Signs Your Narcissist is Cheating

Signs Your Narcissist is Cheating
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I was asked recently 'why' do I NEED to know the signs and to 'catch' my N BF in the act and I have contemplated this for a few days...I have caught my N BF before...I KNOW he cheats and lies and know that it is a common trait/behavior of a large number of narcissists, especially a somatic narcissist...

...but 'why' do I need to know with certainty, to have the 'evidence' to hand him so I can walk away????

One of the most important reason for me is to be able to trust MYSELF again. Not only do Narcisissits deny their bad behavior, but go to great lengths trying to convince you that YOU are the crazy, deficient, untrusting person. And sometimes we deny it to ourselves too. They will work VERY hard to convince us we 'are seeing things'...'that they did not cheat...and sometimes, because we need to believe them, as otherwise would hurt too much, we allow them to convince us they aren't cheating...

This robs us of even the ability to trust our own intincts and we learn not to listen to our 'gut feelings' or 6th sense that we are born with...in order not to rock the boat, or be blamed or abused.

I think one of the reasons, for me at least, is that my N BF has blamed me for his behaviors and the things he does for a long time. He also denies things, even when confronted with his lies and has only partially admitted to 'being a real bad boy' when there is some proof of his secret sex life....sometimes even when I ask him an innocent question not even related...such as 'How was your lunch today"?'...he acts like I am accusing him of something, and he will twist things around to somehow be my fault for 'not trusting HIM'...you guys pretty much all know the drill...as Narcs all twist things , lie, deny...do whatever it takes to cover their ways...whether it is in their serial cheating...etc.

So I guess I DO need some advice here about how to catch them cheating or how you found out about your N having another hidden secret life with OW? And what did he do when confronted?

This last Thursday night I stayed downtown at my apartment as I had been in a late meeting...and there was also a snow storm, so it was just more convenient. I called my N BF to let him know before he left his office. The next morning when I went home to our house where we live together there was an empty 'delicate wine glass' on the counter, not the kind he would ever use, and he NEVER has wine alone...only rarely drinks a beer with the 'guys'...he acted 'funny about me seeing it...and actually has been acting secretive again...but he is being more careful at hiding things...

I just want to restore and heal my own ability to trust my own instincts, I have had to squelch them for so long just living with him for the last 2 years (and being with him for 3)...I am tired of being told that the very things I SEE and KNOW in my heart...are not true. I'm tired not only of his ability to lie to me and hide his cheating...but also of my own ability to lie to myself.

What are some of the tale-tale signs your N did that gave him away? Did he deny cheating...even though you knew he was? Did he make promises to you to stop?...What did you do?

betty2020's picture

Yes you are the lucky one

Yes you are the lucky one honey.....im glad you see that. xoxo

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

fairy wings's picture

Cheating

Thank you for making me realise why it was so important for me to have proof, because I had ceased to trust myself. I never knew why I spent so long 'stuck' in that phase.

I have been out of my relationship with my violent ex partner for over five years, however I know he cheated, not because I ever caught him in the act, but because after I left him everything became clearer the more distance I got.

I used to write down all the little things when I was living with him. I never had proof, I just had a whole load of little things, but the more distance you get the more these things seem to make a picture. I hope that makes sense. It's like right now you are collecting pieces of a puzzle.

However something else has also come back to me in reading your post. My guy was so crazy he somethimes used to do the types of things you have described just to see if I would react. For e.g the bed. Maybe he just made it like that himself on purpose to make you think he slept with someone else. The same with the razor! Narcs love games, they love having control. He will know you will be looking for clues of his cheating based on his past behaviour, so even if he sat and watched TV on his own while you stayed at your apartment, he may well have 'planted' the glass and the neatly made bed. At the very least he's got your attention focused away from you and on to him, but more than that if you say anything, i.e. you take the bait, he has exactly what he wanted, a reason to get mad, a reason to tell you are paranoid, jealous, insecure etc, then of course when he really is unfaithful that will be your fault, 'you drove him to it with your insane jealously and your checking up on him!'

My guy was a real headcase. He left a blue flannel in the bathroom once and when I ignored it he said your beige flannel must have got in with my jeans, its gone blue. It wasn't even my flannel (the label was a make I had never bought) and it looked brand new. I remember looking at it and thinking about the hair grips he left in the kitchen on a previous occasion and the time one hooped earring was on the floor, my side of the bed. No woman would be that daft!

I looked at the flannel and I thought, 'you know I really don't give a damn', either you're cheating, or you're really sad and either way I don't want to be here. I deserve better.' That was the start of me realising I had no anger left. I felt completely ok with it. That made it easier to walk away.

