, or so I thought. The letters stopped but the calls increased. Each call was another demand for me to do this or that for him, and nothing was off limits. I did not know his family that well and yet I was expected to do his family business in his place. I really began to feel like perhaps this was just a role I was filling because of the loss of the gf, and told him that I didn’t think this is going to work out, that we should just stop it now and remain friends. He freaked out and I was to blame for him being super depressed again. All the females of the family started to call me begging me to keep in touch and to just hang in until he got out, to understand his situation and how horrible it is for him and that once he was home, he would be the prince he was in the beginning. They told me that I was all he talked about and how I saved his life, literally and how they were all grateful for that and would do anything to make sure we stayed together. I softened again and we carried on but I knew right then, there were things I would have to avoid if this was to continue. My friends were starting to ask what I get out of this, even emotionally, when he is being so demanding and manipulating me into catering to all his needs as if I owe him. I didn’t have an answer, but wanted to see it through until he got home.
More and more there were more angry calls and letters. The cards and poems stopped and the demands increased. Then he got early release from the facility and was placed in a half way house in the city we live in. He was 16 hours away, and he could have someone pick him up under strict rules, and expected me to drop everything and go get him. 16 hour drive one way! I told him there was no way I could do that, and again, I was being hurtful and selfish. Turned out that it had to be a family member anyway, so that’s what happened. His sister went to get him and drove all night there, and all day back. He insisted that they stop at my office and surprised me by showing up when they got into town. It was amazing in that moment, all the build up was about to pay off and we could finally get to “real” life, or at least, a little more normal than it had been. He was at least in the same city, on work release and the visitation was a little looser so I could visit him now. The other big change was that he could have a cell phone and our conversations were not restricted. He would take any chance he could to see me including lying to the house about his work schedule and appointments he had so he could spend time with me. He came over one day, as a surprise and we had our first intimate moment together, first for me in over five years. It was fine, nothing too great or what I had built up, and certainly not what he had built himself up to be in that area. It was still a big moment for us, or so I thought, and he said all the right things afterwards. Called that night and we talked all night. The next morning he called me early and that was impressive to me. I thought maybe we did have a chance and things did seem better now that we could be together more normally. But that turned out to be the first bite. He tells me that he was still awake and had been on the phone all night with his female cousin who is 16 and her friend. I didn’t really get that, and something told me it wasn’t right. But I blew it off and we continued to bask in the dreams of what was still to come.
The next day, he gets to go to work and so like he had been doing, my phone rang at about his lunch time, and I answered it. I could hear him talking in the car with at least two other males and then I hear him say, yeah, I’m committed to (me) because she stood by me, but I’ll still fuck who I want because that’s just me. It was as if he didn’t know he called me. I hung up and called back and confronted him saying word for word what I heard him say. He said I didn’t hear that and would call me back. He called back 30 seconds later, admitting to saying it and gave me this big story about how it was him talking in front of guys and that’s all it was, talk to make himself sound cool. I didn’t buy that, I was furious and hung up the phone, I was at work and had to drive to a client meeting within minutes. He continued to call me. I turned the phone off, went to my meeting and had tons of calls and messages. I was listening to them on the way back and they were the deepest pleas you ever heard. When I got back to the office, he was there because I was not answering the phone. He left his job, taking his freedom in his hands, to be somewhere he wasn’t suppose to be because he was so concerned about how hurt I was. He cried and plead. I caved in and told him then, it was the last time he would get to apologize to me, the next time he did something he would have to apologize for, he wouldn’t even have that chance, he would be out of my life, period. He agreed at the time, made amazing deals and promises on what he would do to make up for it. That I’m the last person he wanted to ever hurt because of all I had done for him during the worst time in his life.
Three days later he was fully released and living, according to what he told his PO, in the basement of his aunt who has the 16 year old daughter, working at his former job that his female boss held for him as promised, complying with the terms of his release. The reality was, he moved himself in right away and the first order of business was to get me pregnant. That turned out to be something that was easier said than done, I have a lot of damage from early abuse and I lost one pregnancy in the past. It was another really hurtful time in my life I shared with him so to have this person who wanted to have a baby with me, and I’m not getting younger, right away seemed like a good idea. Now I can say, thankfully it didn’t happen. In the beginning he was very kind about it because I could get disappointed before I wanted to see the full truth. It wasn’t long though that he would tell me that there was too much damage done to me for him to deal with and that we should just forget the baby because obviously I’m too old now to do this. It was very hurtful. He also went through my entire home, changing things as he saw fit, bringing in his furniture and then brought his two large dogs, adding to mine. We were a happy little family, sort of, taking trips to the property and playing, and as long as I did what he wanted we got along. The sex was always a weapon and something he used at will. I let it go because there was a long time where he couldn’t do what he wanted, and so it was the least I could do to be understanding. And I also thought, eventually he’ll do what he needs to and then we’ll get back to normal. That ever elusive carrot on the stick that they are so good at dangling.
