Becoming Sane's story

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#1 Dec 14 - 9PM
becoming sane
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Becoming Sane's story

Not really " my story" But my my first post ,I have many stories to tell that are so similiar to the ones already told here but here is what's bothering me today:

First of all My NH was already married twice to " crazy lying women" who took advantage of him: yet he was still involved with the 2nd X for a good year and half after we married and I realised about ten years ago that he most likely was sleeping with her when we were dating, though I shushed that voice that clued me in.

Used sex manipulatively : I was told "I love it when you initiate it " he wanted me to pursue him so he could turn me down or rebuff me ,he is a night owl so we dont go to bed at the same time (another trait),I've lost track of the times I went to bed wearing sexy lingerie only to be woken up and told WE are not having sex for whatever reason , he developed a headache , didn't feel like it , wasn't in the mood now.... oh and this one "wanted to let me sleep" WTF? then why the hell are you waking me up ??? It got so bad about five years ago because after he had woken me up to " not" have sex I would lie there seething, frustrated and upset and unable to go back to sleep. so I finally told him "don't EVER wake me up to tell me we are not having sex again ! I will certainly be aware of it in the morning."

Another thing is wanting sex when he knows I'm on my period and neither of us likes that, but he has me get him off orally anyways (or he tries to talk me into anal) then says "oh it's not the same" and like it's such a hardship for him to not have "real sex" yea right ...I realized a while ago he LOVES getting off this way (he also uses the old its not what I really want ploy as he pushes my head down there)I became more stealth about hiding my cycles from him and it's been months that he has approached me sexually and no I haven't missed him coming around to my side of the bed and flopping his dick on me after he has been up late looking at who knows what on the Internet. I mean like that's supposed to really ring my bell right? Heres my dick aren't you turned on?

So we are not having sex yet I find a recent link on his computer called "controlled orgasm training" hmmmm I'm sure that just popped up by accident right?rolls eyes.

oh and the lying.... everything from secret bank accounts to what time he got home, to how he slept and what he ate. The article on here about NOT giving the Narc the benefit of the doubt and assuming he IS lying instead of telling the truth (always)helped me immensely .This website has helped me so much because for so many years I tryed to make sense of it all ,and now I dont ask the WHY and what can I do to fix this (since everything was always my fault ) now I know it was all about him ,always ,every day,every minute,.

Dec 15 - 10PM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Omg!

My exN just loved it when he knew I was ready to "mess around" and he would literally take over an hour or so in the bathroom. Now I know what he was doing. He was probably taking a crap, smoking several joints and then finally getting in the shower. By that time, I was already asleep. He would wake me up by putting his pecker in my mouth! Oh what an asshole! He thought I should really be turned on by that! I can't believe I put up with that bullshit! And then of course, the whole sex control! We would go months without sex and then he'd say, "That's all you ever think about!"
Dec 15 - 1PM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

That whole 'flopping there

That whole 'flopping there dick' thing in your face... God that resonates with me in a horribly awkward and uncomfortable way... The anal thing, all of it... they just do not see woman as beautiful autonomous creatures, but as a extension of there needs, there sexual needs as they ebb and flow... for which they can punish and abuse when they feel like it too. Where do they learn this. The f'''ing porn industry has lot to answer for. The media industry generally.. Its pretty scary. No wonder so many bad things get done to woman.. It can make a person feel very sad and worried if you let it. These guys are pretty angry, angry about something.. They probably have a very deep anger that they don't know how to vent , perhaps even at there own mothers, who knows???? and then they take it all out on you. It must be very cathartic for them, (and seriously draining for us) who knows??? but there is some reason why they treat us with such ugly dirty filthy disrespect. It makes my skin crawl to read your message... Get help.. find support to get out...get over what ever stage your in right now... WE ALL must do that...
Dec 15 - 1PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

So Sorry

Becoming Sane: So sorry for your disillusionment. But you have a chance for becoming sane. I was going absolutely crazy living with my abusive & N husband. But then I started reading about verbal, emotional (sexual degradation, as you write) & physical abuse (waking a person up routinely in the dead of the night, as you write). We tend to think of abuse as only beatings & bruises. I stopped feeling paranoid that this man was out-to-get me -- he was! He was "gas-lighting" me. When I finally understood that concept, I knew I had a reason to feel scared & I wasn't going crazy. By educating myself that just because a man says he loves me & marries me -- he does not necessarily have my best interest at heart. From there I plotted my escape. Good Luck.
Dec 15 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
becoming sane
becoming sane's picture

Begining to understand.

That's what I'm starting to figure out ( he will never be normal ) and like many Others I am in the typical narc wife position of being an at home mom so I haven't had a " real job " as he puts it in 20 years and yet he wouldn't have it any other way " no wife of his was going to work as long as he could provide " not that I haven't run myself ragged trying to do everything from being the secratary to errand runner and just all round slave . I started opening my eyes and questioning my existance in this marriage about five years ago, at least I'm in a much better " state of mind " now than I was then even though I have been in denial For so long but I realize now I can no longer deny the truth that it will never change but I am in a much better position to help my two younger sons understand things that I was completly incapable of even understanding five years ago because I just didn't know how terribly abusive he was , you would think I would have had a clue when both of our two older sons moved out within months of turning 18 , they love their dad but we all are grieving for what never was....and never will be .
Jan 1 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
toonice
toonice's picture

I can so relate

Becoming Sane, I can so relate to the whole sex thing. My N wanted sex all the time when he was pursuing me... then it was once a week and then once a month... but ! he wanted bj's all the time always open to those no headaches, no illnesses could keep him from that! I opened my eyes when it was just an act for his pleasure when he needed it after several months of him staying at my place 2-3 nights a week and no cuddling nothing and then at like 2am he would wake me and that is when he expected sex. it was like a predictable routine. I am in NC and new here but finding myself spending lots of time reading when I have the urge to call him. I have not written my story yet but hope to do so this weekend. I do know they manipulate situations and will turn everything into them being the victim. I saw this with his custody battle that he lost thank goodness. I too wondered what am I doing here? it has only been a 20 month long relationship but I have not been happy for the past yr. I had a 23 yr marriage before this and never was treated this bad so why let it happen now. This affects our children too. My daughter told me mom you deserve to be treated better than he treats you.(She liked this person and she too has now seen how he is behaving) Since she said this I look at my situation as what type of example am I setting for my kids if I stay (and complain) about the person who doesn't respect me for who I really am. We all deserve to be respected.
Dec 15 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

becoming sane

time for you to call a DV Crisis center, quietly go and get counseling on HOW TO GET OUT and to deal with the PTSD you have from living with this pathological creature. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/19/should-you-stay-or-should-you-leave http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/16/illusion-management-pathological http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/09/05/your-narcissistic-husband-wasting-your-life http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/18/married-n-and-waiting-good-times-return ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Dec 30 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
becoming sane
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