MTVs_Story

First off, I am SO glad I stumbled upon this website...I listened to the podcasts and I went to the local Borders to purchase Lisa's book (I could not find it, so I will order it online for sure). I am a relatively intelligent person, however, I am floored by what Narcissism actually meant (that it IS a real disorder...I thought he was bipolar or on serious drugs!) and, I am not only a victim of domestic violence, I am also a victim of a Narcissist! At least he was able to learn (a little) from his DV classes and knows when not to cross the line, but this is a serious personality disorder and it became CLEAR AS A BELL when I got to this site. THANK YOU!

My story is probably similar to most. I met him 7 years ago, it was love at first sight, however, he had a girlfriend that he lived with. In fact, there were about 6 - 7 people over at his (was hers) apartment that day and as my sister and I were leaving, I told her that I really wanted to see BV (his initials) again...she said, "you know he has a girlfriend, right?" and I said, "no...where is she?" and my sister said, "you were sitting right next to her."

I should have known then that I was going to end up an ugly, mean, unsocial, angry, shell of a human being. Because that's exactly what I have become.

I ended up meeting my high school crush at my 10 reunion a few months later (BV would call once in a while, nothing regular and I couldn't really call him, I had to wait for him to call me) and things between my HS crush and I became pretty serious in 5 months. I told BV that I had a boyfriend now, but I still thought, "what if?" My boyfriend was a WONDERFUL human being, he was a successful landscape architect, single, loved by everyone, he loved his mom, I would have married hom, no doubt. Unfortunetly he came down with bacterial menegitis at 28 and in 24 hours he was gone. There were HUNDREDS of people at his funeral...it was standing room only.

A year later, after thinking I would never recover (and I did, it was amazing, I love thinking about him and I feel he is always trying to guide me), I ran into BV. It was 3 days before xmas and he was single. That was the beginning of the nightmare.

Eventually I moved in with him. The day I moved in, he told me that he is allergic to my cat (which slept with me EVERY night for the past 2 years he and I were together) and that she is not allowed in the bedroom. This FLOORED me. I mean, it was like I was in the twilight zone, for real. He then left and didn't come back ALL night. I mean, I made my poor little sister find a new place after she and I barely lived there a year and moved all of my stuff to move in with BV, I was terrified (mainly into storage, of course). BV required me to move into the other bedroom and promptly we went to my storage and got my bed. It was set up on Day 2.

Then there was Stephanie, his unemployed, college drop-out friend who stayed in the living room a few times a week when she wasn't out clubbing. I'd come home at lunch and they would be on his bed, watching TV and laughing it up...especially when they knew I was coming up the stairs. Do you know how long and hard I worked to finally get RID of her? I was scarred for a good 2 years.

Then, the domestic violence charges against him started piling up. We lived in an exclusive, expensive neighborhood and he has NO regard for other people's peace, children, NO ONE. His signature tantrum is an extremely LOUD, SHRILLING, PANICKED voice that echoed a repeated statement over and over and over for 10 to 20 mins (until the cops got there). It's normally "LEAVE ME ALONE, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, SOMEBODY HELP ME, PLEASE! PLEASE, SOMEBODY! SHE WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!" Just like that, over and over and over...he still does it to this day - at least once a month for the entire 4 years we were married. He has been convicted of DV 3 times, 14 restraining orders have been issued via the courts, and he has been arrested in the 10 - 15 times range. Sometimes, he would call the cops himself to try and he me arrested, but he always ended up going to jail. Oh, and how bad do they make you feel when they are incarcerated? THEY PRETEND TO HAVE REAL FEELINGS! They are scared and so sad and sooooo very sorry and you are the only thing that they need to hold and, oh, let's get married when I get out.

It's painful to type this, it's ridiculous to me today. I used to make 6 figures, I am currently unemployed and he did manage to get me arrested for a DUI (although, he was driving and I said I was because his license was suspended and I didn't want him to go to jail again!) So, I did. Now I have a criminal record. I drink a pint of vodka EVERYDAY. Not to mention that my credit is shot...my only hope is to file bankruptcy at this point.

So, money was the driving motivation for him to keep me around. He and I have moved 4 times, because each time I lose my job, I am unable to provide for him (he is expensive). For almost 12 months straight he has slept on the floor in the other bedroom or living room and goes so far as to set up elaborate locks on his door so I can't get in AT ALL. It is no surprise that when I need this loser the most, he has a friend, "Jenny" move in and when she is here, he acts as if I have been abusing him and she tells me she is here to "HELP" him...meaning, I need to leave my own home, again! All 3 of us are being evicted, in 2 days to be exact, yet, they are still here hanging out not at all stressed about where they will go (she is not going to be able to afford him at all, she makes less than my unemployment income).

So here I am. I have physically moved out 3 separate times (deposit, leases, bought all new furniture, etc) only to return to him and have nothing but the clothes on my back (and my cat, goodness, what would I do without her?). My family refuses to talk to me (it's been about 2 years now), my friends are so sick of hearing these outrageous stories that seem like a bad movie that ends horrifically. No one I work with knows about my double-life, they would be stunned.

I found a room for rent (never lived with random roommates, EVER - and I am 36 yrs old), bought a used queen bed for $75, picked it up with my neighbors truck and delivered it to my new place today by myself and then it hit me, "if I don't emotionally move out, then I'm going to just be back again and that may just be the end of me altogether." I know this because he is starting to realize I am seriously moving and I have had screaming matches with "Jenny" every night because when she is not here, things are NORMAL (if you can call it that, geez) and the "charm" is beginning to slip out (never in front of Jenny though, because what if I do leave? Then he is really going to need her, so his charm is turned on FULL BLAST for her in front of me). It is demeaning, humiliating, disrespectful and an all-time low. Like I said, therapy is required NOW, so I can't tell you how important finding this site (I told my friend about the book and she said, "they have a name for it? there are other people out there like him?"). We are going to check out another local bookstore tomorrow because I will be moved out within 2 days and I HAVE TO NEVER LOOK BACK. I finalized the divorce I had filed 2 years ago that was about to be vacated on Monday. That was a big step - I had to admit failure and swallow my pride I THOUGHT, but it's the exact opposite and that is now completely clear, too!

This information has made a profound impact on me. I have been beaten down so far that I gave up trying to think of the situation, especially as a real, bonafide disorder.

And no, it can't be treated, that I can attest to firsthand. But I can finally see the fog lifting and it's not me and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm doing myself a favor this time...I've been waiting for him to do me ANY favor for 7 years. This is the most insane thing that I have ever encountered and it makes me feel SO empowered having an actual, real, explanation to share with my friends and family one day. It will take a few years, but they will come around once they see him 100% out of my life.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life...I thought I would never get here.

Thank you.

MTV