He started the illegal activity again almost immediately, in my home, and as soon as I knew, I ended that. It was forever a fight but I was not going to budge on that. He would go back and forth about how I was either saving him or controlling him depending on who knows what. The happy illusion we had built was becoming further and further away, but I was still hoping we could get it back, if only…
Slowly he took over my truck because he needed it to transport his toys, which is also where his money went, that is what didn’t go toward the enormous debt and fines he now has. My money paid for everything else, and now my home and vehicle were being taken away. He was calling less and home less and any questions were attempts on my part to control him and didn’t I understand the risk he was taking by lying about where he lived so I could have the pleasure of his laundry, cooking, cleaning, feeding and caring for more dogs, and not going anywhere because I was so busy keeping things together, working, running a business and household, now full. I was becoming worn down. My birthday came and that’s when it started to get horrible. He went out the night before, now he hates smoke and bars, can’t drink as a condition of prob., and can’t even be in bars. He didn’t come home until 5am, never answered his phone and smelled like perfume, not a bar, so I of course confronted him on it. He denied, told me I was crazy and we did that stupid circular dance, once again, but this time it was different for me. I told him to leave, and he didn’t. He said he was too tired to go anywhere and had something planned for my birthday so he would let me get over my tantrum and sleep on the couch for a few hours and then be a prince for my birthday. I was not convinced and ended up being up all night and morning, being a total crying mess for a birthday lunch planned by friends. He slept through that. He didn’t get up until 7pm that evening, missing my birthday and when he did get up, had nothing for me and no intention of acknowledging my birthday. I was crushed, and again, asked him to leave. He did, but came back a few hours later with an outfit, that I would NEVER wear, and something from Victoria’s Secret. I bought it, and it was set up again, that if only…
The following month was horrible and he was really distant, never home. His birthday came up and he was gone the whole day, coming back with gifts from girl’s at work and I should know that he is really a hot property there and I should watch out because they really want him. I was tired of the constant fighting and fighting over nothing and everything. The next day I left for a vaca, across the country, staying with friends for a few days and didn’t tell him. While I was gone he called constantly and I ignored most of them. When he did talk to me he said he too needed to get away so he was taking my truck to pull his quads up to another family member’s house, hours away, and that when we both got back we’ll see where things are. Then he stopped calling and I knew in my gut, it was over and he had already moved on. When I got home, he had moved out. He showed up later and I asked him what was going on and how long had he been seeing the OW. He denied that that was what it was and kept saying that I was too controlling and that he couldn’t be with someone like me because I’m not submissive enough. Anything that was done for him, didn’t matter at all, he was just done and that it. He got some more things and left not really giving me a reason. Except to say one last thing, that I was the reason for the break up because when he got home be went back to that activity that put him away, and I coerced him into doing it and that was unforgivable of me. My head spun because the revision of THAT piece of history was completely false. I told him he was crazy, I was miserable and if he needed to blame me for this, and that’s what it takes to get him out, I was willing to take that role, just get out. He did and that was the start of my rage.
He left a ton of stuff here still and I knew that was his “in” and on purpose. He would call and I let it go to VM and it would start out to be a message about his stuff and then go into how horrible I was. I never responded. Then we ran into each other the time I’ve posted about where he felt he had to come clean because I deserved that for all I did for him, and the he was with someone else but they never slept together until after we broke up, but she was pregnant but not on purpose. I was stunned because of course I was right, so why lie? And do you really think I believe that you didn’t cheat? I told him I don’t believe anything he says so he can stop talking, but he went on to tell me that I should be understanding that he’s coming clean out of respect. I asked how preg she was, and he had no answer. Either he’s lying about the pregnancy because he knows how much that would hurt me, or he doesn’t want to get caught in the lie he just told about the timing. No matter, I’m disgusted and devastated. He went on to say how he needs me back as a friend because he’s going through really stressful things. She happens to be the boss’s daughter, who held his job, and the daughter also works with him. He’s unhappy with her because she’s young and living in the basement with him at his aunt’s house and has to know all his business. He wants to leave her, but its complicated by the work connections. He wants me to be there for him like I was before. I told him plainly, I have nothing left to give you and I’m completely insulted by the way he lacks appreciation and if he’s in a world of hurt, that’s karma. I don’t have anything I feel sorry for you about and have no desire to have your chaos back in my life. I walked away then, and grabbed me and said, I still don’t forgive you for allowing me to go back to my old ways right after I got released. He’s still hanging onto that and I again, turned and walked away. He followed me and I had my phone out and told him I would be calling the police if he didn’t get away from me. He finally left me alone, but he was slow to respond.
Recently I found out that I got an STD from him, confirming again, what I already know. And that’s just one, I’m starting to see now, there could have been lots more. He’s always acting out sexually in really inappropriate places and times, and that’s something I look back on now and see as red flags. He’s especially inappropriate with the 16 year old girl that is his cousin who lives in the same house. All of these things now come flooding in and paralyze me. I took a risk and thought it was a safe bet, ignoring all the signs along the way. I see how I tried to force an outcome that would never be and how I can’t believe anything he says now, or ever did in the past. I mourn the loss of the illusion and now having a medical condition to deal with, reminds me of the betrayal every day, many times a day. My anger is unreal. I’m very lucky and very, very grateful for my support system including this site. I’ve learned so much and have been able to maintain no contact, even in the darkest or most angry moments. Sometimes I find myself “white knuckling” through those moments, but as long as I don’t contact him, I’m getting better. There was a lot of damage done to my heart and soul in a what seems to be a short amount of time. I’m grateful I have my home and peace back, the way I want it. I put the furniture he didn’t take with him out on the curb and it was taken by someone within an hour. Good riddance, and I take a lot of pleasure in the fact that if he knew that I was so careless with his THINGS, much the way he was with my emotions, he would be hurt. He could care less what he did to me, but to reject a gift from the almighty himself is sacrilegious.
It was a process of brainwashing and grooming that took place, and that took time. I have to remember that as I heal, that that too will take time. I’d like it to be instantaneous because it can be so painful, but I can tell you this for sure, he’ll never get close to me again and in that I can find peace and more strength. That I really do hold all the power to say when it ends, and I say, it’s a wrap.