Maybe rather than investing energy in prooving what you, deep down, already know, do as someone else here suggested, 'run and think about why you ran later'.

The best way to trust yourself again is to get out, surround yourself with decent people who mirror the decent parts of you that he will have tried to rubbish or eradicate. You will be amazed at how soon his behaviour looks so totally insane. Everything he has accused you of, is who he really is - it is all projection. Hope this helps!

baddream's picture

Cheating

I knew for the longest time he was leading a double life.

I was the OW and he had a girlfriend all along. We had a long distance relationship, and when he moved, he moved away with the gf, and still pretended she did not exist.

I always suspected but every time I confronted him he explained it away. I always knew in my "gut" but came up with very creative ways to make myself believe him (although inside I never really did). So I ended up lying to myself, and hurting myself by denying the truth.

With N, accepting the truth is often harder than accepting the lies because once I had the truth staring at me in the face I needed to do the hard work of accepting what he really was, that the entire relationship had been based on all lies, and he was just a pretend guy.

It sounds like you already know the truth about your boyfriend. The hard work is now ahead of you and that is accepting the reality and doing something about it.

What is the next step going to be? Will you confront him? Will you stay?

I know exactly where you are right now-- sounds like you are still trying to convince yourself it might not be true.

I tried to rationalize for a long time why my ex-N was cheating on me. I tried to understand why he needed another woman, I even felt compassion for him, for a time. Really sick, the games he played with my head.

I hope you can find the strength and move on. It is a very hard thing to do.

Amazed's picture

How the N puts the burn on with Cheating and Double Life

Yeah, they will do this right under your nose, get to know you so well that they fake you out. The signs you all note here are OBVIOUS SIGNS OF CHEATING!!!! It is just the tip of the iceberg!!

The razor,,head on clue!!

You know it in your heart, but since the "evidence" the OW isn't sitting there in her undies looking you in the face, you discount it, and "overlook it"

We are PRONE to do this because of the BRAINWASHING they do to us.

We deny, and forgive/forget BEFORE IT REALLY REGISTERS.

All our the stories here, the wine glass, the bed being made, are all the tell tales signs of cheating.

Need to look at them for who they are and move on!!!

My ex N had like 4 bottles of different shampoos in his bathroom.

He has 2 daughters,,but noticed one day another set of shampoo/conditioner.

I thought,,this is odd, his daughters are NOW using this kind of shampoo,,,,

It didn't occur to me when i eventually spoke with the OW and she actually asked me if I noticed her shampoos in the bathroom.

I told her yes I did!! We laughted about it. Well the N deluded her into thinking that I was bu---sh--t and she FORGOT all the proof and stories we had discussed. And is back with him.

HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT.

Get away from these loosers before they take more of YOUR life away from you.

Like was so astutely mentioned in the above post,,,the will do anything to get you OFF OF THINKING about YOURSELF and thinking only about them.

Terrible recipe for disaster!!!!

Get out!!!! You have enough prooof!!!!!

Barbara's picture

cheating

if you catch him then what?
confront him? you think that will CHANGE HIM?

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~
The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem

Visit My Abuse Website

destiny's picture

I received an email listing

I received an email listing all his OW. He made someone angry and thus they told me. I of course knew of all of them and suspected all...MY Narc wasnt too smart of covering his tracks and used an online forum to find his victims.

The tricky thing with me was we werent technically together when he was having relations with these OW, but what he was doing was playing with my mind. I remember one time I called him late one nite and I heard he was on his other line. He claimed he was calling me at the same time (ahaha) i was onto him..and brought it up two days later and he denied it yet again. (supposedly it was some abused woman that needed him and he had to keep her secret) oddly enough most knew her secret, so I found out later.

What did I do when I found out...well XN and I were in the process of getting back together when the news hit my inbox...so he pleaded for me to take him back and I did. at the time it looked like the one OW was nutzo(of course she wasnt) I found out after our V-day date he was on the phone with her, and not the friend he claimed to be on the line with. (another instance he didnt answer his call waiting)

When we got back together...well I could never trust him again...and he was on high alert..he told me he wouldnt give me the satisfaction of me finding out he had an OW so he wouldnt talk to a woman other than me. I think that was true this go around..but like all Narcs he couldnt stay faithful , so I was dumped...I think for the same woman I was last Dec.

I guess my point in my post is..you just know...deep down you know. I knew last Dec he was up to something and dumped him.. It sure felt good to get the proof of everything, but it doesnt erase the fact that when it actually happened he made me doubt myself and not trust myself. I was right all along.

He fears me now..I know way too much and have the ability to find out info on him no matter how much he hides.

“It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”